Inheritance and Stepchildren

[calliebirds]

Feeling totally confused. A terrible thought occurred to me today and I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

It's also hypothetical at this point.

DP has four kids from previous relationship.
Together we have one child.

If DP and I buy a house together how an earth do we deal with inheritance when we both pop our clogs?

Obviously I'm premature to be thinking about this but I'm actually worried now and wondering whether we should never buy a house together.

Would we divide the house in half, my half and his half. My only child would get my half which means in theory, DP would have to split his half between his five kids. Say the house was worth £250k, that would mean my child got £150k and each one of my step children would only get 25k. Which seems unfair to DPs kids if their sibling got so much more than them and yet part of me feels really uncomfortable about splitting it evenly between all of them as in my mind my half should go to my child as much as I love my step children, they aren't my children and my priority is my own child.

On the one hand, I could leave him my half, and he gets 1/5 of DPs half too, which means he would get significantly more than his brothers and sisters who might not inherit a bean from their mum which seems totally unfair. But as you say, she might somehow come into money and my step children all end up with masses more than my son. I'd feel terrible then

A will is not a final, forever document. It can be changed and updated at any time. So should mum remarry, win the lottery, or inherit from someone not considered currently to be worth anything but is when they pass, you can make changes to reflect that.

I would normally say split and your half to your child, his half to his children. However. Given that you know inheritance is unlikely on mum’s side for your step children, it would be somewhat disingenuous to do anything other than split evenly amongst all children. You can explain your reasoning when they are old enough to understand.

@SunnyintheSun I guess I needed to know how I felt in a hypothetical basis because when the time comes, I need to know whether I want to commit to buying a house with DP or not. (As I really can't see him sharing my opinion.)

Not a bad idea to get your mum to leave your DC the house. I wouldn’t spilt the money equally. I’d make sure my half went to my DC but I don’t have step children and have never been in that situation so it’s easy for me to say.

My dh is a step child and will end up with nothing, because both parents expect the other to leave them money.
He's used to it, his siblings have had so much more 10x in some cases, and he's had nothing.
It's very sad to see because he loves his family and half siblings and has a good relationship with them, but they just seem to overlook him.
He has to see a counsellor because it gets him down, how can your own family be so distant and uncaring.
It's not the money and he doesn't begrudge his siblings any of the good fortune they have had, and I'm sure they'd all just say, well it's circumstances.

I haven’t read the whole thread so sorry if I’m answering something that’s already been answered.

This is quite a common situation. What people normally do where there are children from a previous relationship is that the first to die leaves the property on life interest trusts for the surviving spouse so that they can continue living in it and don’t have to sell it to pay inheritance to the step children at the point of the first death. Imagine a scenario where your DH dies 20 years before you, you wouldn’t want to have to give half the house to the children at that point!

On the second death the value of the property is split into two half shares. The first share is split between DH’s 5 children and the second share goes to DW’s child/children.

I think this is a fair and logical way to do it.

I've said this before on MN, but I think questions about stepchildren are very difficult to answer, because step-relationships vary so much.

DH and I have left everything to each other, and then to be split 50/50 between our two children: stepDD from his previous marriage and DD together. StepDD has lived with us full time since she was 3. We're one family and I love them both equally. I can't imagine splitting it another way. If SDD was likely to inherit from her mum, I suppose I would need to think about it more.

Ah, yes, that makes sense. It was when we had the discussion too. It was hard at the time but looking back I’m so glad we did split equally as it set the tone for all subsequent family decisions. That said, we also have life insurance in the kids’ names so they will have a maintenance/education fund each of one of us dies, and spousal rights to live in the house until death (then children inherit equally).

@Pitapotamus That is exactly how I'd like to do it. That sounds perfect to me.

I can't see DP agreeing though. He'd want it split evenly between all five. I should think.

When we did our will we made sure that whatever was available when we died was split equally between all the children. We have three children where we are both the parents and my stepson. I would hate my step son to feel that he was second best. Even if he what's in line to inherit millions of his mother I'll do the same because at the end of the day it's not about how much they get but about the feeling of fairness. My stepchild would want to know the he was equally as thought of as his siblings by his father.
My dad has never quite got over his stepaunt not giving him as much as his step brother (her blood nephew). It was nothing to do with the actual amount of money but the fact that he felt he was less loved (as he loved her dearly).

Personally I'd leave my half to my child but leave a small sum to the stepkids.
So for a £250k house where I owned £125k, my stepkids might get £10k each while my child got the rest.

When you choose a man with children you take them on to treat as your own, as children of the family. Obviously you don't love them as much as you love your own child - no step parent does imo - but I think it would be beyond cruel for you to give them such a tiny percentage of the inheritance and your son the lion's share. They didn't choose to come from a split home and I imagine it would break their hearts to lose their dad and then be left forever with the feeling that he didn't love them as much as he loved/valued his son with you.

agree with holey. To be honest you'll be dead you don't want to be leaving a feeling of animosity people never forget this stuff.

