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Original poster

Inheritance and Stepchildren

450 replies

calliebirds · 01/09/2018 22:41

Feeling totally confused. A terrible thought occurred to me today and I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

It's also hypothetical at this point.

DP has four kids from previous relationship.
Together we have one child.

If DP and I buy a house together how an earth do we deal with inheritance when we both pop our clogs?

Obviously I'm premature to be thinking about this but I'm actually worried now and wondering whether we should never buy a house together.

Would we divide the house in half, my half and his half. My only child would get my half which means in theory, DP would have to split his half between his five kids. Say the house was worth £250k, that would mean my child got £150k and each one of my step children would only get 25k. Which seems unfair to DPs kids if their sibling got so much more than them and yet part of me feels really uncomfortable about splitting it evenly between all of them as in my mind my half should go to my child as much as I love my step children, they aren't my children and my priority is my own child.

OP posts:
Original poster
calliebirds · 02/09/2018 14:05

@SandyY2K Sometimes I feel Step Parents are told they have no parental responsibilities. They shouldn't get involved with raising the children. They have no say, etc. But in the same breath they are excepted to provide unconditional love, support, care, money and even inheritance to children who they have no rights for, where they aren't allowed a say in any aspect of their lives and how dare they get involved, etc. It's down to Mum and Dad to deal with and parent as they see fit and Step Parent should stay out of it, etc. Hmm

We aren't allowed to attend parents evenings or sports days, we aren't allowed to have a say in bedtimes or how often they brush their teeth. We don't get birthday cards or Christmas presents. We aren't invited to their birthday parties.

We are expected to provide unconditional love and support and money as if they are our own children but we have zero say in any aspect of their lives. We aren't allowed to moan and how dare we not split our money between our children and stepchildren evenly.

OP posts:
Original poster
calliebirds · 02/09/2018 14:07

@puffyisgood Totally agree.

This would all be on the basis that half or more of the money in the house is money I put forward.

If it was DPs house and I'd not contributed a penny or at least half then I'd be fine with him splitting it evenly between all his children.

OP posts:
funinthesun18 · 02/09/2018 14:09

Exactly Sandy. I have two stepparents and I don’t expect a penny from them. My stepmum has her own son to think of and he is more important to her. Why wouldn’t he be? My stepdad doesn’t have any children so he could leave all of his money to the dog’s home instead of me and my brother and it wouldn’t bother me because that’s his money and we’re not his children. My stepdad’s parents will be leaving all of their assets to their actual grandchildren and I don’t blame them.
Me and my brother have our own parents and our own grandparents.
As a stepparent myself, I won’t be leaving my dsc a penny either.

MrsPworkingmummy · 02/09/2018 14:10

DH and I have two children together and he also has 3 from a previous relationship who are grown up. My 50% is split between our two children and his half is split between the 5 of them. If both DH and I died, the property would stay with our 2 children (who both live there) until they are 25. They will then have the option to buy out their siblings for 30% his children are due to receive.

Bluelady · 02/09/2018 14:10

Ah, now we get to the crux of the matter. This isn't about your (imaginary) inheritance at all. You resent being a step parent. For all your protestations of love, now it's expected. To be honest, OP, I now feel quite sorry for those children, they probably sense that resentment and I'm sure their dad does. It sounds like a very unhappy situation.

Original poster
calliebirds · 02/09/2018 14:20

@Bluelady Making assumptions is never good.

There is no getting to the crux of the matter. Hmm

Not that it matters, not that I feel the need to justify myself to you but actually my step children are wonderful, happy and well rounded children. They don't sense my nonexistent resentment. Hmm If I wasn't happy with my life, my family, my DP and my stepchildren then I wouldn't be with DP. Simple as.

My stepchildren and I have a very very good relationship. There isn't a single aspect of which that I would feel the need to change.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 02/09/2018 14:23

We aren't allowed to attend parents evenings or sports days, we aren't allowed to have a say in bedtimes or how often they brush their teeth. We don't get birthday cards or Christmas presents. We aren't invited to their birthday parties.

I certainly don't recognise this situation at all. Whoever said you can't do any of the above? Except for maybe a random poster on MN.

You clearly want to go ahead and divide your inheritance this way. A lot of people agree that this is acceptable. You got your validation, so there is no issue really, is there?

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/09/2018 14:23

Op you don't know that your partner would have an issue with it. mines dosnt without split (see earlier post). He sees it as my money made pre relationship and for me to leave to.whom I choose - my son

SandyY2K · 02/09/2018 14:24

@puffyisgood

hard to answer hypothetically without knowing the history of the assets... e.g. if DH already owned the house when he met you

It was very clear in the first post. The OP was talking about the purchase of a house in the future.

Stepkids can't have it both ways. My DB is divorced and remarried. He has DC...his wife doesn't.

They have a house. , but is perfectly within her rights to give her half to her nieces and nephews upon her death.

His DC have 2 parents to leave inheritance to them.

The fact that the Ex in this situation doesn't own a house... is not really the OPs problem.

To balance things your DP can take out life insurance policies with them as beneficiaries. That would be his choice.

MeyMary · 02/09/2018 14:27

Well, the wealth you're currently amassing (? I don't think that's the right term in English...) may not be inherited.

Care costs etc might consume quite a bit.

I would think that your child gets his half and 1/5 of his father's estate. The DSchildren will get 1/5 of their father's and their mother's estate (presumably divided through 4 or however many children their mother has).

It is however important to take care of these things as long as you're still alive.

Especially because you're unlikely to both die at the same time...

It is e.g. possible to give the surviving DP the right to use the house without owning the other half of the property...

I feel like these kinds of issues are much more difficult.... The estate goes to the 2nd wife or husband and the children of the previous marriage may not receive anything at all... (In some countries.)

