Terminating an unplanned pregnancy

[Nowheretoturn107]

NC for this.

Please don’t flame me for this. I’m not judging anyone for their decisions, I am in absolute bits and have no one to talk to in real life. I’m sorry if this is a sensitive subject for many.

I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant. I have a 9 month old DD. This pregnancy was not planned - we are using contraception and I am BF so my periods haven’t returned yet - and my DH and I are in a mix of shock, despair and confusion over whether to continue the pregnancy. Our DD is an awful sleeper and up all hours, I’m breastfeeding her day and night, she is a fairly high needs baby, I look at her on the monitor as I type this and I’m not ready for her to share me with a sibling yet. She seems to tiny and vulnerable, how could I be so silly to get pregnant when I have such a young baby to care for. How would we cope? Financially we would just about manage with a second but I’d be ruining my career, and potentially my close bond with DD.

We had planned more children in the future, we always said we’d discuss it when our DD turned 2, so AIBU to terminate a pregnancy because it hasn’t come at the right time? Is it U that I want to enjoy my DD on her own for a couple of years before adding to our family? I’m not a bad or selfish person, please don’t think that of me. I’m just desperate for advice. Thank you.

Haven't read the replies.

I'm not judging what you do at all but if you hope for more children in the future as in your post, just consider how you think you would feel if you terminate and then find yourself unable to conceive when you want to.

I'm not saying it to be horrible. DH and I have been hoping for a second child for coming up around 3yrs now. We didn't want to have 2 very close together and used contraception for a year but have been unable to conceive since. We hoped for a 2 yr age gap

It’s your choice to make but as previous posters have said it is really nice having a small gap and looks a lot easier than those who waited longer and got the baby bit over with. Our gap is 19 months and at 5 and 3 1/2 it’s lovely as they like playing together, have over lapping friends etc.

She will be a very different child by the time she is 18 months.

Might not be relevant but you can breastfeed while pregnant and even breastfeed two babies of different ages.
Good luck deciding.

I'm going through similar OP. It's my first appt at the abortion clinic tomorrow and I'm such a mixed bag of feelings. I've been really emotional today but I'm 99% certain this is the right decision for me. My youngest (of 4) is 13 months and still doesn't sleep and a lot of the time just wants to be picked up and carried around. I can't get anything done and I don't have any time for myself. My husband is useless and lazy so it would be me bringing the baby up 99% of the time whilst his life carried on as usual.

Do what is right for YOU! X

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. You’re all very kind. DH and I have spent the last few hours talking, weighing up pros and cons, generally agonising. Whenever I look at DD I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I feel like another baby right now (aka 9 months time) isn’t what’s right for her. And I would do anything for her. We’re going to sleep on it and review how we feel tomorrow.

I will update this thread as and when I can.

@Iminagony this is playing on my mind a lot, I don’t take for granted how lucky we were to fall pregnant so easily both times and I worry about what if we weren’t so fortunate in the future. Wishing you all the luck with trying to conceive x

Can you access some counselling? In 9 months time your DD will be 18 months which is a pretty big difference to the baby she is now. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I agree with Iminagony. Lots of people think because they have had a baby it will be easy to conceive again in the future. It may not be. Remember your DC will be a lot bigger by the time DC2 would be born. You sound like a good mum in a good marriage. I’m sure you will cope with DC2. There can be many advantages to having them close together too. Imagine if you found out first time around you were expecting twins. You would have coped.

Iminagony. I hope it works out for you soon.

I think your gut instinct will be right.

However your 9 month old will be 18months (ish?) when your baby is due. That's a vast difference.

My DS was 7 months when I found out I was pregnant with my second. They are 16 months apart and it's actually been so much easier than I feared.

DS1 was a baby who couldn't even crawl, barely even sit up, and was waking up 4+ times a night (!) when I fell pregnant... When new baby arrived he was sleeping through the night perfectly, running around, saying a few words and understanding quite a lot. He gave the newborn cuddles and kisses and just loves his little brother.

