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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this woman was a bitch?!

123 replies

Sugarplumdinosaur · 03/09/2018 10:15

So last week I was sitting in the waiting room of my daughter dance class, along with several of the other mums. They were all having a discussion around one of the children, whose birthday party had been held the weekend before. I am reasonably friendly with these mums when I see them each week, and my child gets on well with theirs. They were talking about all the "cool" presents the birthday child recieved, when the mum of the birthday child turned to me and said "oh and thanks so much for your gift (childs name) just loved it". I looked at her blankly and replied "I didn't know there was a party, we weren't there?"... awkward silence then she laughed and said "Oh thats right you weren't invited " before turning her back to me and continuing her talk with the other mums.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that was a bitchy thing to do? It felt like she set the conversation up to go that way, or do you think I am perhaps being too sensitive and perhaps she just felt embarrassed?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 03/09/2018 17:43

""Juells that's a really unusual set of behaviours you are applying to the OPs situation.""

I am a perpetual student and go to lots of different things, as well.

You'd be amazed at the behaviour of Adult Women and it tends to just be the Women.

When i moved house, I couldn't get my head round how two of the Women who lived in the street, both in their 50's, behaved.They drove other neighbours to move.

I often wonder how much posters mix outside of work and their usual friendship group, when they say that they've never encountered this.

I Volunteer with a Church Group (I'm not religious though). We've had Women who the Pastor has had to have words with. On Courses that I've been on, Tutors have had to do the same.

OP, let it go, but have a plan if it happens again.

NonaGrey · 03/09/2018 18:07

You're looking at this through the eyes of a pleasant, nice person.

How kind of you to say Juells . Unfortunately I’m no stranger to people behaving unpleasantly.

And this woman absolutely did behave unpleasantly. She was dreadfully rude and hurtful and completely lacking in any social skills at all.

But that doesn’t mean it was planned.

Very few people sit at home deliberately trying to think of ways to hurt a random woman they don’t happen to be friendly with at dance class.

That would be pretty extreme behaviour. Why would anyone go to that much effort for someone who quietly shares the same space as them once a week?

Unpleasant, ill-mannered people are unpleasant and rude naturally, they don’t have to plan it.

The most likely thing is that she made an embarrassing mistake and and because she isn’t a very nice or socially adept person she didn’t apologise but made it worse with rudeness.

She laughed because she was embarrassed. Her friends laughed because they were embarrassed (and probably appalled).

It doesn’t help the OP for everyone to tell her she was deliberately targeted when that is really, really unlikely.

No question the woman was awful but to have done what everyone is suggesting she’d need to be a monster.

MissVanjie · 03/09/2018 21:49

“All she did was embarrass herself hugely, in public, in front of her friends. Who laughed at her”

Exactly this

I think mners often fall into the trap of comparing their own insides with others’ outsides. Most humans feel ourselves to be socially awkward, blundering ineptly through life, saying stupid things or misreading situations in ways that make us lie awake at night cringing years later. Most of us have had brain fail or something come out the wrong way at some point. Unfortunately mn is full of people who don’t understand that these experiences tend to be universal, that others misspeak or get it wrong just as often as ‘we’ do and will be just as mortified. They shore up paranoia and put the worst interpretation on things possible. Let me guess, those of you coming up with cutting comebacks about how old and haggard she is or whatever struggle with friendships and find yourselves being ‘wendied’ on the regular?

Hmmm wonder why that could be

My take is, we’re all fairly similar on the inside. I don’t see ‘queen bees’ and imagine them out to get me, i just see a bunch of women doing their best like i am, some of whom i will click with better than others. Rather than waste time and energy obsessing over my social standing in relation to theirs i take people as i find them and give them the benefit of the doubt mostly. Worst case scenario and i’m wrong? I still haven’t lost out have i, i’m happily oblivious.

recklessruby · 03/09/2018 23:16

She's a dick. Ignore.

Its2oclockinthemorning · 04/09/2018 17:39

Yea I think it does feel like a set up for humiliation. Otherwise she would have said, oh sorry we forgot to invite x or sorry we had limited numbers or something like that. She sounds bloody awful

Nousernamefound · 04/09/2018 17:41

What were the other mothers reactions to her?

