To wonder about crying in public

[Medea13]

What do you think if you see someone crying in public? Is it kinder to talk to them or kinder to MYOB or would it depend?

I don't mean, e.g. A crying distressed child all alone (one extreme) or a crying drunk girl with her mates on a night out (another extreme) but just more sort of "everyday" situations. I unexpectedly found myself in this position at the weekend, and no doubt I have myself been a "public cryer" on occasion and i just felt embarrassed but sometimes you can't help it.

On Saturday i was on the train abd there was a woman (20s) opposite me and she had a salad bowl and some other salady bits -- like a flavoured chicken thing and a little pot of hummus (m&s) and she was assembling it all into one main salad in the larger bowl on her lap. This particular train didn't have tables in the middle of 4 seats (no tables anywhere actually) and i guess the train jerked or something and the whole thing fell off her lap and onto the floor before she had even taken a bite. Anyway, she started crying (after she cleared it up and realised nothing was salvageable save a few dry bits of lettuce). Not loudly or anything, and she was trying to be discreet and NOT cry, but she was obviously distressed about it. I had no idea what to do as obviously i was sat right opposite her! I just pointedly looked at my phone until my stop so as not to worsen her embarrassment. I tried to think about what i would want if it were me in that scenario but i can't even imagine why someone would cry about a salad anyway so it's quite a difficult exercise!

what is the right thing to do when either confronted by a crying person or when you find yourself about to cry (esp in a situation where you can't absent yourself)?

(And whyyyy would you cry about a salad??)

I think checking in with the person is ok, because a kind word can go a long way. However, the person might not want to have a long interaction.

I actually had this happen recently. I was driving to see my Mom for the last time and we made a pit stop. I had turned off my phone so I wouldn’t be distracted from driving safely. I had a million missed calls from my Dad. I called him in the fast food restaurant knowing the news he was about to give me. I broke down sobbing in front of everyone. I had to get off the phone with him rather quickly because I had my child with me and she was scared and upset. So I was comforting her and a woman came up and asked if we were ok. She thought maybe our car had broken down or something. I told her we had just gotten expected, but bad news and that we would be ok. That interaction was nice. But then she just didn’t leave. She wanted to talk to me about it. She wanted to buy us food. I just wanted her to go away and even starting to walk away didn’t immediately solve the issue.

So give someone a kind word or a smile, but don’t insist on becoming their new BFF.

Thank you MeyMerry, that is very kind of you. Actually I realised what I wrote was unfair to my family and friends; what they'd actually do is try to helpfully insist that for every saucepan there's a lid, etc etc, because they love me so assume someone else will, and as you say, and as I now know, that simply isn't true!

Anyway I shall try to pull myself together in public at least so none of the lovely people on this thread get stuck with my existential angst in case they gird themselves to approach a cryer next time! 😀

I ve just remembered being 23 and having a right row with my boyfriend and he stormed off. I sat on the pavement crying and didn't have money for a cab home. Some lovely ladies in their 60s helped me with the fare and the advice that when I got to their age such things wouldn't matter.
Well I m still not that old but I always remember them. They put a smile back on my face

I always have a pack of tissues in my bag which as long as I have one for myself can be given to someone more in need, can be someone weeping, parent of small child with streaming nose, etc.

'Do you need and help' is far better than 'are you okay'

I've given smiles to people or silently handed them tissues. I've also been on the crying end. No one has even offered help to me.

This particular story resonated with me because I publicly cried sitting on a bench in the middle of a town after spilling some of my salad bowl. It had nothing to do with the salad. I was 15 and just been raped at knife point by my then boyfriend. I was scared and confused and knew that I needed to cry it out then so that when I got home I could cope with pretending everything was ok. Lots of people saw and no one approached me.

I remember crying once because the coach driver insisted on putting my laptop bag in the luggage hold and I thought it might get broken - I'm sure everyone thought I was ridiculous but I was coming back from a funeral and it was the final straw. I would have appreciated a kind smile.

She probably wasn't crying about the salad ffs!

She could well have been crying about something else and just been tipped over the edge. However I defend her right to cry about salad, if that's all it was! I really can imagine that - I hate food being wasted, I enjoy food and would have been really looking forward to my nice salad, and to drop it in front of other people would have been mortifying as well.

And then if you were the type to cry about salad, that in itself would be even more mortifying, and that would make it worse, etc.

🥗

I'd ask if they were ok, I'm sure I've done so on a few occasions.

When I was quite vulnerable I cried in public sometimes, especially when I was with my 1st husband and he'd say something abrupt when we were out - and I'd be in tears. I felt double-bad for the public humiliation, but then learnt to think that, if I have to cry I'll cry, and there's no shame in it.
If someone asked me if I were ok, I'd take it as a sign of kindness, but equally I didn't expect anyone to comfort me. Strangely enough, when I lived in a wealthy area in London, the only person who asked me why I was crying (it was after the marriage broke down) was a homeless man, not those well dressed professionals coming home from their media jobs. I ended up inviting this man for dinner and shower, and he stayed overnight (I asked a friend to come over, for safety) - wouldn't recommend it though, although I was fine. Just shows that the kindest people are often those who suffer, because they know what it feels like.

The only row DH and I have ever had was a huge corker and was in the middle of town. He stormed off and I was stood sobbing outside the station.

I have never forgotten a lovely lady who gave me a tissue and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I didn't - but it was nice to be asked.

