“He’s so good” AIBU?

[2minutespeace]

Happily married to a man I love dearly for over ten years. Have one DS.

I work 45 hours a week, he works 37, however I work mine over four days, his over five. We split housework 50/50 with both of us playing to our strengths (I can burn water, so he cooks, he’s terrible at general cleaning whereas I’m fussy so I take care of polishing and dusting etc etc etc) as well as spending the same amount of quality time/ childcare of our son.

Every time a relative or a friend or colleague finds this out, I get “ohhhh isn’t he good, aren’t you lucky”

AIBU to find this infuriating? I began a relationship with a grown man, not a child. I expect us to put half each into the drudge work so that we both get the same amount of leisure time.

I’m a wife, not a servant, and I certainly wouldn’t expect people to say I’m “good” for performing half a couples worth of life skills, in fact I’d find it intolerably patronising.

Yadnbu

Dp finds responses to him with the DC or cleaning really odd

He mentioned at work he had taken them swimming and everyone said "oooh aren't you good?" He's a little on the oblivious side and sort of looked confused and apparently it started a conversation about what sort of things he did at home

He was baffled by the shock because he said " erm well I do whatever needs doing so does my partner....if the hoovering needs doing I do it why wouldn't I....we all live in the house "

He repeated this to me and after I'd stopped laughing I explained that many would think it was my job

He looked baffled and wandered off muttering that he didn't understand ( and started cleaning the bathroom)

He's a very intelligent man lol but the intricacies of societal expectation pass him by

It doesn’t change because all these women thinking you’re “lucky” to have such a man are still not bringing up their own sons to take on a similar role.

Everytime women post on here about gender roles and men being useless at housework, not being capable of dressing or feeding the baby - ie not doing it how they would have etc, they are enabling men to sit back and let the female partner take on the wifework.

My mil buys into gender roles completely. When she used to mind nephews and nieces, the nephews were left to play video games, fed constantly, and pretty much waited on. The nieces “loved” helping out round the house, and were bought their own dusters and chopping boards, and taken shopping

Dh of course grew up with housework not even on his radar. Fortunately he isn’t stupid and knows it needs doing, but for a long time he used to follow me around asking me what i wanted him to do. It took him losing his job and me working full time, and refusing to leave him a timetable of all the jobs that needed doing, where the kids needed to be and when, and organising the evenings meal before i left for work. Lots of rows about him only asking “for a bit of help”, so he wouldn’t forget anything.

It is hard though to get out of that rut where it’s just fucking easier to do it yourself than try and teach someone whi has never run a house to do so. I do explain i was never “taught”, but i suppose in some way girls are trained from birth, even if it’s just watching the dynamic between their own parents.

YANBU.

I get told I'm very lucky for my DH and he is 'so good' because he actually parents his children and does things around the house.
Like is some sort of prize and not what is expected of a fully grown adult husband and father.

Grinds my gears. Grinds his to actually to be fair to him. Especially when he is described as 'babysitting' his own children.

Doesn't seem to happen to my DP even though he definitely pulls his weight. Interesting to hear the stories of HV gushing over involved dads, DP has generally been met with indifference at best or suspicion at worst when he is with me.

Neither attitude is good really.

A man at my work once mentioned doing some perfectly ordinary cleaning task on a regular basis at home.

He practically got a standing ovation. Up until then I'd thought I worked with sensible people.

But yeah, feminism has gone too far. Ffs.

I had children with a man who on the face of it, was happy to do chores/night feeds etc. Didn't stop him letting the abusive, passive aggressive, manipulative mask slide. Then again, I grew up in a house where men were, and still are, pandered to.

I'm divorced now.

My sons pick up after themselves, my 8 y/o can put on the dishwasher ffs. I refuse to be a martyr and facilitate their lives to the nth degree. I believe I'm doing what I can to level the playing field.

So, there are no guarantees in life and luck does play a part, imo. As does role modelling positive behaviours, as someone said upthread

just reply no hes just not a chauvinist, did you make a mistake and marry one?

This. Though you might want to change 'chauvinist' to 'sexist pig' - the blank looks sometimes you get when using the words 'chauvinism' or 'misogyny' gives me the rage.

I certainly wouldn’t expect people to say I’m “good” for performing half a couples worth of life skills, in fact I’d find it intolerably patronising.

That's good. Because IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

reallyanotherone that’s exactly the point that I’ve made when speaking to other people about it too. It’s not just about setting an example to sons, it’s about teaching daughters about what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

Yes, it's also about teaching daughters, not just sons.
My sons' ex-was really bad for not allowing him to do things because he didn't do them her way. Every time he did something, even though it was perfectly good she would go on and on about how he had done it wrong. One of which was cleaning the toilet wrong ffs, he went either clockwise or anti and it was wrong. The way he cut onions was wrong.
Poor fucker stopped doing stuff, and of course, that started the nagging and the pa comments about her always doing everything.

