To wonder about crying in public

[Medea13]

What do you think if you see someone crying in public? Is it kinder to talk to them or kinder to MYOB or would it depend?

I don't mean, e.g. A crying distressed child all alone (one extreme) or a crying drunk girl with her mates on a night out (another extreme) but just more sort of "everyday" situations. I unexpectedly found myself in this position at the weekend, and no doubt I have myself been a "public cryer" on occasion and i just felt embarrassed but sometimes you can't help it.

On Saturday i was on the train abd there was a woman (20s) opposite me and she had a salad bowl and some other salady bits -- like a flavoured chicken thing and a little pot of hummus (m&s) and she was assembling it all into one main salad in the larger bowl on her lap. This particular train didn't have tables in the middle of 4 seats (no tables anywhere actually) and i guess the train jerked or something and the whole thing fell off her lap and onto the floor before she had even taken a bite. Anyway, she started crying (after she cleared it up and realised nothing was salvageable save a few dry bits of lettuce). Not loudly or anything, and she was trying to be discreet and NOT cry, but she was obviously distressed about it. I had no idea what to do as obviously i was sat right opposite her! I just pointedly looked at my phone until my stop so as not to worsen her embarrassment. I tried to think about what i would want if it were me in that scenario but i can't even imagine why someone would cry about a salad anyway so it's quite a difficult exercise!

what is the right thing to do when either confronted by a crying person or when you find yourself about to cry (esp in a situation where you can't absent yourself)?

(And whyyyy would you cry about a salad??)

Perhaps it was the last straw for her. I’d probably ask her if she was alright.

Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back for her. Maybe she's been tough on a litany of difficult things but this was one blow too many.
That's what I assume.

She was crying because she was hungry and now she had no food and her clothes were probably dirty! I would have offered her some tissues to clean up and if I had any biscuits in my handbag (usually do!) I'd have asked if she wanted one.

I was sitting in a train station this week and a young lady about my age (20s) was in tears on the phone - not floods, it looked more like stress crying. When she was finished on the phone I caught her eye and smiled and asked if she needed any help - she just said "No thank you" with a little smile, so it's easy for people to let you know if they don't want any help! That's the kind of approach I normally do.

I would imagine the salad was the icing on the cake. I wouldnt have ignored her though I'd have just smiled and asked if I can help or something. I know I've cried in public before when things have been extra pooey and sometimes just someone asking if you're ok or if they can help can make all the difference. It's the little gestures that count I think.

Would definitely prefer to be politely ignored if it was over something you'd likely to be embarrassed crying about! Sometimes tears come despite your best efforts.

Poor girl. I’d have given her an ‘Oh no😖’ look and taken it from there, depending on her reaction.

Lots of reasons why you might cry over a salad - hunger, no possibility of buying any other food before work/uni/whatever, no money to replace it, or a million things that made this the last straw.

I’d pretty much always engage the crying person with a look and go from there...

She wasn't crying about the salad. It would have been something else, she dropped it because she was stressed or upset about something else (been there).
I might have offered to help or said something comforting but not intrusive. No idea what. Maybe she wouldn't have wanted that though.

Poor woman sounds like a build up of things. I probably would have quietly asked if she was ok.

It's a difficult call.
I've been doing a fair amount of public crying lately, mostly walking home from the hospital where DD is. I prefer to be left alone, and everyone has left me alone. But I think it's a personality thing, other people would prefer support.

Yes Annie! I always start with a little 😕 sad/worried face and if they pointedly stare away, I won't intervene! But if they give me the little look back, I'll ask if they need any help. I prefer "can I help at all?" to "are you okay?" because they're obviously not okay and people are conditioned to just say they're fine.

I'd down play it. Offer some of any food that I had if it seemed appropriate. I'd assume this was a culmination of other more difficult stuff - I certainly wouldn't assume the tears were only about the salad.

Oyster really hope things get brighter for you soon.

