Inheritance and Stepchildren

[calliebirds]

Feeling totally confused. A terrible thought occurred to me today and I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

It's also hypothetical at this point.

DP has four kids from previous relationship.
Together we have one child.

If DP and I buy a house together how an earth do we deal with inheritance when we both pop our clogs?

Obviously I'm premature to be thinking about this but I'm actually worried now and wondering whether we should never buy a house together.

Would we divide the house in half, my half and his half. My only child would get my half which means in theory, DP would have to split his half between his five kids. Say the house was worth £250k, that would mean my child got £150k and each one of my step children would only get 25k. Which seems unfair to DPs kids if their sibling got so much more than them and yet part of me feels really uncomfortable about splitting it evenly between all of them as in my mind my half should go to my child as much as I love my step children, they aren't my children and my priority is my own child.

I have 2 DDs one of whom is my DHs. We got married 25 years ago when she was 6. My first will that I made after divorce left everything to DD. My next one when I remarried left £20000 to DD, which was the amount of money I had when we got together. Rest to DH. We made new wills several years ago. If I die first, I will be leaving more money than DH due to pension, insurance. So mine states £50000 to each DD, remaining to DH which basically means the house ( no mortgage) and approx £50000. Plus my pension. If he dies first a smaller cash amount to each DD, rest to me. Although I can't control what he does with his estate if I'm already dead, he has in his will that the proceeds are split equal between the girls. Same with me.
I think it very much depends on how long you have been together TBH.
My sister died several years ago and left all her money, approx Two hundred grand, plus the house, to her partner. She had 2 children both teens. She didn't expect to die so young!
He very quickly married and had two more children. Spent the money on extending the house, flash cars and expensive hobbies. His wife is half his age. He told my niece and nephew that he's leaving everything to his current wife. She says she will split her estate four ways, but I'm not convinced she will do that. There's nothing to stop her changing her will at all! We did try to suggest the house, which had a hefty mortgage on it but got paid off with my sisters life insurance, be put in trust when he dies. He didn't like that idea. So all my sisters money could potentially pass on to someone who she never even met.
To top it all off, we found out after a while that he was having an affair with the woman he is now married to, before my DS died. How fair is that?

It’s a complicated and emotional topic. But far better to discuss openly now than be stuck/ have regrets when the worst happens.
We went along lines of your original post. My DS get my 50 %, my Dss and dsd will get a third each of my DH half, our DS the remaining 3rd. It’s made a little easier by step children being older and already in properties paid for by their late mothers estate.
Should one of us go before the other then it will be up to them to ensure the others wishes are upheld...

leave a small bequest to your stepchildren

This is a lovely idea, and i would strongly encourage anyone to do this as a statement of intent, on a piece of paper kept with the will, but separate from it. This means that you can maintain the list without having to have the will changed, re witnessed etc

You may want to acknowledge grand children or even great grands, god children, or even something precious being broken so that you leave something else. In the difficult time after a death, it is so helpful to have a list of what to give to whom, to save thinking about what might be suitable...

I think that it’s not fair to give your son more money than your step children. When you met your partner you knew he had to financially support his children when he’s alive so it’s fair enough he does the same when he’s dead.
It’s not fair to ask your mum to leave all the money to your son as then he gets 100% and the step children get nothing and you get to avoid making a choice.

Just a word of caution for those relying on dh passing on property on their death,

We have had so many adult kids on here with wills changed after the death of thier parent and the step parent changing wills back to favour their dc. Sometimes possibly agaisnt their will when thier old and frail.. Maybe sometimes thier relationship witch their step has simply suffered...

But do not trust that after your death any of your property will go to your dc if you have not solidly ring fenced it in law.

Relying on others won't work.

I personally know of 3 men who re married within two years of their wives dying. The dc are deeply upset, traumatised etc.

Bad feelings created...

iam

He will be leaving his dc something.
And she also needs to support her own dc.

Whatever you do or leave ring fence it by law that can't be changed. You will be astonished at what people can get away with after death

Never rely on other people to up hold wishes. It rarely happens.

Ring fence it legally.

Just the other day a poster said her granny left her a ring, she told everyone this apparently. But after granny died, that ring was put back on the body and buried with her.

Relatives after this happened expressed surprised and said it was supposed to be for poster.

Means diddly squat.
Verbal wishes... Relying on others...

If something happens to me, I have already drummed into dh to change his will to ring fence our house for our dc. Or whatever he gives them to make it specific and immovable and to never rely on new partner to pass anything down.

I will do the same.

Not read all the comments on this yet but will do later. I'm about to purchase a property with my partner but unequal equity (mine being about 85%, his the remainder). I know about the Deed of Trust but we also need to consider what would happen should one of us die. From previous relationships he has 4 children and I have 2. Do you allow the one that survives first to continue living in the property (even though his share is much smaller)? Or would it be fairer to the children to sell the house on the death of one of us so the children could get their inheritance? And what difference would it make if we married in the future? Loads to think about!

