“He’s so good” AIBU?

[2minutespeace]

Happily married to a man I love dearly for over ten years. Have one DS.

I work 45 hours a week, he works 37, however I work mine over four days, his over five. We split housework 50/50 with both of us playing to our strengths (I can burn water, so he cooks, he’s terrible at general cleaning whereas I’m fussy so I take care of polishing and dusting etc etc etc) as well as spending the same amount of quality time/ childcare of our son.

Every time a relative or a friend or colleague finds this out, I get “ohhhh isn’t he good, aren’t you lucky”

AIBU to find this infuriating? I began a relationship with a grown man, not a child. I expect us to put half each into the drudge work so that we both get the same amount of leisure time.

I’m a wife, not a servant, and I certainly wouldn’t expect people to say I’m “good” for performing half a couples worth of life skills, in fact I’d find it intolerably patronising.

YANBU

YADNBU

Relative to other men, he's good. Sad that that's the way it is. In another generation or two we may have something approaching equality in the domestic drudgery apportionment but we're certainly not there yet.

YANBU at all. I have similar-yes my DH is awesome but so am I-we're a team. My mum once commented on how much he helps me with housework. She got very bluntly reminded that it is not my housework for him to 'help' me with! HV also fawned over DH at weigh in clinic a few days after our son's birth as apparently him being there with me was so incredible. She nearly mounted him on the spot when she heard that he had gasp done a night feed

Yanbu this boils my piss too

I used to work 7 days in a row, shifts so 56+ hrs a week and my dh worked 8-4Mon to Fri yet my own mother thought he was amazing for taking our baby shopping to Asda himself in the evening while I was out working!!

Similar attitudes held from dh mother, women get no recognition for working outside the home. We are still expected to do everything at home and it's just wonderful if the man steps up

You are absolutely NBU. Your experience just reflects the massive inequality we still face in everyday life.
You don’t have to read too many threads on here before you come across men who barely lift a finger around the house and haven’t a clue how to look after their kids, so I suppose coming at it from that angle you would view your DH as “good”.

DH does way more than 50% of housework and nearly all cooking. I am very lucky. It never crossed my mind that he should do less than 50% and I should feel grateful for any contribution. Yanbu

You should act confused when someone says it and say what do you mean I am lucky

And when they list the stuff your dh does...say something like but I do them too, does that make him lucky?

Then.finish it off by telling them that being part of a couple means both doing their fair share, and that you feel so sorry for them that they are not in a relationship like that ..then do a mock sympathetic face and head tilt...and watch their expression change as they won't know what to say next😂😂

Yanbu

Can't stand this I get it too

An equal partnership is just that equal!

That means sharing everything, the good, the bad and the responsibilities equally.

How that is split is unique to every couples/families circumstances obviously.

I suppose I'm lucky I happened to find a partner who feels the same so we've never had the problem of one of us "not pulling our weight" but the other side of that is I just wouldn't have set up a long term committed relationship (i.e. Living together getting married having children) with someone who didn't feel or act that way.

Yanbu. But some people are shocked at partners that do their bit because they are used to seeing wasters of men that had their mums do everything for them so have no interest in keeping surfaces clean or tidying up after themselves. Luckily for me my husband was actually cleaner and tidier then myself and motivates me to tidy not the other way around . I'm usually the one to make a small mess and forget to clean it every so often

When our twins were born other women would go crazy when DH went out alone with them, they would offer to help feed them, coo over how good he was for doing this. Did this do this when I went out, did they fuck.

YANBU but I would say he is good compared to a lot of men. Sad, but true.

In another generation or two we may have something approaching equality in the domestic drudgery apportionment but we're certainly not there yet.

I remember my DM saying this to me nearly 40 years ago. I'm beginning to think it will never happen.

This was my mother with my first husband. She still can’t believe I left him (he cared about one thing - money) but my god he changed nappies so I should have stayed.

Yep, I have this all the time. If I complain that my husband doesn't do his fair share people are outraged, because the fact that he does ANYTHING at all is considered more than enough.

My neighbour considers that her relationship is a huge success compared to mine, because she and her husband work the same hours, but she does everything. All the housework, the garden, the car, the paperwork, every single last detail of their lives, even his elderly parents etc. Their kids are teenagers and they don't do anything in the house to help either. Where's the success in that I hear you ask? Well apparently its that she doesn't complain. That's why she thinks she has made it work far better than I. She simply doesn't complain.

YANBU at all.

I get this all the bloody time.

NO it is not down to 'luck'. It down to my good judgement in not choosing to marry a twat.

But, you are lucky if you have a partner who you love, who loves you back, you both have a job, a home, you share the household duties... There are many, many people who are not fortunate enough to have all these positives in their lives.

just Reply no hes just nota chauvinist, did you make a mistake and marry one?

I grew up with a father cooking, he’d have a meal ready for when my mum got home from work

That was the 60 & 70s

I really don't understand why people put up with this shit. But maybe it stems from my grandparents. Born in the 30's for context. They both worked all their adult lives, and they both worked around each other to look after their children. When his health deteriorated, he was still expected to pitch in around the house. When she was ill at times he looked after her and the house etc.

I think more people should have actually grown up conversations before they even start living together, never mind procreate. There are so many females on here and rl who accept taking up all the slack for everything to the point of making excuses about why these so-called adults couldn't possibly do it. Forgetting if these guys lived alone they would have to cook, clean etc.

I made it clear. I am not your parent. I am not your maid. You are responsible just the same as me. This means you cook, clean and shop just like I do. I don't have extra arms that come out of my fanny that enables me to do these things. Before we had a child, I made it clear I wasn't stopping working to take on full childcare. That I would continue to work, childcare would be split equally by us, none of this bollocks about there's not much left out of my wage after child-related costs. And when the child was ill it wasn't down to me to take time off. His career never suffered as a result either and financially I could have stayed at home. I wouldn't call this luck. I would call this having values that I stuck to, and expected the person I lived with to be a grown up.

There are still entirely too many women, never mind men, who are amazed at men who are equal partners and treat them like some rare specimen. It annoys me.

DH is not so good - he doesn't do equal shares in the home, but then I don't currently do paid work either so fair enough. However, whenever he's been away on conference for a few days he comes back whinging about him "having to" take turns on the cooking and washing up and so on, and how no other blokes have to do that. His mother tells him that he shouldn't have to do cooking and washing up because he works (she's a proper surrendered wife though). Takes a few days to remind him that he is being a Role Model for his sons, who I would like to turn out as equal partners in their relationships.

I know it's not all down to the mothers of feckless men, or even the fathers - but they do have a lot to do with it. Pattern imprints and so on, and also allowing the "learned helplessness" to perpetuate as they grow up. So I'm working on the principle that giving the boys a good pattern (shared household roles as well as paid work) will help them to be better partners when they grow up. Hopefully by then society will have moved on and not gasp in amazement when men/fathers do the most basic family work!

DNBU I get this and have actually said to people I don’t think it’s unreasonable either. I don’t see why half the adult population is seen as incapable of using the washing machine or pushing the vacuum round the house purely on based on the fact they have a penis! I don’t mind doing a bit more at the minute because I’m on maternity leave at the minute but I still expect him to do his bit.

It's not common, so, I can understand where they're coming from tbh.

Well of course nobody would say it about you OP! You're a woman and it is thus expected.

YANBU.

Men are treated differently all the time though. Many years ago I was in hospital for a week. XDH had dinner provided for him every night by various couples. When he was in hospital for a week did any bugger worry about me fading away through lack of food and offer to feed me? Did they fuck. I didn’t get one dinner invitation. Sadly, so many women pander to men. 🙁