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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to speak to my DS teacher so soon?

89 replies

Pa2sk · 04/09/2018 23:31

DS (4) had his first day at school today. He's not a cryer at all generally but was anxious before starting school today. After school i asked him how his day was and if he was upset at all. He said he wasn't allowed to be upset or he would be told off, when i asked him more about this he said he did cry and the teacher said to "stop that, stop that right now".

Aibu to raise this as a concern?

OP posts:

TwoOddSocks · 05/09/2018 09:25

Ps I think the problem being that crying kids make it a negative experience for the other children

That's a terrible attitude. You have to hide the fact that you're upset in case it bothers the other children! I think everyone will elect a few tears on the first day of school and the teacher will be expecting to provide comfort and or distraction to lots of children.

That said I would definitely speak to the teacher as DS may well have misunderstood what happened.

BerriesandLeaves · 05/09/2018 09:30

I suppose it's possible the teacher was speaking to another child who was poking someone at the same time. If not i agree it's a bit mean

Merryoldgoat · 05/09/2018 09:35

I haven’t read the entire thread but Jesus - it makes me laugh when people have done something that worked for they’re child and therefore it will work for all.

Also, the number of people saying you can’t trust what a 4 year old says

I’m not saying you’ll get pin-point accuracy but a child of that age who is articulate will be able to recount things that happened to them.

OP - I hope he has a better day. My son was a bit anxious at the start of Reception and had a few tears after the settling in time but the teacher was lovely to him, held his hand and reassured him. After about 2 weeks he was running in. It was his first day in Year 1 yesterday and he was extremely happy to go.

I agree with making yourself known too. You don’t have to be a cow to let a teacher know who you are and that you will be an advocate for your son.

Goth237 · 05/09/2018 09:40

She may have said it in a jokey way. There is no way to know the context. You're being oversensitive, OP. Just ask the school how he was, no need to go in there and start accusing the teachers of not allowing your son to cry.

FedupMumma2 · 05/09/2018 09:42

Red teapot - is your DD starting school this term? If, in the unlikely event things don't go as you are expecting and she does cry or feel a bit upset, will you blame yourself? And feel all your preparations have been inadequate?

Even kids that are confident and excited on day one, occasionally have upset days in reception! My DS1 was great in the first few weeks of school when many of the others were crying and anxious, but he had a couple of wobbly days mid-way through. All kids are different!

It's great you are tying to prepare you kid for school, but don't assume others haven't or judge others if they have more nervous children. They are all different! DS1 skipped in on the first day and made friends easily etc.. DS2 who starts this year will likely likely be more tentative! There may be some tears, there may not! They are different children with different needs. I have looked after and raised them as best I can and prepared both for school. Sometimes kids are just kids.

I think you sound quite judgy and are the school mum I totally don't want to meet on DS2's first day

Bowerbird5 · 05/09/2018 09:49

She probably asked him to stop crying so she could understand what had upset him. As others have said just ask if he was ok as he had said he cried. She might not remember don't blame her for that as it is hard to remember everything. Ours aren't in until Monday and I know we have a screamer...his mum knows me...she said good luck!

Chat about the positives as this will help him settle in.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 05/09/2018 09:50

You don’t know if the teacher told him to stop crying in the way he says she did, he’s 4, hardly reliable in giving a witness statement...
You also don’t know how long he was crying for? Maybe there came a point where he had to be told.
It’s quite telling that rather than asking him if he’d enjoyed his first day, you asked him if he’d been upset at all? Why on earth would you do that?!

Bowerbird5 · 05/09/2018 09:54

Merryoldgoat.
I always tell the parents don't believe everything they tell you about school and I won't believe everything they tell me about home. Believe me they tell some right porkies. I told a dad about what his little boy told me last year and we had a good laugh about it afterwards. They live opposite school and dad was relieved I hadn't believed the lad. It was quite a story.

BlackInk · 05/09/2018 09:59

I would agree that your DS's version of events might not be quite accurate, but I wouldn't go steaming into school on day 2 unless he becomes very distressed about going i

BlackInk · 05/09/2018 10:01

Ooops!

... about going in! Work on helping your son to build confidence and not feel that he shouldn't express his emotions :)

Cousinit · 05/09/2018 10:03

There are some very weird comments on this thread! A "needy lunatic" if you decide to discuss concerns about your son's wellbeing. Really??? As someone said before, it's perfectly possible to have a talk with the teacher without being stroppy about it. Four is so young and I think it's completely normal for a child of this age to struggle with what is expected of them at school when they start. It's certainly not due to anything their parent has or hasn't done.

Cousinit · 05/09/2018 10:05

Bowerbird5 I want to hear the story now!

Original poster

Pa2sk · 05/09/2018 10:07

Blackink - he's very confident. Obviously just anxious about the transition. Definatley don't want him to feel that being upset is negative.

OP posts:

TwoOddSocks · 05/09/2018 10:11

Cousinit

Exactly. I was lucky in that DS trotted into school happily from day one. There were quite a few who struggled to settle though and their parents would often have a chat with the (lovely) reception teacher in the morning. Presumably talking about ways to help. I don't think OP was considering having a screaming match with the teacher, just coming in to flag a concern and clarify so she could help DS settle.

Merryoldgoat · 05/09/2018 10:14

Bowerbird - I absolutely get that and agree to an extent but one knows one’s child. I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing but a quick ‘Hi, I’m Tarquin’s Mum. He was a bit upset yesterday after school and I wondered if you noticed or knew why?’ And be led by their response.