When he first mentioned it to me about him always being wrong I thought he was exaggerating. Until I heard it myself and we all sat wondering wtaf. Washing up was clean, but done wrong. Bought the wrong flash spray, did exactly the same as the one she prefered. It was endless. Even at his place, she criticised how he did stuff. One of the many reasons she an ex.

But you read it all the time on here. Why don't you get him to do his fair share? Well, then the baby wouldn't be in an outfit that was matching and co-ordinating what I want to wear (slight exaggeration maybe). Or well he winds bubs this way, yea the wind gets up but I prefer if he did it that way. He wipes the sides down wrong, he wipes them in little circular motions. I asked him to pick up some milk. I wanted x perfectly good milk but he bought y perfectly good milk.
I actually do think more males are capable of doing things, they just end up with these weird females who want to do everything and complain that they do everything!

I particularly hate the 'I've done the...insert household chore... for you' my stepdad does this to my mum.

Does he also not live in the house and create mess/washing/ironing etc etc.

YANBU

My DM always tells me how lucky I am that DH pulls his weight with regards to house work and raising our son. We both work 40 hrs a week so our 'leisure' time is exactly the same. DM always remarks that my DF never even changed a nappy when we were little, I just said more fool her for putting up with that!

Ha, yes.
My MIL told me when I first moved over to Australia that I shouldn't nag my husband.
Apparently when she was in the early days of marriage, she made that mistake and her husband yelled "Don't nag me woman!" and threw his bowl of spaghetti up in the air so it went everywhere, including on the ceiling. Her response to this was to clean it all up and never nag him again . I told her I wouldn't have put up with that, and he'd have been cleaning it up himself or he'd not have got his dinner cooked for him again! but she seemed to think it was a good "lesson" for me. Nope.

The phrase I really hate is "hands-on Dad". My husband is one apparently, according to many of my friends. Funnily enough I've never been referred to as a "hands-on Mum".

When our twins were born other women would go crazy when DH went out alone with them, they would offer to help feed them, coo over how good he was for doing this. Did this do this when I went out, did they fuck.

^^

Indeed.

YADNBU.

No, you’re not BU, that drives me mental. It’s not something people say about my OH, unfortunately.
But recently I went away for the weekend for best friend’s 40th/hen do. Left early Friday morning, back mid-afternoon Monday.
I got several people asking if he was “babysitting”, and wasn’t he good to have them all weekend?
He essentially kept them alive and took them to a couple of places, that was it.
When I got back on the Monday, there was a weekend’s worth of washing up in the kitchen, and the remains of a pizza because he had literally run out of plates.
But he was ever so good for “having the kids all weekend”.

YANBU. I get this too and it drives me insane. I can cook a 3 course meal for my parents but if dh so much as makes them a cup of tea he is praised like he's just secured world peace of something. It annoys him too, he finds it quite insulting.

“She nearly mounted him on the spot when she heard that he had gasp done a night feed”

Rainy

When our twins were born other women would go crazy when DH went out alone with them, they would offer to help feed them, coo over how good he was for doing this. Did this do this when I went out, did they fuck.

This X1000 and we only had the one! When he took him for his jabs the nurse offered to help get him (the baby not himself) dressed and undressed. The HV once informed me how "lucky" I was because she came out while he was changing a nappy.

When DS was born he had portable medical equipment, DH lost count of the times he was tearfully called brave.

I was never offered such help or received such comments obviously. DH is lovely and pulls his share but he isn't up for canonization quite yet.

My pet hate is when men looking after the child/ren they bloody made is referred to as babysitting. YANBU.

Men that look after their kids seem to be touted as the second coming. I always get ‘isn’t he good’ if my husband changes a nappy or takes our toddler to the supermarket. I don’t get any of that obviously. Work seems to love the fact he does some drop-offs as a senior leader setting an example. You can bet they would find a woman doing the same annoying.

DH gets this too. He is good, but not because he's a rare and special man snowflake, it's because he's a decent human being who is a mostly functional adult, not an entitled twat. Hence I changed not a single nappy when he was on paternity leave (other than the first one, which was an all parental hands to the pump job), he got up every night to change DSs nappy before I fed him, he cooks, he does chores. He does not babysit, he parents. Etc.

My mum sometimes makes comments about how lucky dsis and I both are, but to be honest dad was a waste of space in these matters so I think that's her experience coming out. I'm just glad ds and dniece will have good examples to follow.

Fucks me right off. We have a fairly traditional set up aka DH works and I’m a SAHM but we’re equally capable of tidying the kitchen FFS.

My DM asks me when I’m going to visit them if I’m going to leave DH some meals ummm NO he’s in his 40s, has been to war countless times and can cook himself some bloody sausages or whatever!! Mind you she also tells me to put some lipstick on for when he comes home despite the fact that I never wear it and he’s rarely home before 7:00 when I’m mid bedtime I love her but she’s doolally!

Oh and when DS1 was little and we were out on a dog walk DH was pushing the pram - I had just passed it over - when another couple went passed and gushed over how good he was FOR PUSHING THE FUCKING PRAM

At least they gushed - we were walking through the town where I grew up and some missing links openly laughed at dh because he was pushing the pushchair

I left there for a reason...!