AIBU to ask DH to f***ing help for once?!

[l0stmummy]

I'm rather p*ed off at the moment, sorry in advance. I'm a stay at home mum, so it's just me and DD at home most of the time. I do a bit of computer work a few hours a week but mainly I just look after DD (9mos) and the house. Now honestly, I've been a bit laid back with the house work recently. I've been struggling with depression, but keep on top of the washing, the dishes, hoovering etc. and the house is clean enough. But every day without fail DH moans that I've not done something. I completely blitzed DDs bedroom about a week ago, cleared out all the old clothes to be donated, washed all the surfaces, tidied up all the toys, etc. I hadn't been keeping on top of it and I just kept putting off doing it. But I finally did it and I was really proud of myself. I didn't expect a celebration from DH but I would atleast like a little acknowledgement of the things I did do instead of immediately pointing out every little flaw and everything I didn't do. Every day he will walk in and point out what I should've done instead of noticing I tried.

So my DF is visiting tomorrow, and it'll be the first time he's seen us since DD was born. I'm very nervous as DF likes to point out all the negatives in everything, and all I want to do is impress him for once. I've always been his least favourite of 4 children, so I feel like I need to earn his affection and time.

Im worried about tomorrow so I started panickedly cleaning the house. DH just sat and played his computer. DD was bored of watching mummy clean but daddy was busy so she just screamed until I played with her so couldnt clean up anymore. I asked him to help or look after DD so he watched her out of the corner of his eye. When DD went to bed, instead of helping me he went back to his fucking game. I.asked could he give me a hand and he said why should he when hes going to be at work and it's his weekend off he doesn't want to be cleaning.

AIBU to ask for his help on his weekend off?? I'm getting real fed up of always having to do everything. It's either I just finished work, I'm tired. Or it's my day off i need a break. (He's a plumber)

Remind him of the time you were sick and stayed at your mum's while he looked after his dd. Why was the house a pigsty on your return of it's so damn easy to keep on top of things? Remind him of this every time he criticises you about the housework. Tell him you might give him another chance to prove how easy it is to do everything with a little one by going away again for a week or 2....

Or take to your bed for a few days with a tummy bug and let him take over and watch the chaos unfold.

Seriously OP you need to get strong and stop putting up with his nonsense. Read what Bigbluebubble said up thread and tell your him to f off and do it himself. After all it's really not that hard babe...

Or you could just tell him to get out of your life and leave you in peace and go live in a bachelor pad and game and wank himself to oblivion.

He's not a good dad or a good husband. He's a lazy, selfish fucker.

Time to sit him and down and tell him that things change from today. Write a list of what you expect him to do. Laminate it and put it on the fridge.

If he disagrees or pulls his face then you have two choices. Put up with him taking advantage of you and carry on doing everything or leave him.

He sounds like a complete and utter sexist twat OP, sorry. Men with no respect for women and “women’s work” are not worth a jot of respect themselves. He’d get a shock if it was suddenly him at home with DD all day!

I’d be seriously considering LTB, to be brutally honest. I’m fuming for you.

The more I think about it, the more I'm really feeling for your OP.

I hope you get through your Dads visit and then can have a day or two to think about things going forward.

Doesn't sound like post natal depression, sounds more like pre divorce depression.

He doesn't help round the house, he doesn't treat you nicely, he doesn't actively engage in family life, you don't have a great sex life, he doesn't boost your self esteem. Wtf are you doing with him?

Obviously your dh is being totally U.
A suggestion for how to approach the situation is to stand up to him, in a non confrontational way. Easier said than done, but let him criticise and shrug it off.
Eg he arrives in and says 'why isn't the washing up done', reply that your haven't got round to it, if it bothers him he can do it, if he isn't going to then you will when you have time / it reaches the top of your to do list. Try to keep it breezy.

By changing your response, you can change the dynamic in your relationship. He may adjust, come around to realising that he is being unreasonable / moaning isn't going to achieve anything.

Or he might not, in which case you have a bigger problem.
Good luck OP. Don't let the bastards get you down!

l0stmummy I'm wondering exactly what it is about your H that makes you love him and want to spend the next forty, fifty years with him ?

Your bar is really low if you think he's a good father and husband. He really isn't. It's understandable though, as your dad trained you to be like this. Stop trying to impress your dad, it will never happen, whatever you do.

And stop putting up with this shit from your husband, get angry at him.

Ultimately, unless you want to spend the rest of your life living with a man who constantly puts you down, and have your DD grow up and marry a man like her dad, history repeating itself, you're going to have to leave.

Because your father is a woman-hating prick you have grown up believing that men are the bosses of women and entitled to demand flawless domestic service and obedience - so you have married a woman-hating prick.

My thoughts exactly.

If he thinks he's entitled to a day off, you get a day off, too. That's only fair. On your day off, go out and leave him to do everything, then come back and have a go at him about what he hasn't done.

Then LTB.

And the cycle continues. You married your Dad and as you haven’t realised after all these years, just like your Dad, your not so dear H will never be happy.

This is who your H is and if it wasn’t x or y, it most certainly would be z that wasn’t up to scratch. You have a choice now that you didn’t have when growing up with a critical man child and that’s limiting your exposure to it, do you really want your DD to repeat your childhood feelings of inadequacy and failure? Hell, you’ve an adult now and you are still stuck trying to please your Dad, is that what you want for your adult DD?

Don’t stay stuck wanting your H to be someone he isn’t.

You are not letting him down - he is to you by not being a good partner

Truthfully though you need to look at the fact that you are continuing it by marrying your dad and the implications of staying for your daughter and what she is seeing

Lazy bastard. What are you, his mum? Stop doing his washing, ironing, cooking, etc. Because you've been working all day too. Answer all questions about where his stuff it with "I have no idea" or "wherever you left it". If asked what's for dinner, say "whatever you're making". This method (always delivered very nicely as though everything is completely normal) worked a treat for me.

