To tell my DD3 to starve if nothing is good enough?

[sidesplittinglol]

Ok a bit OTT but she is driving me to the edge at the moment. No food is good enough for her. Meal times are so hard as she has limited me to the amount of food she will eat. She then complains she's hungry but won't eat anything that's good for her. She'd live on biscuits and chocolate if she could.

Things she won't eat:

Pasta
Cheese
Tomato sauce
Any type of meat
Potato (apart from chips)
Rice
Egg (only boiled)
All veg
Beans
Toast (hit and miss)

I'm not great at meal ideas as it is but I feel this list limits me so much.

I've tried to make the food fun and look nice but the second she sees something she doesn't like it sets the tone for the rest of the meal and she won't eat it.

Can anyone please suggest anything I can do or make.

DD3 (now 14) went through this phase around age 5 or so The advice I got was for us all to sit at the dinner table. Serve up as you normally would (ensuring she had a smaller plate) then start eating. No attention paid what so ever to what was happening on her plate etc. After a moment point at one part of her plate and say " dont forget to eat your peas(or what ever)" dd3 then straight back to focus off her and what she eats. No praise for eating no praise for not eating.

If she tantrums no attention (this one was hard to get dh on board with I will say) and if she whinges etc no attention. Attention of she engages in the conversation welcome her into the conversation and ensure she knows she is welcome and a part of the family meal.

At the end no comment on what she has or hasn't eaten. Clean the plates and then thats it dinner has been done. We were told to NOT offer dessert as a normal part of the meal. As it then no matter how you viewed it became what they " desired" to eat and they would wait for this. This wasn't hard for me as I was brought up where this was not a norm. DH still "needs" his pudding after so I keep yoghurt for him. We would usually offer fruit/yoghurt/sometimes dessert about 1 hour later however it would be 1 piece and not enough to fill up on.

It took her 2 weeks to get to a point she started trying the items. the first week was hellish as she was SO angry I dared to refuse her what she wanted. Now at age 14 she eats the widest variety of my 4 children and will try anything new. However it was not a nice period. DId work and actually set up a nice time of family get together eating that we still enjoy now.

ifiwereabird no.

so why say it was because of that then?

Blimey Bird, you really are demanding attention, aren't you? All your way, or not at all.

I would just make one family meal you all eat (with various bits - think a stew with potatoes/mash and peas or carrots) and that's what there is. She can eat the things she likes or none at all. But don't make it a bit deal and don't offer anything else until the next meal or a cup of milk before bed if she has it. If you're making one family meal, there shouldn't be any waste as someone else can eat it or you can just save it for lunch the next day or freeze for the future. I'd always offer seconds as well of the bits mine did like (within reason, it's all healthy food anyway), so even if she didn't like the potatoes, she'd eat the meat and the veg.

It is upsetting OP but in most cases the more upset you get, the more determined they get.

Try not to worry. She won't starve and she'll be fine and grow out of this eventually

Have some in the meantime because I know how stressful it is

I agree with IfIWasABird.....

I'd recommend reading either The Gentle Eating Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith or My Child Won't Eat by Carlos Gonzalez - they are both amazing books with lots of evidence based advice about how to bring up healthy eaters in the long run. They both say that the more you try and control your child's eating, the worse it gets (whether they are over or under eating, or not eating many different foods).

I have a mantra: 'it's my job to decide what and when we are having, and it's dd's job to decide whether and how much of it she wants to eat'.

With my DSD's they kept refusing to eat their dinner so we set up a sticker chart and for every full plate they eat they get a sticker (we actually switched over to a tally chart after a while and they like putting on their "tick"). When they get to 20 stickers / ticks they get a silly little token present like a £6 LOL or something. Tried it as an idea as DSD1 the cheeky monkey told me that she sometimes tells Daddy she doesn't like her food for fun, and thought I would enjoy the 'joke' -_-

I'm sure this probably isn't the 'done' thing but they now regularly eat all their food and will now ask for all sorts like olives, stilton, kimchi etc and we needed a relatively quick fix that wouldn't result in them not wanting to come to Daddy's. Helped almost immediately.

There is something they like on their plate and if they really don't like it they know they are allowed to leave it so this weeds out what they have a true genuine aversion to but they do have to try it first.

Also try and make sure the portion sizes are right as they were far better at eating when they had a proper sized small portion for them.

Blimey Bird, you really are demanding attention, aren't you? All your way, or not at all.

We have a huge problem with food and eating habits in the U.K. people massively underestimate the emotional connection we have with food and how early in life our associations with food are created. This stuff actually matters and I really despair when I hear of people punishing children for not eating. (And yes exclusion from the family is a punishment) so yeah, it gets a reaction from me and I try to challenge these outdated methods.

A bit of ketchup works wonders. Also a game such as 'Don't let the mouse eat your food'. Spoonfuls of peas can miraculously disappear while you are watching out for the mouse coming from the opposite direction.
Otherwise, just not offering alternatives and not stressing if she doesn't eat. She will not starve if she misses a meal.

Blimey Bird... All your way, or not at all.

Oh, the delicious irony of that comment

Don't focus on her not eating. Simply enjoy your own food. If everyone else is enjoying something she's going to be curious, give her time to register that everyone else is liking the food and busy tucking in. Also don't give unhealthy options. Keep the treats as treats not backup food. Also don't worry too much and try take the emotional aspect out of it. She will eat if she's hungry, simply make sure the good stuff is available. Good luck!

