To wonder about crying in public

[Medea13]

What do you think if you see someone crying in public? Is it kinder to talk to them or kinder to MYOB or would it depend?

I don't mean, e.g. A crying distressed child all alone (one extreme) or a crying drunk girl with her mates on a night out (another extreme) but just more sort of "everyday" situations. I unexpectedly found myself in this position at the weekend, and no doubt I have myself been a "public cryer" on occasion and i just felt embarrassed but sometimes you can't help it.

On Saturday i was on the train abd there was a woman (20s) opposite me and she had a salad bowl and some other salady bits -- like a flavoured chicken thing and a little pot of hummus (m&s) and she was assembling it all into one main salad in the larger bowl on her lap. This particular train didn't have tables in the middle of 4 seats (no tables anywhere actually) and i guess the train jerked or something and the whole thing fell off her lap and onto the floor before she had even taken a bite. Anyway, she started crying (after she cleared it up and realised nothing was salvageable save a few dry bits of lettuce). Not loudly or anything, and she was trying to be discreet and NOT cry, but she was obviously distressed about it. I had no idea what to do as obviously i was sat right opposite her! I just pointedly looked at my phone until my stop so as not to worsen her embarrassment. I tried to think about what i would want if it were me in that scenario but i can't even imagine why someone would cry about a salad anyway so it's quite a difficult exercise!

what is the right thing to do when either confronted by a crying person or when you find yourself about to cry (esp in a situation where you can't absent yourself)?

(And whyyyy would you cry about a salad??)

I was a public crier for a bit. My mum was diagnosed with leukaemia and now and then silly stuff would just make me cry. I wasn't massively embarassed and on the odd occasion someone asked if I was ok I'd just say I was feeling a bit over emotional and I was fine. I normally ask if the person is ok and if I can help if I see anyone crying.

i'd imagine she wasn't really crying about the salad - last straw and all that!

I would like to think I would ask if I could help in any way.
During my dreadful divorce I would find myself unable to hold back tears in public. At that stage I didn't care that people saw me and a kind word would have not made things better or worse, just been an acknowledgement.

You can't know someone's situation but asking if they need anything is just an act of kindness. Obv don't take it personally if they react badly - again you don't know what's going on.

@NonJeNeRegretteRien your work colleagues sound a bit rubbish. I got call at work once about my car failing its MOT and needing hundreds of pound of work, I had some money saved but I had earmarked it for Christmas and was gutted and burst into tears (I blame pregnancy hormones!). My lovely male colleague went out and brought me a hot chocolate from costa and a cake to cheer me up. He's a lovely human!
I think its nice to just ask if you can do anything, most people won't want anything but its kind to ask.

Doubt it was really about the salad!

I think it’s one of those things where it’s impossible to know the best thing to do because you don’t know the person.

I absolutely HATE crying in public and I also hate people being nice to me when I do because it makes me cry even more! I’m sure others would appreciate a kind word but I just want others to pretend it’s not happening.

This is an awkward one, I don’t blame you for staring at your phone. I was at the vets once and there was a woman crying. I asked if she was ok (quietly not announcing to the world) and she then proceeded to stare at me until I was called in. I don’t blame her, she obviously had things to deal with but I’m a bit wary to approach crying people now!

It really does depend on the situation. I've had a cry over the years while commuting & prefer to be left alone. However I remember one time I fell and hurt my knee. Feeling more humiliated than anything, tears welled up. A lovely girl was passing by eating crisps. She asked casually if I was ok and walked with me for a while eating her crisps and chatting lightheartedly about random things. Was exactly what I needed.

Another time I was on public transport and a young suited man sitting in front of me was crying. He asked the woman beside him for tissues but she didn't have any. I put my hand on his shoulder & gave him a tissue & for which he was very grateful. He was still crying when I got up for my stop, so I handed him the full packet of tissues with a sympathetic smile. (Am guessing he had just received really bad news).

It's never wrong to offer some help although sometimes you just don't know how to do it.

I have and I would speak to someone distressed. This very recent illness of "individuality" and disassociated disinterest is very harmful to us all. I've never regretted intervening to help someone. On one occasion I dragged a very drunk old man out of the road. I was scared, but I wasn't about to leave him rolling around in the road. I think most people get over their embarrassment and reflect on it that the world is a better place when someone shows they care.

Oh yeah, I would defo try and help her, and ask if she was OK.

I absolutely HATE crying in public and I also hate people being nice to me when I do because it makes me cry even more!

This!! Although I would always appreciate it as a kind gesture, even if inwardly I wanted to just be left alone.

I would assume that the woman on the train was just having a bad day, or a shit time generally. I agree with other pp who have suggested a kind look to check she was ok.

I remember a few years ago in work, my grandad was dying and me and DP were supposed to be going on our first holiday together. I was dreading it in case my grandad died while we were away.

I’d just got to my desk and was feeling particularly emotional after a shit commute in the pouring rain when my boss said “I bet you can’t wait for your holiday now!” And it just completely set me off. My lovely friend who sat opposite me came wheeling round on her chair, brandishing some posh M&S tissues. Her kindness made me cry even more and my poor boss must’ve felt awful bless him.

I don't know, I think if I had some food I would have offered her some .. or money? I'm not sure what would be the best thing to do though really. I cried in public, once ..couldn't stop, I was actually praying no one would stop and ask me what was wrong though because I was really embarrassed and I don't think I could have told them anyway. I'd gone to our car with the intention of getting into the car, but my husband had the keys so that was that plan scuppered. I do think it depends on the situation at the time though and how you'd think that person would react to it.