Do not write a list of jobs for him, laminate it and put it on the fridge. Jesus H Christ. This is a grown man we're talking about. He's a plumber, so he's clearly not a total doofus. If you can be a plumber, then you can work out how to wash dishes, use a washing machine, etc. Don't do the mental load as well as everything else. You're not his mum, his manager or his teacher - you're his equal partner, supposedly.

Hi OP - you married your father and I suggest you go to counselling to get to the route of this. I heard we marry the opposite sex parent. He’s a bully and feels entitled to say these things. You will never get it right with him - if the house was absolutely spotless IT WOULD NOT BE ENOUGH. I would start by saying “well if you don’t like it here you are more than welcome to leave” “this is how it is” or “Fuck off - who do you think you are”
Re your Father - if he critises you I’d either say “how is that helpful” or “if it’s not good enough your more than welcome to leave”.
I feel for you - they both have you cowed down begging for scraps of approval. You really don’t need their approval - don’t give them the power. I was knackered being at home with a baby and I just about washed up and put the washing on.
You are doing a great job.

OP, I am sending you all the hugs. But you are in an abusive relationship and you and your daughter deserve better. He has absolutely no right to come home and belittle you and how you've spent your day. Babies are hard work, as is running a house and managing your depression - you are doing brilliantly.

My advice? Go stay somewhere that isn't with him for a week, and really think about whether you want your DH to set this type of example for your daughter. Yeah working is tiring, but as someone else said, 8-10 hours work a day doesn't absolve you of any and all responsiblity within the home! Parenting is a 24/7 job and he isn't doing any of it.

I would love you to hand him your daughter and the hoovering or washing to do, and go out with friends for the evening and see how easy he finds it.

What a prick he is.

HRTFT

You need to grow a thicker skin. I never cared about housework, and never cared who criticised the state of my house. Didn't give a shit. Not-giving-a-shit takes the power away from those (always men!) who want to make you feel bad that you're not doing your womanly duty. Next time your husband or FF criticises say "so what?".

I went to the funeral of a friend's MiL, Catholic church, her grandchildren traipsed up the aisle carrying things that defined her for them, and the things were all about fucking housekeeping and servicing important people like MEN.

Sorry for the rant, but why does anyone think they were put on this earth to clean up after everyone else? Men don't think that, only women do. If your DH's father came into the house, would he start criticising your H if it was messy, even if the mess was made by your H? Of course he wouldn't.

You’re not letting him down OP. But you are letting yourself and your daughter down by tolerating this behaviour from him and being a doormat because you “just want to make him happy”. What about your happiness?

Nothing you do will make him happy because he’s not really behaving like this because you haven’t done the dishes. He’s doing it because he likes putting you down and keeping your self esteem low so you’re always scrabbling around trying to please him and are less likely to leave him for fear that nobody else will think you’re good enough.

Please read all these posts and know that normal relationships between men and women are not like this and you can do so, so much better for yourself and your DD xx

I had one like that. Used to come in from his very easy, stress-free job (via the pub) and tell me all the things I should have done and that looking after newborn twins was easy (never even changed a nappy or gave a feed).

Eventually, I got rid but I wish I'd done it sooner.

I can't think why you're afraid of losing him as he doesn't sound like much of a catch. Is he hung like a horse and as rich as Croesus?

My ex used to be like that - I was struggling with depression and would feel quite proud of myself when I managed (e.g.) to clear all the crap off the table. He would say "yeah but what about the , that stilll needs doing" or "but the rest of the room still looks a mess". I'd think "Why did I bother? He's not pleased. All that effort for nothing."

My current DH would say "Oh, you've cleared the table; it looks so much better, well done! What are you going to work on next?" and I'd feel encouraged and uplifted and it motivated me to carry on.

There's a reason why my ex is an ex.

I don't even know what to do from here

This realisation is going to be very overwhelming, please pop over to relationship. There's women there who have been through this and can advise you on what to do.

Thank you all. DF left about an hour ago, and DH just got home. Left a note on the fridge for DH this morning saying "please take the rubbish out and put the washing in before you leave. Love you x" got up and it was done which was nice. DF has his normal grumble but was relatively ok. He made a comment about the windows being dirty (really!) but I just told him I don't have time but he's welcome to do it. Also made comments about my weight (as he always does) but im trying to ignore it.

DH hasn't made any comments about the state of the house- I mean there's nothing to moan about after the deep clean. He is currently sat playing with DD. Asked what's for dinner. I said I don't mind, whatever is easier for him to do. He seems a bit grumpy about that but hasn't said anything yet. Hoping this will be the start of something better

He sounds like a bully chipping away at your self-esteem. These things happen small and slowly but over years can completely take away your ability to have confidence in yourself.
A partner should be someone who is your team mate, lifts you up when you're down (and vice-versa).
I hope things get better for you and I also hope that if they don't you can find it in yourself to decide you deserve better and so does your daughter.

I won’t be popular for saying this but it’s the same as the whole ‘should he get up in the night’ debate. As the SAHP I would say that the housework/ childcare is no longer a 50/50 split. To expect to split things equally whilst one of you works full time and one stays at home is very unreasonable and to your advantage.

Do I think your DH is as ass for pointing out what you ‘didn’t do’ everyday - YES he’s a total douche and that’s not on!

Do I think he should have instantly given up his computer downtime post work to help you clean for your DF’s visit - No I think you were being unreasonable. He’s entitled to some downtime although should have perhaps leant a hand in the morning.

@IAmAllAstonishment
This particular thread hasn't really been about the division of labour. More the treatment of the op from her husband.

You married a textbook abuser.

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