Mine is picky as hell (19 months) and I found this to be very reassuring source of advice:

www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/how-to-feed/child-feeding-ages-and-stages/

What if the child would gladly relinquish the peas to the mouse, though 🤔

OK, so she says shes hungry at bedtime. Don't give in and feed her. That's tough. At dinner time you need to tell her that she won't be getting any food later on if she gets hungry. Children need to try things several times before they know whether they like it or not. Giving her chips and unhealthy stuff is making a rod for your own back. I know you want her to eat, but honestly she will eat when she's hungry enough. And, if she must eat at bedtime, although I think this is a bad idea, then save her dinner from dinnertime and give her that to eat.

bird I take it that you are a child psychologist or dietician? Or another mum with an opinion?

If you read my first post on this thread you’ll see I’m not just a Mum with an opinion. Not that you actually care about the experience of a child who has been through this.

maybe try and do simple and quick to prepare meals also the next few weeks, so you relieve yourself from the pressure of thinking of how long you spent preparing them and then them not eating.

I agree with IfIWasABird

So do I. Their post at 15.34 was one of the most sensible things I've ever read on MN about coping with food issues in small kids.

We're a 2 option house-take it or leave it. If they leave it & are hungry later they get offered fruit or veg-this rarely pretty much never happens though as they know I'm being serious & eat the meal. Tbf it's not that they don't like what's served, they're just chancing thier arm...

Serve up as you normally would (ensuring she had a smaller plate)

Oh this is also helpful. DS usually gets about 1/4 of what DD gets (she's younger) unless it's something that I know is his favourite. He can have more if he likes it.

We are still working on tantrums/taking things off other people's plates/putting things that he doesn't like on other people's plates.

We do offer plain fruit or plain yoghurt (as in, natural yoghurt) or both after a reasonable portion. We will then have something a bit more yummy grownup later. But maybe we should rethink that - one day at the weekend, we usually have a "proper" pudding but we also tend to have slightly more planned meals e.g. we'd have a roast dinner which both DCs will eat a reasonable proportion of, so fewer arguments, but I am not doing that every day of the week.

I once saw a programme about about ‘fussy eaters’ who were ready to make a change. The whole series was interesting, but the one story that stuck with me was a girl (of about 10) who would only eat *rice crispies with melted Cadbury’s chocolate. She had siblings that ate normally and both parents had tried everything. Eventually they’d given up and just gave her rice crispies and melted chocolate...for years (I can’t remember how they dealt with school or days out, but I think she just didn’t eat). Anyway, when she was on the program they tested her for all kinds of things and she was as healthy as anything, not deficient in anything at all. I think we worry too much. The little girl had decided she wanted to ‘fit in’ more with her friends so was pushing herself to eat ‘normally’. She was getting there slowly, despite it being incredibly difficult for her.

In your situation it seems more about her wanting what she wants, or not knowing what she ‘fancies’ and then changing her mind when she sees it. I would tell her you’re not making several different dinners for her, she’s getting one dinner and it’s her choice whether she eats it or not. Then I’d just make dinner with a couple of different elements you know she has eaten before and maybe with something you're not sure about. Then she eats or doesn’t, but NO snacks before bed!

Pay attention to see if you can spot a link to texture, temperature, the mix of food etc. Or if she’s just fussing.

But the important thing to remember is NOT to make an issue out of it, no encouraging, no praise, no telling off...no mention of the meal at talk about anything else, but not that.

It’s hard when you’re in middle of it all, but she will most likely grow out of it.

My 3 year old is a fussy eater too so I do sympathise. She used to eat absolutely anything and everything so it’s even more frustrating for us. Only advice I have is to keep offering her different foods. She seems more open to trying things when she’s starving hungry so try to keep snacks to a minimum.

I’m sure (I’m hoping) a lot of it is a phase. She went through about four months of refusing to eat bananas and then out of the blue last week asked for one. So keep offering and try not to make too much of a fuss about it!

But that’s your experience. How do you know I don’t care? I’m just saying how it works in our house, and that it works for us. Just because that’s YOUR experience, it doesn’t make it everyone’s.
FYI I was made to sit at the dinner table and eat veg until I was sick. That’s why I let my son down and don’t force him to sit st the table.

It really depends WHY she isn't eating.
Attention seeking? (Like telling Daddy for a joke)
Sensory issues?
Development issues?
Just a phase?
Anxiety?
Feeling unloved?
Power play?

How you deal with it should vary based on why this is happening. My DD (now 15) is on the spectrum and has pretty significant sensory issues. If I'd tried a tough love approach it would have been disaster - she literally would have starved rather than eat.

You need to be as unemotional as possible, don't let it be an issue. Try to engage her and see what happens. If there are other concerns that may be affecting her, then try working on those.

I’ve an 8 year old whose list is similar to the OPs. He vomits if forced to eat something and has major meltdowns when hungry.

The thing we found hugely helpful was growing our own food. He will try anything we have grown ourselves and in this way discovered that he likes strawberries, blueberries, sweet corn, roast potato and raw carrot, among other things. It really, really made a huge difference (obviously not that helpful at this time of year but I urge you to consider it in time for spring).

We insist he has food on his plate from the “list” but he doesn’t have to eat it. Ketchup helps. Otherwise ignore any refusal, hide your frustration, make sure there is something on the plate that will be eaten and praise each and every baby step.

It gets better! Good luck.