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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this woman was a bitch?!

123 replies

Sugarplumdinosaur · 03/09/2018 10:15

So last week I was sitting in the waiting room of my daughter dance class, along with several of the other mums. They were all having a discussion around one of the children, whose birthday party had been held the weekend before. I am reasonably friendly with these mums when I see them each week, and my child gets on well with theirs. They were talking about all the "cool" presents the birthday child recieved, when the mum of the birthday child turned to me and said "oh and thanks so much for your gift (childs name) just loved it". I looked at her blankly and replied "I didn't know there was a party, we weren't there?"... awkward silence then she laughed and said "Oh thats right you weren't invited " before turning her back to me and continuing her talk with the other mums.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that was a bitchy thing to do? It felt like she set the conversation up to go that way, or do you think I am perhaps being too sensitive and perhaps she just felt embarrassed?

OP posts:

Havaina · 03/09/2018 11:17

NonaGrey

I’m sorry Juells but that really is a pretty paranoid point of view!

I have to say I think Juells has a point, as evinced by OP's last post. They're jealous as OP's DD gets more praise.

Or OP doesn't fit in in some other way.

InezGraves · 03/09/2018 11:19

Did you get an invitation? I find it extremely hard to believe that she “forgot” that she hadn’t invited you, or that you hadn’t been there and given a present.

I don't think it's all that unlikely if the OP and her child don't socialise outside the class with the other children and parents, but the other woman all do hang out away from the dance class -- the party mother may have been thinking everyone in the dance class must have been invited, before realising too late that she hadn't invited the OP's child.

incywincybitofa · 03/09/2018 11:20

I suspect there has been an invented or perceived slight
There was a mum like this at DSs old school she would intervene if other parents would even talk to us, if you spend too much time worrying about it, it will chew you up.
She left the school because the staff grew tired of her bullying ways. We left the school because there was just so much bullying going on the place was toxic.

NonaGrey · 03/09/2018 11:22

No, I've been on the receiving end of jibes like that on several occasions, and people have set them up to take me down a peg or two

The thing is Juells this woman didn’t take the OP down a peg or two.

All she did was embarrass herself hugely, in public, in front of her friends. Who laughed at her.

The OP was no doubt a but embarrassed too but only in a puzzled “well this is socially awkward way”.

I bet the other Mum is even now burning with shame.

The only person in this scenario who looks bad is the party Mum and she looks like an arse.

There’s no social capital for her here at all.

Yes, sometimes people are deliberately nasty. But that doesn’t mean that every time people are nasty that it’s deliberate.

Original poster

Sugarplumdinosaur · 03/09/2018 11:22

I don't fit in. I know that. I'm ok with that. But it sucks that someone would use that as motivation to be a bitch to me and to exclude my child. I've not done anything to warrant it, other than just be a bit socially awkward.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 03/09/2018 11:24

She knew very well, it wasen't some perceived slight, she knew that she did not invite you. As she told you that your dd was not invited. I think that she forgot that she did not invite your dd. But hey ho, she has made herself look stupid. Don't give it a moments thought.

Original poster

Sugarplumdinosaur · 03/09/2018 11:27

I think maybe she just felt embarrassed and tried to laugh it off, which only made it look worse. On the upside, my child was not bothered to have not been invited as we were busy that day anyway. I think I might be reading to much in to it. When I see them at dance this week I'll just be polite and friendly as usual. If something similar happens again I'll know it was intentional, hopefully it won't though.

OP posts:

NonaGrey · 03/09/2018 11:28

Pathetic and made herself look a stupid nasty bitch to everyone.

Well exactly Willow, she did make her self look nasty.

So why would you do that to yourself?

Juells · 03/09/2018 11:29

I know someone who was on the receiving end of this kind of bullying - being set up to be humiliated. It was in a situation that she didn't feel she could escape, and being dished out by someone she couldn't be rude to, so she was really trapped. She went for counselling finally, and found it a great help - the counsellor gave her various strategies, showed her how to identify what was happening, what the bully wanted to achieve from the set-up, and how not to let that be achieved at her expense. It's always about some little emotional fillip that the other person gets from putting you down, it builds up their own feeling of self-importance, at your expense. Eventually the person I know decided that she couldn't be bothered dealing with it, and removed herself from the situation.

Juells · 03/09/2018 11:32

PS - perhaps I'm seeing this through the lens of what my friend went through, and it may be as others have said, that she simply forgot. Don't want to project!

InezGraves · 03/09/2018 11:32

The only person in this scenario who looks bad is the party Mum and she looks like an arse.

There’s no social capital for her here at all.

This, exactly. There's absolutely no reason to have deliberately made herself, not you, look awful in front of her social group. Even assuming this woman is a profoundly unpleasant person, there's no capital in this interaction for her. I imagine she spent the rest of the day imagining the others saying 'Did you see PartyWoman's FACE when she realised she thanked someone for a birthday present when she hadn't invited them to the party?'

Or are you resenting the lack of birthday invitation, OP? If you'd known there was a party, would you have expected your DD to be invited -- is she close enough to the party child for you to have thought an invitation would be normal? Was every other child in the dance class invited?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/09/2018 11:33

Sniggering a bit thinking of how she'd have been shafted if you'd smiled sweetly and said "My pleasure" when she thanked you for the gift

I was thinking something along these lines - "I'm so glad she liked it. DD has one ad your Little X was always trying to borrow it from her! The number of times it's disappeared and turned up in X's bag because she forgot to give it back." (You might add a tinkly laugh*)

I wouldn't really say something like this (because it makes a child out to be sticky-fingered) - but I'd have loved to have seen her face!

*autocorrect put "tinkly lughole" - just caught it in time

Septembermummy1 · 03/09/2018 11:35

She sounds like a childish, like a teenage brat.

SaucyJack · 03/09/2018 11:35

“ the party mother may have been thinking everyone in the dance class must have been invited, before realising too late that she hadn't invited the OP's child.”

Nope.

If it was a genuine mistake, then party Mum would’ve had the “Oh shit- I forgot to invite MiniSugar” moment in her own head when Sugar walked through the door into the conversation about the party.

You might forget that you’ve seen someone at a party- but you don’t forget that you didn’t invite someone, and that they didn’t give you the present you’re thanking them for. That’s not really the way memory works in healthy adults of average intelligence.

Septembermummy1 · 03/09/2018 11:36

*like a childish teenage brat

Havaina · 03/09/2018 11:38

I think the woman did intend to humiliate OP. There was social capital in it for her, because most of her friends laughed along with her.

She has cemented herself in her crones' eyes as the queen bee.

Maybe she expected a more grovelling response from OP, hence the awkward silence?

InezGraves · 03/09/2018 11:42

But maybe PartyMother didn't forget to invite the OP's DD, maybe she just wasn't on her radar as they don't hang out outside of class, and all the other parents and children do. I can imagine easily enough PartyMother thinking 'Is there anyone I forgot to thank?' and then blurting out a thanks to the OP before realising she hadn't invited her DD, and trying to cover her tracks really clumsily rather than doing the decent thing and apologising.

This doesn't make her a particularly nice person, but it also doesn't necessarily make her the kind of Heathers Toxic Teenage Queen Bee some people seem to be constructing.

The OP will know best, obviously, but nothing she's said suggests to me any deliberate intent to humiliate, especially as the only one humiliated was her.

Havaina · 03/09/2018 11:47

Inez, OP has said she doesn't fit in and is socially awkward. People like this woman can spot people like OP a mile away and bolster their own self-esteem by trying to bring OP down.

If she has made a genuine mistake, she would have said 'I'm so sorry that I forgot to invite your DD', not 'oh that's right, you weren't invited were you' followed by laughing with her friends.

Birdsgottafly · 03/09/2018 11:47

""All she did was embarrass herself hugely, in public, in front of her friends. Who laughed at her. ""

You obviously haven't come across people like them.

""There’s no social capital for her here at all.""

There are people who get off on scapegoating one person, in a group. They then show that they are so much better than them and their cronies are right, that they are better than the scapegoat, by taking the piss, in a blatant manner, so they can all have a laugh.

OP, I find "pity the age that you behave, doesn't match the age your face looks", does the trick.

Also laugh at loud at her.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/09/2018 11:48

maybe she just wasn't on her radar as they don't hang out outside of class, and all the other parents and children do

In that case, why not say "I'm so sorry - I thought we'd invited the whole class. I feel awful about missing out your DD."

Or similar. That's what I would have done. (In fact, even if I'd deliberately excluded a child for some genuine reason, I would have said this. What dance mum said seems deliberately goady and unkind to me.)

eggstoast · 03/09/2018 11:51

I think automatically assuming she's done it deliberately is paranoid thinking and juells you are projecting your own experience on to the op.
Only time will tell if she's done it in an attempt to humiliate you, but good on you for unintentionally calling her out if it was deliberate. I doubt she'll try and do it again. Passive aggressive people like that don't like confrontation.

InezGraves · 03/09/2018 11:54

I'd certainly have apologise, and felt awful, but it's perfectly possible that PartyMother is socially-awkward/not particularly thoughtful/not good at thinking on her feet/shit with words/let her daughter do the inviting, so doesn't feel responsible for not inviting the OP's child.

I realise I'm sounding like an apologist for PartyMother I'm not, she doesn't sound particularly nice to be around, however one interprets her behaviour! I just don't see anything that indicates actual malicious intent rather than just being a bit rude/socially clumsy.

londonrach · 03/09/2018 11:57

Why would anyone say that. They look abit stupid. If her friends want to stay friends after that...well be grateful you not friends with them. Vv strange

Willow2017 · 03/09/2018 12:00

So why would you do that to yourself?
Because people will find other people who will fawn over a "queen bee" no matter how bitchy they are as long as its not them they are making fun of.
Only one of the group rolled her eyes the rest carried on chatying to 'QB' and laughing.

You see enough threads on here about this behaviour its not uncommon.

NonaGrey · 03/09/2018 12:03

Regardless of the Party Mum’s intent (which we can’t know however long we debate it) I’d still advise the OP to breeze in next week, smiley and behave completely normally.

Let her feel awkward and embarrassed OP, you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

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