Inheritance and Stepchildren

[calliebirds]

Feeling totally confused. A terrible thought occurred to me today and I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

It's also hypothetical at this point.

DP has four kids from previous relationship.
Together we have one child.

If DP and I buy a house together how an earth do we deal with inheritance when we both pop our clogs?

Obviously I'm premature to be thinking about this but I'm actually worried now and wondering whether we should never buy a house together.

Would we divide the house in half, my half and his half. My only child would get my half which means in theory, DP would have to split his half between his five kids. Say the house was worth £250k, that would mean my child got £150k and each one of my step children would only get 25k. Which seems unfair to DPs kids if their sibling got so much more than them and yet part of me feels really uncomfortable about splitting it evenly between all of them as in my mind my half should go to my child as much as I love my step children, they aren't my children and my priority is my own child.

You also need to consider the scenario of what happens when 1 of you dies? Which is much more likely than you both going at the same time.
Do you leave to each other? Do you leave a lifetime interest, or expect a bereaved partner to sell up? What if the surviving partner remarries?

As a child (well adult child now!) Of a step parent family, I agree with sailorcherries point of view.

I would try and fudge. Make a will that allowed the surviving spouse to live there until they died. Then let your joint child the right to live there until they were 25-30 'if' they wanted, with the right to buy their step siblings out at current market value.

Then split it 50% to 12.5%*4. By that time they will be old enough that the money will not be that significant to their lives and they should all be mature enough to understand the decision.

@myrelationshipisweird
I’m not sure that’s fair tbh. Just because one partner isn’t in a position to contribute equally to the mortgage etc, doesn’t mean they don’t contribute in other ways to the family. If a couple want to live as a team, want to be a family, then to me they should value each other’s contributions to the home whether financial or otherwise.

Dad supported us through child maintenance, plus her and her son (no benefits, no child support from her former partner). Without going into it much, she didn’t contribute in the housekeeping area as Dad did it, and the four of us lived with our mum. She didn’t make a contribution in services as there was no childcare apart from her own child, and as I say, Dad salary dwarfed hers, so hers when she did start earning was ‘pin money’. So effectively he’ll get handed circa 800k from Dads hard work while we will get 160k. Dad covered his uni fees, living allowance etc It was hard for us to swallow when it was announced, but as Dad was going in for a bypass the next day, it wasn’t the time to discuss our feelings, and since then, it’s made the family atmosphere very awkward. It was made more difficult for me as I wasn’t aware that his fees were paid for (I paid my own way), and I also discovered he and two siblings had received a 50k gift each towards their deposits. I didn’t as there was a cash flow issue that resolved itself in time for his gift a year later. I live in the U.K. but would have flown to Oz twice a year to visit. The uncomfortable feeling has meant I’ve only visited the once since then.

So I think a split can be fair at 50/50 across the parents then divided by the children, but financial contributions should be considered too or you risk an uncomfortable relationship when you do pass. I do recommend talking it through with your children when they’re old enough so they can understand your wishes. Several friends have been involved in inheritance battles as step children or step parents as wills have come as a surprise. While I don’t agree with Dads arrangements, I wouldn’t dispute the will as he’s confirmed his intentions to us.

I think you need to see this from the children’s perspective, not your own. Leaving unequal amounts to different family members will make them feel valued differently- and is likely to drive a huge wedge. If you are in it for the long term then all children should inherit equally as children of YOUR family, irrespective of who brought what to the relationship or what they may inherit from outside the family (eg from other parents).

Our kids are preteens and they already understand and agree it should be like this. They would be appalled and hurt if we treated them differently, even though in reality my child is ‘missing out’ on some inheritance (I brought more to the relationship).

@Bluelady In a way I actually I hope I raise my son to be a man that wouldn't even hesitate to do redistribute equally between his siblings.

And if he did that then I'd be happy. It would be his to do as he wishes.

I just can't shake the fact though that I'm his Mum, he's my only child and I should be doing everything in my power to ensure he has the very very best future.

@Dillydallyingthrough This is my issue.

On the one hand, I could leave him my half, and he gets 1/5 of DPs half too, which means he would get significantly more than his brothers and sisters who might not inherit a bean from their mum which seems totally unfair. But as you say, she might somehow come into money and my step children all end up with masses more than my son. I'd feel terrible then.

@LanaorAna2 I have no siblings so struggle to understand the bond and yet I see them all together and it would be my worst nightmare if they drifted apart or fell out. Especially if I was the one to cause that. I wouldn't want to be the reason my son lost his parents and then due to inheritance also lost his brothers and sisters.

