AIBU to ask new husband to contribute to child related costs for children that are not his?

[Clockworkteacup]

Just that really. Married last year. Four children now aged 8, 9, 11, 13 from first marriage. Ex husband pays too little maintenance - £100 per month as is self employed.

For context, we both earn good money, although he earns very good money at 50% more than me. I was able to support the children without him before with no tax credits etc but it was a struggle as was paying out a lot of childcare and big mortgage. But I was fortunate to be able to own our own home, pay the bills etc, even though not much left over. This isn't about being 'poor' and I recognise how lucky I am to be able to rely just on my own income.

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills?

At the moment I am paying for half of what 'we' cost and all of what the children cost. So I pay around two thirds of our house related outgoings e.g. mortgage etc as need a house for five. I also then pay for all childcare (at £800 a month), all their clothes uniform, their lunches, trips, birthday presents and so on. He does split big costs like holidays and meals out 50-50.

This means I am ending up watching the pennies at the end of the month whilst he has around £2500 more than me after house stuff is paid. He drives a new car whilst I drive one that is 12 years old. I was triggered to write this by him complaining about not being able to afford something very expensive (and nice but certainly not a necessary cost) whilst I am worrying this month about the bills.

But they are not his children.

And their father evades paying much for them.

And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs (mortgage, utilities, council tax).

Backstory - I have major money issues through paying for everything for cocklodger ex husband and have a father who didn't work, and a brother who seems to live off high earning women so am skewed (and anxious) around men and money.

If you have a joint mortgage then you both have an equal share in the value of the house. Why should you pay more than half towards the mortgage?

I think you need to make sure your will is in order so that in the event of your death then your children will inherit. Otherwise all your money will go to your husband and your kids will be out on the street trying to get some support from their skinflint biological father.

Does he actually see you all (kids included) as one big family unit? Or does he see the kids as nothing to do with him?

This is obviously something you should have sorted out before you got married, but what's done is done and better to have the conversation late rather than not at all.

And you DO need to have the conversation. Ask him if he considers the children as part of your unit and if the answer is yes then talk about how much you each contribute to the family unit. If he seems reluctant, maybe point out that he has saved by moving in with you!

Interesting - the responses just confirm my on the fence-ness. Could be reasonable or unreasonable either way.

As for not discussing before marriage - our main reason for getting married was essentially to protect each other in death (with a will regarding children inheriting etc - see I've sorted that bit, sigh). If I die he gets to remain in the house until his death but it will pass to my children. Insurance policies split between him and kids. If he dies, I get everything that is his.

I recognise I'm useless for not discussing before marriage but I came to the marriage from a different place. My ex was financially abusive, hardly earning much and spending all of my money. My father did the same to my mother. My brother I can see doing to his current partner. I was just amazed at him contributing at all without also having mountains of debt. Yes that written down looks ridiculous but understandable in context.

I have been left with a determination to always be able to support myself - so even asking my husband to contribute feels INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. Yes I am having counselling.

It's just the conversation where he is miserable about not being able to afford something I could never begin to imagine buying that has triggered this.

Food - I pay 75% ish again.
Activities - we pretty much split

He takes responsibility for the children looking after them if I ask him to (but I am default unless asked).

He gives me £500 a month which is half of what he used to spend on rent / council tax etc. So we both are 50% better off.

But... keep coming back to the but ... he does not have children. Why should be pay for them.

You've kindly let him join your family, of which he could get many benefits that are not monetary based- can't put a price on a family can you?
It's ridiculous that he's got so much left and you are struggling - doesn't strike me as much of a partnership.
Are you getting 2/3 of the value of the house when you sell?

I think that if he married you he agreed to live in a partnership with you and everything that brings. At the very very least you keep paying the childcare costs all other bills should be split down the middle.

But I agree with pp surely after the wedding is a bit late to discuss this

No they arnt his but what kind of partner watches you struggle for pennies whilst rolling in cash? Thats awful.

You are married. All money earned is family money. I'll never understand people who have 'my money and his money' by the time you get married. You're either teammates or you aren't.

For context, me and my DP aren't even married (yet!) and we still pool our money, including paying maintenance for his DD and all costs when we have her each weekend. She is his DD but now (almost) my DSD, I got into the relationship knowing I would eventually share responsibility for her + that means financially too. I would never let DP pay for everything for her and have very little left each month while I was left with £2500

It's really tricky OP. It's not his fault their dad doesn't contribute (I know it's not your fault either, but it's even less his fault iyswim) but the financial imbalance between the two of you doesn't seem fair.

I think you need to talk to him. I agree with previous posters that maybe he should be contributing more to the house and bills rather than paying for your DC as such.

You should have discussed this before you married.

