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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to f***ing help for once?!

79 replies

l0stmummy · 02/09/2018 22:49

I'm rather p*ed off at the moment, sorry in advance. I'm a stay at home mum, so it's just me and DD at home most of the time. I do a bit of computer work a few hours a week but mainly I just look after DD (9mos) and the house. Now honestly, I've been a bit laid back with the house work recently. I've been struggling with depression, but keep on top of the washing, the dishes, hoovering etc. and the house is clean enough. But every day without fail DH moans that I've not done something. I completely blitzed DDs bedroom about a week ago, cleared out all the old clothes to be donated, washed all the surfaces, tidied up all the toys, etc. I hadn't been keeping on top of it and I just kept putting off doing it. But I finally did it and I was really proud of myself. I didn't expect a celebration from DH but I would atleast like a little acknowledgement of the things I did do instead of immediately pointing out every little flaw and everything I didn't do. Every day he will walk in and point out what I should've done instead of noticing I tried.

So my DF is visiting tomorrow, and it'll be the first time he's seen us since DD was born. I'm very nervous as DF likes to point out all the negatives in everything, and all I want to do is impress him for once. I've always been his least favourite of 4 children, so I feel like I need to earn his affection and time.

Im worried about tomorrow so I started panickedly cleaning the house. DH just sat and played his computer. DD was bored of watching mummy clean but daddy was busy so she just screamed until I played with her so couldnt clean up anymore. I asked him to help or look after DD so he watched her out of the corner of his eye. When DD went to bed, instead of helping me he went back to his fucking game. I.asked could he give me a hand and he said why should he when hes going to be at work and it's his weekend off he doesn't want to be cleaning.

AIBU to ask for his help on his weekend off?? I'm getting real fed up of always having to do everything. It's either I just finished work, I'm tired. Or it's my day off i need a break. (He's a plumber)

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 02/09/2018 23:42

What you said about your father really jumped out at me - also the bit about so hoping that your husband would chuck a few crumbs your way by noticing the effort you'd made on DD's bedroom.

Now. Is this what you want for DD, when she's a new mother?

arethereanyleftatall · 02/09/2018 23:55

You have written your op and follow up responses as if you're just having a little rant about 'men, huh'.
I think you must have very low self esteem to not realise what an arse your dh is.
How dare he criticise you?

Original poster

l0stmummy · 03/09/2018 00:08

I think maybe I'm afraid of losing him. I just want to make him happy. But at the same time I hate doing the same stuff every day. Knowing that he will leave at 7. And I will essentially wait until 5 when he walks through the door and says "seriously babe, again? It's not that hard to keep on top of. Oh and . And . And I know I keep going on about it but _. It's not really acceptable. I don't want to be coming home and tidying up when you've not done much."

Every day I mentally prepare myself to let him down again I think... Scary to think about..

OP posts:

Original poster

l0stmummy · 03/09/2018 00:13

Ive never even compared DH to DF... But yes there are alot of similarities in their personalities

OP posts:

DoJo · 03/09/2018 00:16

That sounds exhausting. He's supposed to live you and your daughter more than anything in the world and instead of being thrilled to be home, spending time with you, he's going out of his way to focus his attention on the negative.

Not to mention the fact that if it's so easy to do, why can't he? It can't be so easy to look after your daughter that you did be able to do it while keeping the house immaculate but so hard that he can't be expected to do either around his job.

YouBetterWORK · 03/09/2018 00:19

I wouldn't be afraid to lose him OP, he's a deadweight arsehole. Tell him to get to fuck. And yes to pp, it's not 'help' - it's doing his share, as he SHOULD be.

FetchezLaVache · 03/09/2018 00:19

Oh, lovely - I send you virtual hugs.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a 'partnership' in which making your husband happy consists of not actually giving him anything to fucking complain about when he comes home at 5 to do a white-glove test? If it is the piece of piss he reckons it is to keep the house pristine whilst entertaining an increasingly independent baby, why can't he even look after her for an hour when you want him to? If he would happily be the SAHP, why isn't he the SAHP? If he works 40 hrs a week, how many do you work? (Clue: there are 168 hrs in a week).

If I were you, I'd fuck off for the weekend to stay with an old friend at least 100 miles away and let him see for himself how utterly relentless it is caring for a 9 month old.

for you, because it doesn't sound like there is anyone in your life who's unconditionally on your side.

6triesbuttingout · 03/09/2018 00:38

Haha get yourself away for a weekend and see how easy it thinks it is then. Arse

ReanimatedSGB · 03/09/2018 00:42

I'm so sorry. Because your father is a woman-hating prick you have grown up believing that men are the bosses of women and entitled to demand flawless domestic service and obedience - so you have married a woman-hating prick.
You might be able to educate your H. Start by telling him that if the house isn't tidy enough, he can do some tidying. He doesn't get to give you orders. the best thing to do with your father is laugh at him when he's critical; say 'Shut up, you old dinosaur, there's more to life than housework'. He's not your boss, not your owner. It doesn't matter what he thinks.

thebewilderness · 03/09/2018 00:49

How you sort out the division of labor is up to you and your partner.

