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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to speak to my DS teacher so soon?

89 replies

Pa2sk · 04/09/2018 23:31

DS (4) had his first day at school today. He's not a cryer at all generally but was anxious before starting school today. After school i asked him how his day was and if he was upset at all. He said he wasn't allowed to be upset or he would be told off, when i asked him more about this he said he did cry and the teacher said to "stop that, stop that right now".

Aibu to raise this as a concern?

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 04/09/2018 23:32

Yes I think so. It's not going to help at all, is it? He needs comforting, not telling off.

Chickenwings85 · 04/09/2018 23:34

Ooh the poor little thing. Starting school is scary enough, he doesn't need his teacher to be saying things like that to him, bless his little heart. I would definitely talk to the teacher about it, make yourself known

garethsouthgatesmrs · 04/09/2018 23:34

Raise it but expect him/her to have a different version. Not because he is lying but because he may have misinterpreted something or taken something to heart

KitNCaboodle · 04/09/2018 23:35

I would ask the teacher how he was. It may be that she asked him to stop crying so he could explain why he was upset. However the fact he feels he cannot cry in case he gets told off needs addressing.

RavenWings · 04/09/2018 23:37

make yourself known

Lord above, no. You are hearing this from a 4 year old and they don't always have an accurate view of things. Going bulling into the school will just make you look thick, hotheaded and earmark you.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/09/2018 23:39

No YANBU. If the teacher can't handle settling in crying kids. He/She needs to rethink their career. Not every child can walk in like they own the gaff.
If he's nervous a bloody big towering strange adult telling him to stop crying is certainly not going to help.

I'm not saying go in all guns blazing. Just be assertive. No teacher would ever accept that for their children.

Redteapot67 · 04/09/2018 23:43

You only heard part of the story

Why did you ask him if he was upset at all - your job was/is to make school such a positive experience for him. You should have talked excitedly about it with him and then after asked ‘did you have fun? Was it amazing?’ Etc?

That being said , yes I would speak to the teacher tomorrow and say was he ok/you know he was crying what can you do to help him?

The key bit being ‘you’ that means you not the teacher. It’s not her/his fault your kid was upset. If you go in thinking it was and it’s their job to fix it you’ll just put their back up. It’s your job to get your child ready for school. Their job to teach them.

Redteapot67 · 04/09/2018 23:45

Ps I think the problem being that crying kids make it a negative experience for the other children

Catrina1234 · 04/09/2018 23:51

I wonder why you asked your son if he was upset and he was bound to be anxious on his first day. Please don't see the teacher on day 1 - there are years of school ahead of him and things that will worry you and will pick up when there's a need to see a teacher. I suspect it was the child who thought he'd be told off if he cried, as for what the teacher allegedly said, children often make things up or exaggerate. My eldest grandchild told me she had no friends (in Reception) and she just walked round the playground on her own. I had a peep one day outside the gate and there she was running around with all the other kids. Only last week my 8 year old grand=daughter said teacher had "told her off" for putting a smiley face on her writing page. She wasn't bothered and nor was I but then she said "AND she made me sweep the classroom floor and I nearly missed the school bus. I immediately felt that was not true (Iknow the teacher quite well and she was DGD's teacher last year. I said to DGD "Oh come on I'm sure Mrs X would not make you do that and it was then that I noticed a smirk on DGD's face and she said "well she asks who wants to sweep the floor and most of us do, so I got to do it today - hmm rather a different spin. The other thing is we never know what tone the teacher used - your DS might have heard it differently - she might have said "Shuss now, we don't want such a noise" or something similar. I don't want to be rude but I think you might be feeding into his anxiety by asking him if he was upset and the probing further. i honestly don't think any primary teacher would say "you're not allowed to get upset" - it may even be that was one of his fears that might be said if he got upset.

So I'd chill out and don't ask him if he's been upset - and that might your anxiety coming out but it's best to say you hope he's had a nice day (kids almost always say "I don't know" or "can't remember" to the Q "what did you do at school today? Am sure things will settle but please don't raise this as a concern and remember kids often tell us a very different version of an incident.

BackforGood · 04/09/2018 23:51

Agree with others - don't take your ds's 'report' as being entirely factual. The perception of a 4 yr old is notoriously unreliable. If you think you need to be concerned about anything they say, go in and ask 'how was he' or 'what happened'

I also don't think 'asking him if he was upset' was a good idea. It is putting the thought into his mind - like there is an expectation to 'be upset'. Ask him 'what did you do?' or 'Did anything funny happen today?' or 'What was the best part of the day?' or 'did you play outside?' etc.etc., to try to unpick the day a bit, but starting with the expectation it was a lovely day.

Original poster

Pa2sk · 04/09/2018 23:58

I didn't relay the entire conversation i had with DS as i didnt feel it was necessary. This all came out later on in the afternoon. Not really the point of what i was asking. I was really addressing the fact that she told him to stop crying. Its something that i completely disagree with and wouldn't want him to feel that he is not allowed to cry.

