To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

And if my partner had offered to “help me into the nursing chair” after the first few days I would have bitten him

This!

I'm not sure if you're after a round of applause or lots of sage nodding about poor wimminz.

It made no sense for DH to be exhausted and perform poorly at work when we needed his income so I could stay at home and look after the baby.

If you're a full time parent then you do more parenting than the one who is also providing financially. It makes perfect sense for most people.

Oh and yes, for the record YABVU - not cool to judge other parenting styles

I am not sure what response the Op was expecting she basically was saying her set up her parenting was far superior to traditional parenting because she clearly loved and was more empathetic to her wife and needs than a dad could which of course is bullshit! All this after 4 weeks of parenting

My DH got up every night feed with our two. I'd go downstairs and make the bottle while he did the nappies and then we'd take turns at feeding. Whether he was at work or not.

You're generalising.

TheWinter, I don't think she actually meant to do that!

I know I could well be wrong and I admit I absolutely see why her post reads that way.

What I am saying is, I don't think it was necessary for replies to include lots of mockery about referring to a nursing chair, or telling her her baby isn't really hers.

There were lots of sensible replies in there but I think they may have been drowned out by the ones that just sound a bit mean.

I don't think she is wanting a medal, but I do think she's in quite a lonely position.

Btw, I'll also bite on the question of why both partners might wake up. I got up with my DP so I could go downstairs and make her a cup of tea while she fed the baby, and then we'd watch shite TV together if it was a long cluster feed. Ok, sure, I didn't need to do it and she could have had a bottle of water by her bed and that would have been fine. But I actually remember those night feeds as really lovely times for all of us. I would do some work while the baby fed, and sure, I am dead lucky that my work is such that I can do it flexibly.

At the time, I do remember being shocked and disgusted that a NCT friend's husband was not only not getting up to help her with night feeds, but had actually gone to the spare room because he 'needed his sleep'. She'd had a c-section, and her baby was large - she had been advised not to lift him. Looking back, I can see both sides a bit more, but at the time, I just felt very strongly that she wasn't being supported - because I was so worried about my own partner.

I do think this may be slightly gendered. Not that men don't worry or care or empathise (because they absolutely do). But a man isn't the focus of 'why didn't you carry the baby' questions. He won't ever have to answer for why, ultimately, it was his partner who was the one who got hacked open on the operating table or screamed her head off for 30 hours or whatever. So I do think there's a bit of overdrive guilt for female partners, and a bit of a feeling of needing to 'make up'.

You could just say that's silly, and ignore it - but what you're doing in the newborn stage isn't just about practicality, is it? It's emotional too.

Wow, a lot of bitchiness on here. Sad.

I remember the dark days of night feeds and nappy changes and honestly? The few times my partner did get up with me we wound up snapping at each other. I’m not a morning person so being woken doesn’t sit well with me, I’d rather just deal with the baby myself no fuss. Does your wife defintley want you fussing?
What does your wife do if you do everything and work? Sounds a tad unfair on you tbh, I wouldn’t be happy with that.

My dp (Hetero) helps but starts work very early AM and can’t be tired for work as he’s on his feet til 5pm, when I start work and he has to put the kids to bed. I’ve been poorly for 2 weeks and have done absolutely fuck all and my house is still nice and my kids are still alive so he must have been doing something

She meant to do exactly that, its not something that happens by accident.
It's one of the most judgemental and irritatingly so posts I've seen here in a long time. I cannot understand the mentality of someone who has been a parent for a whole 4 weeks and from a couple of anecdotes about getting up in the night from friends she thinks its ok to tell everyone else how wrong they are, how disappointing to feminism, and in the 19 fucking 50's.

I'm going to be charitable and put it down to a lack of sleep and a vanishing of common sense and good manners, and hope that OP returns with a grovelling apology.

‘I’m not trying to be sanctimonious ‘ said the OP. Totally was, though. And ridiculous - what is the point of flapping around the mother, helping her into a chair, both of you having no sleep . Stop trying impress everyone with your superior non- traditional roles when the truth is every couple works out how they deal with the shock of a new baby in their own way.

I last had a newborn 21 years ago my dc father did lots of parenting even night feeding a lazy parent is a lazy parent, but declaring all the hetrosexual parents the op knows are unequal and inferior is smug and will get on peoples nerves. Imo posters on this thread are not projecting or over sensitive they are irritated!

