To find dp attitude towards this a bit insulting?

[eeeehmagawd]

I'm a paramedic currently on maternity leave after having our dc 7 months ago. I also have a child from a previous relationship who is now 10.

My dp returned to work a week after she was born so I've don't the majority of the work myself and had to sort of force him to get involved. I understood his apprehension as she is his first child and he didn't want to hurt her or do it wrong and since I made bath and bed time his thing (at around 3 months old) he has really got involved.

I've been doing some baby led weaning with our 7 month old which she loves. Dp though hates it, says it makes him nervous (which I understand) and can we not just give her purées so she doesn't choke. My argument is that she's learning to chew (well gum) I don't give her anything too hard and that she actually quite enjoys it. It's also literally my job to know what to do if, god forbid, anything goes wrong.

He had a go at me last night when I asked why he was cutting up the food I was going to give her the next day into tiny pieces.

When he's home at the weekend he doesn't want to get involved feeding her so he doesn't see how capable she is as coping with solids.

Am I unreasonable to find it quite insulting that he 1) thinks that I would actually endanger our daughter feeding her stuff she can't cope with and 2) thinks I'm incapable of dealing with something that is actually my job to know how to deal with!

He’s a normal concerned and anxious FTP. Many of us were like this. It shows he actually gives a damn at least... I wouldn’t find it insulting, just attempt to reassure him as much as possible that you obviously would not endanger your DD in any way because you love her just as much as him.

OCD? what are you on about? If you can’t stay calm when a child is choking you shouldn’t be in sole charge of them. obviously! No idea why you are directing comments at me and then threatening to report me if I respond to them. That’s ridiculous. If you dont want to engage with me then don’t!

But seriously, don’t be in sole charge of children.

Or you could stop being an arse over what was clearly a jokey comment

Actually, I think you're being insulting to him.

He has a very real worry about his first baby potentially choking, which would be very frightening for an untrained person to deal with, and most people are nervous about a lot of things with their first baby.

You're dismissing his fear and telling him that you know better than him because this is not your first child, and you're a trained paramedic so you know all about these things.

He probably feels you're being a tad patronising. It's not all about you and what you know and how you feel.

He's the baby's parent too and he's entitled to have his feelings acknowledged.

I agree that he's just anxious. Some parents are more anxious than others and some focus their anxieties on one issue more than another. Totally normal and I don't think it means he thinks you're irresponsible, more that by cutting up the food it'll stop him worrying at work the next day.

Or you could stop being an arse over what was clearly a jokey comment

It really was not clear that was a joke. Not at all.

Meant to add that talking to him about it and trying to get him to understand how blw works and the difference between choking and gagging might help him relax about it.

He had a go at you because you had a go at him. Was there any harm in him cutting the food into tiny pieces

well, if they were chunks big enough for the baby to hold, and now they're so small the baby will have to be fed.. yes..

He can feed the baby as he feels comfortable, OP can feed as she feels comfortable - but he was cutting up food that OP was going to feed the baby, ie interfering with what she'd organised for her self.

Yes, he does need to have it pointed out to him that cutting the baby's food into chunks is creating more of a choking hazard than just giving the baby a lump of something to chew on.

He's a bit PFB isn't he?

It's weird how most of you are focusing on the blw stuff, and ignoring the fact that he isn't very involved with his own child. If he doesn't bother to feed her on the weekends, it's not really on for him to criticize what her involved parent is doing.

Cutting food up into little chunks is actually more of a risk than letting LOs bite/suck at larger pieces...

If your DH is nervous of BLW couldn't he give her foods he feels safer with when he's in charge? It doesn't have to be purees, but soups with bread to dip, yoghurt to self feed, scrambled egg, etc?

This seems like such a non-issue tbh OP. You have differing opinions on how you want to parent –that's totally normal! You have to learn how to compromise.

You both have your reasons. Does it really matter if she eats small pieces with him and big pieces with you?

This seems like such a non-issue tbh OP. You have differing opinions on how you want to parent –that's totally normal! You have to learn how to compromise.

You both have your reasons. Does it really matter if she eats small pieces with him and big pieces with you?

Just to clarify I do try to encourage him, for instance her breakfast is usually a dissolved weetabix/porridge or similar, I spoon feed yougurts etc because tbh it's just easier and try to get him to do it but as soon as she so much as coughs he's off.

I've done the small pieces with her and it does just make her gag more because she doesn't think she's got to chew anything so tries to swallow it whole so agree it makes it more dangerous.

The stuff he was chopping up was what I was going to give her for lunch today, when he's at work so he wouldn't be here anyway. I didn't have a go I simply asked why he was chopping up her lunch for tomorrow.

I get why he's worried about it but rather than him getting involved with the process in general he just tells me he doesn't like it and stomps off. He couldn't tell you what she has for breakfast, lunch and dinner or even how to make it because he just doesn't know, has never bothered to ask and just seems to criticise the way I do it rather than get involved and see what his child is actually capable of eating and feeding herself. If he doesn't like the way I'm doing it then surely, you would think, he would actively try to involve himself more so that he has more of an input to put his mind at rest.

He is quite fussy with food anyway and I'd rather he not push that onto our dd especially when he tries to make an issue about her trying pineapple or butternut squash and (shoot me now) marmite!

I would say that he's welcome to make and give purees for the meals he's looking after her, and you'll do BLW for meals you're looking after her. Best of both worlds - wide variety of tastes and textures, and she still gets the benefits of trying to chew :)

Of course... he would have to put in the effort of making purees and taking responsibility for some of the meals. But then, since he feels so strongly about it (enough to constantly criticise you for not doing it), of course he'll do it himself given the chance...? ;)

I spoon feed yougurts etc because tbh it's just easier and try to get him to do it but as soon as she so much as coughs he's off.

But that's puree? So he doesn't want to feed her puree either?

@LannieDuck no he doesn't like feeding her at all essentially he wants me to feed her what he thinks she should be fed!

It looked like a joke to me. Hyperbole is a fairly common thing and usually indicates lack of seriousness.

So basically he just wants her to be fed liquids, but he doesn't want to do it himself.

How long does he want to do that for?

It's definitely over the top, but I can see how an anxious person can get worked up over blw.

Can he discuss his worries with your HV?

My ex-h wasn't keen on blw and always tried to spoon feed if he did get involved. Can you try to get him to read a reputable book on blw, maybe that would calm his fears and potentially have more impact than just you saying it? I get where you're coming from about feeling insulted over your professional skills, but for the sake of calming his fears maybe the 'authority' of an actual book would have more effect?

Sounds like he can't do right for doing wrong! My OH wanted me to quarter small, seedless grapes when of granddaughter was 4 or 5! Maybe he'll decide to leave it all to you.

He is leaving it to OP, but wants to leave it on his terms.

OP at first I thought you were being precious about how HE fed your dd. Now I see he wants to control what you feed dd when he is not around. Is someone winding him up in the background - interfering friends or relatives?

I would build on his involvement with meals by feeding her porridge, yogurts and purées
After all, Everyone eats a mixed diet
As it's his first DC, He's bound be nervous about coping with potentially dangerous situations
Go easy on him

Forgot to add, when he's there
he certainly should be involved in every part of his Dc life
Remind him he's a parent too!