We have a similar situation. I have 2 DSC who I love who are young adults and my DH and I have 1 DS who is 5. We have a house together and also a property each which we rent out (all mortgaged!). At the moment we would split our home 3 ways but my old house goes to my son and his old property is split between the 3 (once contributing deposits taken in to account). It is hard as I really can't stand the idea of the children falling out after our passing (My grandmother and her siblings fell out due to inheritance and I lost some dear cousins) but also I am aware that DSC will inherit from their mother and my DS will not have a separate inheritance.
If we sell old properties we will have to revisit. But i love DSC so will not split 50:50 with them not benefiting at all from my half. But will also need to weight in favour of my son too. It is difficult x

I've also said, if DP inherits and I don't, and the house we buy comes from DPs money then obviously I'm fine with splitting it five ways but can you try and put yourself in a situation where you had a child from a previous relationship who ended up with nothing in that situation, while his/her sibling got a huge sum? Your child’s worst case scenario is that they get the same amount as their siblings. If worst case was that all the siblings got 5 times the amount and your child only got a small amount you might feel differently. If your DH’s kids all got their £25k and yours got £5k imagine how you’d feel when your DH spelled out how logically it was the right thing to do.

Calliebirds - what would you do with your money if you had another child, or adopted one? (I know you have chosen not to but hypothetically). When you commit to a blended family, IMO you need to be prepared to commit to his children in the same way as if they were your own. If that doesn’t appeal then perhaps live separately until the children are grown up?

@Beamur I'd like to think we would leave it to each other so we could go on living in our home until the other passes away on the agreement that when we are both gone that it is split between the children however we have agreed prior to any deaths.

Go with your instincts OP and you know what they are.

Your child should get your share. As much as you love your step children they are not yours. The reality is that when they are older they may not be close at all anyway.

Inheritance is always going to cause issues. But most people understand 'looking after your own'. I couldn't stomach my own child missing out to children who are not mine no matter how much I loved them. However, perhaps there are things you could leave your step children to show them how much you care for them. Best of luck x

I’m a step child. There are 4 children in the blended family. All children will inherit equally. Personally, I think this is fair and I don’t think any other inheritance is relevant. I have no idea and neither do I care what my step siblings will receive from their father and they have no clue what me and my sibling will receive from our mother (nothing)

If my step child/half child got more than me (which I actually think will happen on my dad and step mum's case) I will feel like they loved them more (which again I do this is the case in my dad and step mum's case). That is 100 per cent how I'd see it

@SunnyintheSun I do agree actually.

I'd be heart broken if my step children thought they were worth less.

I also think it's very likely that is exactly how they'd feel. They wouldn't see it as my half and their dads half. They'd probably see it as, they're bereaved, going through a dreadful time and now feeling worthless like they were less important to us.

I honestly don't know what to do.

@MyRelationshipIsWeird Yeah, I totally get that.

@SunnyintheSun obviously if I had any more children, it would be split equally between them.

This isn't the sort of thing that crosses your mind when you first enter a relationship though. I met DP, fell in love, etc. I was happy to love and care for his children but inheritance hadn't even crossed my mind.

calliebirds
That is what we have done. Our home is left to the remaining spouse (we're married now, but weren't when we started thinking about this) with the expectation of fairness, subject to needing to downsize/pay for care etc. We have 3 kids between us.

@Lovingit81 I couldn't stomach my own child missing out to children who are not mine no matter how much I loved them.

That's exactly how I feel. I feel guilty for feeling that way but I just can't help how I feel.

Obviously this is something I need to discuss seriously with DP.

I just have a terrible feeling he isn't going to agree or understand why I feel this way. I may be wrong of course but I think he'll probably think whatever the case, it should just be split equally five ways. Obviously I get why he would probably feel like that, he isn't going to want one of his children getting more than the others but I think I'll struggle to make him understand that I obviously want my half to go to my only child.

It’s good you are thinking about it. And if it’s too big a jump to take now, how about draw up a will now on a on yours/mine but agree with your DP to review in 3 or 5 years? Things can change so much in that time - you might feel very differently in a few years anyway.

As this is all on a hypothetical basis that any home we own I would be evenly paying half of through inheritance from my Mum, I'm
Half tempted to get her to change her will and leave everything to my son, rather than me. That'd solve my problem.

@SunnyintheSun neither of us have wills currently. Neither of us having anything to leave to anyone. Which isn't changing anytime soon anyway. Luckily none of this is a problem or an issue for us at the moment. It's future. Far far away future. It just randomly dawned on me earlier as it isn't something I'd ever thought about before, that when the time comes it's something that we would need to think about.

This is perfectly simple, split everything completely equally between all the children so there's total fairness. That way no arguements and no favouritism. My Dad did exactly this splitting everything between three stepchildren and two biological children. I know he didn't regard step children as his but he wanted to be respectful to his wife. I have enormous respect for him for doing this.