To tell my DD3 to starve if nothing is good enough?

[sidesplittinglol]

Ok a bit OTT but she is driving me to the edge at the moment. No food is good enough for her. Meal times are so hard as she has limited me to the amount of food she will eat. She then complains she's hungry but won't eat anything that's good for her. She'd live on biscuits and chocolate if she could.

Things she won't eat:

Pasta
Cheese
Tomato sauce
Any type of meat
Potato (apart from chips)
Rice
Egg (only boiled)
All veg
Beans
Toast (hit and miss)

I'm not great at meal ideas as it is but I feel this list limits me so much.

I've tried to make the food fun and look nice but the second she sees something she doesn't like it sets the tone for the rest of the meal and she won't eat it.

Can anyone please suggest anything I can do or make.

Not sure if it'll work for you, but when my DD was little and had days when she wouldn't eat food she would eat, I'd tell her if she was hungry later, all that I'd offer was bread and butter or fruit, maybe sounds mean but at least it's healthier than biscuits etc.

Well it works for us.....

That was to ifiwasabird

Is it working for your DS and his relationship with food? Sounds like the perfect way to create a negative, punishment based association.

Yes it is thanks. He now eats a wide variety of food. We live in Europe, he was born and weaned in Asia and eats well now. He can get down from the table if he doesn’t want to eat his dinner as I feel it just adds pressure to him just sitting there in front of a plate.

I sympathise OP it's really tough at that age.

My DC1 used to eat everything til they turned 2 and became super fussy.
Now they are 4 it is much better!
But still have issues every now and then.

Is she getting snacks elsewhere?
My husband and I disagree about snacks- he gives in so easily and gives out crisps, chocolate etc before dinner so it's no surprise when DC1 barely eats the main meal

I'm much more strict, but that's because I do nursery drop off/pick up, evening meal & bath most of the week. Husband breeezes in and DC1 know they will get what they want from him.

I am most definitely "bad cop" but I refuse to give in, DC1 can choose not to eat what I've made but they can only have fruit/yogurt as alternative

I have a fussy 5 year old (always been fussy, but it's been getting a bit worse over the last couple of years) - similar to yours, there's a big list of things that are 'yuck'

I make sure that there's something he'll eat at each meal, that he's had a healthy snack at some point in the day, and I occasionally (when I know it's something he does really like) make him eat 3 spoons full or something (eg. sweetcorn) before he's allowed the pudding.

Otherwise, I leave him to it. He does eat more when he's hungry, and he is more able to be fussy when he's had too many snacks.

I do have to behave differently with him than to his older brother - who gives anything a go, so if he says he doesn't like it, he really doesn't, and who had a slow start learning to eat, so I never pushed the food, he was always allowed pudding when we had it because he had to work so hard at eating that sometimes the treat at the end was the majority of the calories he got.

TBH, if all he's going to eat is spaghetti with tomato ragu at every dinner, then so be it - he'll get bored eventually I'm sure (and plenty of Italian kids I know do basically that)

I’m sorry to sound blunt but she is this fussy because you are allowing her to be, and presumable offering different choices. If you really want to crack this, you need to serve her something you know she does like, and that is it. No plan B, no snacks, no pudding until it’s eaten.

My 2 year old tried to say he wasn’t eating his dinner because he didn’t like it when I know he does. He had 3 chances to eat it and then it went in the bin and he had no dinner that night. He didn’t starve, but he did it all of his dinner the next night. It’s tough and I wanted to offer him something just so I knew he had eaten but I wasn’t going to let him control the situation. Be firm but fair and she will learn to eat the meals that are served to her.

Offer an alternative acceptable to you both- so no to biscuits and chocolate, but yes to fruit/ yoghurt/ cereal/ toast etc.

Don't take the hard arsed "you'll eat what I want you to eat or you won't eat at all" stance.

DS2 self limited his diet dramatically enough that we worked with a psychologist about it: she was very very clear that parental inflexibility in this arena was a bad idea. DS2 still is a bit 'fussy' about food but is steadily increasing the list of foods he will eat, and it's not become a battleground.

One of my DDs was very like this as a young child. At one point she seemed to like spaghetti Bolognese and precious little else.

My approach was "eat what I provide or go hungry" whilst ignoring her mealtime strops. It was the only way to stay sane.

She didn't starve herself. It was purely power play from a very stubborn little mule. She is a strapping tall 19 year old now.

There's some very good suggestions here thank you.

I just get so upset with the effort and time wasted not to mention the food waste. But I guess if it's going to help her then I should just play the long game.

You have to be patient, and I know it's hard. Dgs is picky (to say the least!) He'll eat cheese, pasta, wraps, carrots and fruit. Occasionally a bit of bread, maybe a little sausage, and obviously the usual rubbish (cake, ice cream etc.) No meat, burgers, roast dinner, fish, chips... Why can't they just eat a proper dinner? I think goatwithacoat has the right idea...