Im a public weeper. Ive been through some horrors in my life where weeping quietly on the commute was just something i did a lot. I was amazed that people just leave you to it. Best is the tiny eye contact query that goes away when you nod say its ok. Theres crying that needs to happen but doesnt need others.

I’d presume the salad was the last straw & she was having a ‘fuck my life’ moment. Because surely a) no-one cries about salad and b) assembling it on the train was a spectacularly bad idea.

No worse than some of the stupid stuff I’ve done in my time! I once had a terrible hangover on the tube on a hot summers morning in my 20’s, I was stood up, packed tube, told the guy in a suit sat behind me that I felt faint and please may I have his seat for a moment. He looked at me disapprovingly (I was also in a suit, clearly commuting..). So I fainted anyway, sat directly on his lap and came too with my head between my knees. Then cried. There was an amazing older woman who then gave me her seat, produced tissues from her bag & asked if I was ok, still remember her kindness 20 years later (we also laughed together about suit man who looked like he might spontaneously combust with disapproval. Who says no to someone about to pass out!?).

A quiet ‘are you ok, is there anything I can do to help?’ never goes amiss. Although sometimes people just want to be invisible. Even a ‘you ok?’ mouthed quietly would probably do.

@oysterbabe, hope you and dd are ok. I think we were on the pregnancy boards at the same time. I had a different username. Sorry to see you are having a difficult time

errrr.... I think honestly, even an awkward “are you okay?”/“is there anything I can do?” is better than being British about things and looking anywhere but the crying person.

Even if they find it embarrassing to know someone cares helps.

My dog died (i’d had her since I was 12, sometimes she was the only thing that made me happy or provided company). I went to work but fell to bits at my desk. The guy who sat next to me was friendly enough but did absolutely nothing... a few hours later I heard him telling the guy the other side to him about it and that guy saying he wouldn’t know what to do either! I think it would have been nice for him to ask if he could get me anything but even today I still laugh at the uselessness of it all!

The odd tear and I would leave alone, maybe offer a kind smile or a tissue but nothing more. Anything more would maybe get some more attention. I was in a busy train station when I found out my DGF died and I was a mess. I was approached by British transport police who were loveky & made me tea. It made a massive difference. I don't know what I would have done without them.

NonJeNeRegretteRien Bet your dog was the best, bless them I do think some people just find it more awkward than others to be on either side of the situation - I tend to just cry if I have to and help anyone however I can! It's usually biscuits and tissues tbh.

I'd have handed her a pack of tissues with a sympathetic smile - we all have days when it all goes wrong.

Other situations depend on what I'm seeing, but I generally wouldn't ignore unless it was clear the person wanted to be left alone/offering aid would be detrimental to my safety.

Bobbie Tranpsort police and the train station people (what are they actually called??) are some of the most helpful people ever!

I would ask if there is anything I could do to help or if she wanted to talk.

I've been in the situation where I've been on a bus trying, and failing, to stop my sobs and no one even looked my way. It was pre-mobile phones and I'd just been diagnosed with a really serious, potentially fatal medical condition and would need major, experimental surgery asap. I was alone - I had almost given up thinking there actually was a diagnosis. I felt like I was drowning, I was desperate, panicked and hopeless - the feeling of a total lack of compassion from every other person there just made everything worse and I felt completely alone.

I dropped something I wanted to eat when I was pregnant and teared up because I didn't have anymore to replace it.

I've unfortunately been a public crier more than once (tough childhood - I spent many of my teen years crying on buses) and I do prefer to be left alone, but when people did try to help it didnt make me worse. I'd just say 'No thank you' they'd smile and get back to whatever they were doing. So I would always smile and ask if they're okay.

I would prefer, in that exact situation, to either be politely ignored OR offered food in a no fuss unemotional way.

I did offer to help a stranger at the vets when her pet died suddenly there, because she was clearly in pieces and couldn't get through to whoever was supposed to be picking her up.

@argumentativefeminist they are! They were angels that day.