Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find dp attitude towards this a bit insulting?

78 replies

eeeehmagawd · 05/09/2018 10:37

I'm a paramedic currently on maternity leave after having our dc 7 months ago. I also have a child from a previous relationship who is now 10.

My dp returned to work a week after she was born so I've don't the majority of the work myself and had to sort of force him to get involved. I understood his apprehension as she is his first child and he didn't want to hurt her or do it wrong and since I made bath and bed time his thing (at around 3 months old) he has really got involved.

I've been doing some baby led weaning with our 7 month old which she loves. Dp though hates it, says it makes him nervous (which I understand) and can we not just give her purées so she doesn't choke. My argument is that she's learning to chew (well gum) I don't give her anything too hard and that she actually quite enjoys it. It's also literally my job to know what to do if, god forbid, anything goes wrong.

He had a go at me last night when I asked why he was cutting up the food I was going to give her the next day into tiny pieces.

When he's home at the weekend he doesn't want to get involved feeding her so he doesn't see how capable she is as coping with solids.

Am I unreasonable to find it quite insulting that he 1) thinks that I would actually endanger our daughter feeding her stuff she can't cope with and 2) thinks I'm incapable of dealing with something that is actually my job to know how to deal with!

OP posts:
Aprilshowersnowastorm · 05/09/2018 10:40

I have many dc and still panic if they shove too much in their mouth!!
He is anxious about his dd, better than not giving a fig.

He knows you are more than capable, maybe he wanted to know he didn't have to be worrying today so cut it up?

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 10:41

YANBU

He is clearly nervous but aren’t we all when we have our first baby? I was absolutely clueless!

He needs to sit and watch while she eats what you give her so he can see she is capable.

One thing that might give him a bit of reassurance is one of those mesh things with the handle that you put the food in. She still gets the taste and munching but no chance of large bits going in her mouth.

Sirzy · 05/09/2018 10:43

It sounds like your trying to minimise his worries. If you want it to be a partnership surely you need to listen to him and find a compromise?

ApolloandDaphne · 05/09/2018 10:43

I don't think he is being insulting, i think he is being a worried first time dad. I think it would worry me a bit too being an old timer who weaned their DC on purees. He will come round to it eventually as she gets bigger and he can see she is managing to eat the foods she is being offered.

Firsttimemum892 · 05/09/2018 10:43

I think this is a tough one I certainly see your point and can imagine why you feel the way you do. I don’t think his worry comes from your capability i am sure he knows you are sensible and well trained to deal with the situation but it seems his worry about her choking is taking over his mind !. Try and not be insulted and be more reassuring. My baby also 7 months and I am doing blw I am absolutely petrified of choking so I am very careful and recently done a first aid course , partner has never fed her alone and I don’t know how I would feel about him doing it not because I think he’s stupid it’s jusy based on my worries I want to be in control of it

ApolloandDaphne · 05/09/2018 10:46

Also don't underestimate how you would cope if your DD was in distress. It is very different if it is your own child. I have a doctor friend who is calm and able in an emergency - except when her DS had an accident she fell to pieces and could not cope at all.

PinkHeart5914 · 05/09/2018 10:46

I don’t think it’s insulting at all. He worries about baby led weaning as do a LOT of parents. His just anxious about his child!

You have to remember you may of done this before but he hasn’t so his learning from the very start....

Sisgal · 05/09/2018 10:47

Babies pick up on stress/nervousness. There for her is literally creating his own problems when feeding her. He needs to chill out a bit. She is at a reasonable age to chew/gum. She has to learn it sometime

Sisgal · 05/09/2018 10:48

*there for he

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 10:49

Mesh feeder

To find dp attitude towards this a bit insulting?
KnotsInMay · 05/09/2018 10:49

I understand your frustration but in the end, if you want him to be fully involved, he also has to be fully involved in decision making about spoon feeding or BLW.

Lots of people lack confidence over it because it isn’t what they grew up with or have observed, and in some ways it feels counter-intuitive.

He isn’t insulting you, it isn’t all about you.

Discuss BLW properly, pros and cons, let him have his say, and in the end, don’t be too precious.

