Inheritance and Stepchildren

[calliebirds]

Feeling totally confused. A terrible thought occurred to me today and I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

It's also hypothetical at this point.

DP has four kids from previous relationship.
Together we have one child.

If DP and I buy a house together how an earth do we deal with inheritance when we both pop our clogs?

Obviously I'm premature to be thinking about this but I'm actually worried now and wondering whether we should never buy a house together.

Would we divide the house in half, my half and his half. My only child would get my half which means in theory, DP would have to split his half between his five kids. Say the house was worth £250k, that would mean my child got £150k and each one of my step children would only get 25k. Which seems unfair to DPs kids if their sibling got so much more than them and yet part of me feels really uncomfortable about splitting it evenly between all of them as in my mind my half should go to my child as much as I love my step children, they aren't my children and my priority is my own child.

Callie the university fees etc can be paid by the kids getting a loan. They might get a extra support based on the resident parents income. Try not to worry too much about that.

I have refused to buy cars/driving lessons for my own kids because I can't afford to fund it 100%. Lots of people will be in the same situation.

Problem is my DP doesn't think ahead or worry about any of this stuff. He's a, 'we will manage, we will cross that bridge later' type guy. Which sometimes isn't helpful

Time to sign him up to MN!

You're not going to find all those things five times, OP. Just make sure you don't give them to any of them. Easy. If you can't afford to buy a house, you're hardly in the income bracket where these things are even a possibility.

If I were you I'd worry a bit more about the effect your attitude to money may have on your relationship. If I were your partner I'd be pretty unimpressed y your obsession with favouring your son over his siblings.

@Chesntoots I think this is a smart idea

I'm his Mum, he's my only child and I should be doing everything in my power to ensure he has the very very best future.

But you're imagining that money is the only important thing. And by making the split you're proposing, you're making the decision for him that his relationships with his siblings (at a time when they are all going to be newly bereaved) is worth less than the money. And I think you're wrong. Your notion that you're raising him to be someone who will automatically decide to redistribute the money equally is pure wishful thinking, especially if it's true (did you ask them?) that your mother and grandfather would want all your inheritance to go to him alone. If they believe(d), and you believe, that money is more important than sibling relationships, what on earth makes you think he'll feel otherwise when the time comes?

I would also bear in mind, as PP have said, that if you die before your DP then it's very likely he will split everything five ways. Your mother can bypass this by leaving everything directly to your son if she chooses, but it's very likely this will cause as many issues as the alternative. How will you all feel if your son buys a house of his own and all of the rest of the family are renting?

It's completely personal, of course, and you should discuss it with your DP as you say, but to my mind anything other than a 5-way split is fraught with difficulty, and you might need to be the one who gets over your objections, rather than your DP.

@Bluelady I haven't got an obsession with favouring my son.

As it stands currently, they are all treated 100% equally. In all areas, money, love, etc.

This question sprung to mind yesterday randomly out of the blue, never having thought about anything like this before.

I suppose deep down, I feel like, if I walked away now with my Son, I'd be able to provide for him better in the future than I can now having our family blended.

As a child with 5 other siblinds, and two steps I think split 50/50 between the parents. Meaning anything from my mum's estate (probably not a lot) split between us 6. Anything from my dad's split between 6.

Dad has a partner so their estate split 50/50. His partners children get half each of their mums, and us 4 get 1/4 of my dad's. Works out less but I think that's probably fair.

That top bit was typed wrong, but essentially the same as what you think is fair. I wouldn't have it any other way.

How about an equal split and encourage your mother to bypass you and bequeath directly to your son? Perhaps with a life interest to you?

If you have no savings, spending £1,000 on Christmas seems a bit extravagant.

If you're thinking that way, then a pp was right when she said you value money over relationships. It's very sad indeed. And please don't come back and tell us how much you love your partner's children because that's just words, easy to say.

@easterholidays I don't have siblings myself so the bond of siblings is never something I've personally experience but I can see how important it is.

My Mum and my Grandfather, before meeting DP, were the only family I had.

Yes that's interesting, I am very close to my siblings and I have some indirect experience of sibling bust-ups caused by unequal inheritance, so my thinking is probably coloured by that.

This gave me pause for thought:

I feel like, if I walked away now with my Son, I'd be able to provide for him better in the future than I can now having our family blended.

Do you maybe have some doubts about the relationship more generally, and your mind is using this hypothetical problem as a hook to hang them on? Ignore if I'm way off!

What if you (now - while your son is teeny tiny and so obviously very dependant) take out some life insurance on just you that will run for 30 years with him named as the sole beneficiary.

You can then leave all “assets” divided between the 5 children.

And forget all about it for 30 years as you know he is ok.

If your mum leaves you money then use most of it to buy a home for you to live in (thus homing her grandchild - presumably she would be happy with that) and ring fence a small amount to pay for the life insurance (so effectively the life insurance payout will be the inheritance from your mum).