I always wanted a 2 year age gap, but a 16 month gap seems to be lovely (there are times it's tough as hell, don't get me wrong!) right now.

I unstabdvyour feeling of just not being able to imagine a 2nd baby and all that one would take away from your 1st.

I felt like that for a very long time, slowly I have come out of it and that absolute “are you crazy, my baby is a helpless baby and needs me 100%” has melted away. It will do for you too.

A friend is in a similar situation to you and spoke to her GP who got her an early appointment with her midwife so they could talk through it, they’ve also given her access to counciling so she can work out what’s best for her (and her family).

I’d strongly recommend calling your GP surgery tomorrow morning, asking for an emergency / urgent appointment for later in the day and taking it from there.

As others have said, in 9mths time your DD will be twice as old as she is now, thinkif how much she’s already changed since birth to now, it’ll be the same again.

But Whatever you decide, good luck

I dont think I could cope with such a small age gap. Dsis had 2 DC one year apart and it was a struggle when they were young. The second was unplanned.

A double buggy...childcare costs... I think the older one was made to get out of baby mode quickly.

Tbh I felt sorry for her at the time. She was run ragged. It was crying in unison and 2 kids in nappies was exhausting. She was low on iron and became anaemic.

The older one is of to University this year and those days are long gone...but it was hard and she wouldn't do it again.

Sending good vibes to you OP. It’s a tough decision and it’s entirely up to you. I do feel for you as I know what it’s like when your baby isn’t a great sleeper - you really don’t want to add another one to the mix! We were so sleep deprived with our baby that another one would have broken us, and I’m fairly sure it would have broken our marriage. It’s tough. Our boy is 20 months now and we’re still knackered so would definitely struggle with a toddler and a baby.

It depends on the baby and the parents though! A friend of mine had a six month old when she found out she was pregnant again and she’s breezing through her second maternity leave with an 18-month old and the baby. Both her babies are really good sleepers though and generally chilled out (I’m so jealous!). As previous posters have said, do what’s right for you and your family.

You need to do what's best for you OP. But please don't worry about your daughter, she will be fine wither way. She wouldn't remember a time without a sibling and wouldn't resent sharing you. She would be walking, talking etc by then. That's not to say you should go through with it, I'm sure a small age gap would be very hard. People I know that have had small age gaps say it's harder at the beginning with two demanding children but then easier later on as have the same interests, can go to the same activities etc and have a playmate. See what you think once the shock has worn off

I so feel for you OP. I've been there, and I terminated. Although even now I'd say I would have struggled with a other baby at the time and I remain completely pro-choice, it was definitely the most awful experience of my life and not a day has gone by when I don't think about it. Obviously it depends on how far on you are, I had one at 10 weeks and it will haunt me forever... though it felt like it was right for my DD at the time. I'm not trying to put you off, I'd just wish I'd have researched more before going through with it as I was completely unprepared for the level of trauma I went through.

The decision is completely yours and never let anyone make you feel bad for whatever you choose. This is your body and your choice to make entirely. So sorry you have this horrible decision to make

I’m not sure how pregnant you are and what the gap would be, but I have a 12 month gap and 18 month gap. These were fantastic. Much better than 3.5 years (for me) the children were babies together but not exactly the same stage. The second was a much better sleeper than the first, so I was still dealing with the first in the night when the second was sleeping through. They are very close and always have been, nursery/preschool and school. It depends on your circumstances but I would take a small gap over any other.
On the other hand if you don’t want to have another baby, then a termination is straightforward and simple. If it’s early enough it’s not even surgical.
The fact that you are asking here suggests that you are very unsure.
Good luck. I had a termination and it was not right for me.

