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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL- unreasonable comments

111 replies

Firsttimer1234 · 02/09/2018 16:11

Nothing but problems with my PIL since I had my little one three months ago. Never ending they seem at the minute. Today's latest: they complained a few months ago about not seeing LO enough so we have made an effort for everyone's sake to go and see them twice a week. Not that I was happy with this. More than enough in my opinion. My own parents only see him once a fortnight because eof distance. Anyway, over the last two weeks, four visits, on two occasions he has been asleep. We don't have a nap routine yet. He tends to just sleep when he wants and has been sleeping more lately due to a growth spurt. I posted a picture on Instagram last night of Him smiling, something he has done many times, and they have seen this in person. My MIL then immediately text my husband with this, 'Are you purposely drugging him when he comes to see us because he looks like he's having fun at home and he's been asleep twice when we've seen him.' she hasn't spoke or replied to my husband since. No kisses and heart and smilies like she would usually add on a text. AIBU to be annoyed about this? If he's asleep he's asleep, you don't wake a sleeping baby right? It's just unfortunate if he's asleep when their there sometimes.

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 02/09/2018 19:42

Faerie and First is someone refused to give you back your baby when you ask them to, take them back

You don’t need to be horrible or get upset. Just smile say brightly and firmly “Baby needs Mum now ” and reach over and take them.

You are in charge.
You have the power.
You just have to use the power you have.

It can be a benevolent dictatorship if you like but never let anyone forget who’s in charge.

DidimusStench · 02/09/2018 19:43

benevolent dictatorship I love that @NonaGrey. I’m going to use that at home....

llangennith · 02/09/2018 19:48

Cut right back on the visits before things get completely out of hand.
Set ground rules now and stick to them.

Faerie87 · 02/09/2018 19:56

@Firsttimer1234 - that’s awful, you know as mum what your little one needs more than anyone else.

Although I got told that if I keep taking little one back the minute they start crying, then I’m going to spoil her! I was like what the hell?! She’s three months old! It also was not fun trying to feed her when she’s past the point of being upset and it took over an hour to settle her back down for her to actually take a feed :-( I think MiL was part of the “let them cry themselves to sleep generation” I just can’t do it! I watched a program on Netflix recently called the Let down it’s really funny it’s about being a new mum, and they were doing sleep training Where they were trying out the cry it out method and the mum couldn’t do it as she could not bare to let the little one cry!

GiraffeObsessedBaby · 02/09/2018 20:00

Oh god OP the enforced demanding visits sound familiar. I've refused for so long as MIL lives other end of the country and sorry but that distance with a baby is stupid. Mil also refuses to agree with our parenting and doesn't believe in CMPA which our son has.

We've just got back from our first visit with a very poorly baby due to mil sneaking him cheese and all sorts. Dh has confronted her and she's all apologetic but "I didn't think he'd ACTUALLY react it's only cheese" Angry

I know how hard it is to put your foot down in the moment in fear of causing long lasting arguments but after reading all your updates please do trust your instincts and don't let them push you around.

Original poster
Firsttimer1234 · 02/09/2018 20:03

@Faerie87 my MIL is similar she's someone that put her own children into their own rooms on a different floor at two days old because she couldn't 'stand all the baby noises they make'. She couldn't believe it that my LO is now three month and he's still in a crib next to my bed!

OP posts:
Faerie87 · 02/09/2018 20:09

@Firsttimer1234 - I could not do that, I’m so worried that something might happen to LO while she is asleep that I have to have her next to me. My partner brought her cot in a few weeks back as she was hating her Moses basket and would not sleep in it, ever since bringing her cot in she’s been ace, even slept six hours straight last night which was her record up to now! However it did not stop me from waking up and checking she was ok! So still knackered lol.

crosstalk · 02/09/2018 20:11

OP Horrid for you but I do recommend your husband texting back what a PP said "don't you mean isn't he lovely?"

Leave it at that. Drop the twice weekly visits. Move it to the same your parents have eventually. Again, agree with a PP that at least if you visit them you can leave when you want.

HelloToYou · 02/09/2018 20:15

Omg they sound horrific!
My DS did not stay over night with my in laws until he was 3 years old!

You do not need to give reasons for anything, they question - you say it's your baby, your rules. You will visit once a week and if he sleeps then he sleeps.

Really stamp out this attitude from them now before it escalates!

ohfourfoxache · 02/09/2018 23:24

Fuck that for a game of whatsits - knock those bloody visits on the head until they start to behave like reasonable adults

Booskina · 03/09/2018 00:25

I loved this show too!

VimFuego101 · 03/09/2018 00:49

Fuck that OP, you've been more than reasonable. I would go very low contact, if not no contact. Imagine what it will be like when your child is old enough to understand their manipulative words/ behaviour.