If (hopefully!) you are still alive in 30 years then you will have to re-think but by then your son will be 30 and your step children will be in their 30s and 40s and “what is fair” will be much much clearer.

@easterholidays Yeah, you might have clocked onto something there...

I have posted two threads about some other problems under different names!

How are your finances set up now? Do you have separate finances or its it a shared pot?
That could make a difference as to how fair the four kids see it. If they've seen for years that it's yours and their dad's money separately managing the household then they'll psychologically probably be ok with it. If there is joint finances and joint savings they will just see it as preferential treatment. If you are a sahm then again they may see it as unfair.

Yeah I know the feeling of things not being quite right and not being sure exactly what the real problem is @calliebirds! Good luck to you with it

If you do want to have this particular conversation with DP, maybe start off neutrally, without putting forward your own feelings, and see how he responds? You might be surprised.

@Ignoramusgiganticus We have a joint account that are wages go into every month.

I'm wondering if that was a mistake but I'm currently on Maternity Leave so if we had separate finances and just paid half of everything each, I wouldn't be able to afford to do so whilst on Maternity Leave.

Before Maternity Leave, DP earned 10k a year more than me, but it was pretty even as his outgoings were more than mine due to child maintenance and stuff.

But you're imagining that money is the only important thing. And by making the split you're proposing, you're making the decision for him that his relationships with his siblings (at a time when they are all going to be newly bereaved) is worth less than the money.

Easterholidays- you put it perfectly. The sibling bond is so much more important than money. For my sole child it has been a gift - and no way would I want to risk damaging that if DH and I died by leaving the children unequal amounts.

@easterholidays Thank you!

This is something I need to discuss with DP and I think what you're suggesting is the best way to do, so thanks.

I need to have a chat with DP about a whole host of other stuff too. He's difficult to talk to though.

I think the initial idea of just dividing the house 50/50 You and DP and then splitting that between your respective DC is fair. If you think if you split and didn't buy a house together and bought 2 equal houses then that's how much money the DC would each get. You could always leave a small amount to your step DC in your will. Or you could suggest to your mum she leaves her 50/50 to you and your DS, so your DS gets a fair amount already from your mum and then split the house 5 ways.

To put another perspective, my childhood best friends mum remarried a few years ago, her step-dad has only one DC but she has another sibling and this is exactly what they have done in their will (so she will get 1/4 of the estate, his DD 1/2). I don't think my BF even considered it going another way tbh, there was a lot of talk when they were marrying about how to sort out the will but as far as she's concerned the house is half her mum's half her step dads and she doesn't feel like she's owed any of her step dads share. I guess if DC are younger then it might be more complicated, as obviously as an adult she could understand how the money works going in etc. But as a child you maybe don't understand this so much.

My dad remarried and had another child. He died young and it all went to his wife. I didn’t even get a mention the Will. I was an adult by then but not to even be left a moment I was painful.
Since then my SM has remarried, put my Half brother through an Oxbridge education, paid for driving lessons, car etc.
I get £20 at Xmas and birthdays! I won’t get a penny when she does it will go to my HB.

My mum also remarried when I was a child. She didn’t work throughout my childhood. I have a SB from SD’s first marriage. I am the sole beneficiary from their estate. My SB is the sole beneficiary of his mother’s estate. They thought that was the fairest split. Their decision and to be honest we don’t see SB from one years end to the next!

callie Follow your heart. Do what you think is right. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that because you are a stepmother your time, energy and money belong to your stepchildren, your partner and his ex, in that order.

You are not mother to these children and they will likely never think of you in a way that approaches motherly affection. In fact there would be uproar if you indicated publicly that you see them as just as much your children as they are your husband's. You would be put in your place. So they shouldn't expect to receive the same inheritance from you as your actual child. They have brains too, they can see this, especially as they will probably be mature adults when any inheritance comes into being. It would be nice to leave them something though.

And if the time comes when you feel exactly the same about your stepchildren as you do about your birth child then you can change your will to reflect that. Don't shortchange your child! Using a similar argument many previous posters have, your actual child could end up resentful if you do.

My youngest uncle was 15 or 16 when his dad died (other siblings age 19+). 40 years later his mum died & uncle received a life insurance policy my gran took out when uncle was a teen. It seemed odd, tbh, that uncle got a big chunk more money than his siblings.

We have 2 dcs together and my husband has one dc. When we die the house will be split 3 ways regardless, stepchilds Mum is very wealthy but it will still be split equally. They are our children

@TestingTestingWonTooFree Maybe it is a bit extravagant putting £1000 away for Xmas but it was really important to me that my step children receive the same as they would normally get for Christmas this year as I didn't want them thinking that with the arrival of their newest sibling that they are now getting less.