KasimirPushkino · 02/09/2018 14:31

I think you know exactly how you would deal with the situation you asked about, you just posted here to have people tell you it's all fine and you're completely right.

ashtrayheart · 02/09/2018 14:34

My dp and I are similar in that we rent, could potentially inherit but in our case it's on both sides. I have occasionally pondered how we would write the will but unless we actually inherit will assume it will go on care bills!
But if it does happen, me and dp have 2 children together, he has one other and I have 2 others so 5 in total. We would probably split everything 5 ways if we both inherit money.

Lizzie48 · 02/09/2018 14:35

We aren't allowed to attend parents evenings or sports days, we aren't allowed to have a say in bedtimes or how often they brush their teeth. We don't get birthday cards or Christmas presents. We aren't invited to their birthday parties.

This might be how it is for some stepparents, but it certainly doesn't have to be that way. My DSis was her DSS's primary carer for some years, when his mum moved away to be with her new partner and had him every other weekend.

I don't think she went to parents' evenings, but she certainly had a key role in looking after him at home. They have a very good relationship, he's now 21 and in the army, with a baby of his own.

Sallystyle · 02/09/2018 14:37

If I wasn't happy with my life, my family, my DP and my stepchildren then I wouldn't be with DP. Simple as.

Well, you did say the poster who posted the below was probably onto something.

Do you maybe have some doubts about the relationship more generally, and your mind is using this hypothetical problem as a hook to hang them on? Ignore if I'm way off!

So I can see why BlueLady came to the conclusion that she did. Your rant about not being allowed to attend sports day etc does make it sound like there is resentment around being a SP. Blending families is difficult and sometimes full of problems, so it is totally understandable.

MeyMary · 02/09/2018 14:43

I would not expect you to split your money equally. You may wish to consider them in some way but that's imo completely voluntary and not something to expect.

I would however think about what happens to the house both of you would hopefully live in when one of you dies.

If you were to inherit your DH's half your stepchildren may inherit nothing. If your DH were to inherit yours your DC may only inherit 1/5 of everything...

Your stepchildren suddenly owning half of the house you live in (with equal property rights...) may be very unfortunate as well.

There are ways around this (at least in Germany, a right to inhabit for a certain amount of time or eveb life... But I'd be surprised if there wasn't one in the UK) and I'd advise you to look into them as soon as you actually buy a house.

Original poster
calliebirds · 02/09/2018 14:48

@U2HasTheEdge She was onto something but totally unrelated to my step children. Separate issues between me and DP about totally different things.

I have actually attended a few parents evenings for my stepchildren. Most school host them over two days so Mum goes the first night and me and DP go on the second.

I personally have no issues with our set up or my role as step parent. I care for them and will give them advice, love them, etc. I don't expect anything in return and have no desire to actually be a parent to them. Just a friend, a shoulder to cry on, someone they can confide in, etc.

I was just making a generally point that I see often on MN step parents being told they have no say, etc. All the while still being expected to provide all the things I mentioned earlier in my other post.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 02/09/2018 14:53

SandyY2K*

"...does every beneficiary have to know what the others received?

Can they not just be told what their individual inheritance is?"

When you inherit ( in my limited recent experience) you are told what you get. You can ask to know the contents of the will. The executor/s will be told you asked.

Original poster
calliebirds · 02/09/2018 14:54

@U2HasTheEdge and yes I did indeed get the validation I needed.

Discussing with DP is is going to be another matter entirely

OP posts:
Originalsaltedpeanuts · 02/09/2018 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
calliebirds · 02/09/2018 14:56

@Spanglyprincess1 No I don't know what he would think and the only way to find out is to talk to him about it but I guess I can already see it from his perspective in the sense that all five are his children and he may struggle on an emotional level to accept one of his five receiving so much more than the others

OP posts:
Bluelady · 02/09/2018 15:01

Wills are public record. Anyone can see the contents of any will once probate has been granted.

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/09/2018 15:02

My dp approached it that's it's my money to do as I pleased. If I had five children and him three then his would get more but that isn't the case. My circs were different as I brought most of the assets to.the relationship so they are mine alone. Again it's up to dp what he does with his assets and I would never assume what he would do with them.
However I am.ptotecting him IE that he can remain in the property til a time he moves, etc and then only his % goes to h and the retail to kids at that time. Same as he is with me.
Joint families are complicated but he would always assume someone would put their biological children first, obviously of step children move in with us permenantly then the arrangments may change but this is how they are for now.

Original poster
calliebirds · 02/09/2018 15:28

@Spanglyprincess1 I do think my DP will struggle to understand I get that.

I look at our family, all the children together, (it may be different when they are adults) but now I see them all together as siblings and all they have is love. They don't differentiate between what's mine and what's their dads. We are just all family. And actually it makes me feel like some kind of monster by making it a mine and his thing

OP posts:
Morethanthisprovincallife · 02/09/2018 15:28

Op the more you say the more I'd just go for half and his in equal shares also include your son together. That is the absolute fairest division.

If their step mum ever comes into money non will be going your sons way. Their gp may who knows that's their business not yours.

You look after your son. As pp said you can update and change wills as things go but you need to make sure your sons half is ring fenced. Afternoon your death and after your dp death.

Morethanthisprovincallife · 02/09/2018 15:31

Right now in my 1st and hopefully last marriage, dh and I have put everything into our house, lives etc now. I absolutely expect these assets to go to our dc.

If I ever married again, at my age and the prospective age of dc, I would not expect any new dh to give mine any money on death and I wouldn't give any to steps dc aside from token items and gestures.

BTW many step never consider this, the very fact op is thinking about it shows what a nice person she is

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