Inheritance and Stepchildren

[calliebirds]

Feeling totally confused. A terrible thought occurred to me today and I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

It's also hypothetical at this point.

DP has four kids from previous relationship.
Together we have one child.

If DP and I buy a house together how an earth do we deal with inheritance when we both pop our clogs?

Obviously I'm premature to be thinking about this but I'm actually worried now and wondering whether we should never buy a house together.

Would we divide the house in half, my half and his half. My only child would get my half which means in theory, DP would have to split his half between his five kids. Say the house was worth £250k, that would mean my child got £150k and each one of my step children would only get 25k. Which seems unfair to DPs kids if their sibling got so much more than them and yet part of me feels really uncomfortable about splitting it evenly between all of them as in my mind my half should go to my child as much as I love my step children, they aren't my children and my priority is my own child.

This really is so very hypothetical. With people in general living so much longer, the likelihood is that the house will be sold to pay care home costs anyway. And although you'll be hoping that your relationship is going to last the distance, the reality is that you've only been together for 3 years and no one knows how things will pan out.

Your solicitor can discuss these things with you if you do buy a house together and you can both make an informed decision.

DarkStormy yes this is only in the event of both our deaths.

I would split equally.

You keep saying you didn't choose to have the children, but you did choose to enter a marriage with a man who had them.

I think the hurt it would cause and the potential resentment between siblings is too big a risk to take.

I am a big believer in treating children and step-children equally. My kids have nothing to inherit from us, but if my husband hypothetically wanted to give our bio children more compared to my children from my first marriage our marriage would be over. We are a family, no one is more important than the other, so everyone hypothetically gets the same.

@Bluelady Except I do love them but loving them doesn't come easily or naturally to me. As much as I wish it did. I've known them three years and as time passes I do love and care from them more everyday but it's still something I have to work at.

My husband is a step parent to my daughter and he would never leave less inheritance to his stepdaughter - who he sees as his daughter - than our son. As a parent to both children I also could not give one less than the other

@U2HasTheEdge Yes, I chose to enter a relationship with a man who had children but they're not still mine. They have a mother. It is her and DPs responsibility to provide for them and secure their future. Not mine.

Just as it is mine and DPs responsibility to provide and secure our child's future.

If their Mother wasn't around and the step children lived solely with us then things would be different but as it stands they have two perfectly capable parents; just as my son does.

I think in the future our children will go on to have good jobs and don’t forget they will have their own savings and houses hopefully so it won’t be a huge blow if his kids get less. You are your child’s mother and seeing as the other kids do have their own mother your priority finally is your kid only. Your dps priority is all of them, so yes I believe your share should go to your child and his divided between all his kids.

For example say in the future your dps ex wins the lottery she will split this between her kids- your kid won’t be getting anything. Look after your kid. Ultimately if you go you need to know your kid is going to be comfortable.

I would say that I'm uncomfortable with your attitude that you can't help how you feel, however. That may be true, but you should make a decision on this that is fair, not on how you feel. And creating such an imbalance will create resentment and that should be the overriding concern, not just how you feel.

My DSis has a DSS as well as 3 DC of her own, and it wouldn't occur to her to treat him any differently.

I think you know that your attitude isn't right and that's why it's bothering you so much.

People talking about his relationship with his siblings will be effected says more about the siblings than you giving your own kid what you have worked your whole life for.

The siblings will be adults by then and understand your son had a different mother.

It is not an established fair principle that a person should have the same as their sibling. Bringing children up with this idea is what causes problems.

I do see where you’re coming from, but looking at it from your DP’s point of view, you’d be asking him to agree to prioritising one of his children over the others? If you split up and you go on to have a child with another partner, would you agree to something which gave this younger child much more inheritance than your DS? Maybe you can answer yes to that really easily, in which case I think you have your answer about what to do here.

I think it’s a complicated issue and I absolutely completely see your side of it, I just wouldn’t be surprised if your DP had some difficulty with it at an emotional level (even if logically he recognised that it makes sense to split it how you’ve described).

I agree inheritance is not only a problem in blended families. My grandfather was a massive misogynist and left his entire estate to his youngest child, the only son, entirely ignoring his four daughters. Son kept it. Years later when my gran died (they were divorced) her will specified her estate to be split between the four daughters to make up for this. HOWEVER it came out after her death that she has gifted a large sum to her son before her death, because she couldn't bear to leave him nothing. When he hung on to this as well as the entirety of the dads estate, it caused a lot of bad feeling between the siblings. I think part of that was due to the secrecy though. Would have been better imo if gran had just left her estate five ways,and basically said "whatever your dad feels, I love all my children equally and that's that." The cover up made things worse.

That's true. But unfortunately I've witnessed plenty of family arguments over the apportioning of the inheritance, and it's best to do all we can to avoid that happening. Such disputes are awful and can completely break families apart.

Disputes happen when it has been given equally because people want more.
People who are not as emotionally involved want more. Eg mums old and dying, they don't care that 20 years ago she promised to leave her second husbands 1st dc the house or half of it... They see it as their mums house and they want it and all they have to do is ask thier frail dm to change the will.. And she may see it as her house too...

She hasn't seen her step dc much over past 20 years... They havant been supportive to her... It's her house to leave as she wishes.

When in truth that house may have been brought and paid for by her deceased 2nd dh And his 1st wife.

Things, people situations change.

The step dc couldn't care less about the origins of the house and their half siblings

@YogiBear13 I agree completely that it would be very difficult for DP and he'd struggle to accept it on an emotional level. Which is what makes it so tricky and hard. I don't want to upset him.

The way I do see it though, if we choose not to pool resources, and we buy a house each separately, he would obviously leave his house to all his children, splitting five ways, and obviously I'd leave my house to my son. Just as the stepchildrens mother would leave her home to her children.

There all sorts of variables...

Dc being brought up by step mum from v young, dm dying etc.

In those circs I would teat more equally but older dc 10 eg and teens.. No way would I give them the same as my own dc

callie

I think seeing solicitor and hearing it from the them would help to take emotions out of it.

Remember you can change your wishes over time. You can make one set of wills now. Then, in ten years' time or so, you can assess where you are, how you feel and change things if you wish.

You may find that after all that time of living as a blended family, you feel much more of a real and equal family than you do now. Or, you may not.

At the moment, you describe yourself as being in a very half-way position, getting used to the idea of being part of a blended family but not yet fully immersed and seasoned.

Incidentally, if you and DH both dropped dead next week, who would take care of your dc? You need provision for that possibility. He needs it for all his dcs. That need will change over time as the dcs stop being directly dependent on aduts for their care.

@Morethanthisprovincallife My youngest DSC is 8. Eldest is 14.

They live with their Mum. DP is NRP.

If they lived with us permanently and Mum wasn't around or passed away, etc. I would be more than happy to split equally between all but as they do have their own Mother, it changes things.

@Originalsaltedpeanuts I can understand that. That is totally out of order.

@lottiegarbanzo I am definitely still adjusting and trying to get used to things and twenty years from now I might feel totally different.

I do need to put provisions in place for who would care for my DC if me and DP both passed away. It would be my Mum. There isn't anyone else.

DPs children live with their Mum so provided nothing happens to her then obviously if DP died, they would just continue to live with their Mum.

I don't agree with YogiBear13. The husband's half share of the house is his to do with as he wishes. It isn't for him to decide what OP does with her half. Obviously they will discuss these issues, but OP is the one deciding to favour her son, not her partner.