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Original poster

What age do you think daughter should stop sharing bed with father?

105 replies

refusetobeasheep · 02/09/2018 20:18

What's the consensus? my ex still shares bed with our DD when she stays over, i do not have any concerns something irregular going on but I do think there is an age when this is no longer appropriate. What age do you think it should stop so I can get an idea on consensus?

OP posts:
HelloToYou · 02/09/2018 20:33

Yeah I don't think it's anything to worry about yet.

You could always talk about it with your ex if your on decent terms.

Bumbumtaloo · 02/09/2018 20:34

My dd’s are 6 & 8 and they love getting in with their dad, apparently he has the best warm - we have a stupid thing in our house about stealing someone’s warm. For me it would always be when they are no longer comfortable. I do think she should have her own space though tbh.

Thatsfuckingshit · 02/09/2018 20:34

Ds gets in my bed most nights and is the same age.

As others say it's when she feels she no longer wants to.

But I do think she should have her own room set up.

continuallychargingmyphone · 02/09/2018 20:34

I disagree that the DD should be the one to voice discomfort. If it’s how things have always been it won’t feel inappropriate to her, even when it is.

Unihorn · 02/09/2018 20:36

My DSD is a similar age and still sleeps in with her dad sometimes even though she has her own bed. I have suggested a few times that she might be more comfortable in her own bed but she tells me she likes sharing with him!

Poisongirl81 · 02/09/2018 20:40

I sleep with 11 dd sometimes

brizzledrizzle · 02/09/2018 20:40

Her father needs to make the extra room her room so that she has a choice. I wouldn't be letting any child of mine go where they didn't have a bedroom to sleep in without sharing with an adult. If there isn't a bedroom then he should sleep on the sofa but that's not the case here

HollowTalk · 02/09/2018 20:42

I think there's a massive difference between her going into her dad's bed and her not having the choice. At 7.5 I think she should have her own bed and I don't know why your ex can't see this.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/09/2018 20:43

I don't like the idea of children not having their own space. My MIL constantly suggests we send DD to stay in her house 'and she can sleep with me or Auntie (my SIL lives at home)'. DD is 17 months and sleeps with me and her mum more often than not, but I always say no because I really dislike the idea that she's ok to be shoved into any available tiny space. Surely even a small mattress on the floor would be nicer for her and wouldn't make her feel as if she has no space to herself?

Original poster
refusetobeasheep · 02/09/2018 20:45

Thanks for the thoughts on having her own room and bed ,, this could be a non confrontational way to suggest it's great she has her own space, whether or not she chooses to use it. she does love being able to control her bedroom here (eg note not to come in without knocking!). ex was very controlling with me so i do worry she will find it difficult to tell him when she wants her own space - child play therapist when we split said her father's voice was very loud. just trying to figure out best way to help her deal with this when needed.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 02/09/2018 20:45

Yeah, agree she’s well past the age now of not having her own bed- especially as he has a spare room there for the taking.

Do you get on well? Maybe you should let him know that he needs to get it sorted now.

Obviously if she gets in bed with him half way through the night, that’s fine. But she should have the choice at her age.

ScattyCharly · 02/09/2018 20:46

I think it’s fine at 7.5 but the “rule” I believe is that the child should have access to own bed as well as access to parents bed. My 10yo dd slept in bed with my dh for half the holiday and me for half the holiday. My ds age 12 likewise had half the holiday in with me and half with dh. We had a room with 2 double beds. Tbh both kids were absolutely thrilled.

BangingOn · 02/09/2018 20:47

I think the issue is that she doesn’t have a room and a bed that is hers so that she can easily decide she would prefer to sleep on her own. The lack of choice would bother me.

Mari50 · 02/09/2018 20:50

When the child doesn’t want to share a bed anymore essentially.
My dd (9) shared a bed with her dad when they were visiting relatives recently.

Dollymixture22 · 02/09/2018 20:50

I totally agree she should have the option. There is nothing at all wrong with her sharing with him- but he also needs to carve out a space for her in his home.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 02/09/2018 20:52

Why not make it into a fun project? This is your room, what colour would you like it? What about posters, let’s pick out some bed linen together etc
I think 7 yrs is far to old to be sharing with anyone if a choice is not given.
By your own admission ex is controlling with ‘a loud voice’. Mmmmm
You say ‘best way to help her deal with this when needed’
The time is now

deepsea · 02/09/2018 20:56

I would start making arrangements now for the room to become hers. Her df needs to decorate it and make it special for her. It is already heading towards inappropriate and certainly by 8 and 9 she will be developing slowly and become more conscious.

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2018 20:57

“we have a stupid thing in our house about stealing someone’s warm“

Us too! Smile

We give each other some warm too.......

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2018 20:58

God, I hate the word “innaprporiate”

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2018 20:59

But she should have her own bed, and be allowed to choose. Without any pressure either way.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 02/09/2018 20:59

Not quite the same but my DD stays with her gran and for years would sleep in her bed. My DM and I used to joke that she'd still be doing it when she was at Uni - there was no convincing her to stay in the guest room.

Then over time she started saying that she needed her own bed so would go in the guest room and only sleep with her gran if there was something bothering her and she needed extra comfort. I think that was just before her 8th birthday.

upsideup · 02/09/2018 21:00

When DH has taken 11 year old dd away for competitions which is probably about 10 times already this year they have shared a bed a few times. Both are comfortable with it and he is her dad so I wouldnt think it should ever stop unless she changes her mind on that.

CountFosco · 02/09/2018 21:04

He needs to make the spare room hers. If she chooses to climb into bed with him fine but it should be a case of opting in not opting out.

deepsea · 02/09/2018 21:06

I also question why he hasn’t made arrangements for her to choose where sleeps. He must know that there comes a point when it is important to give your child privacy and space. If for no other reason than to protect yourself.

JacquesHammer · 02/09/2018 21:06

He needs to make the spare room hers. If she chooses to climb into bed with him fine but it should be a case of opting in not opting out

Absolutely this.

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