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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to f***ing help for once?!

79 replies

l0stmummy · 02/09/2018 22:49

I'm rather p*ed off at the moment, sorry in advance. I'm a stay at home mum, so it's just me and DD at home most of the time. I do a bit of computer work a few hours a week but mainly I just look after DD (9mos) and the house. Now honestly, I've been a bit laid back with the house work recently. I've been struggling with depression, but keep on top of the washing, the dishes, hoovering etc. and the house is clean enough. But every day without fail DH moans that I've not done something. I completely blitzed DDs bedroom about a week ago, cleared out all the old clothes to be donated, washed all the surfaces, tidied up all the toys, etc. I hadn't been keeping on top of it and I just kept putting off doing it. But I finally did it and I was really proud of myself. I didn't expect a celebration from DH but I would atleast like a little acknowledgement of the things I did do instead of immediately pointing out every little flaw and everything I didn't do. Every day he will walk in and point out what I should've done instead of noticing I tried.

So my DF is visiting tomorrow, and it'll be the first time he's seen us since DD was born. I'm very nervous as DF likes to point out all the negatives in everything, and all I want to do is impress him for once. I've always been his least favourite of 4 children, so I feel like I need to earn his affection and time.

Im worried about tomorrow so I started panickedly cleaning the house. DH just sat and played his computer. DD was bored of watching mummy clean but daddy was busy so she just screamed until I played with her so couldnt clean up anymore. I asked him to help or look after DD so he watched her out of the corner of his eye. When DD went to bed, instead of helping me he went back to his fucking game. I.asked could he give me a hand and he said why should he when hes going to be at work and it's his weekend off he doesn't want to be cleaning.

AIBU to ask for his help on his weekend off?? I'm getting real fed up of always having to do everything. It's either I just finished work, I'm tired. Or it's my day off i need a break. (He's a plumber)

OP posts:

coconutpie · 02/09/2018 22:52

It's not "help". It's his fair share of the workload. If you split up, he'd have to do his own bloody cleaning. If he gets 2 days off at the weekend, ask him what 2 days you get off to play computer games? What a selfish twat.

Maelstrop · 02/09/2018 22:56

He’s her parent too. He should have been actively looking after her. Wanker.

WhiteVixen · 02/09/2018 22:58

Sounds like you've just replaced your dad with your husband. Of course he should pull his weight, he lives there too, and is also your daughter's parent. Working eight hours a day does not absolve him of any other responsibility the minute he clocks off from his job. It's called being a fucking adult. What exactly do you get out of the relationship?

OwlinaTree · 02/09/2018 23:00

Start making the move to go back to work. Then the housework can be shared 50/50.

Original poster

l0stmummy · 02/09/2018 23:01

I love him. But he drives me insane. I feel like I have two children instead of one. Although he does cook occasionally so it's not all bad I suppose.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2018 23:02

Your husband is a fucking twat. I think it's high time to realise that you are his wife, not his mother. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?

BeefyCakes · 02/09/2018 23:02

Sod that for a game of soldiers. You've married a twat.

It's his house too, he gets to share the burden of housework and child care. Why should you work 24/7?

I bet he's a twat in other ways too.

puzzledlady · 02/09/2018 23:03

Nah - your husband is useless. It’s 50/50 always. Keep an eye on his own daughter while he plays on his computer? Is he a teen?????

NotTakenUsername · 02/09/2018 23:05

Raise the bar

Outnotdown · 02/09/2018 23:05

He sounds quite similar to your father. He also sounds like a shit partner. He should be doing half of the chores when he's off work, plain and simple. And the constant criticism would be a deal breaker for me.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 02/09/2018 23:06

He needs to bloody well step up. How dare he fanny about playable computer games while you’re busting a gut to get everything done, and then have the temerity to criticise?

I also agree: he and your father sound as if they are cut from the same cloth. Arses the pair of them.

annandale · 02/09/2018 23:08

What can i tell you?

The most hopeful thing is that your dd is 9 months old and some absolutely shit fathers do get a lot better when the dc can talk. But right now, he's a shit father. Right now, he's also a shit husband, but at least you're an adult, you have married a critical arse like your dad but you chose that. Your dd didn't.

Ask him what he thought fatherhood would be like. When is he going to make friends with his dd, interact with her, slend time with her? Does he think parental relationships just happen? He clearly doesn't see or value your 24/7 parenting, what does he think he is doing?

Original poster

l0stmummy · 02/09/2018 23:10

Thing that bugs me most (while I'm on a ramble) is when he says that it's easy to do what I do, and that he would happily quit work and look after DD full time. That it's a walk in the park and I should look for a job that pays equal/higher than his.

(I'd also like to point out I went to stay with my mum when she was sick and he looked after DD. I came back and the house was, for lack of a better word, a fucking pigsty. So that ideas off the table straight away!)

He's a good dad, but only when hes in the mood, same for husband too.

OP posts:

LoisCommonDenominator84 · 02/09/2018 23:19

Actually he’s not a good dad. Good dads don’t play video games when they are meant to be responsible for a young baby. Good dads share the childcare and domestic tasks when they’re not at work. Good dads support the mothers of their children, and don’t put them down all the time.

What you have on your hands is a useless piece of shit.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 02/09/2018 23:22

"It's a walk in the park?" Yet it's too much for him to do after he's been working. So, clearly not that easy then.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 02/09/2018 23:23

He's a good dad, but only when hes in the mood

Er....unfortunately, to be a good parent, you have to do it when you're NOT in the mood. It's one of those things where you're never actually off shift.

Sorry, I know you know this, but it sounds as though you think it applies only to you. You wouldn't consider yourself a good mother in general if you did it only when you felt like it, so don't give him that leeway.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 02/09/2018 23:23

Oh and as for this SAHPing being easy...bollocks. If it were that much of a doss, most men would do it and we all know it.

Horridhenry88 · 02/09/2018 23:26

Yanbu.

InionEile · 02/09/2018 23:28

So he does nothing at all at in the house? Just because you are the stay-at-home parent, it doesn't mean that all the weight of the housework falls to you. You have a 9-month old to look after and that is a 24-7 job, unlike your DH who presumably works 40 hours a week in his paid employment. If he gets two entire days at the weekend to relax and do nothing, how is that fair? You are entitled to downtime as well.

Wait until your 9 month old is 19 months old and running all over the house creating chaos as she goes, then the house really will be a tip so if he's annoyed now, it's only going to get worse as your daughter gets older. Long term, he will need to step up on the domestic front.

For now, you have to just deal with your situation and clean as best as you can before your father arrives. For the long term, however, you need to have a frank conversation with your DH and tell him that you are not an unpaid skivvy. If he doesn't like how clean the house is, tell him to clean it himself.

You are not his employee - your job is caring for your daughter and you are at home for her sake, not for his. If all else fails, just go back to work and that will force him to take on more responsibility.

pallisers · 02/09/2018 23:30

I'm very nervous as DF likes to point out all the negatives in everything

I think you married a man just like your father tbh (a lot of us do - mine was lovely so I don't mind it but it was a few years into marriage I realised how like my dad dh was)

But every day without fail DH moans that I've not done something.

See I'd go ballistic at this - have a full-out "how fucking dare you critique how I spend my days minding YOUR child you ass" fight. People take you at your own valuation - don't let him value your job minding a 9 month old baby any less than his job.

Minding a 9 month old is a full-time job. I know because I paid people to mind my 9 month olds (3 of them) - they didn't do housework or cleaning out rooms or anything at the same time. Just minded my baby. which was plenty.

get angry, OP. And at the same time stop trying to impress your overly critical father. he should be trying to impress you. Stop falling all over him and you might get a better result. I wish you well.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 02/09/2018 23:30

YABVVVVVU to ask him to help. You would not be U to tell him he has responsibilities around the house - it should not fall 100 percent on you. He lives there and uses it as well as you and dd so he should have some responsibility for keeping it clean and tidy too.

It might be his weekend off work, but it's not his weekend off running a house and keeping it clean and tidy, that doesn't stop. Do you get a weekend off? If he gets time off cleaning and tidying a house he lives in what about you? Maybe start claiming your statutory minimum 4 weeks paid holiday a year and ask for bank holidays too! Is he really expecting to work his hours out of the home then relax when not doing his job, but expecting you to be responsible for the house 24 hours a day without a break or help?

As for the attitude he has with focussing on the stuff that isn't done rather than being thankful etc for the stuff that is, how would he feel if that's all he heard? "Oooh, you haven't picked up that O ring off the floor and wiped up your dirty footprint." from a customer, when he has spent four hours cramped under their kitchen sink stuck in their cupboard trying to fix a leak. He would get a bit fed up of that if that's all he got day in day out. Methinks an attitude implant is needed for your husband.

(How can you tell I have had to have a go at my dh recently about similar things?)

C8H10N4O2 · 02/09/2018 23:31

He's a good dad, but only when hes in the mood, same for husband too.

Then sorry, but neither are good Dads. Good Dads know they are parents even when they don't feel like it and don't consider themselves to be "helping" when doing basic parenting of their own child.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 02/09/2018 23:32

OP, have you married your father by any chance?

Fluffyears · 02/09/2018 23:35

So when do you get 2 days to sit on your arse? Hmm thought so, he either pulls his weight or he leaves, DH knows that it is the deal here we’re partners.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 02/09/2018 23:40

Sounds like you've just replaced your dad with your husband
^^this. They both sound horrendous.

I won't say LTB but if you do you might find a partner who actually treats you with respect and your daughter won't grow up to marry a man like your DH and spend her life trying to impress him..

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