To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

I think we’re misunderstanding one another, laurG. I’ve no issue with sharing responsibilities, it’s the both trying to do a job for one person together in the middle of the night, thereby both losing sleep for no good reason I have an issue with.
Op says she goes into work incoherent with tiredness, but actually doesn’t do anything particularly useful during the night shift. Nothing that can’t be done by the person who’s already awake.

Winter it depends who you are asking. If you asked my dh he would say he does half, but what he does is usually based on me reminding him to and he completely fails the “what shoe size are they, when is a dentist visit due, what is Santa bringing” test. And the praise they get for doing it!

The ones who still manage three gym visits in the week and a round of golf at the weekend.

Well tbf after the first two months my mat leave consisted of mostly meeting friends and wandering round the shops. It wasn't hard. So I had no objections to DP having time to do nice things too.

Yabu but I hope you are all enjoying life as a new family. It's a long road ahead, I wouldn't change any part of my time as a parent.

Primal - bet you had your lo with you though? So why couldn’t a man’s “fun” time include actually seeing his baby?

I think the behaviour while the woman is on maternity leave massively sets the tone for how they continue as parents.

Yes, this. Have seen so many women do everything on mat leave, then go back to work and continue to do everything "because he doesn't know how".

and 6 years down the line I've seen MANY of my friends break up. When you start to feel like ships in the night with multiple kids and chronic sleep deprivation, feeling like you're in it together and understand each other's hard work is what makes the difference.

Like I say people are in different situations. I certainly couldn't have helped out in the night as much as my other half did, if our positions were reversed. plenty of people have cushy desk jobs though!

So why couldn’t a man’s “fun” time include actually seeing his baby?

Who said it didn't? No one.

But there's no getting away from the fact that he was at work while I was eating cake with my friends - yes with the baby.

DH gets home at 6.30pm, takes LO so I can relax, then feeds, changes and puts her to bed. Then he makes dinner for both of us.

If she wakes again before 11 he'll feed again, if not I'll do the remaining night feeds (from 12 onwards until 6am). He gets up at 7am, changes her, makes up bottles for the day and then heads to work (works 8-6, not 9-5!).

So although the doesn't do the night feeds I'm happy with how it's spilt.

Looks like this attempted to be a man-slagging post but turns out a lot of us have fairly decent DHs.

Some people prefer to organise their households differently than you do, OP.

My husband is primarily in charge of earning money. I am primarily in charge of the house and the children. It works well for us; we're happy, you're happy, no need to recoil.

I should add. My life was much more difficult than my husband's when my children were small. My life is much easier than his now.

Hopefully op now realised that her “most” was based on a ridiculously small sample size, and means nothing at all.

My DS is ff so yeah, DP could get up & feed him when he wakes. But i hear him (he is right next to me) so wake anyway; it seems stupid for DP to wake too. We do a nappy change every feed as part of our routine; why on earth would i want to be loitering around whilst DP did a nappy change so i could feed? Or vice versa?

People need to accept that other families do things differently. Just because my DP doesn't do nights doesn't mean he is lazy; when he is in the house he is more hands on with DS than i am.

Winter it depends who you are asking. If you asked my dh he would say he does half, but what he does is usually based on me reminding him to and he completely fails the “what shoe size are they, when is a dentist visit due, what is Santa bringing” test. And the praise they get for doing it!

And again, I'm terribly sorry for you and your unequal set up, but if that is how you have arranged it and you're happy with it that way, that's your own affair. Don't use that to assume that everyone else is the same.

Wow. Haven’t RTFT but you’ve really triggered some defensive responses here OP. You’re absolutely right of course, women are be default expected to do everything unless they delegate it, as if they’re somehow more expert at having a child for the first time.

My DH used to help in the night because we had twins and I had to pump. His job was a piece of piss compared to looking after twins frankly, so the idea he’d need more sleep than me was hilarious to both of us.

women by default are expected to do everything unless they delegate it

That might be how it is in your household, but you can't say as fact that is correct nationwide. This idea that blokes are crap unless directed - usually based on a routine created or allowed by the women who say it - is purely anecdotal

and insulting. and unhelpful, and self-fulfilling. If that is how you think of men, that is both the men you will attract and the situation you will create.
Those of us who expect more get more.

Myself and my dp shared everything. He had four weeks off work and did all the housework and when dd cried at night which wasn’t much tbf he got up and got her from her cot (when she was older). Before that we’d both put her to bed. He’d get in from work and give her her bath. We’d share cooking and washing up and he’d do ‘his share’ at the weekends. I went back to work part time when she was 1 and I did all the cooking because I was home in the afternoons but we’d also alternate weekend get ups too.

This is amazing I love your enthusiasm and how much you care about your wife unfortunately it sends to be the norm and 95 percent of men are extremely lazy my partner did care minimum till she was snout a year old I went back to work when she was 6 months old and still did everything until he lost his job and I became the full time worker it's a sad reality of what life had become and the norm

I’ve not read all replies. But my dh did nothing at all. You’re right in our case. He said he needed to be up early for work. He didn’t want any of ours in our bedroom. So I moved into each bedroom with each child and slept in there for 6 months. (3 children) He didn’t do anything. Then he worked all day. Am I in the minority? The dc range from 8-17 now. He still doesn’t do much with them. But that’s how he is. He says they are my department. Pisses me off some days. But that’s just how he is.

But why did you have 2 more children with him after he was so crappy with the first? Or stay with someone who thinks the children are your department?
That's what I don't get. Are your expectations and self esteem so low?

He says they are my department yet you had three children with him 🤔
We get the treatment we’re prepared to accept.

95 percent of men are not extremely lazy. That's insulting to the very many men who are interested in their own children and fair to their partners.

It's also inaccurate because the men that do do nothing are lazy, it's their active choice to pass the work onto their female partner. It's not because they are simply lazy, it's because they are sexist/misogynist/casually accepting of stereotyped societal norms.

I am still a stay at home parent my husband did nothing with ours. Not really. To be fair to him he works rather long hours but I would have appreciated a bit of help some days when I was particularly tired. Which is why now that the children are both in school and it was so hard to find a job within school hours I told him that since I gave up my job to be the stay at home parent he could continue to support us while I stay at home parent when the kids are home and study while they are at school so I can get a new career. So it has worked out well for us in the end.

aren't lazy not "are"!

Well, I suppose it depends whether you want someone driving a car while incoherent with tiredness. And whether the woh parent can have a nap at work.

Yeah it's better to look after a newborn while incoherent with exhaustion. And proper roar at napping while the newborn naps. I don't know anyone who actually managed that but it's not exactly an option if you have more than one you know

YANBU op but people get defensive. A lot of men are lazy twats, it's not their wives' faults for "allowing them get away with it" though. It's their fault. Would you sit on your ass if you were allowed to and leave your wife to get on with it? Women who have just had a child have more to worry about then training their previously normal functioning adult husbands to parent too.