I would say Always offer an alternative. My dd went through a habit of refusing everything and would sometimes go to bed on just a yogurt. On a few occasions her blood sugar dropped so low by the following morning she ended up in hospital and I was told to call 999 each time it happened.

I feel for you as I have a fussy child. He wasn't interested in food from the start - weaning was a nightmare and we both used to end up in tears. So I stopped fighting him. At 3 years 7 months he is better now but there are still loads of things he doesn't like. He wont eat anything with a skin including grapes, green beans, sweetcorn. At nursery he is no better - one day all he ate was boiled rice. He would rather go hungry than eat something he doesn't like.In fact on our first holiday abroad he lost 3lbs in a week and he was under 2.

I don't fight with him now - I usually give him something that I know he will like and occasionally try a new thing on the side. He eats enough to grow and put on weight and he's quite healthy. Food just doesn't motivate him at all.

I was a fussy 3yo. A doctor advised my mother to serve me a sensible dinner and if I didn't eat it to let me starve. My mother wasn't brave enough to try that.
I am now a fussy 40yo. I wish I wasn't, but I'm not going to change now.
I often wonder if the habit could have been broken when I was 3, or perhaps I might just have starved. We'll never know.

Don't ask her what she wants to eat, she needs to eat the same meal as the rest of the family. I never cooked anything different for any one of my children, dinner was put on the table and everyone had the same meal. Treats are exactly that, treats. I never kept fizzy drinks in the house, they were reserved for birthdays and special days out. Orange juice in the morning, then water for the rest of the day. No crisps or biscuits either, if they wanted a snack it was toast or cereal option. No stopping at shops for sweets on the way home from school, Saturday night sweets were a treat whilst we watched t.v together.

I have had a similar issue for the past 10 years so I have tried many things! My dd would happily starve than eat something she doesn’t like. No amount of smiley faces or mermaid dinners would help. So my hit list:

1. mutlivitamin every day without fail. You have to be sure she is nutrionally balanced
2. smoothies and dried fruits every day blended with carrots of other vegetables. Put ice in for slushy effect
3. tiny plates with just a few items. Don’t stack up food and then top up
4. I go by the two things she likes, and one untried
5. use blended tomato for sauce and let her dip things
6. cook in butter or garlic if she likes them. It covers the taste well!
7. don’t stress yourself or her. Don’t nag or coerce. When she is finished take the plate away and save for later
8. if hungry later reproduce dinner
9. I do allow yoghurts and milk but nothing more before bed
10. don’t give up my dd is not great, but better than she was. Although she is stick thin and never going to be a gourmand!

Oh and something that really helped me was, you choose what to give them, they choose whether to eat it. And they always sit at the table (Not hungry don't want it don't like it etc) I'd say, ok but it's dinner time and that means we all sit at the table. Do they sit and either they eat or they don't
No playing with it. If you don't want it just leave it. And repeat.

He can get down from the table if he doesn’t want to eat his dinner as I feel it just adds pressure to him just sitting there in front of a plate.

So nothing to do with the other children saying the don’t want to eat then?

I just get so upset with the effort and time wasted not to mention the food waste.

Yes and that’s why so many parents take it personally and start punishing.

SEN, underweight, sensory issues - serve them what they will eat.
Just picky - ignore ignore ignore. Keep showing them new foods, praise them for trying them, repeat how sad you are that this is the only option for dinner. But try to offer something they usually eat even if it's only the bread or the rice.
My DCs think fruit, yoghurt and plain bread are treats (OK maybe not plain bread but they'd rather eat it than some main meals) so we'd never offer those as an alternative.
My DS often shouts THIS IS DISGUSTING turns up his nose at things he usually eats. It's very wearing but he isn't underweight, just impulsive, and he doesn't get an alternative - he'd live on fruit if you let him.

ifiwereabird no.

My little brother lived on nothing but tomato soup and white bread rolls for an entire summer, even after sweets, crisps eye were banned.

He was 4 but was very strong willed and i would say my parents were quite strict.

To be honest he grew out of it but even now as a 27 year old he doesn't like food 'mixed'. So gravy is always seperate on our family roast. He has his own portion of cauliflower without cheese.

I would try letting her help you cook food, I had a fussy 2 year old when it came to vegetables but if I let her help me prepare them she would always give them a go and now tolerates carrots and tomatoes.

DS is 3yo and we mostly self serve. There's always at least half of what we have that he'll eat. No comments, he eats or doesn't (same for DD). There's an option of toast and butter later (if he declares he's hungry) but we make it super boring. The one rule is that he sits at the table with us, whether he's planning to eat or not.

TBH he's pretty good at eating, just stubborn if he wants to do his own thing. So we had to cut the attention he got, no raised voices, no pleading etc, just a simple ok and back to talking. He'll often then sit and eat when no one is looking. Obviously ours isn't any sort of sensory or SEN issue, just stubbornness.