My personal experience was not straightforward and simple, but I'm sure every experience is different. Good luck, OP

I couldn't read and run. Briefly- this happened to me when my DS was 4 months old. We decided to terminate for pretty much the same reasons you are deliberating, and I don't regret it at all. When I do think about it, I see it in a positive light as it was right for our family. I also have a gorgeous DD too now, who wouldn't be here otherwise. What I'm trying to say is, if you do make that decision, it isn't necessarily going to haunt you for the rest of your life.
Good luck OP and sending hugs xx

Completely agree with above posters: your body, your choice, and you don't owe children to anybody. Do it when you and your partner are ready, not when it "just happens" for parenthood is just too responsible a job to enter into accidentally, as you already know yourself.

Hope you'll have good compassionate doctors. If anybody (nurse etc) gives you shit, as women having a termination occasionally report, don't take it. You are not doing anything criminal and deserve respect and care. x

Your body, your choice. 100%.
I was in a very similar situation and we went ahead with the pregnancy. Mine are now 4 and 3 and don’t regret that decision at all, they’re very close and it’s lovely having them so close together. The first 6 months, however, were bloody hard.
On the other side of the coin I have also terminated a pregnancy, which I also have zero regrets about. Having the child would have been detrimental to my mental health and would have adversely affected the entire family. Only you can make that decision.

in your situation I would not feel guilty and terminate. Be kind to yourself.

FWIW, when I was pregnant with my second (wanted and planned, with a 2.4 year age gap) I had very similar feelings to you re the impact on my ds1 and our bond. I think it's par for the course. (All was of course fine in the end - and you don't have to stop bf - I fed ds1 through the pregnancy and tandem fed for to years thereafter!). That said, for various very good reasons such a small age gap as you are contemplating would very much not have been what I wanted. There are the vagaries of fertility to consider - as someone who has had six miscarriages, I'd be reluctant to assume the reproducibility of a pregnancy at any particular time. But again, there is nothing whatsoever wrong with deciding that right now, this is not something you feel able to cope with - and you are important in this, it doesn't have to be about your dd or your family as a whole, you can also take this decision based on the strain on you. If I were in your position, I think I would take a (very) deep breath and go ahead. But I am not. Only you can make that assessment for yourself, preferably with someone impartial to talk it through to. There is (or should be) no shame or guilt or judgement in termination. i hope you are able to come to the right decision for you.

oh ffs. tandem fed for two years.

I want to put the other side to the PPs who say a termination was the worst experience of their lives and they never got over it.

I had an accidental pregnancy 30 years ago. I felt like I was walking into a trap and the walls were closing in. I had a termination. Do I regret it? I regret the need for it, but it was absolutely the right decision and I have never, for one moment, felt otherwise. I did have another baby, several years later when the time was right.

So, OP, do what you feel is right and don't assume that you'll regret whatever decision you make.

Hi OP. I have 15,13 and 12 year old now. It is great that they are close together although I won't pretend it was not very hard work for the first few years. FWIW, I think babies find it easier to cope with a sibling than an older toddler who really has got used to having one to one attention so do not let that affect your decision. Maybe ask yourself how you would feel if you did not fall pregnant again. I personally think there needs to be a better reason than ' inconvenient at this moment's to justify a termination but that will not be a popular view on MN

No woman is ever wrong for wanting a termination for any reason. They’re available to all women (and girls) of any age to access whenever required for a reason. Don’t feel ashamed of this, contraception failures happen every day and it’s definitely not your fault. If this is the best decision for your family then you should 100% do it .

If your daughter ends up with a sibling 1.5 years younger than her, why would she reproach you? She will not know any different. It's not a particularly small gap; many people have had much smaller.

If you do not choose to end this pregnancy, you (if all goes well) will be looking at a new baby on your monitor in 9 months time. If you abort, you won't be.

No-one can tell you how you will feel after having an abortion. It is a completely unquantifiable risk, and will play out differently for each individual. Having this baby, whilst it may be difficult short-term, is more of a 'known' risk, I think, because you've already had one, and have a fair idea of what to expect. With an abortion, there's no way of knowing how long, and to what degree, that experience will affect you.