To wonder about crying in public

[Medea13]

What do you think if you see someone crying in public? Is it kinder to talk to them or kinder to MYOB or would it depend?

I don't mean, e.g. A crying distressed child all alone (one extreme) or a crying drunk girl with her mates on a night out (another extreme) but just more sort of "everyday" situations. I unexpectedly found myself in this position at the weekend, and no doubt I have myself been a "public cryer" on occasion and i just felt embarrassed but sometimes you can't help it.

On Saturday i was on the train abd there was a woman (20s) opposite me and she had a salad bowl and some other salady bits -- like a flavoured chicken thing and a little pot of hummus (m&s) and she was assembling it all into one main salad in the larger bowl on her lap. This particular train didn't have tables in the middle of 4 seats (no tables anywhere actually) and i guess the train jerked or something and the whole thing fell off her lap and onto the floor before she had even taken a bite. Anyway, she started crying (after she cleared it up and realised nothing was salvageable save a few dry bits of lettuce). Not loudly or anything, and she was trying to be discreet and NOT cry, but she was obviously distressed about it. I had no idea what to do as obviously i was sat right opposite her! I just pointedly looked at my phone until my stop so as not to worsen her embarrassment. I tried to think about what i would want if it were me in that scenario but i can't even imagine why someone would cry about a salad anyway so it's quite a difficult exercise!

what is the right thing to do when either confronted by a crying person or when you find yourself about to cry (esp in a situation where you can't absent yourself)?

(And whyyyy would you cry about a salad??)

I'm a bit crap, I empathise far too strongly and end up getting a bit choked myself (not great as a manager haha).

I think I've cried in public a few times but no-one has ever said anything to me. I think I would have offered salad-woman a sympathetic grimace and a tissue, she could only say no thanks I suppose.

I was on the platform once with a lady who was speaking fairly discreetly into her phone, but quite obviously crying and distressed. Something to do with her children. She was right beside me on a bench and I was just about to make eye contact and maybe offer a sympathetic arm touch and see if she was all right, when an announcement came loudly over the tannoy and she moved quickly away.

I like to think I would always try to be kind to someone in distress, even at the risk of being told to fuck right off and mind my business.

I see I'm in the minority who would want everyone to pretend they hadn't noticed if I was crying in public. I think my problem is that I find it difficult to hold it together and if someone is "nice" to me, it just opens the floodgates, and then I go full-on with the big shuddery breaths and the snot and the swollen eyes.

Having said that, in the OP's situation I might have discreetly offered the salad lady a tissue or my crisps if I'd had any on me! It sounds as if she was probably tired and hungry and it was a last straw sort of thing. Maybe she was on her way to something which she wasn't looking forward to and now she had to deal with it on an empty stomach!

It depends. Often a kind "are you OK?"is what unleashes the floodgates and makes it worse. I would always weigh up whether an interaction would make it more embarrassing, or help. If it's already past the point of full on tears, not much you can do to make it worse, only better!

I'd have bought her a kit Kat from the buffet car and given her a tissue.

I’d guess that the girl had some other things going on in life and the salad kind of was the last straw.
I have cried on public when I was told my dad’s life support was to be withdrawn. I ran out of the ward and Into to the hospital car park. A young lady of about 20 years old stopped to comfort me. She had issues of her own with drugs and alcohol but she stayed with me as long as she could as
She said she couldn’t leave me in that state. To other people they probably saw her
And thought she she was a “wrong un” but to me on that horrific day it felt like she was my saviour. I often wonder about her and how she made it out of that way of life.

*hope she made it

We've just got to try and help surely. If their response seems to be 'leave me alone I'm cringing I wish you hadn't noticed' then fair enough. But not to respond to another human being in distress, well, it's inhuman.

There's some lovely tales of some lovely people in this thread. You never know when that 'Can I help?' phrase may mean everything in the world to someone. It's the little things that matter.

@Vitalogy - I agree totally. Sometimes the 'last straw' for someone may be exactly that, and a stranger's kind words could be simply a life saver.

I work with all women in a stressy job so crying is fairly frequent although not from me.
One day tho it all got to me and I tried to sneak off before the floodgates opened but got waylaid and ended up having a public weep!
I was mortified but my boss finally saw I'd had enough and reduced my workload which was totally crazy at the time.

I'm terrible for crying in public. My most memorable though was when I'd had an awful morning dragging my dd to school(she's awful going in, tears and everything) and my ds was being his usual challenging self.
We'd gone to a shopping centre to pick something up and he'd installed himself on a coin ride, still upset and desperately in need of a cry and a coffee I was literally begging the monkey to get going home but nope. I had no cash and was desperately thirsty. I just started silently crying and this beautiful lady asked me was I OK and offered to get me a coffee (shed heard me saying I wanted one)

I felt so embarrassed as because I was basically crying over nothing but it felt immense to me(overload of emotions) and politely declined. But I've never forgotten her kindness.

I do think it's a brave act to put yourself in that situation with a stranger.

I always offer a tissue and ask if I can help. Why wouldn't you?