Juells · 05/09/2018 11:02

I think you're being a bit unfair. I would have been afraid to give a 7-month-old unmashed food, unless it was something like a rusk to suck on. :(

LemonBreeland · 05/09/2018 11:07

I think you need to explain to him the difference between gagging and choking. Gagging with blw is perfectly normal. It is how they move the food to the correct part of their mouth.

Merryoldgoat · 05/09/2018 11:08

I detest baby led weaning too and made me way too anxious so I can see where he’s coming from.

Sorry.

Juells · 05/09/2018 11:09

Gagging with blw is perfectly normal.

Jesus H Christ, I'd have lost my life and gone into full panic mode if a baby gagged.

deepsea · 05/09/2018 11:10

I would be worried about choking and gagging too. I think your dp is right to be careful (and worried) why wouldn't he be?

Even if you are trained, as you are, to know what to do with a choking baby why would your risk it??

Your dp has valid feelings and fears about his baby, and he should be listened to, you sound very dismissive of his opinions.

Jent13c · 05/09/2018 11:11

I did blw from 6 months (possibly a little earlier as my son sat up at 4 and started grabbing stuff off my plate at 5). I too am trained in infant resus and it took away any fears. I was very careful with what he got (no cherry tomatoes/grapes) but he did take a mix of purees and chunky food. He was eating 3x meals of what we were eating cut up a little by 7 months so if I had any other babies I would definitely do the same as it worked for us. My DH did 0 weaning as he has a total phobia of other people’s food and can’t stand watching him eat. He was willing but couldn’t hide his face very well that he was disgusted and I wanted mealtimes to be very positive and all about trying new foods together.

My family were very anxious about choking, they would constantly watch him and say that he was choking but I knew that if he was making a noise he was ok! Don’t let it ruin your confidence as your baby’s mum, you know them best.

Your husband has real fears around it, maybe he could get involved with the occasional soup or purée or porridge? Or alternatively it would be great for him to sign up to an infant first aid class (they are all over and often provided free) or I guess you could do one for him? There are also great videos he could watch on YouTube showing the difference between a normal gag reflex sound and a baby choking.

PorkFlute · 05/09/2018 11:14

I don’t think he’s insulting you he’s just a bit irrationally nervous about something which we all can be from time to time.
Do you spoon feed anything? Yoghurt, porridge or soup for eg? If you do then I’d let him feed those bits so he can be involved.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 11:16

Jesus H Christ, I'd have lost my life and gone into full panic mode if a baby gagged.

Grin maybe don’t be around children on your own if your prone to such dramatics.

Dairymilkmuncher · 05/09/2018 11:19

Let him spoon feed his own baby if he wants to what a shame for him. You want him to be more involved, he can't win can he

ladycarlotta · 05/09/2018 11:22

He needs to get educated and take a bit of control over his knowledge and fears. I agree he needs to sit with you and see how she currently eats and learn what is/isn't a cause for concern. If he had more info about BLW he might be a lot less nervous. Personally I'd be concerned that by cutting up the food into smaller pieces, he's making them into MORE of a choking hazard? She can't inhale a whole cucumber baton but she could if it were a little chunk.

Sisgal · 05/09/2018 11:23

A lot of responses on here are weird against the OP Hmm

YourHandInMyHand · 05/09/2018 11:23

I can see both sides really, he just sounds like a worried first time parent whereas you have an older child and will be very confident first aid wise.

There's a good visual infographic type thing that shows the difference between gagging and choking that may be helpful for him to look at. This could help for when he sees little one managing food she needs to bite and chew as a lot of parents panic about gagging.

I'd say just keep reassuring and get him involved in family meal times as much as possible so he sees little one managing their food.

User12879923378 · 05/09/2018 11:27

I don't think he's unreasonable. Baby led weaning can be quite scary. Why don't you do the chunk finger food and let him give her mashes to squelch her hands around in?

Mookatron · 05/09/2018 11:29

I think a mixture is fine. You don't need to be a purist about BLW (or purées.. geddit!). Your H can purée to his heart's content. I do understand the fear. However if you're a paramedic, seriously, you know what to do if she does choke so he shouldn't stop you feeding her in your own way. Personally I found a combination of finger foods, food from my plate, a bit of purée from a packet (gasp) now and again the easiest. Relaxing about it is the main thing.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread