What age do you think daughter should stop sharing bed with father?

[refusetobeasheep]

What's the consensus? my ex still shares bed with our DD when she stays over, i do not have any concerns something irregular going on but I do think there is an age when this is no longer appropriate. What age do you think it should stop so I can get an idea on consensus?

What age is she please? Anything over 10 Id be feeling weird about . Maybe anything over seven

Another one joining the consensus that it is ok until your dd feels it isnt. Also that she needs to have the option of her own space. Definitely time to get him to make the spare room hers.

Mine are 5 8 10 they fight over sleeping with me and their dad and I have a super king sized bed to accomodate them - but they all have their own beds too.

Issue here is will he listen to you because if not you cant control it anyway.

I would only sleep in same bed as my DCs if I fell asleep when BFing them in the night in the spare single in their room. Could never sleep with them all night as they were too wriggly and puffly. Do love them tons, and they know it! Sharing beyond BFing age just seems a bit off to me. We've never shared a bath, either.

I think it’s important children have their own beds and use them if they wish. Many, many years behind you with a two year old who has his own bed but has never slept in it. If he is still sharing my bed often at 7 I like to think I’d be ok with it as long as he was clear it was a choice and he could sleep in his bed if he wished.

He needs to make the spare room hers. If she chooses to climb into bed with him fine but it should be a case of opting in not opting out

This. She may well not want to upset her dad by asking for her own space. Having her own room while she stays is a good idea anyway if she wants some time to herself.

My kids love sleeping in my bed. When DH is home there is no way he would go to sleep in a single so they either sleep with dad or in their own bed.

Just out of curiosity does anyone let their kids sleep with your partner ie their step dad?

I certainly don’t think it should be up to the child. I remember my father telling me I should start locking the bathroom door when was 9. I was surprised.
I don’t think it’s approprate really after the age of 8. She should have her own room . It’s a completely different thing to share a bed with a same sex parent than an opposite sex parent.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with a child sharing a bed with a parent. In itself it's totally normal behaviour. I think bedsharing with older aged children is very common but most people just don't talk about it!

I have three boys. No2 took a lot of heavy suggestion to stop using our bed as one of his everyday options when he was 12. The first was rarely in the bed after 18months, and the third I really can't recall (story of child 3!) but he was certainly not in very often after 7 or 8. But it was his call. He had his own bed in his own room.

I personally felt a bit uncomfortable that a child of the opposite sex so close to puberty was still in bed with me nearly every night. I let him stay as when it's a child's choice it's usually expressing a deeper need. I'm fine with a full teenage boy needing hugs on an occasional basis but the (nearly) everyday but was beginning to feel uncomfortable for me.

BUT when you mention your ex is controlling and you don't seem to suggest she has an option, even when she's still so young, I can understand why you are a bit concerned. I can also see that it's good for bonding to share a bed if he's not always present.

I do have a friend whose parents had to throw her out of their bed when she was 13 as she failed to listen to hints (she was youngest child). I wouldn't worry too much for now, but think about what you can put in place.

IMHO 7 and a half is way too old to be sharing a bed with dad. It is not appropriate at all.

That's not to say getting into bed with an parent for a cuddle etc isn't OK, of course it is. Or occasionally if they have a bad dream etc. But on a regular basis, no.

She should have her own bed. This is not to suggest anything inappropriate is happening but it is completely wrong for a girl of seven to share a bed with dad and not have her own bed. I'd also say that if she talks about this at school she might get teased.

I know kids have problems sleeping dd did and was always coming in the bed with both of us! But as a regular thing, no, so needs her space and she should not have to ask for it. Waiting until she feels uncomfortable is too late.

I expect this view will not be popular but you did ask.

I think it should be driven by the child. Mine preferred to boot their father out if they ‘needed’ to come into our bed in the night. There were times, however, when I was away for work that they climbed in with him (thunderstorms, odd noises outside, unwell etc). They did this until they were quite old -certainly teens- although he actively discouraged it. It was a rare occasion rather than the norm.

refusetobeasheep is he a good dad?

"she does love being able to control her bedroom here (eg note not to come in without knocking!)."

" ex was very controlling with me so i do worry she will find it difficult to tell him when she wants her own space"

"child play therapist when we split said her father's voice was very loud."

I'm sorry but I feel very sorry for her, she likes to control her own space at home and then goes and stays with a loud-voiced father who controls where she sleeps.

If he doesn't recognize her needs I would feel worried.

What is this teaching her - adults make choices, men make choices...

If this were phrased as this to teachers at school your ex may come under suspicion, I am sorry if that is alarming and I am not saying anything of the sort.

I am saying, when you say it like that, to someone outside the family, it does not sound good.

I don't think there's any age where they should stop unless they want to.

I don't think people should change meaningless behaviour just because of societal pressure.

I used to get into my dad's bed until I was 12. Used to go in at 2am - until the morning most nights. No one ever told me it was odd and I'm glad they didn't. I grew out of it and in a matter of months couldn't think of anything worse

I just can't imagine sleeping in the same bed as my 12 year old son like some people have said. He'd feel weird, I'd feel weird. So that's not me saying everyone who does it is weird, that's me pointing out that everyone feels differently.

I agree that she should 100% have the choice though. There should be another option for her ie her own room!

I don’t know as my children are still very young 4 and 2 but when I was 16, after a tough night i would still crawl into my parents bed. Didn’t do it often, but often ended up with enough.

The current situation is that she has to sleep with him. She needs to have a bed made up in her room and have a choice. Can you sew a seed about choosing bedding etc?

It can also depend if there are other issues. I knew a 15yr old boy who shared with his Dad but there were some real emotional issues as his Mum wasn't around and his Dad ended up inside for a spell so separation anxiety/nightmares etc.

I don't think there's any age where they should stop unless they want to

I agree. My kids range from 8-11. The 8 year old is in my bed tonight, DH is going away early tomorrow for work and I'll have all of them in with me until he gets back. I'll also need physiotherapy to deal with sleeping on a postage stamp sized bit of the bed while they nick the covers, wriggle and starfish all over me. One day it'll be the last thing they want so I'm happy to go with it while they do.

They stop wanting to around puberty OP.

But all the people talking about their kids coming in their beds, is by choice. They have their own bed to return to, or to stay in. This is not a choice and asking her 'Do you mind staying in a bed with daddy? isn't a real choice either.

OP you mentioned his loud voice and the fact your dd is very controlling over her own space for a reason, what was that reason?

I don’t think its ever not appropriate. I slept in my DSs bed a few nights when he had a really bad break up last year and he was 16. I do think children older than toddlers should have the optikn of their own bed, but I would not use words like weird and inappropriate like many have done on this thread.

I want to echo what Italiangreyhound says - there is a possible cause for concern here. I know that the dynamic with my df was such that I couldn't have spoken up. OP I hope you can find a way to ensure her privacy

I don't think it's inappropriate really at any age if DD wants to, certainly not at 7, I would still share a bed with my mum now. However your DD should have her own bed, it should be her choice and she should have a bed that she is expected to use if that makes sense. So default is her own bed and she can go in ex's bed if she wants to.

I was abused by my father - he started getting into my bed at night when I was about 10 I think, although I have suspicions it may have started earlier. As a result I would be extremely uncomfortable about this, especially when there’s another room available. I’m not saying your DD is being abused, but most child abuse occurs within families so I would be concerned.