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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Terminating an unplanned pregnancy

83 replies

Nowheretoturn107 · 03/09/2018 17:55

NC for this.

Please don’t flame me for this. I’m not judging anyone for their decisions, I am in absolute bits and have no one to talk to in real life. I’m sorry if this is a sensitive subject for many.

I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant. I have a 9 month old DD. This pregnancy was not planned - we are using contraception and I am BF so my periods haven’t returned yet - and my DH and I are in a mix of shock, despair and confusion over whether to continue the pregnancy. Our DD is an awful sleeper and up all hours, I’m breastfeeding her day and night, she is a fairly high needs baby, I look at her on the monitor as I type this and I’m not ready for her to share me with a sibling yet. She seems to tiny and vulnerable, how could I be so silly to get pregnant when I have such a young baby to care for. How would we cope? Financially we would just about manage with a second but I’d be ruining my career, and potentially my close bond with DD.

We had planned more children in the future, we always said we’d discuss it when our DD turned 2, so AIBU to terminate a pregnancy because it hasn’t come at the right time? Is it U that I want to enjoy my DD on her own for a couple of years before adding to our family? I’m not a bad or selfish person, please don’t think that of me. I’m just desperate for advice. Thank you.

OP posts:
Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 04/09/2018 13:01

Whilst it is your body and your choice, I would think long and hard about whether you may regret a termination. I too had an unplanned pregnancy which came at a terrible time. It’s my third child and we were just coming out of the ‘baby days’ as my youngest was turning 3. I had just had a promotion and bought a new small car. I thought about a termination but couldn’t go through with it in the end. I look at my 10 day old little boys face now and thank god I didn’t abort.

loubluee · 04/09/2018 13:02

I fell pregnant when dc was 9 weeks old, I was breast feeding and on the mini pill. I had also just started university. We had a termination because it was the best decision for us. I won’t lie, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my baby. But if I had gone through with the pregnancy it would have broken us. You have to do what is right for you x

GoatWithACoat · 04/09/2018 13:11

I totally understand your worry. We went through something similar except I knew I didn’t want anymore children but had absolutely no choice as I found out at 20 weeks and they told me the sex of the baby the day I found out I was that far gone! And it was on the sodding depo shot which is meant to be so effective plus it caused bleeding that I mistook for periods, masking the pregnancy. Hmm

Like others have said, nobody but you can make that choice. But what I will say is that whatever direction you choose you need to feel that you can make peace with it, whatever that may be. And you will. As long as you let the panic subside and have some time on your own to think without the voices of people around you.

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 04/09/2018 13:41

I’ll also add that although you’re feeling guilty for your existing DD, I can honestly say that having a sibling was the best thing we ever did for our first daughter. They are 23months apart and are so close.

Allthewaves · 04/09/2018 14:13

I wouldn't terminate if your wanting more children. It's bit earlier than planned but that's life at times

Sleepyslops · 04/09/2018 14:24

I had a termination when my DD was 12 weeks old - I was 6 weeks pregnant. We thought that it was too soon to have another child, but with hindsight I don't think it was the right decision. It broke me, I was a mess and we decided to have another child sooner as a result... so I got pregnant again a few months later and now have 16 months between my children.

I still suffer with MH problems and my DH believes I have not been "myself" since the termination. I can't even talk to him about it. I went to a counsellor and couldn't talk to them either.

Frogletmamma · 04/09/2018 18:41

Speaking personally I would have the child. He/She will be around the same age as your child and will be buddies. Who is to say if you will get perfectly pregnant when you want to anyway, This is just my pov and honestly its your call.

FlipnTwist · 04/09/2018 19:04

Is it U that I want to enjoy my DD on her own for a couple of years before adding to our family? I’m not a bad or selfish person, please don’t think that of me.

Hmm but it is not just 'your body' in the way an appendix or a tooth is.The foetus is a separate person.Your child with its own genes, its own latent personality, with its own natural talents, its looks and personality traits already determined. There will never be another person like this child of yours. I personally cannot balance that against wanting to enjoy your DD on her own for a bit .It seems selfish to me.

Childrenofthestones · 04/09/2018 19:16

To be honest I I have always been completely pro choice and even thought it was the mother's choice pretty much no matter how late on.
That was before our first daughter was born and I held her in my arms.
Now I don't understand how any parent that already has a child could terminate their unborn child because essentially it was an inconvenience at that time, especially if they can easily afford it and there is no medical reason for the termination.

Just my opinion.

JupiterBelle · 04/09/2018 19:21

I was in the same position but terminating never crossed my mind. My older child loves his sister and although financially it’s shit right now, in the long run I’m actually really glad I’ve got a short gap between them!