OP posts:

Redteapot67 · 05/09/2018 00:01

You aren’t actually listening to any of the posts people wrote to you - she probably didn’t tell him what he told you
You need to see it was you that failed to prepare him for school such that he was crying on his first day rather than that the teacher was the ‘bad guy’.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 05/09/2018 00:05

A kid crying in the first day of school is not the parents fault for not preparing them how ridiculous!

I would be reluctant to talk to the teacher though, just incase this then had a negative effect towards your son.

Redteapot67 · 05/09/2018 00:08

Notum - well actually it is your job pre school is to teach them how to detach from you ok, how to handle new circumstances and talk them through how to handle that first day or so.

I’ve done loads of work preparing my daughter to get her to point where I know she’ll be nervous but excited and ready for the challenge

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2018 00:13

I agree with @Redteapot67

Op, at school they can't give them the 121 care your child is used to, snd they might need to tell a child to stop crying for any one of a number of reasons - Setting others off, needing to hear what they're saying, crying because they didn't get their own way etc etc

NotUmbongoUnchained · 05/09/2018 00:14

Well gold star for you.

Some kids are scared of going to brand new big building full of strange people, wearing strange clothes.

Chickenwings85 · 05/09/2018 00:19

Do you think he might of been just really overwhelmed? Maybe he had a build up of all emotions and then being away from you and having to learn new rules, names, etc.. could that have been why he cried? A child's version of events next to a teachers is almost very different. I would ask the teacher what happend even if it is just for your own reassurance.

Beeziekn33ze · 05/09/2018 00:19

In reception classes I've taught, a child or two crying on the first morning is just something which happens. Teachers have their own ways of reassuring the children. Most reception teachers would have distracted your son somehow, maybe with an activity, an introduction to another child or calmly talking to him. Not talking about crying but maybe explaining what was going to happen next.
Bluntly telling a 4 year old to stop it doesn't sound like the best strategy.

Redteapot67 · 05/09/2018 00:23

Not um - of course they’ll be scared hence why before term starts you need to practice wearing the clothes - make it exciting and so they are proud to wear them. Go to the school to get the child familiar with it. Try and have play dates with s few kids that’ll be in their class etc.

Of course you can’t prevent every upset but the op here seemed to jump automatically to ‘the teacher was in the wrong’. Whereas she’s not 1. Considered why he was crying in the first place and if there was anything she could have done differently not just the teacher and 2. That her sons version of events probably wasn’t true. He could have been told off for being naughty - and then cried for example.

I would speak to the teacher to ask how he was and get any direct feedback. I wouldn’t go in with the view that your child is golden and the teacher had been being nasty! It’s a most unlikely scenario.

Original poster

Pa2sk · 05/09/2018 00:28

Redteapot that's an awful lot of assuming. I didn't imply that the teacher was at fault at all. You have no idea what i have and haven't considered. You're an odd person. I hope your daughter has someone in her life with an ounce of emotional intelligence.

OP posts:

saoirse31 · 05/09/2018 00:28

Talk to teacher, ask her how he was rather than assuming you've got correct story.

Stop asking negative questions about school to your son.

While you wouldn't want your son to think he's not allowed to cry, you could work on helping him not to cry a lot over small things, if in fact he does so.

Original poster

Pa2sk · 05/09/2018 00:30

As i said in the post. He is not a cryer and is very resilient. Attends a 3 hour activity every weekend with no issues.

OP posts:

Redteapot67 · 05/09/2018 00:31

Op - your whole post was about the fact you heard a story from your son and assumed it true - that he was crying and she told him to stop it and shut up and didn’t handle it properly! So yes you were just jumping to critising the teacher and didn’t even vaguely stop to think 1. that your son said might be a skewed version of the facts and 2. That you and your son could have prevented or dealt with the scenario differently too

SongBirdsKeepSinging · 05/09/2018 00:31

Dd1 was absolutely fine starting school but dd2 was more anxious,she still is now going into yr3. Dd1 will happily tell me every tiny detail of her day but dd2 needs more coaxing. I was advised on here to ask questions in a different way to get more information out of her. I start off by asking what the best part of the day was, what was the funniest, what made her smile etc etc about the positives and then ask what was the worst part of the day was. Then go back to the positive type questions. I find I get a better grasp of the day as a whole that way. I know that isn't what you asked and I don't know if you already do that but thought it might be helpful.

With regards to speaking to the teacher, I was a ta before having dc and in my experience teachers are happy to talk about any problems with parents but you will get a better response if you don't go in all guns blazing. As other posters have mentioned your ds may have misunderstood the teachers words/tone etc. I think it would be better to ask how they felt ds had done on his first day and then mention that he's worried he'd get in trouble if he got upset. The teachers at our school all make themselves available at the beginning and end of the school day during reception class especially.

I hope your ds has a better day today and that you can get any issues resolved.

Redteapot67 · 05/09/2018 00:33

I really suspect the ‘stop that, stop that right now’ was her telling him off for being naughty not crying - is he generally a well behaved boy that does what he is told or does he struggle to follow rules and authority?

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