Dalamane · 04/09/2018 18:06

Sounds to me like she'd rehearsed it beforehand, she obviously knew you hadn't been invited so just to rub it in and make a deal out of it (rather than say nothing at all) she actually instigated the unnecessary conversation - can't imagine how mean her kids are gonna grow up under that influence.

It's like purposely starting a conversation about having big boobs with someone who is conscious about having small boobs, and then saying 'oh well you wouldn't know cos you haven't got any'.

Whatever her beef is, is her problem not yours xx

purplebunny2012 · 04/09/2018 18:08

Severely bitchy

ToftyAC · 04/09/2018 18:16

The other mother thinks she’s Queen Fucking Bee but actually made herself look a complete twat.

MaluCachu · 04/09/2018 18:18

Is her name Coleen?..

Aspenfrost · 04/09/2018 18:20

Off the gift list from now on, I hope.

TwoOddSocks · 04/09/2018 18:30

Bloody hell. I'd be ashamed if my 6 year old was so rude but a grown adult?!

Happygummibear · 04/09/2018 18:36

Unfortunately I have come across alot of dance mums like this over the years and their daughters tend to follow suit.

Dancing seems to draw in a certain type.... however there will always be the nice ones and that's what keeps the world going round

mama17 · 04/09/2018 18:42

What a nasty piece of work. Some people are just awful.

5000KallaxHoles · 04/09/2018 18:55

Sounds from the information given here like it was intended to wind you up and the OP just shooting it down totally deadpan really took the wind out of her sails a bit. Hard to tell without having being there ourselves though - worst case it was intentionally bitchy, best case she put her foot in it and feels embarrassed to fuck.

I'm used to the not being invited to parties post-party conversation slight awkwardness (child with SN = usually the first culled from the guest list when it's general "in crowd" type list limits) when they realise they've alluded to a party your child wasn't invited to and you return it all with a smile and a "did X have a nice birthday" before the topic of conversation switches is the general way they go... not like the way the OP relays.

Dance seems to bring out the absolute worst in particularly mothers though. We moved away from a proper dance "school" to a woman who runs dance classes around the local area as I simply couldn't stand how increasingly unpleasant the atmosphere was getting in the changing rooms as the kids got older. Current bunch of parents are just obsessed with semi amusing ridiculousness like calculating how good their child's next teacher is going to be based upon how well done her eyebrows are in the photos on the school website (sadly not a joke - our local area's women have lost the collective plot over fucking eyebrows).

Biblio78 · 04/09/2018 19:35

What a nasty piece of work.
Wonder what her child is like in the dance class

pteradactyl · 04/09/2018 21:05

Sounds awful, what a horrible person. I would have to agree that dancing does seem to attract women who are a bit like this. The one my DD is at is so cliquey and some girls who don't have a huge amount of talent get the best roles because of who their mother is and how involved they are in the school. I'm not saying that bitterly either as my DD seems to get by ok on talent alone. My DD loves it there or I would have moved her long ago, if she ever starts disliking it or missing out entirely because I don't have the time to devote hours to helping out then I will remove her.
Chin up, it really is her not you that is the problem

niccyb · 04/09/2018 21:35

Why would someone do that? What an absolute bitch!

Gotthetshirt68 · 04/09/2018 23:14

laugh it off, rise above it, you don’t need people like that around you or your daughter .

yorkrose · 05/09/2018 12:24

I have been in situations like this, makes you feel rubbish, but try not to let it get to you. You are there for your DC and that is all that matters. Chin up op, brush it off and take a good book so that you don't have to converse. Hopefully she was embarrassed and explains her lack of social etiquette.

whyamievenamazeddotcom · 05/09/2018 17:10

no there is nothing you should have or could have said differently she was being nasty so have nothing more to do with her - we all have a tendency to think we’ve said something to warrant other people’s bad behaviour toward us but really we need to stop self blaming ourselves for other peoples nastiness they will be nasty irrespective leave them to it ... x

golddustwomen · 05/09/2018 17:12

What a nasty twat. Some moms have never left the high school play ground !!

Thinkingofausername1 · 05/09/2018 17:26

I would have called her a rude bitch there and then!!!

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