I've done a public crying thing on the bus. It wasn't so much crying just tears rolling and me trying not to have a panic attack (really bad work anxiety). No one spoke to me but if someone had I probably would have had a breakdown. I'll probably do this again tomorrow as I've been off for several weeks and NEED to go back tomorrow before I get fired.

In that situation I would have felt sorry for her and offered to help clear it up. Ask if she needed a tissue or she was ok. Depends on the situation.

I just silently hand someone a tissue if they are crying in public. It's a small, kind gesture and then if they want to talk they usually do. If they just take it without eye contact, I leave them in peace. But it does show that someone nearby cares about the fact you're unhappy, and small acts of kindess can be comforting when you feel that low.

If I had a pack of tissues I’d give them with an understanding smile but other than that I wouldn’t say anything. If the shoe was on the other foot I’d rather be ignored than have someone try and talk to me.

During a difficult period of my life I used to quietly cry most days on my commute to work. No one ever spoke to me and I didn’t want them too either.

On the other hand, when I was in hospital after receiving some upsetting news the lady from the bed opposite came over when she saw me crying and gave me a hug. I felt so scared and alone. Her kindness really touched me.

It's tricky because the majority of people would probably appreciate "Are you ok?".
On the other hand I'm prone to tearfulness in public right now and that would just make me cry more, which I find embarrassing.

It's happened to me a few times recently as I'm going through a really difficult time with my eldest severely disabled son.
I've been stood in the school playground with tears rolling down my face and the more I try and stop it and tell myself to pull myself together the more I think about the reason why I'm so upset and the tears just keep flowing!!
An understanding smile goes a long way or a comforting rub of the arm.
There are no words needed. It's the kind gestures that make me feel better.

I would have talked to her, offered to help clean up the mess, offer her a tissue and a offer a listening ear. Sometimes talking to a stranger is easier than talking to a friend. I think if I saw anyone looking upset in public I would offer a friendly ear (up to them if they tell me to fuck off), I work in mental health so I’m kind of used to talking to people about random things.

I’m guessing she probably had a really hard day, probably hadn’t had time to eat all day so grabbed something for the journey home, she’s had probably been looking forward to eating all day and then it got knocked onto the floor.

When I have been in terrible places I would have loved someone to have asked me if I was ok when I was crying. When I felt really alone it would have helped to know someone noticed and cared enough to ask.

oysterbabe - I really hope you're okay. I remember you from conception too.

Waves to Blondie too!

I recently cried on a London to Brighton train after getting some very bad news on the phone. I was trying to be discreet but the tears kept coming and I was aware of people trying not to stare. I will never forget the kindness of the lady sitting in front of me who came to sit beside me, gave me a hug, let me talk for a few minutes and left me with a pack of much needed tissues.

Recently a stranger overheard my side of an argument with my husband. By the end of the argument I had big sad, frustrated tears running down my face. She and her son had shared a picnic and I was sitting near them. As they got up to leave, she caught my eye, offered me a paper napkin and whispered "they can all be w#@nkers sometimes!'' and then offered to stay longer if I didn't want to be alone.
Her kindness meant so much to me that day. She could easily have ignored me and I'll always remember that she didn't.

Ooh I'm a crier, and I can easily imagine crying about the salad, especially if I was starving or having a bad day. Or maybe she was pregnant. I'm a crier anyway, but when I was pregnant, OMG I was 10 times worse.

If I was sitting opposite salad-crier I'd have sympathised and, if I had one, offered her a packet of crisps or something - unless it was clear she was trying to avoid me eye. Poor thing :(

I've cried in the street, on public transport and at work (before I was self-employed) numerous time - these days it's usually just accumulated stress from work, kids and life in general. I don't mind being ignored, I know it;s embarrassing, but I have been grateful for the people who've been kind - usually older women with a hug and a hanky. Feeling teary thinking about it! :o

Once I was very heavily pregnant, in a slow-moving M&S queue, with tantrumming 4yo, and just had tears rolling down my face I was so exhausted and emotional. A man ahead of me in the queue bought me a cake! He called DS over, gave him the cake and told him to give it to mummy as she needed cheering up. What a star.

I'll never forget the kindness of a woman sitting opposite me on a packed commuter train when I got a call to say a good friend had died.

It was not unexpected as she had an aggressive brain tumour. But it was so fast and I was in total shock.

I tried so hard to keep it together but all I could do is say no no no not her while crying.

She didn't say much but gave me tissues and held my hand. She also stayed with me until my stop (much after hers) and made sure I was ok to get home.

I wish I knew her name. She was wonderful. So if you are a mid 60s woman on a train to Surrey 5 years ago I thank you so much. The kindness of strangers... made one of the shittest moments of my life a bit less shit.

And I pay it forwards whenever I can.

I've been the public crier on trains before. Give me tissues & smile, that's usually enough.

Except for one time I froze and started hyperventilating and then cried going up the stairs at TCR tube. Lovely people gently guided me to one side, mopped me up and talked me through it!

This threads making me cry! I am a crier, i've cried in public and at work several times. Tried to do it discreetly but its difficult.
I'm pregnant so i'm even worse now, the most recent public crying was a couple of months ago. I cried to the manager of KFC cos the bottle of pepsi exploded in the car on the drive home and we had to throw it out the window in a lay by as it was spraying all over my car. Then to top it off we got home and there were no dips with the 'dipping box'
I took the whole thing back to kfc and cried as i told him so he replaced it all