“He’s so good” AIBU?

[2minutespeace]

Happily married to a man I love dearly for over ten years. Have one DS.

I work 45 hours a week, he works 37, however I work mine over four days, his over five. We split housework 50/50 with both of us playing to our strengths (I can burn water, so he cooks, he’s terrible at general cleaning whereas I’m fussy so I take care of polishing and dusting etc etc etc) as well as spending the same amount of quality time/ childcare of our son.

Every time a relative or a friend or colleague finds this out, I get “ohhhh isn’t he good, aren’t you lucky”

AIBU to find this infuriating? I began a relationship with a grown man, not a child. I expect us to put half each into the drudge work so that we both get the same amount of leisure time.

I’m a wife, not a servant, and I certainly wouldn’t expect people to say I’m “good” for performing half a couples worth of life skills, in fact I’d find it intolerably patronising.

Dh was a SAHP for a few years and this drove me totally mad.
Aren't you lucky to come home to a cooked dinner?
Aren't you lucky he does the washing? Etc ad nauseum.
WTAF???!!
When I responded with "Well isn't he lucky I work and pay our mortgage and bills and put food on the table", you would have thought I'd taken a shit on their dining table and was treated like a dour faced bitch.
As a pp said, the bar for men is so low women are supposed to be fawningly grateful for the bare minimum of input when it's nowhere near good enough.

YANBU. A woman can work full time and still do everything around the home, and no comment is passed, but a man only has to hoover, or wash a dish, or change his child’s nappy and suddenly he’s Christ down from the cross.

And you won’t find other men saying “isn’t he good!” It’s always women. Ones who have very low expectations. I was brought up in a family where my dad, and also my granddads, cooked and cleaned etc.

9/10 most women will have the lion's share of all the domestic shit. And carry most of the mental workload when it comes to the kids. Mumsnet folks are generally very enlightened, but a thread like this on, say, Netmums, might attract a completely different response.
YANBU, but he IS good, relatively speaking. It's just the way of it, sadly.

Yanbu - annoyster the shit out of me. We have a child with a long term health condition that requires a fair bit effort to manage. I too am 'lucky' that my DH helps with this according to relatives - wtf?
But then I have a work colleague that has to pay her husband to 'babysit' their two DC on the 3days she works or if she has a night out (he is self employed so classes it as lost income) So it's no surprise these attitudes exist. The bar is very low indeed.

So what do you think about my friend who I talked about earlier in the thread, who does everything and works full time(they both work full time with late teens children still at home); the only thing her husband does is DIY and he is very good at it meaning that their entire house has been renovated to a very high standard. But he expects her to help with that too so if he was, say, painting a room, he would expect her to be in that room or nearby the entire time to help him.

So, she likes that set up, she is very happy with it and says that if I didn't complain about my husband not doing much at all, I'd be better off. For example if I say the weeding needs to be done and my husband won't share that task, she will simply say well you should do that yourself then. My argument is that if I simply gave in and did everything he refused to do, there really would be little point in going on with the marriage. Her stance is that my attitude is making me unhappy, rather than his inaction.

But she very genuinely seems happy with her lot. I'm incredulous!

Elephant14 I can see her point of view (whilst realising I'd never have the energy to live that way) as a version of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff / Just do it! And "Would you rather be right or happy?" self help mentalities.

I've found the would you rather be right or happy useful in a ltr with a basically sound person!

If everything else is good you accept what you can't change about your partner.

In our house stuff does just get left undone nowadays rather than anyone arguing about it. The basics run smoothly however, just the house isn't ever going to be like his Mum's. ( It looks like my Mum's!) Because neither of us are willing/ able to do the necessary work.

And yes we have a weed problem.

I am always interested on these threads when women say “we play to our strengths”- usually meaning she does the wifework/is a sahm while he does the manly jobs like diy, full time job etc.

Why is a woman’s strength always the home/kids stuff? Much of the time it’s back to parents again, modelling gender roles. It also suprises me how many families are split by gender, mum takes the girls shopping, ballet, “girly days” like theatre trips and nail appointments, while dad takes the boys to the park, football etc. I knew one phd educated colleague, who was telling me about her girl child’s ballet lessons. I asked if her boy also did dance, and was met with an utterly horrified “no, he plays football with his dad”. Same family on a picnic and girl stayed with mum sorting food while dad and son went off exploring.

I lived by myself for many years and cracked on with the diy. It’s not hard. Dd and i put a fence up last week as dh was out and we had a spare hour.

Oh OP, I hear you. My DP was a grown man who’d lived by himself for years when I met him so he knew how to cook, clean and even iron. Who’d have thought it, eh?

He’s a hands on dad and does most of the cooking term time, when I work, but I pick up more chores during the school holidays. We are fairly equal in all we do yet I am told I’m lucky!

When people say stuff like this to me I ask them why they. think I would ever be with someone who didn’t pull their weight. Do others think my standards should be lower? That always comes across as a bit catty but tbh I don’t care.