I think its impossible to be totally fair and you can't predict the future. E.g., if the step kids mum won the lottery, or married a man with assets, would the OPs child expect tp benefit from that?

What matters is how the children feel about it. Would anyone feel left out or hard done by?

The other factor to take into consideration is that by joining forces with the OP the partner's situation is being materially improved as they are becoming home owners and therefore creating an asset which wouldn't be there at all otherwise, and sharing living costs. So all of the children will be better off in the long term in theory.

A friend of mine arranged equity between his children using life insurance and leaving the children of his second marriage property and the other children from his first marriage were named beneficiaries of his policy

Had this with my DH. I have one DS and one DSS. We jointly own three properties and are married. We have no will.

DH wants everything split evenly between the two. I don't. DSS will inherit his mother's house.

So far I have decided against making a will for this reason. If we died intestate my son would get my share.

I think it's fair, your half goes to your one child, his half goes to his children, all five of them. That means your child gets more, but that's just the way it works.

Also, what they inherit or rather don't inherit off of their mother, is irrelevant. Do you base what you buy them for Christmas or where you take them on holiday against what their mother can or cannot afford or chose to do?

I would ask your mum to leave the house to her grandchild. Get it worded carefully so that if you do have another child it is divided between them. Maybe a clause that you can live there until your child is 18 if you wish, so if you were to split up with your partner you have somewhere to go. You may be able to save for a deposit and buy eventually, and your child’s inheritance will help them with university costs etc so you won’t have to save for that. Then if you and your partner do buy somewhere that’s split between all the children

*Grenobe' if you are married I believe your share will go to your husband if you die first and die intestate. You need a will.

You are correct the spouse is higher up the legal totem pole when it comes to inhertence.

If married spouce gets the lot.

If not married children get it, if no children its shared with the closest living relatives (was about to say biological but it does include adapted members of family too)

This all seems to be part of a much wider issue relating to the complications of blending families.

None of which I actually thought about beforehand. Which, in hindsight, was probably a mistake.

Even small things like Christmas. It's trying to work out what's fair. If DP and I spend £100 each on all the children that's fair. I'd never spend more on my son than my DSC. couldn't even entertain the idea but when you think about it, they'll be getting more than my son. If we spend £100 on them and their Mum does the same, they'll have £200 worth of presents from their parents whereas my Son would only have £100 worth of presents.

It's a small thing, not relevant, and despite that, I'd still never spend more on my child at Christmas than my DSC but it's just another example of possible inequalities and difficulties of merging families.

The same issues come up over and over on MN and there's always differing opinions about what's fair and what isn't.

@Biker47 No we don't factor in the Mum when we think about holidays or Christmases.

But in regards to those things, everything is done equally between all the kids.

I wouldn't spend more on my child at Christmas because my step children will be receiving a massive pile of presents from their own Mum which means they will always actually get more than my Son.

My dad’s assets will be split between my DB and I and my two step siblings equally. He’s been in their lives since they were children and I can’t imagine it happening any other way. He’s patented them.

^parented

I don't think there is anything 'fair' you can do. No matter how hard you try, someone will see it as unfair. Only you & your partner can figure out what seems fair enough to you two.

In my experience, the parents divide evenly any estate residue to all kids in a blended family (this is what will happen to me & others in my extended family). In reality I expect my step-mum to long outlive my dad & fritter the entire estate away on her DDs & grandson. ho hum, it's their money. I think I'd ask your mom to change her will to put about half of her estate into a ring fenced fund for her bio-grandson to access when he's 21 or so. You need to name yourself as your son's heir, btw, just in case.

Whatever plan you make now must be reviewed periodically to make sure it's still what feels fairest to you and suitable for everyone's needs, in years to come.

The father of a friend of mine left their estate (big money - many tens of millions) to his three children and his step-son, equally, notwithstanding the fact that he was by that time divorced from his step-son's mother. I guess that is the perfect step family relationship under which there really is no difference, even after divorce... I always thought this was pretty amazing...

@UghNoWay Seems like we are going to just keep stumbling upon issue after issue with being a blended family.

Problem is my DP doesn't think ahead or worry about any of this stuff. He's a, 'we will manage, we will cross that bridge later' type guy. Which sometimes isn't helpful.

I have no idea how we are suppose to find five lots of driving lessons, five cars, university fees, etc.

Soontobe60 that is dreadful.

Op you should also consider what would happen and what you would want to happen if you died.

If your share went to dp then your dc couldn’t not inherit from him and would be left with nothing.

TBH You get shouts of unfair in families where all the kids are the parents kids and there are no step parents involved. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The Xmas present issue shouldn’t matter unless the kids were similar ages.