CSIblonde · 03/09/2018 00:58

That's vile of her to suggest that OP. Now you've given in to twice a week you've set a precedent that will be hard to change. But it's an out if you reply saying 'babies sleep: if he's sleeping come visit time, best we cancel those visits then'

justilou1 · 03/09/2018 03:22

I was having a hard time establishing breastfeeding and was told to let all calls go to voicemail, sit in bed with my little one and only get up to pee, etc for a couple of days. I told my mother what I was doing. Cue incessant phone calls at one minute intervals. Next thing I knew, she drove up my driveway, onto my two day old lawn, was banging on my front windows she was expecting me to be dead. I came out and asked WTF was going on, and she had brought a colleague from work to “see the baybeeeeee” and was expecting me to let them in and make tea, etc.... wondered why I lost my shit. You need to BOTH tell them to back the fuck off and to establish some very clear boundaries about what you expect from them as grandparents, and their fantasies about what grandparents are supposed to do, have absolutely no impact on your guilt levels.

Gersemi · 03/09/2018 10:53

They expected to be in and out of our house everyday, them to have had him overnight and to babysit all the time. Because thats what all her friends who have grandparents do.

Bollocks to that. It's incredibly unlikely that that is the case, at least if all her friends are in this country. Tell her that if any of her friends tell her that this is the case, you'd be grateful for their names and contact details so that you can talk to them and their children about it.

LakieLady · 03/09/2018 11:05

He very nicely asked them to text before a visit so we could let them know if it was a good time. They don't see why they should, their words, so therefore the expectation is that we now go to them.

Wtaf? How rude and entitled.

They sound ghastly.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 03/09/2018 11:23

So many of these demanding PILs threads and requests to have the 'baby overnight'. I think it is outrageous. Midwives should be aware and discuss it with expectant parents to build confidence and encourage firm boundaries. There are so many of these threads that it's a problem.

New mothers should not be pressured in to taking their baby twice a week to see these people just because the in laws want it. And no, overnight stays are not necessary and normal just because the grandmother wants it.

They may not like it but it is too bad. Knock it all on the head and say no. Do not answer the phone. Leave your husband to deal with his parents and let him deal with them. Only by saying no to them will this be resolved.

MapleLeafRag · 03/09/2018 11:35

Two times a week is too much for these kind of people, and don't they realise that the baby falls asleep in the car on the way to them, as most babies do.

Strange that her babies were moved to rooms far away so she couldn't hear them Hmm, but now you have to run around bringing your baby to her. She is not a good role model for your child, a person to spend as little time with as possible.

MimiSunshine · 03/09/2018 11:36

The only response to that text should have been:
What on earth..? Are YOU on drugs?

As others have said, stop going twice a week NOW. Don’t make any announcements about the change, just text the night before saying “sorry, somethings come up, can’t pop in tomorrow but will see you on xxxday as planned”.

Then the next week, swap the day and stick to one visit.

As for Christmas, I’d go with DH proactively saying to them “so Christmas, we were thinking Brunch / Lunch on Christmas Eve would be nice, what do you think?

Or we can do the 2? If you prefer? We’re seeing @Firsttimer1234 parents on xx date so not free then but other than that it’s your choice.”

Then when they exclaim horror at not seeing you all on Christmas Day, you / DH can simply say that it’s just the three of you on the 25th.

If they really argue it, point out that the whole festive period is at least a week long and you’re both off so there is no restrictions otherwise

Lizzie48 · 03/09/2018 12:33

They really do sound awful, you have my sympathy, OP. Your DH seems to be on the same page as you, though, thankfully.

We adopted our DDs, and a big advantage was that we could quote SS advice that parents should limit visits for the first 3 months so that their child has the chance to bond. It avoided the problem of being pestered for visits.

My DM and MIL have been challenging in other ways, though. DM constantly undermines me by jumping in to tell off my DDs when DH and I are already dealing with it. That's so annoying. My MIL used to take it personally that DD2 wouldn't go to her for cuddles, she blamed me, thinking I was spoiling her. But DD2 has always been cautious around adults other than DH and me, though this is changing now thankfully.

Gersemi · 03/09/2018 13:39

I too am amazed by all these grandparents wanting to have small babies overnight. Why would you be desperate for a night when you could be changing endless nappies, clearing up puke, and having a baby screaming down your ear for hours on end?

welshmist · 03/09/2018 14:35

Gersemi Mon 03-Sep-18 13:39:52
I too am amazed by all these grandparents wanting to have small babies overnight. Why would you be desperate for a night when you could be changing endless nappies, clearing up puke, and having a baby screaming down your ear for hours on end?

MAYBE because we remember that parents need a break and a lie in sometimes....

LightDrizzle · 03/09/2018 15:22

welshmist - that would be a reason for offering though, not pushing.

Gersemi · 03/09/2018 15:43

welshmist, there's a pretty obvious difference between grandparents being willing to help their children out when they need a break, and grandparents making a big deal and having a massive huff about not being "allowed" to have their grandchildren overnight from an early age when their children don't need or want a break.

Technonan · 03/09/2018 17:37

This definitely isn't over-enthusiastic grandparents getting the boundaries a bit wrong, is it? It's plain control freakery. I would find this very worrying and step back as far as I could. I'm a massively enthusiastic grandparent, but I accepted DS and DIL's decision that sleepovers wouldn't happen until the kids were at least 4. (After a couple of sleepovers, I'm wondering that that shouldn't be 21). Your children, your rules. The sooner they accept that the better. Mind you, I doubt they will, but once they learn you aren't going to be bullied or emotionally blackmailed, they might withdraw a bit. What a nightmare.

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