Love the replies. You're 4 weeks in OP soon enough the competitive tiredness debates will creep in.

I remember my husband asking if I needed anything when our first was a newborn and woke at night. Quite frankly I wanted to kill him and very quickly told him I wanted to breastfeed in half asleep silence, I do not require another person to help me change a nappy, kindly piss off.

It's great if your wife wants all this fuss but maybe go with what she wants and needs. I wanted my DH to check I hadn't fallen asleep with baby on my chest and to bring me a drink when he went to sleep. Surely it's more about respecting what each other need and want and being supportive like that then trying to be equal.

I'm going to be charitable and put it down to a lack of sleep and a vanishing of common sense and good manners, and hope that OP returns with a grovelling apology.

You think she owes a 'grovelling apology' to people including a poster who told her point blank that this baby isn't really hers?

Are you kidding me?

Yes, it's not the only response, but you can bloody bet it'll be one that stung.

If you want to side with people who make a new mum feel shite for her sexuality, feel free. Otherwise, maybe think why she comes across as she does. You feel judged? Gee, I wonder if she does too!

YANBU

I note how often the man can't get up to do the night feeds supposedly because the woman's BFing. My midwife was surprised I was still BFing at 3 months because so few women in the UK keep it up past 1 month. The woman might start off BFing, and then when she stops after a few weeks, the pattern has already been set.

It's also surprising how often the husband's job is too important to risk sleep deprivation, but the woman has to carry on doing night wake-ups after mat leave.

Similarly how men can never be the one to go PT because their job isn't flexible/suitable, or they're self-employed. I laugh at how often the self-employment is used to justify the man not staying home (or being flexible around school hours), but similarly there are threads where the woman has gone PT "because I was self-employed, and therefore able to have the flexibility to do that", or "because I was self-employed and we didn't want to risk/compromise the salaried job".

Yeh that's cos someone (usually the man) goes to work to pay the bills!!

i can just imagine my response if Dh had offered to "help me into my chair" and faffed around me when i was tired. I would have bitten his head off and told him to f off back to bed. although tired, i loved the night feeds as it was peaceful time spend cuddling my baby. i didnt need (or want) his help. During the evenings when he got in from work he cleaned, cooked, let me sleep while he looked after the DC etc. However I didnt need his help at night and wouldnt have wanted him tired and cranky when he got in from work because then i couldnt dump the kids on him and buggar off to the bath to watch housewives of wherever

Sisgal OP isn’t a “mum” she is a mum. Would you refer to my SIL who adopted children as a “mum” just because she didn’t give birth to them?

@Taylor22
I read your reply incorrectly : wrongly imagining your partner hoovering around you while you're doing a night feed

Yes I would

LannieDuck, absolutely!

In the 'sick days' post a few days ago, some women were saying that they did the sick days cot their kids because they were a teacher and they could, but equally women whose partners were teachers were saying that was the reason their partner couldn't do the sick days. Either way, somehow a lot of men seem to be excused.

Breastfeeding is different because only the woman can do it, but if bottle feeding (or changing to bottle feeding), or combi feeding, both can, and in my view, should do the feeds. Having protected blocks of sleep for both parents should stop either being exhausted.

If you want to side with people who make a new mum feel shite for her sexuality, feel free. Otherwise, maybe think why she comes across as she does. You feel judged? Gee, I wonder if she does too

Didn't see that post and its none of my business. But you know, she started it, you can't tell everyone else how shit they are and think yourself immune to getting anything back. If she feels shite for being judged, its because she judged everyone else. So yes, she should apologise for doing so.

@sisgal you’ll be destroyed for the comment saying that OP isn’t a mum... but many would agree. Adoption is very different from just... being there when another woman has a baby with someone else.

What a lot of fuss over the phrase 'helping her into a chair'.

I had a c-section with complications with DD2, and could barely get out of bed weeks later (just about by rolling on my side, but it was v painful). Much easier with help.

My DH certainly helped me up stairs, up from chairs etc. It didn't make him sanctimonious. It made him a husband who didn't want me to be in pain if he could help instead.

I don't know if OP's partner had something similar. But why not give the benefit of the doubt instead of tearing her to shreds over it, esp when it's such a tiny part of her post?