@WyfOfBathe It would be a whole different ball game for me if I only had one step child. I'd be more inclined to split 50/50. As there's four though, I don't know, it just doesn't feel right. It somehow feels like my child would be losing out big time.

I suppose, I might've considered giving my child a sibling (if he didn't already have four!) in which case he'd have to split 50/50. But I would never ever have had four kids of my own because I wouldn't want them to miss out, get less, etc. The more there are, the less any of them get.

It's the same with Christmases. With one child they get say £100. If there's two children they get £50 each. Doesn't sound too bad. If there's four children they get £25 each. That sounds bad to me and I'd never have that many for that exact reason. Which is why I feel like it would be unfair for my child to lose out when I didn't have four kids. If that makes sense? It probably doesn't...

They are all children of your family that you’ve chosen to bring together. I would split it evenly between them all. They will have each other after your both gone I wouldn’t want to do anything to damage that. Why would your mum be so gutted that children who are important to you and are blood related to your son received family inheriritance? Or does she not see than as family?

I know what you're saying. From what you're saying it's about the money side of it.

I don't think about the money side. I think about how it would feel and whether it's fair and what it shows. Surely people don't think oh let's look forward to the money just cos that person's died

@PerfectPenquins My mum likes the step kids and she treats them equally when she sees them but she's honest to me when we are alone and no she doesn't seem them as family. I think she has always begrudged the fact I chose to be with a man who had kids already. She wanted better for me. She says.

I think your suggestion was correct. You only have one DC who inherits your half. DP has five DC so his half gets split five ways. You aren’t working to leave money to someone else’s kids - look after your own.

Half tempted to get her to change her will and leave everything to my son, rather than me. grin That'd solve my problem.

Tell her you plan to split any estate between all the DC equally and she can make her own decisions. That's fairest I think.

Although I genuinely think this is the actual issue with step/blended families. There is no right and fair way.

I suppose, I might've considered giving my child a sibling (if he didn't already have four!) in which case he'd have to split 50/50. But I would never ever have had four kids of my own because I wouldn't want them to miss out, get less, etc. The more there are, the less any of them get.

But you DID choose to give your son (or any future child you would have anyway) four siblings because you married a man with four children!

Then to be honest I wouldn’t respect your mums opinion then nor would I believe she would be fair. If she gives you the money then it becomes your choice not hers. Could you look at the children altogether and think one is deserving of more? Or do you look at them and see loving siblings related by blood. Now imagine it was your children who would get significantly less. How would that make you feel? Your husband will probably feel the same. They are children of the man you love whom you chose to be a family with. I just couldn’t treat them differently over money. The children’s love and support for each other is so much more important.

It's the same with Christmases. With one child they get say £100. If there's two children they get £50 each. Doesn't sound too bad. If there's four children they get £25 each. That sounds bad to me and I'd never have that many for that exact reason.

But you are choosing to have this many children by creating a blended family with your DP. You might not have given birth to them but they are joining your family whether they like it or not. That’s the choice you and your DP are making.

Apologies if this has been answered (I've skim read the thread) but a lot of the issues seem to stem from your mother's inheritance. Do you need your mother's inheritance or are you foreseeing basically passing it all or most of it on to your child?

If you don't really need it and plan to pass it on, could you get around this by having your mother leave it directly to your child (and any further biological children) or leave it in a trust (either a discretionary trust for you and your children or a more straightforward trust with the interest to you for life and remainder to your children on your death)?

Then you could split you and your DH's assets equally between all the children. I think that this would be a good compromise in terms of ensuring that your children get a bit extra whilst minimising potential resentment between all the children. Your step-children will have a much closer relationship with you than with your DM so they are a bit less likely to feel unfairly slighted.

What you are doing is gross. Your stepchildren's mother could end up needing to use all of her funds for care costs so any inheritance coming from her should not be expected. While it is fine for you to want your half of the house going to your children you shouldn't be giving your children some of your partners share 'because they won't get another inheritance'.

Gross? Dont be ridiculous. The house we live in is in my name, all the equity in it was put in by me, so in actual fact I'm sharing 'my' house with his children. If I have to fund any care for myself, my DC will get nothing at all from anyone at all.

My DH has been unable to work for several years due to ill health and I have more than happily paid for everything such as Christmas presents, other gifts and towards holidays for them all regardless of whether they are my DC or his (they are all adults).

@AllyMcBeagle I'm really really tempted to get my Mum to leave any inheritance directly to my Son as it would just resolve all of this totally.

Although, the only way I could ever buy a house is with my inheritance which I won't get if I do this.

I could always continue to rent though.

OP I think that your half should go to your son. And your DP's half should be divided equally between his 5 children. However, there is nothing to stop you leaving your 4 step children something in your will.