Inheritance and Stepchildren

[calliebirds]

Feeling totally confused. A terrible thought occurred to me today and I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

It's also hypothetical at this point.

DP has four kids from previous relationship.
Together we have one child.

If DP and I buy a house together how an earth do we deal with inheritance when we both pop our clogs?

Obviously I'm premature to be thinking about this but I'm actually worried now and wondering whether we should never buy a house together.

Would we divide the house in half, my half and his half. My only child would get my half which means in theory, DP would have to split his half between his five kids. Say the house was worth £250k, that would mean my child got £150k and each one of my step children would only get 25k. Which seems unfair to DPs kids if their sibling got so much more than them and yet part of me feels really uncomfortable about splitting it evenly between all of them as in my mind my half should go to my child as much as I love my step children, they aren't my children and my priority is my own child.

My mum and stepdad got married when I was 10. He wasn’t exactly a substitute father to me as my DF was on the scene (to the extent he was capable, which was limited due to his mental health) but SD was a wonderful DH to my mum and always there for us. He is a GP to my DCs as much or more than any of their blood relatives. SD and I had some differences during my teens and 20s — I always loved him on some level but in the past 20 years we’ve grown to really enjoy each other.

My SD had one child from a prior marriage. My mum and SD had no DCs together. Mum had a good career and some savings but SD was always the much higher earner. My mum died very very unexpectedly earlier this year. I found out that mum and SD had arranged that the first of them to die would leave everything to the other, but then there was an irrevocable agreement that the second spouse to die would leave everything to the three children in equal shares. I was so touched and blown away, although in retrospect anger 33 years of being family I would probably have felt weird if my stepbro all of a sudden was in line for everything. My SD is very frugal so unless he uses it on care theee will be a substantial inheritance pot (£2 million+) left when he dies, which hopefully won’t be for a long time.

Also since my mum died my sister has had a messy divorce and been nearly homeless. My SD has helped her out exactly as he would his own child — with grumbles and tough love but always coming through. We are all heartbroken to have lost my mum and I can’t believe im only really realizing now what an amazing man SD is and how lucky we all are. Although he still annoys the s**t out of me!

I don’t know if this may someday be your situation OP, but keep in mibd you don’t want to draw a wedge between your child and his siblings. My stepbrother knew about this before my mum died and gave his blessing so we are closer than ever too.

Bluelady
This may sound harsh but you can protest your love for your stepchildren as much as you like but you're not prepared to put your money where your mouth is. Our four are our children and that's the way we'll treat them. My son considers the others his siblings and would be pretty disgusted with us if we did anything else.

That's how we see it. Our 6 just don't differentiate between step/sibling.

A 6 way split seems the fairest way for us

I would say that your 50% of the home would go to your child. DP 50% would be split between all of his children (so another 10% would go to your child)

Definitely consult with a solicitor to ensure that is written into the agreement when you buy a home!

Remember, these 4 children also have a mother who will inherit her estate when she passes, so that makes it fair.

If you are putting inheritance money in then there are lots of things to consider so you need legal advice . And just because you make provisions one way now does not mean you can’t change it later . Just weigh up the options and if you have a good relationship you will come to an agreement .

@Seeingadistance It's all hypothetical at the moment because if we popped our clogs tomorrow none of our children would get anything. We rent. Have no savings. Nothing of any value.

This is all on the basis that if we bought a house together, half of the money put in would be mine. In which case my only child should receive my half and 1/5 of DPs half.

If it's not like that because I end up not inheriting anything due to care costs, etc. And it's DPs money that has exclusively paid for our home then I'm obviously fine with it just being split equally five ways between all the children.

As I said, entirely hypocritical. Both of us could end up inheriting nothing due to care costs, in which case we will never buy our own home and this is a pointless discussion.

I don't know how you are financially for another direct debit but if I was you I think I would split the joint house evenly between all siblings but have a life insurance policy on your own life for your own son (maybe your partners life too) in addition to the mortgage one just for cash so if your dc is going to get £40k instead of £100k because you had kept it fair maybe make the policy for £60k.

That's a totally reasonable thing for a mum to do for their child and it's not a family thing like a house is, maybe your stepchildren have one from their mum even though she doesn't have a house. My dp and I rent but our kids should get £100k each of one of us die

I think that largely you’re doing the split the right way, providing you’re both making an equal(ish) contribution to the family finances.

My Dad and his second wife have no children. Dad has four (I’m the eldest), she has one who is a year younger than me. She had a piece of land when they met but she couldn’t afford to build on it as she was a single mum on benefits. Dad could get a mortgage, so they built a large home. She had to come off benefits but didn’t work until her son was 14 (six years from when they met). Dad has always earned three times what she earns. Two years ago Dad has a heart scare with a bypass, and it was made known then that when Dad dies, his share is to be split five ways (his four kids plus his wife) but she is to remain in situ until she dies. Her share goes completely to her son. Dads covered the mortgage etc so I don’t think it’s fair.

@Bluelady I do definitely put my money where my mouth is but regarding the future, it feels different somehow.

I've just put £1000 into a savings account to buy the step children Christmas presents. None of that money comes from DP. It was a gift from my Mum to me. I've put it aside to buy my step children Christmas presents because I'm so bloody worried about Christmas and wanting to make sure they don't miss out.