So OP, YADNBU!

I've only very recently become aware of how unequal some people's relationships are, I thought equality was the norm! But recently talking to some mum friends I mentioned I don't iron. One asked me what I do? Just always wear unironed clothes? Looked appalled when I explained dh does the ironing

Another asked me about cleaning our wooden floors, I explained I didn't know much about it as dh is in charge of floors. Cue incredulous looks from 3 women!

It’s all over.

I’ve just joined a local fb group and anyone moving house always wants “a man with a van” recommended. Or if anyone knows any cleaning ladies.

I am often tempted to reply i have a van/can fix the sink/rewire the dishwasher or washing machine/fix their iphone but no good as i am not a man. Shame.

@reallyanotherone that picnic story makes me really sad, that poor little girl missing out on exploring. My parents had 4 daughters and 1 son and my dad would always take all of us off to explore/swim/do something fun when we arrived on holiday. My mum liked to have some wind down time with a book after the stress of travelling with 5 kids. I'd hate to think how I'd feel if us girls had been left behind

They are comparing him to other men, their experience of.

My mum told me I was very lucky with the way DH is with DD and that’s because of the approach my dad had to children and housework.

Don’t feel annoyed that your DH is getting praise! Feel happy because they see him as great!

You are amazing though by the way

If my DH makes a cup of tea my mother thinks he's a saint. She gives him extra portions at meals too. Since I had my daughter I've been pulling her up on it. No fucking way is this going to be presented as normal to her.

Reallyanotherone we definitely play to our strengths :) DH does all the cleaning and most of the cooking and shopping. He works part time. I do more childcare overrall, although he has a day off with DD, and I work full time about 70 hours a week in a demanding job. I was once asked "I know your DD goes to nursery but how do you manage the household with that kind of job". Err I don't? I'm not a manager, and I have a husband whose valuable contribution to the family is to make a wonderful home for us, plus some part time work to keep him sane and give us a disposable income. Cue utter shock at his wondrousness. I mean, I know he's awesome, but come on...

When DD was little he took some SPL. Reactions at toddler group were a combination of "wow isn't he a miracle" and "men shouldn't be allowed here!". Good grief.

That is a bit of an issue, the whole suspicion around Dads at playgroups etc.
I had a friend who viewed dads very suspiciously - what were they doing hanging around with mums? Not really helpful.

I really don’t care or mind if people want to compare, in general terms, favourably to the majority the minority of men who take full responsibility for sharing all household needs/child rearing/parenting/cooking/cleaning. After all that is just a statement of fact. But telling me personally (or another individual woman) that my/her husband or partner is ‘sooo good’ for doing basic adult tasks in the house? No, I would not accept that and I would challenge it every time. I am not a servant, a housekeeper or a general skivvy, and I’m neither a sole parent in the household nor a person whose primary function is doer of shitwork.

And I agree, I would find it incredibly patronising and offensive if I were given a metaphorical pat on the head and a cookie every time I did anything that any normal, responsible adult or parent should automatically do.

Yanbu. It's very old fashioned to expect women to run the household so it amazes people when the man actually joins in.

Quite similar to how some men do nothing with babies, they won't change a nappy, feed them or push the pushchair, but when I tell people how my OH does a lot of the night feeds etc, they are like "oh isn't he a good dad!"

No one calls me a good mother and I do the exact same if not more for our baby! (When he's at work)

I've got the rage now. I've never realised quite so clearly that IT IS ALWAYS WOMEN SAYING THIS SHIT.

WHY IS IT ALWAYS WOMEN??

Oh god, yanbu.... I've been told I'm lucky that dh isn't a chauvinistic pig that dh 'helps' so much .... He's fucking lucky that I shafted my career by taking two years out and working very part time/low level jobs in the first 8 years of the kids lives whilst retraining in something more family friendly.... He's now got an interesting job where he's in charge and I'm still working my way up and having to put up with average male managers and being mansplained in meetings. This despite the fact that I'm as smart and capable as he... It's so frustrating....

I think it's women who say this shit as a partial jealousy, partial "well why has SHE got it so good, I never did, she should REALISE how lucky she is" thing.

Men get told that they are under the thumb if they let on to other, chauvinistic, men that they help out.

OP I agree.
My DH went away this weekend with his friends, left early Saturday am came home late pm Sunday. This meant I had my 3 yr old and 6mo all weekend on my own, not to mention that I was up all night (no exaggeration) as my 6mo is a poor sleeper. So needless to say I was exhausted come last night, so my DH did the night wakings with my baby last night. This is the first night he's done it all and I've not had to get up to my baby since they were born.
My MIL says to me this morning 'aren't you lucky DH will help out with the night wakings'
I very nearly lost my shit. I would say he's the lucky one that I looked after our kids on my own all weekend so he could go off on a nice trip with his mates but clearly not!

Outnumbered please tell us you did say something to her?! I'd love to think some shit was actually lost but I bet you just gave her a hard stare. Behind her back