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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Terminating an unplanned pregnancy

83 replies

Nowheretoturn107 · 03/09/2018 17:55

NC for this.

Please don’t flame me for this. I’m not judging anyone for their decisions, I am in absolute bits and have no one to talk to in real life. I’m sorry if this is a sensitive subject for many.

I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant. I have a 9 month old DD. This pregnancy was not planned - we are using contraception and I am BF so my periods haven’t returned yet - and my DH and I are in a mix of shock, despair and confusion over whether to continue the pregnancy. Our DD is an awful sleeper and up all hours, I’m breastfeeding her day and night, she is a fairly high needs baby, I look at her on the monitor as I type this and I’m not ready for her to share me with a sibling yet. She seems to tiny and vulnerable, how could I be so silly to get pregnant when I have such a young baby to care for. How would we cope? Financially we would just about manage with a second but I’d be ruining my career, and potentially my close bond with DD.

We had planned more children in the future, we always said we’d discuss it when our DD turned 2, so AIBU to terminate a pregnancy because it hasn’t come at the right time? Is it U that I want to enjoy my DD on her own for a couple of years before adding to our family? I’m not a bad or selfish person, please don’t think that of me. I’m just desperate for advice. Thank you.

OP posts:

measureformeasure · 03/09/2018 18:00

Couldn’t read and run. I can hear your distress though your message. No one can tell you what to do, it’s such a personal decision for you. Don’t feel pushed to make a quick decision though. Take your time to think things though, as things could look so different with you DD nine months from now. Most likely she’ll be mobile, fully weaned and sleeping bettter than she is now. Best wishes

DelilahandDaisy · 03/09/2018 18:03

You are not unreasonable to terminate a pregnancy for any reason. It is your body and your choice.

holidaycountdown54321 · 03/09/2018 18:20

This happened to me when my dd was also 9 months. It happened sooner than planned, I was still breastfeeding and our dd was hard work. Once the initial shock had subsided and we realised it's happened maybe 6 months than we would have even considered another we embraced it. It did hurt my career a little with 2 maternity leaves in such a short space and it was pretty awkward sorting out going back and dropping into conversation I was 3 months pregnant and will be disappearing again in 5 months time, but hey! We absolutely love our 2 kids and our age gap. We'd never have chosen it but it's all worked out. They are now 12 months and 2 1/2.

I don't feel like I missed out on anything with our first child, the only thing that upset me was having to stop the eldest from jumping on my bump, she didn't understand and I couldn't lift her into her cot towards the end, so my husband did bedtimes. That has stayed the same to this day. She's a real daddy's girl and I do think this is partly to do with it.

It's obviously up to you and only you know your personal circumstances, but take time to let it sink in. Once I got over the shock and worked out the logistics with work I was thrilled. I'm sat here watching our kids play together and it makes my heart burst! Cheesy but true! Good luck xx

Twotailed · 03/09/2018 18:22

You aren’t stupid - these things happen. Please don’t blame yourself.

You don’t need to justify having a termination - the only reason you need is that you don’t want to be pregnant any more.

I hope you’re ok

Aprilsinparis · 03/09/2018 18:41

Nobody has the right to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. Only you know how you feel, and whether you could cope emotionally and physically with another baby. You don't need to justify whatever decision you make. You take care.

MoseShrute · 03/09/2018 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catgirl1976 · 03/09/2018 18:47

YANBU. It's your body and your choice.

FruitCider · 03/09/2018 18:48

Your body - your choice - your life.

The only reason you need for having a termination is that you want to have a termination.

scuttlemama · 03/09/2018 18:49

When our DC was 6 months old we found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t planned at all and after the toughest few weeks of my life I had a termination.

It’s changed my life forever and not a day goes by that I don’t think about it and beat myself up for not being stronger mentally. I often see siblings close in age and it really gets me. BUT I know at the time (and that bits important) it was the right reason and I always remind myself when asked how I felt after by my husband, I said relieved.

It’s a life changing decision whatever you decide to do, so I’d genuinely recommended some counselling before you make any decisions. BPAS would be a good place to start.

Sending you a massive hug

Hidillyho · 03/09/2018 18:50

Your body your choice.

FWIW, I think I probably would have found it easier to have a smaller gap than waiting 2yrs. LO is a pretty good child but I am struggling with terrible 2s to even think of another

Cornettoninja · 03/09/2018 18:51

I really believe that your first reaction is likely the best course of action for you.

Obviously it’s a massive decision that deserves careful consideration but ultimately you have to choose what’s best for you. If your fears can be properly addressed and soothed then great but don’t let yourself be swayed into anything you’re not 99% happy with - I don’t think there’s any outcome you’re likely to be 100% about,

I had a termination many years ago. It’s a sad memory but even now I can 100% say that practically speaking it was not even remotely the best time. I’m sure it would’ve worked out, like most things do, but I would advise my younger self to do exactly the same now.

Sending you strength

CardsforKittens · 03/09/2018 18:52

I agree with others: it's your body and your decision. Unplanned pregnancy is a huge shock (I remember my own very clearly) and if your baby is high needs it's totally understandable that you're not ready for another child yet.