Regarding the future though, of course I want my own child to have my half. If it's my half then it's come from my Mum most likely and she'd be bloody furious with me if I didn't leave it all to her only grandchild.

I'm not their mother. As much as I love and care for them, obviously I don't feel the same way about them as I do my own child. As hard as I try, I can't change how I feel. I treat them all equally while they are here obviously and never show favouritism but I can't change how I feel inside. I've only known them three years.

I think that largely you’re doing the split the right way, providing you’re both making an equal(ish) contribution to the family finances.

I’m not sure that’s fair tbh. Just because one partner isn’t in a position to contribute equally to the mortgage etc, doesn’t mean they don’t contribute in other ways to the family. If a couple want to live as a team, want to be a family, then to me they should value each other’s contributions to the home whether financial or otherwise.

@MyRelationshipIsWeird part of me wants one more child but it's not going to happen. For several reasons. Finances being one. We can't afford any more children.

Everything you've said though is my biggest dilemma. I don't want to do this and be the cause of my son losing his family over it.

There is no guarantees there will be any inheritance. What if you have to pay for care?

it is a tricky one but in your position I would prioritise my DD. If my father and stepmum died I would never expect to inherit from her. What’s hers goes to her children and what’s my dads goes to us, I would never feel less loved. Your stepchildren have their own parents to provide for them.

Also please stop saying “popped our clogs.” As someone who is recently bereaved it doesn’t sit right but also it’s just... yech.

Reading the perspectives of adult step children on here, it seems that they generally don’t begrudge the other siblings getting a fair share, but the insurance idea is an interesting one.

@BlowPoke I'm so sorry you lost your Mum.

That's exactly what I don't want. To drive a wedge between my son and his brothers and sisters.

Am i reading this right that you are predicating this whole hypothetical on inheriting money from parents who are currently living?? That’s just not something you should do, for many reasons.

Speaking as a child from first marriages...

My mum and stepdad split everything 50/50 between myself and my brother (biologically SDs)

My dad and stepmum decided both wills should be the same - 3 kids (1 just his, 2 shared). They decided to split into fifths so that stepchild got 1/5th and shared children got 2/5ths. Mathematical.

I suppose it depends how you see it - as purely monetary or as worth or whether you consider the effect on the siblings after you die - will an equal or unequal split create resentment?

I will say that the first one sadly came in to practice this year - 50/50 except family business which rightly passed to bio child.

I will also say that while I understand the mathematical viewpoint I found it very hard as a child to be informed as I equated it with worth. Still haven't really forgiven my dad.

Personally I'd think about what matters more - future harmony with siblings or (more) financial security for your child. Would it be possible to split everything equally but have put a share aside for a purpose (e.g. bio child's uni fees etc.)?

Thanks OP. And I’ve been such a bitch to you, I’m sorry. It’s all just very raw still. I don’t blame you for being conflicted. If my mum had died 3 years into her marriage it may have been very different.

@Babyroobs As I said, it's all hypothetical. Both me and DP night never inherit anything due to care costs in which case this is a pointless discussion as we'll likely be renting forever. We could only get a house if we inherit. We don't have the means otherwise.

I've also said, if DP inherits and I don't, and the house we buy comes from DPs money then obviously I'm fine with splitting it five ways.

This is just all on the basis that if we ever owned a home that half of it was money I put in.

It is important to get it right though. I had a great aunt who married a man with children. When he died, she inherited everything and spent most of it on trips abroad. The small amount that was left came to my dad as her next of kin ( as her will stipulated), his kids got nothing which seemed very unfair. She had never owned a property before she married him later in life, pretty much all the money came from him.

You probably won't drive a wedge because your son could very well redistribute everything into equal shares. I'm pretty sure mine would if we made it inequitable.

My only child would get my half which means in theory, DP would have to split his half between his five kids.

I think this is the norm, so shouldn't cause issues in the future between the children. I know a few cases were this has happened and has not caused any resentment.

You need to protect your child. As an example lets say you split it equally. Your DPs ex comes into money (although you expect there to be no inheritance maybe there's an aunt/uncle/friend who could leave her something) she is unlikely to include your child in that split and therefore your child will end up 'worse off'.

@BlowPoke It's fine.

I'm sorry for being insensitive and I honestly can't imagine what you're going through.

Inheritances that don't cause rows work because they're designed for the living, not as the parting shot from the dead.

Be very, very careful when 'fair' is a million miles away from 'equal'.

Your DCS, step or otherwise, need to get on with each other, more so than normal in a world without parents. No matter how old they are, incidentally.

Splitting DCs apart through the means of life-changing sums of money doesn't usually help family harmony.

Oh and No, you can't ask DCs to take care of you in your old age when you've left the lot to someone else. It doesn't work like that.

Myself and DP have 1 DS and I have 1 DS. This is both of our children's home.

We need to get wills made but they will state that if one of us dies the other can live in the property until dead/we sell and then the proceeds are split 50/50 between both boys. Not 75/25 to our shared DS.

We also both have life insurance that will go 50/50 to the kids on payout (after other expenses have been taken in to account).

My DS may inherit from my family and exs family, our DS may inherit from my family and DPs family but that is neither here nor there. They are our kids and we will make sure they both inherit from us.