To tell my DD3 to starve if nothing is good enough?

[sidesplittinglol]

Ok a bit OTT but she is driving me to the edge at the moment. No food is good enough for her. Meal times are so hard as she has limited me to the amount of food she will eat. She then complains she's hungry but won't eat anything that's good for her. She'd live on biscuits and chocolate if she could.

Things she won't eat:

Pasta
Cheese
Tomato sauce
Any type of meat
Potato (apart from chips)
Rice
Egg (only boiled)
All veg
Beans
Toast (hit and miss)

I'm not great at meal ideas as it is but I feel this list limits me so much.

I've tried to make the food fun and look nice but the second she sees something she doesn't like it sets the tone for the rest of the meal and she won't eat it.

Can anyone please suggest anything I can do or make.

I lived for 9 years in France and...got to say French parents don't put up with this . Family dinner is family dinner. Parents and kids don't eat different things and DEFINITELY not at different times. What is served is what is served. They don't have to eat all of it but they definitely have to try a little of everything.

So...just cook what you want to eat. Or, if you and the children must eat at different times, cook what you want them to eat. It's not a restaurant.

We're lucky that DD isn't generally fussy but she does have days where she declares she's either not hungry or everything is yucky. If it is a previously untried food, I will insist she tries a mouthful, if she doesn't like it I would accept she genuinely doesn't and then she'd probably get a slice of toast (although I'd always try and make sure there was something on the plate that I know she likes if it's a new meal). If I know she is just being that way out, she gets told she doesn't have to eat it but there will be nothing else to eat until the next meal time. And then stick to it. If she knows she can get biscuits etc, there is no incentive for her to eat it.

Here's dinner, take it or leave it

That would be my approach too. And I'd put her down from the table while everyone else ate. No fuss, but no pandering.

Just make her meals she likes, don’t be giving chocolate and sweets instead of meals, if she like a certain few healthy meals just give her them. There’s no point forcing kids to eat things she won’t like and having a huge argumentover food. she’s not going to be 30 years old and only eating sandwiches. Soon as she starts school she will eat when her friends do.

Mellongoose she likes apples, strawberry and bananas.

Brazen buddy I couldn't even tell you! She eats cereal but not porridge or weetabix. And she'll have lentils sometimes with rice. I can't even think what she eats cus it seems to be the same thing every day 🙈 she eats fish fingers but not on its own or part of a meal. It's frustrating because she will ask me for a certain food and then when I give it to her she says she doesn't want it or like it before even tasting it.

Headsdownthumbsup I do say that to her all the time and then when it comes to bedtime she's telling me she's hungry and I feel so guilty

Haworthia my DM is exactly the same

Lightningscar that sounds like a good idea. I'll try it thanks

I had one of those and don't think I handled it properly either. I think the main thing is to avoid making it a drama. There are some very good suggestions above.

Anecdotally, my sister was like that at that age and my mother's friend, who was a farmer's wife with six children, took her for a weekend and apparently in the scramble to get any food at all, she miraculously stopped being fussy.

They’d say leave it and I’d immediately put them on the floor with a smile

Why on earth did you make your child sit on the floor? Like a punishment for not wanting food! Why couldn’t they stay at the table and join in the family conversation?

What's actually left that she does eat?? You don't mention fish but I assume not that!

Only sweet stuff?
Bread? With what?
Pizza?
Or is it just chips and boiled eggs?

But yes, I agree with the others. Just keep on serving simple, family meals. Nothing special. Take it or leave it. But include something (bread? ) that she will eat.

I would be limiting the availability of sweets and biscuits too. Not making them conditional on eating her dinner, but just not having them around.

I lived for 9 years in France and...got to say French parents don't put up with this *

So either France has no children with SN, autism or sensory issues or they are just incredibly intolerant of such conditions?

And I'd put her down from the table while everyone else ate

Why?

Have you tried letting her serve herself?

I used to put the various parts of dinner on the table and let my two serve themselves as one of my DDs has huge texture issues.

It did mean occasionally she’d have carrots and mash for dinner, but eventually it helped her because it stopped her getting overwhelmed by stuff on the plate. She eats much better even now if she doesn’t have to have stuff mixing on the plate too much

Because if you're not eating you don't need to be at the table, would be what I told the child. And so they didn't get any attention for their behaviour.

Mine was much the same as a 3 year old (and as a 6 year old to be honest)! Added to which she was (and still is) clinically underweight. This meant an added pressure to make sure she ate something. I used to give a meal that was always half something she'd eat and half something new and resigned myself to binning the new half. We always have dessert to make sure she has had calories. I also do cereal before bed. Her dietician recommended this approach and said due to her weight giving her at least some food she would eat was more important than variety.

She is now 7.5 and whilst still underweight her variety is improving massively. Potato things, pasta, rice, home made pie, yorkshire puddings, roast parsnips, pork chop, peas, sweetcorn, carrots, sweet potato... I mean real proper human food! Fruit is still a BIG issue though and she will only eat banana. No other fruit will pass her lips. She'd rather eat goats cheese than lick a piece of apple! She also doesn't like chicken much - too dry.

Hang on in there, be consistent, control snacking carefully, but be ready to play the loooong game.

So they’re excluded from chatting about their day with their parents, hearing what their siblings did at school, learning good table manners? People sit at the table for more than just eating. Sending them away because they don’t want the food is a punishment. Because you’re angry they won’t eat what you made them.

