PIL- unreasonable comments

[Firsttimer1234]

Nothing but problems with my PIL since I had my little one three months ago. Never ending they seem at the minute. Today's latest: they complained a few months ago about not seeing LO enough so we have made an effort for everyone's sake to go and see them twice a week. Not that I was happy with this. More than enough in my opinion. My own parents only see him once a fortnight because eof distance. Anyway, over the last two weeks, four visits, on two occasions he has been asleep. We don't have a nap routine yet. He tends to just sleep when he wants and has been sleeping more lately due to a growth spurt. I posted a picture on Instagram last night of Him smiling, something he has done many times, and they have seen this in person. My MIL then immediately text my husband with this, 'Are you purposely drugging him when he comes to see us because he looks like he's having fun at home and he's been asleep twice when we've seen him.' she hasn't spoke or replied to my husband since. No kisses and heart and smilies like she would usually add on a text. AIBU to be annoyed about this? If he's asleep he's asleep, you don't wake a sleeping baby right? It's just unfortunate if he's asleep when their there sometimes.

Surely, in order to be fair to both sets of grandparents, visits to PIL should be scaled back to once a fortnight....

Climbed over the fence wow!! You say you don`t need them perhaps they are upset about that. Babies are boring eat/sleep/poop PIL need to be patient in a few months time there will be a smiley responsive child.

I would remind them your DC is not a child you can turn on and off when they want to play with them.

That text would be very annoying. You’ve made massive inconveniences to yourself to allow them to see your child and it’s clwarly not appreciated.

A lot of their problem is that we don't 'need' them.

Are they the sort who want to be needed in order to use that to control you? 'We did this for you so we are going to decide when you have to see us, what pram you should buy, when we have DS to stay, etc etc'?

Stop the twice weekly visits now. Or (a) they'll expect it to continue (if not get worse) until DS or any future DCs are 18, and (b) their demands at Christmas and birthdays are going to be hell.

He's not a performing monkey, wtf!

How ridiculous

I'm a grandmother too and totally agree with senmumoftom and Hepzibar.
Grandparents don't make demands, and let their children (and grandchildren) live their own lives.
Quickest way to lose your kids and grandkids is to behave like the op's inlaws.

Based on their past behaviour when visiting you, I think I'd leave it that you will visit them (although not according to 'their' schedule).

The thing about being the visitor is that you can more easily control the timetable for leaving. Much harder to be the 'visitee' trying to get rid of 'company' who have overstayed their welcome!

If you don’t set some ground rules now, you are going to end up nc! Your dh really needs to have a conversation with them.. we know you are excited gp.thanks for the offer but you wanted a baby and are coping well, help will be needed but not now. If they continue to be this stalkerish it would make me backoff tbh so dh needs to nip it in the bud

@Mortyvicar I think you've hit the nail on the head. It's things like 'oh we bought the pram so I'll push it when we're out'

Ignore it and visit less!

Oh holy crap I’ve just read your other replies... I’d be moving to Outer Mongolia if this were my PIL. Talk about NO CHILL.

Beware of Christmas First, don't commit to anything, or you will be spending every Christmas for the next 25 years with them!

I would use the 'drugging' comment as your chance to set down some boundaries.
Tell them it was an innapropriate comment but since you are ont he topic, yes he is asleep when you visit so you have concluded these very frequent visits are too tiring for such a small baby, and from now on you will be scaling back. You have decided that visits will be once a fortnight (or however oftne you can stand them coming) if it is convenient for you, this may change if you have other plans for the day or you feel baby is over tired.

Any suggestions of leaving him overnight with them need to be countered with 'don't be ridiculous he's far too young to be left over night'. Moanng about you taking him to the supermarket 'we've decided we want to do things together as a family, he likes all the sounds and sights in the supermarket '

@adacoleman this is something me and DH have recently discussed. We have decided that Christmas will be at ours, just the three of us. I know they're expecting us to be at theirs. So I'm afraid they aren't going to like DH having that convo with them!

What you have described is incredibly toxic behaviour and not great for children to grow up seeing imo

I know the usual rule is each partner deals with their own family but in this case I'd be really tempted to communicate (either in text email or face to face) something along the lines of this

"Your comment crossed a really big lime and was unacceptable , even if you think you were joking it was absolutely not ok

You have repeatedly behaved in a way that causes us distress and makes life harder , do not give us gifts if you have strings attached I am uninterested in them ,your behaviour about time spent with you does not show the actions of loving grandparents.