My husband took on my kids as his own, including costs. My ex pays nothing in child support. If the kids were going to be totally my responsibility then we wouldn't have married and just stayed as we were. We don't have shared finances either but pay a preportion of what we earn as he's a higher earner.

You need to have a conversation with your husband that's long overdue. You're either a package or you're not.

YANBU. I'm a non-resident step-parent and I contribute to costs relating to the SKs and have done since day 1. There wasn't a conversation about it, it just sort of happened. My view is that we're all part of 1 family, for me is seems a bit exclusive for him to not be contributing, like he wants to look after you and him but not them? I don't know, it just wouldn't feel right for me to do what he's doing at all.

*Proportion

What benefit do you get from this marriage OP? He gets to increase his disposable income by 50%, have someone (I'm presuming) do all the 'wifework' for him and live in your house until he dies if you are hit by a bus tomorrow.

You are married - what's his is yours. He needs to stop being so stingy and put his hand in his (very deep) pockets!

OP I find this a bit shocking in the same situation. With my ex I was a step mother and paid 50/50 for the household - thats what families do, but they were EOW etc, so not too much. I married earlier this year, with one DD, and a similar financial setup to you - we are very much comfortable, but DH earns about 50% more than I do. I earned too much to claim tax credits etc pre marriage, and I own our home, technically, although obviously being married affects that.

We did discuss this, a lot, pre marriage, as I was worried it was taking the piss to get him to pay, even though useless ex is also a minimal contributor. DH would have none of it. Our finances are as a family. He is aware that when I go on mat leave in a couple of months he will be paying for everything pretty much, but would be horrified at having loads more disposable income than me each month. He whacks over a percentage of his to even us up after bills, so I am quite a lot better off, and he is still more than comfortable and in a situation where we will be buying a much larger house with my equity than he could have done alone. Swings and roundabouts really but also a desire to be equals. We are also in agreement that our estate be left equally to both children, mine and our coming baby, and we split leisure costs / gifts too. Of course, I chose to have a child when he didnt, but as he says, he chose to marry a woman with a child, not a childless one, same difference - we all live together, spend lots of time as a family, marrying me was never a single person deal, so there it is.

OP what would happen if you were ill and couldn't work? Would he see you and the children go without? Would he risk losing his nice home and the equity he is gaining by you paying 2/3s? As a husband, will he have your back, hug you and tell you to stop worrying, or will he carry on looking at lovely purchases? Because if he earns that much, you won't be entitled to help.

I think how you own the house makes a big difference here. Is it yours and your children get it when you die or is it half each or has he ringfenced a third and a right to live there. You really need this clear.

What is he saving all that money for if not to spend on his family? You spend your money on the family, he spends his money on himself. That's not an equal partnership, let alone a marriage.

OK, so you can take the view that they're not his kids, why should he pay. But as a loving partner to you, he can see that by paying everything for your kids you have huge financial responsibility. And a significantly lower salary than him. When he can see his life partner struggling, surely he should step up in other areas, for instance by paying a greater share towards, food holidays etc.

The thing about him only have a life interest in the house does complicate things though. Is the house really just your house, in your name? I presume you are not likely to have a child together?

Is the mortgage in both your names? If so, he should be paying half imo. I don't think you needed to get married to sort out how the house would be split, etc tbh.

You are now a family. You are married and are both entitled to half of everything. You should both pay into a joint account for everything including the children.
You are a permanent family unit now he knew you had dc when you got married.

If I die he gets to remain in the house until his death but it will pass to my children.

Would all of the equity in the house go to the children? If so I could see why he wouldn’t want to pay towards the mortgage.

Also you’d get everything of his if he dies but he’d not get much from you (which is right to look after your children of course!) but I wonder if that’s colouring his views about sharing everything now?

It sounds like he could easily afford to pay more towards joint bills anyway with so much money spare at the end of the month so its making him sound very selfish to not care that you’re struggling. Does he know how little you’re left with?

What would a split proportional to income look like?

On the fence with this one.
I think he should pay more into housing costs, as it doesn't seem right that you are struggling every month.
At the same time, your children are your responsibility.
But more shocking is that you didn't have this conversation before you married!!

So does he pay ANYTHING towards the mortgage at all?

Mortgage should be 50:50.
Bills, food etc, also 50:50 ideally, possibly 60:40 if for ex the food bill is significantly higher because of the DC.
Childcare, uniforms, toys etc you should pay.

What ElfridaEtAl said.
Agree with above too, what are you getting out of this? Seems like he gets to live less expensively than before, you probably also do all the everyday shit, how lucky is he?!

Did I understand this correctly? He pays only 1/3rd of the household out goings ? I assume this is because you and your children are taking up “more space”
And energy costs. I would start here. That just feels wrong. He’s living with your family and getting a discount for the privilege.

I have never come across this before.