Thank you for the concern.
2 year old DD has had open heart surgery. We had a rough few days but she's come home today 😀
Yes to kind people making you cry more. There was this nurse at the hospital who always asked if I was ok and gave me a sad little smile and head tilt. Made me cry every time.

@oysterbabe - I’ve been there too when my daughter has been in hospital. Sobbing (usually silently) in the tube all the way there and back. No one ever said anything but that suited me fine and I deliberately avoided eye contact! I also do the crying when people ask how you are thing! My husband would sometimes put his arm round me on the tube and I would push him away saying ‘no no I’m trying to calm down!’ :-)

My daughter also had open heart surgery 2 weeks ago and we too are home and back to some kind of normality. Hope your daughter’s recovery goes smoothly.

There's a long story behind this, but the last time I saw someone crying and I asked if they were okay, it turned out to be a scam. I ended up giving her all the money I had on me- thankfully only a few pounds. She gave a good story about being pregnant, in pain, skint. I'm still glad I asked and would do the same again.

I think if I were crying in public and someone spoke to me i'd cry even more! But I'd still be grateful that they cared.

I think I'd appreciate someone asking whether I needed help if that happened to me...

Or to just give me a tissue to clean up.

I have cried in public (not cute tears but real, ugly crying...) and noone did ask whether I was ok / needed something.

One of the things I've semi recently learned was to just go up to people and politely (!) ask for help.
I'm currently unmedicated so rather scatterbrained... And a very nice lady called about 5 stores and my mobile (repeatedly...) when I couldn't find it.

Turns out I left it at the produce aisle but I was really stressed and she was just so great and immensely helpful :)!

She probably wasn't crying about the salad ffs!
For all you know she'd just lost a parent or a baby or her job and that was the final straw.

I'd shoot her a friendly sympathetic smile and perhaps offer to buy her a coffee.

Oh bless salad lady. I think it sounds like the absolute final straw.

Last time I cried in public was while shepherding a distressed and clingy 4 year old and a distressed and clingy 2 week old through a shopping centre to find my husband. Baby wouldn’t be put down, I had forgotten the sling so was holding 4 year old by the arm, holding baby over shoulder and trying to push the pram.

I was exhausted, overwhelmed and probably terribly hormonal. Tears were dripping off my chin. Lots of people saw me. I saw them see me. I got a lot of sympathetic smiles - mainly from older men actually. I am very glad none of them approached me as I just needed time to gather myself. If they had spoken I would have fallen to pieces

Bad day? Maybe that was her first bit of food and had no more money? I would have asked discreetly

This thread has resonated with me.......in the last few weeks I've had a terrible time holding it together in the quiet moments........so the train, the tube etc. But it will sound fairly self indulgent when compared to those who've had terrible news re bereavement etc. Because it's not something like that, it's the slow dawning, after yet another failed relationship, combined with the age I am, that I'm going to be alone, forever. And i can't talk to anyone about it, as they'd doubtless tell me to be thankful for all the things I do have; an exciting, challenging job surrounded by fabulous people; kind, funny friends; a loving family (parents and siblings, not my own family tough), a lovely home. And I do have all those things but the sheer weight of what I don't have is suffocating me, and it's getting harder and harder to hide that. But if you asked me if I were OK you'd likely get a mortified British apology, for where would I start, and what would you say if I did?!

During a difficult period in my life I used to cry quietly every day on the way home from work. Packed tube, no where to go. I would have been mortified if anyone had drawn attention to it when I would have been unable to escape the situation. However, there was one woman who one day got off at my stop and once we were out in the air and it was less claustrophobic she just quietly smiled at me and offered me a tissue, asked if there was anyone she could call for me and went on her way when I reassured her I would be ok.

Now if I saw someone acting like me I'd make sure they had an exit to bolt to if I made them awkward by showing that I'd seen their distress but I would ask if they were ok and of there was anything I could do.

@Alconleigh

This is not self-indulgent at all. I think it's perfectly natural to be sad about a pretty massive part of your life not being how you want it to be.

I have cried about the most ridiculous things.
We (=humans) tend to have emotions. They don't have to be about terrible tragedies to be of importance.

I'm not going to give you a platitude about there being someone for everyone (because even if that was true. What if they died? If you're on different continents etc...) but I think that revealing your sorrow to some people may be helpful. What do you or they gain from you suffering silently and alone?

The people that love you wouldn't (shouldn't!!) dismiss it as self-indulgent. I mean, I'm a stranger on the internet, don't know or particularly like you (how could I like someone I don't know?) and still didn't think that...
Take care.

Apart from being irritated that someone was travelling opposite me whilst preparing a meal, I’d stick my nose in. I’m not sure I could walk past someone in obvious distress whether drunk or sober.
I think City Angels do a fabulous job with distraught drunken youngsters and many town centres are safer as a result.
Why would you not intervene with crying adults, distressed or lost children, fighting schoolchildren, injured old people or parents who have clearly lost the plot with their little ones?

The salad sounds like the last straw kind of thing.

I’d have probably offered her a mini pack of tissues as I always have those.

Oh god, I hate it when people ask if I'm ok when I'm upset - particularly if I have just pulled myself together as it sets me off again!!