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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to speak to my DS teacher so soon?

89 replies

Pa2sk · 04/09/2018 23:31

DS (4) had his first day at school today. He's not a cryer at all generally but was anxious before starting school today. After school i asked him how his day was and if he was upset at all. He said he wasn't allowed to be upset or he would be told off, when i asked him more about this he said he did cry and the teacher said to "stop that, stop that right now".

Aibu to raise this as a concern?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pa2sk · 05/09/2018 00:34

Thank you.

I don't intend to go in all guns blazing.

OP posts:
SongBirdsKeepSinging · 05/09/2018 00:36

I'm sorry I just reread my post and realised that I have come across quite bluntly, I didn't mean to imply that you would be going in all guns blazing

Original poster
Pa2sk · 05/09/2018 00:38

Not naughty at all, especially as he was anxious i expect he would have been quiet rather than unruly.

Through work i have had to observe teachers and have seen that generally reception teachers have a 'get on with it' approach with upset children, which i tend to agree with.

Just the stop it right now comment didnt sit right with me.

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 05/09/2018 00:44

It could be that the teacher did say those words (or similar). Imagine a kind voice saying 'come on, stop now...' to a crying chIld. It's a different thing and something we all might say to our children. He's 4, the teacher is a stranger, maybe he didn't pick up on a kind tone and is just repeating the words.

Little ones do exaggerate I'm afraid. Mine are older now and with benefit of hindsight & experience I know they did 'spin' things, albeit unintentionally.

It's been an emotional day for you both. Cool your jets and give it a day or so.

ShovingLeopard · 05/09/2018 00:50

Redteapot whilst I don't disagree with your approach to preparing your child for school, to imply that a child crying must be a failing on the parent's part to prepare them is overly simplistic. Some children are temperamentally more sensitive than others, and will find their first day at school daunting no matter how well prepared they are. The fact that OP's child cried is not an indication that she (or he) has done anything wrong.

Redteapot67 · 05/09/2018 00:54

Shoving - I agree and I’m sorry if it came over like that. My back was prickled by the op’s stance of well look at what nasty teacher did before she actually heard the facts from her. That and the constant stream of parents I keep coming across nowadays who feel their child can do no wrong. I’m sure parents didn’t use to be like that as much.

Yes children can cry despite doing everything you can to prepare them. They are only little still after all.

Original poster
Pa2sk · 05/09/2018 00:59

Redteapot - once again, you are assuming that i was attacking the teacher. I didn't say the teacher was nasty. Hence my post asking what i should do.

What don't you understand about that?

OP posts:
Neshoma · 05/09/2018 01:12

You've got 11+ years of school angst ahead of you - don't start being 'that parent' on Day 1. If he hasn't settled by the end of the week I'm sure the teacher will be coming to you to work on strategy.

RoomOfRequirement · 05/09/2018 01:21

Stop crying isn't necessarily her being mean, angry, or anything negative. She could absolutely have said it while comforting him, in a 'there, there, come on now, let's stop the tears and do XYZ instead' - which is a perfectly normal and reasonable way to speak to a 4 year old. With what you've said here there's no way I'd speak to the teacher about telling him not to stop crying.

Monty27 · 05/09/2018 01:26

They come back with all sorts of stories when they start school. Nobody played with me and we did nothing all day and such.
Just quietly ask the teacher how he was. I seriously can't imagine his interpretation is real.
Keep an eye on it of course Smile

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 05/09/2018 01:27

She's not unreasonable to say stop crying as there's so many ways to say it. She may have said something along the lines of "stop crying, it'll be time to go soon" or "stop crying and why don't we do this"

For some children school is such a daunting experience and that can alter their view of what's happened.

Cousinit · 05/09/2018 01:28

YANBU, that doesn't sound a great way to handle a nervous 4 year old. However, I think I would just wait at least until the end of the week to see how he gets on. It may be that things improve for him as the week progresses. Here's hoping your boy settles in quickly.

moredoll · 05/09/2018 01:35

I think you have to speak to the teacher. Your DS needs to know that you've got his back in a new situation which is strange to him. And the teacher needs to know that too. Frankly wouldn't bother me to be 'that parent' in this situation.