If they say ‘oh yes, Tarquin was missing you so I told him he’d feel better if he stopped crying and came and played with Jasper’ then all is fine.

If you get ‘oh yes, I told him he was too big to be crying for you - he’s got to get used to being here’ then I’d be less happy.

I expect the teacher to be kind to my child but also discipline them when required without a doubt. At 4 they need an advocate and to know someone is in their corner.

embo1 · 05/09/2018 10:31

I'd speak to the teacher... I'm really hoping your son has misinterpreted what the teacher said, but either way, he still thinks the teacher said he will get in trouble if he is upset and any (good) reception teacher would not want a child to feel like that - it will massively impact the way he thinks and feels about school.

So I would go in and say that ds has got the impression that the teacher said that and it's added to his anxiety, so could the teacher let him know he won't be in trouble if he gets upset.

The teacher will either say they did say that, in which case, that's an awful thing to say to a little one on their first day at school, there are much better approaches to take with anxious 4 year olds... Or, they will tell you what they actually said and want to reassure your ds when he's uoset (or distract him with something he will enjoy!)

Just a quiet word at pick up should suffice - don't make an appointment!

OutPinked · 05/09/2018 10:43

My DGM taught reception age for over thirty years and she said it wasn’t a normal day at work without the sound of at least one child crying . It’s perfectly normal, they’re four! Absolutely tiny. Even many adults feel nervous and anxious walking into a new job or social setting so of course a tiny four year old will.

I would have a quiet word with the teacher OP.

5000KallaxHoles · 05/09/2018 10:53

I'd query it gently and politely - not assuming your child's word's gospel which you don't seem to be doing anyway. A few crying and getting unsettled, even the most unlikely suspects, is par for the course starting Reception - it's the whole thing of it being a new place, uniform, different people, them picking up on parents' feelings about it all... and it's usually a smile, remove them from parents, get them inside with a bit of a hug or friendly hand on the shoulder or whatever and "oooh look shall we go see what's in the water tray this morning" jobbie. Not hours and hours of dwelling on it but kind and firm and get them hooked into an activity and distracted ASAP approach - but definitely not telling them crying is wrong.

As for crying being "bad" because it unsettles the others - they're 4 for fuck's sake - can we save the repressed British stiff upper lip for a couple of years yet?! My youngest is really sensitive to noise and gets quite distressed at kids crying sometimes - but one of her friends was in tears going in this morning into Y1 (again, kind of inevitable as a few are always a bit wobbly after the break from the routine anyway and the transition into a different year group on top of that tends to throw them) and she was straight up there giving him a cuddle to try to make sure he was better (it didn't really help much but the thought was there bless her!)

My eldest always struggles with transitions - some kids just do. It's taken us a couple of years (and school worked with her prior to the end of term) to get her to where she can cope easily with moving up into a new year group... this year she's decided she prefers her new class teacher's choice of "pretty dresses" so skipped off quite happily (her old class teacher's feeling slightly miffed this judgement about wardrobe superiority)! Unfortunately her anxiety usually shows itself in a show of mini-teenage bravado and attitude - I wish she was a flipping crier sometimes rather than sounding like an escapee from the Disney Channel!

When I've taught reception I have had to tell a child that I can't understand what they're trying to tell me while they're crying and that I need them to take a big deep breath and then tell me clearly what the matter is - but not a "stop that now".

5000KallaxHoles · 05/09/2018 10:55

I was talking to the headteacher this morning - I must be a totally needy lunatic then! (Actually needed to know if school were OK with something happening in principle, discuss some diagnostic stuff that's come through for one child... and we were discussing holidays as well)

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 05/09/2018 10:57

Why would your first words on collecting your child be “were you upset at all today”, though?
Sounds like the child hadn’t even remembered until that point.

Original poster

Pa2sk · 05/09/2018 11:06

Iamagreyhound - they wasn't my first words

Didnt think i would need to relay the entire conversation we had had.

OP posts:

PorkFlute · 05/09/2018 11:37

I would leave it and see how things progress. If your child reporting her being uncaring becomes a pattern then it might be time to go in for a chat and see what’s going on.
Stop that could have been referring to something he was doing while he was crying for eg.

PorkFlute · 05/09/2018 11:40

I also think that asking if he was upset is pretty negative and leading imo. It’s kind of reinforcing for him that you are expecting him to be upset/that school isn’t a happy place. Not the best if he is anxious.
How was your day would be better imo.

Neshoma · 05/09/2018 11:54

And whilst you are 'quizzing' the teacher and 'looking out' for him, he'll be running around the playground with his new friends.

When my DD went on school trips one parent would tell her child she wouldn't be able to take her teddy, she might have to sit next to Brandon, she might feel sick, she couldn't take her favourite lunch box, she might be late and miss CBeebies. Then asked "Do yo want to go?" Surprisingly she wouldn't even get on the coach.

PlatypusPie · 05/09/2018 12:46

Day 1 ? Yes, OP, you are being overly quick to run in to ‘ correct’ your child’s teacher. She may not have been the same as you in comforting him when he cried - there was an entire class of other children facing the emotions of their first day after all - and he was offended at that and has over egged the description of what her reaction was in order to emphasise that ( and fulfil your expectations of his distress ) He may well have heard that phrase in other situations. Looking back, I think I ascribed much more emotional maturity and purity of motive to my DDs at that age that was merited and I think that is a common parental pitfall.

His crying may also have gone from genuine tears to fake snivelling when he wasn’t getting the full on maternal attention he wanted - we have all seen that in action.

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