To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

I'm with you OP! Men are lazy fucks most of the time.

In the beginning, yes put pillows in my chair and make sure I have drinks when I'm bf in the night. Yes absolutely do the housework when you're home!

If the roles were reversed, men would have us cleaning and tidying while they were bf 100%

Good on you for being amazing OP!

Have you been at the cooking sherry, Sword? You sound a little overwrought.

Whilst on ML I found I needed a block of uninterrupted sleep so DH took an 8pm-midnight or 11.30 shift to allow me a chunk of time

He would also take a block in the morning before work so that I could shower, dress and eat breakfast.

Once back at work we split night wakings. No fucking way was I going to be doing those exclusively - but we split them one night on one night off. We didn’t both get up at the same time!

DP does all nappies when he's home, but there's no point in him waking up in the night too! I do the night wake ups and DP let's me sleep in if they get up early.
Regards tidying and cleaning, my standards are higher than his and im quicker therefore I end up doing most of it out of preference.
Also when he gets back tidying is a way to get a quick break from the kids while he has some time with them, no point in him coming home and tidying rather than seeing the DC when I've spent all day with them already!

I had a child earlier this year and my husband did sweet FA after I gave birth. He spent all his pat leave playing computer whilst I struggled with 100% of the childcare and housework despite repeated begging for help as I was hungry/thirsty/dirty/wanted him to look after baby for an hour so I could get some sleep/have a bath. It was the same when he went back to work. I bf so I was happy to do the night feeds and wakings as he drives as part of his job but I expected DH to step up with childcare and housework before before/after work/at the weekends. He thought mat leave was like a restful holiday for me (with a baby which refused to be put down or sleep during the day) hence him potentially becoming an ex-h now

I have a 9 week old and we share the work we are a partner ship. If she is expressing / breastfeeding (like myself) I would suggest you get up a couple of nights a week with him and give him a bottle and let her sleep!!! And she gets up other nights and sorts it there’s no point you both being up xx

DH used to get up to do any night time nappy changes. I had stitches that took a long time to heal and SPD that took a long time to go, and we had a co-sleeper which made it hard for me to wiggle out of bed, so not having to get up was appreciated! Once ds stopped needing changing so often, I generally hauled DS out, latched him on and did the needful. DH woke up every time as he's a very light sleeper but at least he could get back to sleep. I never felt he wasn't pulling his weight, although I did sometimes kick him a bit if he started snoring

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Why are women allowing this to happen Why are you blaming women for what men don't do?

Bully for you OP!

Parenting is a bit of a marathon, so I suppose it’s good to get an early start on looking-down-on-other-parents.

I agree with you OP, though I don't see the point in you both being awake for a breastfed baby.

My husband and I equally split everything childcare related, household tasks etc. We alternated the nights, so every other night I got an undisturbed 8 hour block (yay for bottles).

There's a huge difference between how tired we are when alternating nights, and doing every night (we both have done blocks of nights when the other is ill/away). Every other night is far more manageable. Every night tends to turn us into slight zombie like creatures!

But you'll never get most people on here to agree that the inequality in most relationships is unfair, as to admit so would be quite uncomfortable.

BTW, your wife does not need helping to a chair, and you may find that giving a bottle a night instead (can be expressed, as clearly she does pump), would be more helpful as it means she can get a solid block. Much more worthwhile than 2 of you being awake together.

the first couple weeks when DH was off work we did the night first in shifts so i would go to bed about 7pm -1am in spare room and he would deal with everything with the baby then we would swap over and then through the day we just shared all the tasks.

when he went back to work he did the last feed late at night and first in morning then i got up through the night. then at weekends he would do an entire night so id get a break.

this seemed to work well for us. obviously we were still tired but we thought this was the best way to share the burden and get more sleep!

We were lucky in that our son slept really well from 5 weeks old but there's no way I would have expected my husband to go to work with no sleep so I did do any night/early morning feeds, although he often did the last one at night.

Everyone expects a mum with a new baby to be tired; I don't suppose there's an employer in the land who cuts a new dad any slack.

Once I went back to work too we split everything equally.

Congrats on your new baby OP.

I do find however that you're making sweeping statements (and judgements) here.

I formula fed my first baby (whole other story). My DH is every other feed when it was 3-4 hourly.
Yes he went back to work but would come home with food, do the bedtime routine.
Weekends we would tag team and take it turns for everything pretty much.
When they were toddlers and waking up at 5am to get up an play in mid-winter we took it in turns to get up.

When I went back to work, I worked from home as a freelancer. I would work into the early
hours to get deadline done. He would take over.

Now my dcs are teens. Dh still does all the laundry, bedmaking, cleaning and bill paying.