I want to talk about the constant criticism. I strongly recommend that you tell your DH that the constant criticism from him is damaging your relationship. Tell your F the same when he starts in.
Many people think it is harmless. They need to be told it is not harmless.

Original poster

l0stmummy · 03/09/2018 01:05

I've tried saying that it's not okay to constantly put me down, to point out the negatives all the time, when Im trying so hard to keep on top of the house work, and looking after DD, and appointments, and shopping, and bills, etc. All while feeling like I don't even want to get out of bed.

OP posts:

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 03/09/2018 01:05

I think DH is getting a bad press here.
Op is clearly anxious about Df coming and so is panic cleaning. DH couldn’t give a rats cos he’s having his weekend.
Op, you’ve got a9 month old, surely your dad will understand if you haven’t dusted in between the stair posts with a cotton bud?

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 03/09/2018 01:06

Aaah just caught up here

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 03/09/2018 01:09

I really fucking hate when I read a post, think about it, then stick in my 2 penith worth, only to find op has posted again with information that renders my humble opinion absolutely fucking pointless.

Original poster

l0stmummy · 03/09/2018 01:09

I will say he's more cooperative and helpful when sex is on the table but who'd want to have sex with somebody who makes you feel like shit on the daily.

OP posts:

thebewilderness · 03/09/2018 01:30

He said he shouldn't have to praise me for doing things any normal person should be expected to do. That he just notices the things that he expects of me that haven't been done. It's draining. Like talking to a brick wall.
So he views you as a servant instead of a partner? Criminy!
If you told him it is damaging your relationship and he does not care that pretty much tells you everything you need to know.
Now you need to make a plan.

Original poster

l0stmummy · 03/09/2018 01:33

I don't even know what to do from here

OP posts:

BigBlueBubble · 03/09/2018 01:39

So he works as a plumber 9-5 and you work the same hours doing childcare. Fair enough, you’re both working. And on evenings and weekends you share everything else that needs to be done. Why should you work 168 hours a week while he only works 40 hours? You should get the same number of days off that he does!

My DH is a lot like yours. If I did 9 things he’d whinge that I hadn’t done 10. My cleaning isn’t good enough- but I’m apparently good enough to raise his child. I used to hide the washing up in the oven when he was due home because I didn’t want to be shouted at for not doing it. Now I leave it - if he doesn’t like it he can do it himself. If he whinges I tell him to fuck off. It hasn’t helped our relationship but it’s great for my self esteem.

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 03/09/2018 01:48

This is probably not helpful but you could try doing to him what he does to you - "seriously babe, can't you keep an eye on DD for a bit; it's not that hard" etc etc etc. What thebewilderness said is much more helpful :)

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2018 03:47

If you have finally realised that you've married a manchild replica of your dad, you know what to do. Unless you want to be kicked like a dog for the rest of your life. LTB. Please believe you are worth far more than this.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 03/09/2018 07:50

I don't even know what to do from here

Yes you do. You have a choice. You always have a choice. It may be a hard choice but it's a choice.

By staying with him, you will be getting this hateful, misogynistic, negging shit (there are still men who neg? I seriously thought it had gone out of style.) for the rest of your life and it will be amplified once you have a baby. He's not going to get better with age, either. And do you want a son or daughter being brought up like this?

Start a thread on the Relationships board where you will find lots and lots of women who have been in similar situations who can give you great practical advice.

Remember when Cindi Lauper sang: "Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world"? This is exactly what she was talking about.

You still have you, get out while you've got that. The longer you stay, the more you will disappear.

TwoOddSocks · 03/09/2018 08:00

I also felt that you'd replaced a critical, unhelpful dad that makes you feel bad about yourself for a similar husband.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 03/09/2018 08:09

He's not a good dad or a good husband. He's an absolute dick.
He speaks to you like you're one of his staff. Who the hell do he think he is telling you what he expects you to do and what he finds acceptable.

The way he's treating you is in no way acceptable. Your job is to look after the child while he's at work but when he gets home it should be 50/50. Do you ever get a break? Does ever do any solo childcare?

Truckingonandon · 03/09/2018 08:10

He's a bully. He comes home and sets about having a go at you, criticising you and putting you down. He's not going to change, no matter what you say or do, so only you can decide if you want to continue to be a domestic appliance (in his eyes).

grasspigeons · 03/09/2018 08:18

I think that since looking after a baby is very easy and a walk in the park, he should really focus on looking after the baby when he is at home. You don't want him to miss out on all the baby time just because he is earning money in the day. Its even more important he uses this time to bond.

As for cleaning and tidying - well I do think its the stay at home parents job to do more of this stuff, but not all of it as a lot of it is just part of life, like putting your own things away, wiping tables down etc and I think if someone you love is struggling then you help them whether its an equal split or not.

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