We are going to take some time away to consider your boundaries and I would hope you do to , we will be in touch to find a way forward to have a relationship that suite both however if you do not make some changes there will be no possib9lity for a relationship"

Please don't just put up with it ,so many put up with toxic behaviour because they are related and its just not on when you are newish parents and developing your own family

You deserve to live the way you choose without being at the behest of people who have agendas

Good decision First !

Wow! Your in laws sounds just like mine. Me having a baby sent them (but particularly my mil) over the edge. Just like yours they wanted to feel needed and expected me to keep asking for help, which I didn't do because I was getting on fine by myself. They also wouldn't accept me not answering the door at stupid times (8am and 11pm) and would walk around the house peering in windows and banging on them until they located me. I found hounded by them. My mil also didn't like the name we chose so called the baby by her middle name instead. She was also very possessive over my dc as babies and can't bear them wanting me. If they were crying and reaching towards me whilst they were in her arms then she'd take them into another room where they couldn't see me. Her needs were always put above the kids. There is so much stuff that I could write an essay on her/their weird behaviour regarding my dc but I won't bore you.

You have to form your own boundaries and stop pandering to them. I made the mistake of trying to constantly appease my mil and it got me nowhere apart from getting increasingly odder more possessive behaviour from her. She has really sucked the enjoyment of having new babies from me.

gettingback's response is excellent

I would take yourself out of the equation for a little while and let your other half take the little one to his parents.

OP you don't have a three month old, he's only 1 month corrected! Of course he's going to be bloody sleeping all time. He's doing very well to be smiling.

You and your DH have done so well and you don't need this shit, that drug comment talking about an 8 week premature baby is absolutely disgusting.

I would expect my DH to have a serious conversation with them.

Absolutely drop the visits down to fortnightly to match your parents. Don’t even respond to that text. What bizarre persons expects to play parent to another persons baby at 2 weeks old wth overnight stays!

Hello OP, I have a 3 month old, she was two weeks early but had a very low birth weight under 5lbs!

Anyway we are local to both my parents and my in laws, I ask my mum first for help if I need it with LO as we are really close. I think this annoys my MIL and she will often make snarky comments to my partner about it even though we make an effort to bring little one to see her once a week.

There are other things that annoy me, such as if little one is crying because she is hungry and MIL is holding her, I will say that I need to take her back to feed her but my MIL won’t give her back until LO is really kicking off, which in turns upsets me. Maybe I’m being a bit over sensitive about it :-(

So in short I feel your pain, also my LO sleeps a lot too! And I hate it when people ask me when she’s going to wake up! It’s like what a previous poster has said, they are babies not performing monkeys!

Op I'm so sorry your going through this!! I too have had similar but different to you with the pil!
I got the " monkey socks will never let us have baby over night " dd was a few months old!! Several other comments regarding having dd on their own, they went on and on so much that I questioned whether I was wrong for not allowing it, I put on a bit of weight since dd and fil told me that I had let myself go, oh mum should him a pic of his brothers girlfriend and said isn't she pretty this was a couple of months after I'd had dd so I still felt flabby bags under my eyes etc the list goes on but please please make it clear about Xmas now because last year I asked dp to tell them we are having Xmas at home this year as we had just brought a house and had our baby he left it till 2 weeks before Xmas and all's I can say is shit hit the fan!! Apparently I was being ridiculous because I didn't want my dd near their dog (. Who I used to look after when they had the other grandchild as they were concerned about the dog around other gc ) and wanted Xmas at home, I was told I'd ruined Xmas and that I was stopping them seeing dd ( I wasn't ) the relationship has never been the same since, there's always digs and I don't feel they have " forgiven" me it made me quite ill with stress I did a lot for them in the past and was so hurt it's taken me 9 months to actually think it's their choice to be like that if they want to carry it on then that's their problem!! I wish I had not spent so much time worrying and stressing over it because I can't change the way they are but I can change how I react to it all!! Good luck op nip it in the bud now cuz it doesn't get easier and they don't change!! Xx

@Faerie87 a very similar situation happened to me. MIL was holding LO and he started to cry. I asked her to give him back to me but she said 'he's fine, he's just being fussy.' after a couple more minutes I really wasn't comfortable so I had to go and take him back. Straight away I k ew something was wrong. Then I checked and he was absolutely plastered front to back and had poo all up his back. Made me really mad. I just turned round and said that I knew he wasn't being fussy

Tell them it’s because they’re boring fuckers and it’s hard enough an adult keeping awake in the company, let alone a child