Princess1066 · 05/09/2018 01:38

Moredoll - agree 100%

manicinsomniac · 05/09/2018 01:40

Well, I've got two meeting booked with parents already and we don't even go back till Thursday! So I doubt you'll be the first one in. But, like others have said, do it from a position of querying how he's doing and saying he's been upset rather than be defensive or angry. I've got no issue with talking to any parent any time about anything they like but it's a much easier, more pleasant experience if everyone is calm and friendly!

Redteapot67 · 05/09/2018 01:41

Why would a teacher need to ‘know you’ve got his back’? Sounds almost threatening! Of course the teacher already knows you’re his parent and support him. Surely that has to include promoting positive relationships too?

Sleephead1 · 05/09/2018 06:54

well my little boy was crying yesterday aswell op so according to some on here I've obviously failed to prepare him aswell. Except I have as I know you will have but they are tiny children who for some of them would rather be with their parents and it's a huge change for them and my son is a very sensitive little boy and I'm sure it's easy for all the parents of the children who go in easily to think it's down to them but every person is different and will react differently and there is nothing wrong with being shy / sensitive / quiet / nervous ECT some adults head into new social situations e.g. new job / public speaking ect and feel fine some really struggle ( I've seen loads of threads from adults saying they are nervous about school gate mums , new job , meeting people ECT) So why would it be different for very young children ? I would speak to the teacher and explain what your son said as I do think it may have been a mix up but it's awful he feels he can't cry and I don't believe it's helpful at all. Hopefully the teacher can reassure you as I'm sure they will have dealt with many upset children over their career. Good luck and I know it's very hard to see your child upset

Badhairday77 · 05/09/2018 07:03

Well I am glad my children's reception teachers were more understanding. None of my children cried but those that did were well supported. Obviously assuming that the incident wasn't misinterpreted. Best advice I think is just to have a casual word with teacher.

Fireworks91 · 05/09/2018 07:06

Pmsl, the child is 4. All the preparing in the world can't always prepare a 4 year old for th shock of being away all day.

Yanbu OP.

JumblieGirl · 05/09/2018 07:37

That three hour activity at the weekend, are you with him? Or at least in the same building/area?

Original poster
Pa2sk · 05/09/2018 08:45

Jumbliegirl - i drop him off and pick him up after. Don't stay with him.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 05/09/2018 08:57

Starting school is a big thing and long tiring days. To put it in perspective he will more than likely be one of 30 children, with one teacher and one ta if lucky. Your child will not get one to one attention. However as a teacher myself she may have told him to stop crying as a final resort after trying to comfort him repeatedly. Best to simply ask the teacher how he was and see how the conversation goes from there.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 05/09/2018 09:09

I can't imagine being a teacher and being in a room of 25-30+ kids aged around 4yrs old and if one starts getting upset and cries, then more might start. Perhaps the teacher didn't want a ripple effect going through the classroom so went about getting your DS to stop crying the wrong way. If he started he could set someone else off who otherwise was holding it together. They are so young and this is so new to them.
Honestly, I'd give them a few days to settle in to school and see if the situation improves at all. Keep the channels of communication open between you and your DS and if it hasn't improved by next week, then perhaps a quick chat with the teacher wouldn't be off the cards.

Poloshot · 05/09/2018 09:09

Leave it, kids just have to get on with things sometimes, you'll come across as a needy lunatic and end up never being away from the school if you start out like this.

pasanda · 05/09/2018 09:21

Fuck me redteapot.

My dd went into Year 6 this morning and only just about held it together (mainly because she's scared of the TA who has an awful reputation and didn't want to be ridiculed by her).

I have clearly totally and utterly failed her. It's her 7th year at that school and she still doesn't want to leave me in the morning. A 4 year old crying a few tears on their first day of school is totally normal.