However that’s my story and if you want to terminate then that’s completely up to you! No one should judge you for making what you feel is the best option for your family. Just be positive that it’s what you really want as whatever decision you make you have to live with forever.

underneaththeash · 04/09/2018 19:29

Well I wouldn't because it's your child and your eldest child's sibling, its just not come at quite the right time....but it will be fine.

thefruit · 04/09/2018 21:56

I was in your position six years ago. Found out day after DD1's first birthday that I was five weeks pregnant. I was devastated. Found DD1 really hard (she was an awful sleeper) and was so relieved to be back at work. Didn't think DP and I would survive doing it all over again so soon.

I terminated at 9 weeks. I can honestly say it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Have never regretted it. Was prepared for massive guilt - felt nothing other than relief and a quiet sorrow that I couldn't have that baby. I am still sure it was the right thing for me and my family. Am lucky enough that I now have DD2, who is wonderful, but I still got PND with her. If you think your mental health will suffer, that is a big consideration to take into account.

As everyone says, it is your decision and only you can know what's right for you and your family. But I wanted to say it's possible to terminate and to be happy with your decision.

A couple of things to think about: (1) do you have support? It makes the world of difference (I had none). (2) What does your OH think? My DP wanted to continue the pregnancy but respected my decision and it hasn't been an issue for us. It's your choice, but it's an easier one if you trust that your OH supports it.

I talked to BPAS. They were brilliant and not at all directional.

Good luck with your decision. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk further.

Original poster
Nowheretoturn107 · 05/09/2018 09:44

Hi everyone, thanks for the continued comments discussing both options. I understand why some think I am selfish. I disagree but respect those opinions.

I have booked a counselling session through BPAS for next Thursday. If after that session I decide to terminate it can be done on the same day. My DH and I still have a lot of soul searching to do in this time but I’m relieved to have something tangible to work towards.

My feelings regarding the pregnancy haven’t changed; I don’t feel “attached”, I just feel very sad and kind of like I’m grieving.

Once again I’m very sorry if my posts come across as insensitive specially to those going through TTC issues.

May update this thread in the future x

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 05/09/2018 10:11

Flowers nowhere.

I imagine you don’t feel it but you sound like you’re being sensible and considered.

There really is no right or wrong way only the best choice you can make at this point in time. I hope everything works out for you and whatever your decision you make your peace with it.

MimiSunshine · 05/09/2018 13:40

Good luck OP with whatever the future may hold.

Just to say though that others TTC struggles don’t mean you should continue a pregnancy that you don’t want. So please don’t feel guilty about your decision if you decide to terminate.

newmummy0094 · 05/09/2018 18:06

@Nowheretoturn107
Hello
When I fell pregnant with my baby I didn't know weather to terminate or not. I am completely pro choice but when I was trying to decide someone said this to me and it made up my mind.
*
Nobody ever regrets keeping the baby but a lot of people regret not doing.
*
I think they were right.

Cornettoninja · 05/09/2018 18:12

I’m pleased that you felt you had good advice newmummy But that’s not a completely true statement. There are a significant number of women who would do things differently given their time again.

Just because people aren’t as forthcoming with those anecdotes doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

newmummy0094 · 05/09/2018 19:34

@Cornettoninja
I think the only people who regret having their children have got some sort of mental illness like PND.

Disabrie22 · 05/09/2018 19:56

Sending sympathy - it must be a shock for you and you must be exhausted with a young baby.
It’s totally your choice - do what’s right for you xxxx

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 05/09/2018 20:03

I think the only people who regret having their children have got some sort of mental illness like PND

please FOTTFSOFATFOSM

The foetus is a separate person.Your child with its own genes, its own latent personality, with its own natural talents, its looks and personality traits already determined

you too

Cornettoninja · 05/09/2018 20:12

I think the only people who regret having their children have got some sort of mental illness like PND

But they exist - we’re agreed on that then.

newmummy0094 · 05/09/2018 20:13

@SpitefulMidLifeAnimal
So you think people regret having children??

newmummy0094 · 05/09/2018 20:16

@Cornettoninja
I agree that a few people regret having kids.
How many people do though??

gamerchick · 05/09/2018 20:22

Nobody ever regrets keeping the baby but a lot of people regret not doing.

Speak for yourself, I would go back and not have kids if I could and believe me I don't suffer with mental illness Hmm talk about patronising.

OP ignore the guilt trippers, they're talking out their arses. You don't need an excuse to terminate a pregnancy if you dont want to go through with it. Good luck in whatever you decide

Cornettoninja · 05/09/2018 20:22

How many doesn’t really matter does it?

In the context of this thread it’s an individuals circumstance and the point is any of the myriad of emotions and thoughts going through their head are valid and not to be dismissed with a glib remark portraying itself as fact.