I do all the school admin, shopping, cooking and healthcare.

Works well.

There's a huge difference between how tired we are when alternating nights, and doing every night (we both have done blocks of nights when the other is ill/away). Every other night is far more manageable. Every night tends to turn us into slight zombie like creatures!

This!

My fiance has no desire to be exposed to the cranky dragon I am without a decent chance of sleep every couple of days (not uninterrupted 8h, but certainly a decent few naps). No more am I interested in him being the non-verbal drone he is when he hasn't slept well for days.

And above all else agree it before you begin TTC.

Agree with your points bar the night time help. I exclusively breastfed and was ok with my dh getting sleep while I was up as there no point in both of us being up and super tired. My dh did help in other ways but not to the degree you're describing and it did cause resentment. I think it's great you and your partner share the load, that's how it should be I agree.

I once tried to refuse to take my baby from my partner because I was so tired. He didn’t know how to deal with that, so I eventually took our baby off him. In the morning he said that my eyes rolled back into my head when we were having this talk. I was so tired my eyes rolled back into me head, but the sod still left me with the baby. That was the one and only time I asked him to look after our child at night because I was so tired and he wouldn’t do it. No, we’re not together now surprisingly enough.

“well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating!

They are both true though. If you are exclusively breastfeeding, and the other person is working full time, you can't possible equally care for a newborn baby, its simply isn't possible.
i really have no idea what you are complaining about or why other peoples choices would infuriate you, they are none of your business.

Also, you're really insulting us all. I'm not transported back to the 19 fucking 50's you cheeky bollix! The nerve of you lecturing other people on parenting when you have one newborn child. You know nothing.

If the men can't get up because they couldn't cope with tiredness in their 'super important job' (which every man excused her seems to have), then what happens when the woman goes back to work, and baby is still waking?

1. 'oh but my job is nowhere near as important as SUPER IMPORTANT MAN job, so I'll still do the nights
2. split them (suddenly he can cope with less sleep - whodaknownit!)
3. take them all yourself because although you have super important job, you can do that and nights, and housework, and be superwoman basically.
4. be forced to do them all because your baby now won't take a bottle, and you're stuck.

With my first, Dh took 4 weeks off work and we shared child responsibilities. We did shifts at night so we had 4 hours protected sleep each. I combine fed so was easier for him to feed. When he went back to work, I went to bed from 7pm-12pm whilst he stayed in the spare room with baby then we switched. That way I had protected sleep and he had enough uninterrupted sleep to cope with work. He did bins, washing, cleaned bathroom. I cooked dinner and kept kitchen tidy. Not because I'm a woman but because I enjoy cooking. Lots of men do their fair share.

My husband has always done his share in my opinion however he had a month off when baby was born so was able to be up in the night etc. There were some days when he first went back to work that I was so worried he would crash on his way to work from sheer tiredness that I then preferred him to stay in bed and not help during the week nights. We only have the odd sleepless night now (teething) as baby is 6.5 months and I try and manage and then when he gets home from work baby is his and I'm not cooking!

I had a c-section so for the first few days home I needed help moving and he'd hand baby to me to breastfeed but once up and mobile I'd sit in spare bedroom watching tv with snacks when feeding.

Also, you're really insulting us all. I'm not transported back to the 19 fucking 50's you cheeky bollix! The nerve of you lecturing other people on parenting when you have one newborn child. You know nothing.

This.

hilarious thread!

FWIW it made no sense for dh to get up with me to feed ours when he'd gone back to work. We did the tag team thing where he did a bottle feed at 11 when I was asleep and I did the others. He helped out massively elsewhere - I don't feel like I've been had!

OP - just to let you know that if you're appalled by this you're in for a rough ride. There are so many different approaches to parenting (none of them being 100% right for 100% of people) that you really do have to let these things pass you by. Being a parent is about working out what suits you, your child and your family circumstances the best and ignoring other people. HTH

the upside is, OP, that you can feel superior

enjoy the smug feeling

Goodness I was expecting everyone to have the same reaction as me which was "awwww bless you sound lovely". No wonder the OP has vanished

I have a 4 week old. My OH drives an hour each way to work and works long shifts and sometimes unsociable hours (hospitality). I can nap in the day and he can't. It annoys me when I'm feeding baby in the night and he's awake wanting to help as I think he should make them most of trying to sleep. OH does early feeds or I have long naps on his days off at etc.

He does the shopping but I prefer doing it myself so have been ordering online. He does the washing and cleaning as and when needed but equally I like to potter around and get things done.

We've never sat down and discussed sharing the load. We work as a team to get things done. I just presumed most people worked in the same way. Just because it appears one person is doing more it may not necessarily be the case or may be the choice they've made.