Serve healthy meals containing some items that she will eat. If she doesn't want to eat the rest that's fine, just take her down from the table and ignore her whilst you eat. Don't give her extra snacks/treats because she is hungry afterwards though.
Don't get drawn into letting her use food as a way of attaining power in your relationship.
I also agree with the idea of having her help to prep and serve food.

At one point mine would eat only spaghetti bolognese, potato waffles, beans, sweetcorn and hotdogs. Even a normal sausage was off limits. She still loves spag bol but now eats normal family meals.

I think she knows on some level that this gets your attention and worries you.

I recall a little girl did similar to a friend of mine, but when she went to tea at others homes, she was fine and ate whatever. it was literally only with her DM that she did it.

This could be a power play, so adopt the grey rock, don't ask what she wants to eat and come up with a gazillion options, if you need to give her a choice it's food A or food B, but ideally you make it a family meal, she eats it or she doesn't. No snacks, biscuits etc.

She knows you will cave. so don't. let her go to bed hungry if that is what it takes, there is no need to feel guilty, YOU have done your bit, she can choose to eat perfectly good food, or not. no need to punish, but you are pandering and she has cottoned on to it.

I would try and write a list of everything so does eta. then serve 80% of what she does like with 20% she might not

ie if she likes fishfingers, give 2 fishfingers, with a small spoon of some type of carb or veg
if she likes apples, give for desert, with small piece of different fruit

i would also try self serving as suggested above. Everything on table, the rest of the family help themselves and eat without commenting on her not eating. you can help her serve herself see if she wants more of one item

Don't take them away from the table, just don't engage in discussion about what will or won't be eaten. Sharing a meal together is far more than just about eating. We sit at the table together even if one of us isn't eating (often DD due to repeat bouts of tonsilitis). If she was well enough to be out of bed she joined the meal even if she didn't eat. she'd have been sad to be left out.

I offer varied meals with something that I know my 3 yr old likes. He did go through a fussy phase which was hard, but he's out the other side now. He's not keen on potato in any form, but will recently eat 2 or 3 chips. He has totally gone off bolognaise but I still offer it every few weeks. Don't give any of the chocolate or biscuits at all. I went through a phase of putting a couple of rice cakes on the side of each meal as once he started eating those he'd move on to the rest, whereas he'd not touch any of it without the rice cakes.

I think you need to,stop asking her what she wants. Set up a menu. Get her to help prepare in some way - stirring, chopping veg etc. Then serve at table and let her help herself to what’s on offer. No other choices. No treats or chocolates. No fuss, persuasion or anger. Everyone sitting eating what they’ve served themselves from shared dishes. It’s more of a faff than dishing up on plates but gives her a degree of control.
If she doesn’t eat it, clear away. Nothing until next meal. She’ll quickly learn to like more things.
Finger type foods are good for children struggling with cutlery.

I’d do something like
Monday Pasta in tomato sauce served with a Milanese (crispy chicken) sliced into fingers and a simple side salad.
Tuesday. Sauté potatoes. Fish fingers (or fish) peas, carrots, corn in separate bowls.
Wednesday. Make your own pizza. You make the base and the girls top with what they want - veg, meats, prawns, eggs, olives etc.
Thursday sweet and sour chicken with plain rice and stir fried vegetables.
Friday sausages - chipolatas are easier, separate ‘toad’ ie Yorkshire puddings, baked beans. Mash potatoes.

I take mine from the table because my other dc will start saying they don’t want to eat etc.
He can still take part in conversations as he’s still in the same room?!!!

My friend's middle DD was a very restricted eater and others above have said, once she got professional advice it was very much not to make it a battle of wills. Make different foods available, but don't make a big fuss and have something basic available as a back up so they don't go hungry (not treats like biscuits, but maybe just toast with butter or carrot sticks or anything else plain that you know she will reliably eat).

Good luck, I know it's tricky (and often sensory based originally I think, but if it starts to become a battle all sorts of control issues start to play in!!)

I take mine from the table because my other dc will start saying they don’t want to eat etc.

Surely they can still refuse to eat if they see him being allowed to refuse and leave the table. Not sure how moving him from the table to slightly away from it really makes a difference to the other children eating or not eating.

I totally agree with IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan

I was fussy and my sister was worse. My ds2 is fussy. You won't win if you make it into a battle. My sister and I eat most things now and ds2 (now a teenager) eats a varied diet these days although we still have a few issues, mainly about vegetables. Most of them do grow out of it so making it into a huge battle really isn't worth it.

It is worth trying to get them to widen their repertoire of food though, just make it relaxed. I used to get ds2 to try new things by giving him something he liked as well as a small portion of a new food to try (yes, this meant cooking 2 things but I'd cook something really quick and easy for him). So no pressure - he had something he liked to eat so knew he wasn't going to go hungry. So he'd be relaxed and willing to try something new. Sometimes he liked it sometimes he didn't. If I pressurised him by only offering something new he would get stressed and refuse to try it.

No snacks between meals though (ony fruit).

So, IME a super fussy child won't repond well to "there's your dinner - take it or leave it" if there is nothhing on the plate they will happily and reliably eat. It puts pressure on them which is counterproductive.

People whose children aren't fussy don't understand. Some children would rather starve (my ds was one of these).