BunsOfAnarchy · 03/09/2018 18:53

YANBU
Termination is not about what is right or wrong or even about being unreasonable not.
Its about doing what feels right at the time. If it feels right to terminate now, given how you feel about the situation then do so.x

TwoBlueFish · 03/09/2018 18:56

Completely your choice, only you and your DH can decide if it’s right for you.

I have 2 that are 17 months apart (so pregnant when DS1 was 8 months old). Ours was planned as I really wanted a small age gap. They were in sync with naps, childcare interests, etc so actually made things easier I think than having a bigger gap. I can’t lie though it was hard work.

EggMayonnaise · 03/09/2018 18:56

No judgement, you have to do what's right for you and your family.

We all feel differently but I have a two year gap between mine. If I could do anything differently I would have had them closer together!

AveABanana · 03/09/2018 18:58

As a mother of older children I would say timing doesn't matter, in fact the positives of getting through stages of various equipment/needs/childcare etc as quickly as possible outweighs many negatives. However I've also had 3 kids under 3.5 and there are vast periods I just cannot remember because I was so tired and so many things I could have done better. But - whatever. It's your body and it's your choice and you are the only one who can make the decision.

theymademejoin · 03/09/2018 18:58

While I fully agree with pp's that it's your body, your choice, you need to be sure that it is actually your choice. What I mean by that is, as well as considering how a pregnancy and another child would affect you, also consider how am abortion would affect you.

If you truly feel that you do not want another child now, then termination is possibly the correct decision. However, if you're unsure, it may be wrong decision for you.

Can you ask your GP to refer you for non directive counselling to help you think it through and ensure that you make the right decision for you?

TeddyIsaHe · 03/09/2018 19:00

You're not unreasonable in the slightest. There is no shame in not wanting to keep a pregnancy, even if you already have kids. I know if I got pregnant when dd was younger there is no way I would have the strength/sanity to have another baby.

No one here can tell you what to do, that has to come from you. But we can offer support and a listening ear if needs be. Be kind to yourself

Winkybum · 03/09/2018 19:01

MaryH90 · 03/09/2018 19:06

Bare in mind that your DD will be vastly different by the time the new baby would be due. My DD is 14 months and she is leaps and bounds further than she was than at 9 months, she’s walking, understanding some speech/instructions, saying a few words herself and quickly starting to gain an understanding of the world around her. I feel much less like she is the vulnerable little baby she was. I can’t even imagine how much further on she will be in another four months! I’m sure your DD would surprise you with how capable she would be at that age too

Babydusst · 03/09/2018 19:09

I'm in a similar position as you.

I have a very young DD and have just found out I'm 8 weeks pregnant, unplanned contraception failure.

I did consider a termination but knew deep down I wanted this baby. Knowing myself how I do, I know Id struggle to deal with the feelings afterwards. I'm not very strong!

I quite like the idea of having two close in age, growing up together and sharing memories. It will be difficult no doubt but they say having two close in age is easier in a way.

I've changed my mind in our case and we're keeping the baby BUT if I felt termination was right for me then I'd have absolutely gone through with it. Everybody is different.

It takes a very brave person to make and follow through with such a big decision. Please don't feel guilty for doing what's right for you. Sending you strength

Gottagetmoving · 03/09/2018 19:15

Do what is right for you!
My friend was in exactly the same position years ago. She could not have coped with another pregnancy so soon and she went for the termination.
She sometimes regrets her decision and feels guilty but realistically she knows it was right at that time in her life.
It's an awful dilemma for anyone but don't let anyone make you feel bad.

Elementtree · 03/09/2018 19:21

Yanbu, I would terminate if I felt another baby would tip the balance between my family coping and not coping.

speedyhedgehog · 03/09/2018 19:26

It has to be your choice. I found I was pregnant with our second when our first was six months. I was still breastfeeding and hadn't had a period. Eldest just turned 16, second will be 15 soon. 14 months apart. They are still very close. Yes hard at times. Can't imagine either decision will be easy though. I would give yourself a little time because it's such a shock at first. I remember worrying if I would ever love the second as much as the first. It just didn't seem possible. Turns out you just do for each and every one you have. Take care of yourself, neither choice is right or wrong you just have to make the best decision you can for this time in your life.

Frazzled2207 · 03/09/2018 19:29

Yanbu at all.

I have been in a similar situation though it was 11 months not 9. Anyway we didn't think we'd be lucky enough to have a second (took years to conceive dc1 in my late 30s) so went ahead with the pregnancy . I was in serious shock for a couple of weeks but then slowly got my head round it.

I would say that there is a massive difference between having a 9 month old and an 18 months old- they do grow up so much in that time.
The first year or so with two was bloody hard going. I don't really remember it tbh. But they are 3 and a bit and 5 now and I wouldn't change anything at all, even though it basically destroyed my career. So if you do go ahead with the pregnancy, it will be ok. A friend actually had two girls 13 months apart - they're 2 and 3 now and their parents survived it all pretty well.

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