I remember crying at an airport when I was moving to the UK away from my parents (as well as nearly all family and friends). I was trying to be as quiet and discreet as possible when going through security and it felt like everyone was staring and judging. I'm not sure what would've helped, but maybe a smile.

Just brought back a memory for me of being in the hospital when my dad was dying very suddenly and unexpectedly from cancer. I had gone to the loo to cry and was trying to suck it all back in before going back into the ward but wasn't being very successful. I remember a bloke holding open the door for me and giving a little supportive smile and for some reason it meant a huge amount to me at the time and I've always remembered it.

Years ago I was crying in the centre of a city I don’t know that well in the middle of the night as I’d just split up with my boyfriend, and a couple of police officers pulled over and asked me if I needed help. I was really hungry and just sobbed if they could point me in the direction of a pizza place. They must have thought I was pissed.

But generally I prefer people to leave me to it and mind their own business. When we lost a baby a couple of years ago I would randomly burst into tears when out and about and I hated if people noticed and asked me about it. But it’s just me. I’m not a people person. I always have big sunglasses in my bag for those situations now!

Oh I have so been there, I was there on Saturday in fact. We moved house which as anyone will know, is always beyond stressful. We moved 40 miles away too just to add to the stress. I had my three DC with me while the move was happening and they were so bored all day long. I am also seven months pregnant so hormones are rampant. I got us a McDonald’s for lunch and finally thought I’d have some peace and quiet while we ate it. DD dropped hers all over the floor and DS’s order wasn’t right so he refused to eat it . I burst into tears on the spot. It sometimes can’t be helped and very much is a straw that broke the camels back situation.

I’ve publicly cried a fair few times in my life, I just couldn’t hold it in. No stranger has ever approached me if they have noticed and I think I’m glad about that, I’d be a tad embarrassed if they did.

My friend had just started a new job in London which she hated. She cried every day on the way home on the tube. The day someone asked her if she was ok was the day she realised she had to quit the job. She thought, “if even a commuter in central London has actually noticed I’m crying, I must be in a right state”!

This last weekend a lady in front of me in the security line at the airport was crying, she was obviously trying to control and hide it so I said nothing and just gave her a little smile when I caught her eye. She nodded and smile/grimaced back. Other times I've asked people if they need help or a tissue or 'ignored' them to prevent further embarrassment depending on the situation.
In the OP's case I think I would have tried to help her clean up the mess, something like that I couldn't pretend I haven't seen the person be upset, so I feel you kinda have to do or say something to express sympathy or understanding. It does sound like a 'last straw' thing rather than she was crying over spilled salad.

I cried in public on Sunday, and it was embarrassing for me. My phone was stolen out of my bag and I hadn't backed it up (entirely my fault) I knew I had lost so many photos and so many treasured text messages etc.

I was sorting a new phone out in Carphone Warehouse and I was on my own and it just got too much and the tears just came from nowhere! I am 5 months pregnant but I felt so bad for the poor man helping me out. Halfway through he stopped and look straight at me and said 'are you ok? my wife has just had a baby so I understand how you are feeling' and it just set me off again!! it was so kind of him but in a way I would have composed myself quicker if he ignored me.

Having said that, I think I would have to check if a person was ok if I saw them crying.

I'd be mortified if somebody approached me. I was crying in the supermarket years ago when I couldn't open the carrier bag and I was so thankful that nobody spoke to me, it was nothing to do with the bag of course - a close relative had just died and the bag was the final straw.

Im gonna sound horrible as no I wouldnt say anything and nor has anyone ever said anything to me in public.

I think you should check if people are ok if you see them crying in public. I remember soon after my mum died, crying in the car in Sainsbury's car park. I don't know why, but I found food shopping very hard after she died, maybe because I often used to take her for her weekly shop. And a woman who got into the car opposite saw me, hesitated, then came over and asked me if I was ok - I told her what was wrong and she was so lovely. I was really touched and still think about how kind she was to make that effort. Actually, even thinking about it makes me well up now - remembering how utterly devastated I was, and how that little act of kindness made me feel a little less alone.

Maybe she was really hungry and didn't have anything else to eat.

Who the feck does salad constructions on trains? Just buy a sandwich or a flapjack if you're that hungry. But yes I imagine it was the last straw

Though I'd prefer people NOT to be sympathetic if I'm successfully struggling to hold tears in. because then I will cry. But if I'm already sobbing, I welcome a bit of sympathy.

Though I'd prefer people NOT to be sympathetic if I'm successfully struggling to hold tears in. because then I will cry.

^ This, every time. I have been known to tell people not to be nice as I'm holding it together. Like you, I'd cry if they asked me if I was OK.

I'd have bought her a kit Kat from the buffet car and given her a tissue.

It was on the Kings Lynn-Kings X line so no buffet car or food whatsoever... So perhaps the prospect of having to go another 90+ mins without the opportunity to get more food compounded things.

She seemed like she wanted to be left alone, which is why i did - i can see opinion on this is split so i guess it's never easy to tell.

@LethalDrizzle
Who the feck does salad constructions on trains? Just buy a sandwich or a flapjack if you're that hungry. But yes I imagine it was the last straw
Well, the train did used to have tables... And tbh she was very thin (definitely underweight) so i do genuinely wobder whether she had some sort of eating problem (or specific diet/allergies maybe) and this was the only thing she had eaten that day.

I also ALWAYS cry on planes. I have no idea why, but apparently it's A Thing.