What age do you think daughter should stop sharing bed with father?

[refusetobeasheep]

What's the consensus? my ex still shares bed with our DD when she stays over, i do not have any concerns something irregular going on but I do think there is an age when this is no longer appropriate. What age do you think it should stop so I can get an idea on consensus?

Wow. I think she should have a room set up all nicely and be asked if she wants to sleep in it!!!

So sorry tammy

TammySwansonTwo I am so sorry.

Whether a person as an adult is willing to share a bed with their mum is a totally different dynamic to a 7 year old girl and her father, IMHO.

My DD16 recently shared a kingsize bed with her dad when they stayed a night in a hotel together. He would have booked a twin had the hotel had one, but they didn't and neither of them thought any more of it until they checked in and staff referred to our daughter as "your... er.... partner"!
I guess it's slightly different in your case in that sharing is a regular thing, but if she's not worried about it, I wouldn't be.

When my parents split up I was 12. When I spent a night at my dads house I got into bed with him and cuddled him because I missed him so much

My DS is 7 and a half like your DD, and he likes to sleep in my bed with me. At that age I wouldn’t even think of it as inappropriate whether it’s a boy/girl, mum/dad. I actually see it as a non issue to be honest.

TheHollowLeggedGoat "I guess it's slightly different in your case in that sharing is a regular thing, but if she's not worried about it, I wouldn't be." So the onus is on the child of 7 to know whether or not this is appropriate?

I'm surprised so many people cannot see any dangers in this and are equating it with situations where the child has other options.

My dd is nearly 10 and I would have no qualms about husband getting in bed with her, but she does suffer from nightmares and whoever wakes up when she comes into our room gets in bed with her.

But anything older Than now would make us both uncomfortable. We have actually discussed if she wakes up, I will get in with her now

Our bed is open all hours! All of ours (9,11,12,14) get in from time to time. 22 year old DSD also does of an evening when needing advice or a bit of tlc. But (the important bit) they have a choice! They all have a bed of their own. All kids should have this beyond toddler years

I'm surprised so many people cannot see any dangers in this and are equating it with situations where the child has other options

It's hard to tell whether she does or not.

"There is an extra room he's never made it hers, they just share. she is perfectly happy to at present".

Does that mean the spare room is full of junk and her dad has said she can make it into a bedroom one day if she likes (i.e. not much choice), or does it mean it's a perfectly fine bedroom, but it just doesn't have her favourite bed covers (i.e. she has a bedroom but really is 'perfectly happy' to share with her dad)? Only OP knows I guess.

When she doesn't want to. Simple. Not when you think it's wrong. You still co sleep. It's up to them to decide that. You don't need to be involved. Your comment about her being uncomfortable telling him........subtext sounds like you want to start telling her she's uncomfortable doing it. Until or unless she brings it up with you- you don't get to have a say. Would you appreciate it if he decided it wasn't suitable and that she had to sleep in her bed all night at yours, if they did the same?

I remember stopping in the bed with my dad when I was younger, we'd often watch our favourite films in bed. He died last year & now when I go to visit my mum I'll stop in the bed with her. I'm 23 and nothing beats a cuddle with my mum

SD1978 "Not when you think it's wrong." So a mum doesn't get to decide if something may be a safeguarding issue?

"You don't need to be involved." Most parents do feel concerned for their kids though.

"Your comment about her being uncomfortable telling him........subtext sounds like you want to start telling her she's uncomfortable doing it. Until or unless she brings it up with you- you don't get to have a say."

This is all completely wrong, IMHO, we do not wait for kids to raise concerns about issues in their lives, we look at situations and see if we think they are safe or appropriate.

There is another room that could be used but it sounds like it is not being used a bedroom for the daughter, e.g. the father has not set the room up with a bed etc. Is that the case OP?

In terms of having a room, thinking of a purely hypothetical child and parent, why would a parent not want a child to have their own room when they visited? Surely the parent would want the child to feel at home.

OP the fact your daughter is so hot on you knocking when you go to her room in her house suggests to me having no privacy at her dad's would be really hard for her.

Hypothetically speaking, to me, it sounds like the parent is either too lazy to bother setting up the room, or doesn't see why a child would need a room in a place they visit weekly or whenever, or the parent is getting emotional support from sharing a bed, or something more sinister.

Sharing a bed as an adult with another adult by consent, whether one is related to them or not, is not a safeguarding issue.

I think for children this could well be a safeguarding issue. It's not a child coming in because of nightmares, or sharing a bed with both parents.

What about reverse? Mother and son?

W good friend of mine has a son who is 13. He still sleeps with her. He has his own room but he doesn't sleep there.

Hypothetically speaking, to me I am thinking of a hypothetical child here, and the reasons why a parent would simply not set up a room for their child when they visited, if there is a room to use.

DD started getting conscious of modesty, not stripping off in front of the family, when she was 8. She's never come into our bed, but I think she'd have stopped around then.

sawbucks 'What about reverse? Mother and son?

W good friend of mine has a son who is 13. He still sleeps with her. He has his own room but he doesn't sleep there.'

A 13 year old boy would almost certainly be a lot stronger than an adult woman. If he were choosing to come in her bed it is his choice. Personally, I don't think it is a good idea and if it were happening to me, I'd encourage my son to stay in his room and work through whatever issues were making him want to co sleep.

The OP's situation is different because the dad is in control of sleeping arrangements, where as in your examples the son is in charge (of his choice of where to sleep).

And practically speaking males do commit a lot more abuse. And often no one suspects it at the time etc etc...

When the child wants to stop. My almost 8 year old and 6 year old boys sleep with me (by choice) if their dad is working nights. But choice is the key here.

He may already give her the option of staying in the spare room. He has one, he just hasn't 'made it hers'. Perhaps it is also available for other people to use when they stay over, his parents or siblings or friends, so he has avoided decorating it specifically for his dd, especially as she doesn't seem bothered about it.

I think it's more peculiar her father hasn't wanted to make his spare rooms 'hers'

It is by no means impossible that she can't say she's uncomfortable. OP hasn't painted a very nice picture of this man. I was in her position with my df and it screwed up my boundaries for a very long time

apparently he has the best warm - we have a stupid thing in our house about stealing someone’s warm.

That is so cute 😁

It is by no means impossible that she can't say she's uncomfortable.

Agreed. Children are very astute. I didn’t tell my mum what was going on for years as she’d told me I had to go and visit my father as she needed the maintenance and he wouldn’t pay it otherwise. I didn’t want to mess things up for my Mum so I kept going. It can be really difficult for a child to speak up when they’re uncomfortable.

@Italiangreyhound- her daughter sleeps in with her every night- according to the OP- so I do find it controlling that it's ok at mums but not at Dads. I believe she should have a space at dads that is hers- but unless OP is concerned that both parents should be stopping- which she doesn't, then I don't believe it's up to her.

At mum's she has own room though SD1978. So we know it is a choice.

RainySeptember '...especially as she doesn't seem bothered about it.' Are you basing this on the fact she sleeps in with her dad? It doesn't follow she she doesn't want her own room.

TammySwansonTwo just heartbreaking.

OP I am off to work and I have to say I am thinking about this a lot. Why does your 7 year old not feel able to sleep in her own room yet is very private about knocking on doors? My own dd came in our room until age 8 so I am not judging you or her on the desire to co sleep.

I tried everything to get dd to stay in her own room and finally at 8 it clicked and she did. I personally feel co sleeping at this age is not great for a child (different from the odd cuddle in bed) but I've said it enough so will booger off . If you want to answer any of my specific questions, I will try and pop back.