“He’s so good” AIBU?

[2minutespeace]

Happily married to a man I love dearly for over ten years. Have one DS.

I work 45 hours a week, he works 37, however I work mine over four days, his over five. We split housework 50/50 with both of us playing to our strengths (I can burn water, so he cooks, he’s terrible at general cleaning whereas I’m fussy so I take care of polishing and dusting etc etc etc) as well as spending the same amount of quality time/ childcare of our son.

Every time a relative or a friend or colleague finds this out, I get “ohhhh isn’t he good, aren’t you lucky”

AIBU to find this infuriating? I began a relationship with a grown man, not a child. I expect us to put half each into the drudge work so that we both get the same amount of leisure time.

I’m a wife, not a servant, and I certainly wouldn’t expect people to say I’m “good” for performing half a couples worth of life skills, in fact I’d find it intolerably patronising.

I would be enraged too, and I’d actually challenge them on it every single fucking time someone said it! Cannot ABIDE this double standard.

My DH has always done his share domestically, without fuss or fanfare, but I get "Ooh isn't he wonderful? Aren't you lucky?" all the time from other people - I have never yet come up with a satisfactory response that expresses everything it makes me feel when they say it!

Can you imagine a man saying 'My wife is so good, she has changed diapers and even sometimes takes the kids out for an hour, so I can clean the house in peace. I'm so lucky!'

Aren't you tempted to say "I'm good too! I also act like an adult and do my half. Do I get a cookie?"

I don't have extra arms that come out of my fanny

😂😂😂

I get this ALL THE TIME. My DH always does his share and tends to take over the washing and laundry. I always say that it’s NOTHING to do with luck, just that there’s no way on earth I’d end up with a bloke who didn’t pull his weight.

Yanbu at all
My DH is also very good... as in he does his bit, same as me, 50/50
MIL is constantly going on about how great her son is and how lucky I am. Never how lucky he is or we both are. Like I should be grateful that he does his fair share, like it's a bonus.
Fucks me right off

I remember a little while ago, my DH went away for 4 days, all good and not a problem. We were fine at home as I knew we would be. A month or so later I had a weekend away, two nights, and honestly the amount of “wow you are lucky DH will hold the fort while you go away” from people who knew DH had been away previously and not said a word!! Also when I was away DH got 3 offers of dinners cooked from old people at church, I got none when DH was away!! Double standards. Thankfully we have a lovely equal relationship. My in laws are constantly appalled that I “make” DH do cooking and cleaning 🙄

Probably the same kind of people that accept men saying "Oh I've hoovered FOR YOU" as though they float on air and never cause a mess. Or hear about a single dad and view him as the 2nd messiah for being so wonderful looking after his kids alone, as opposed to us single mums who are the spawn on the devil, dragging society into oblivion
...and breathe...

@KatharinaRosalie lol!!
Look at how good my wife is, she got up at 6am with the kids this morning, made breakfast and cleaned the house, all before 10am. She's amazing I'm so lucky to have her

I’m sometimes on the receiving end of stuff like this - I find it embarrassing.

We share tasks etc round the house. I’m good at some things , less good at others.

Generally our skills, interests etc complement each other.

But to overhear comments along the lines of ‘he’s so good’ etc curls me up.

No, I’ve just made you a cup of tea. Yes, I have decorated the room.

What some haven’t seen is my avoidance of other tasks, which fortunately my wife is far better at, but are less visible.

It can grate for both of us. I’ve no solution but you’re not alone.

There are far, far worse things in life to get "enraged" about, ffs. It's all about perspective. Just laugh it off, Jesus.

I work full time (plus on calls) and I'm studying too. If I had a £ for every time somebody asks how I do it all alongside raising 4 children, then I wouldn't need to work at all, lol. The answer is always the same: DH pulls his weight. On the one hand I'm lucky that he turned out to be as good as his word when we had DC1. OTOH I wouldn't have had any more children with him if he hadn't!

My mum thinks he's some kind of saint though

Yanbu.

In the 50s and 6Os my dad never changed a nappy in common with a lot of his generation. Even back then though he did ironing and housework plus he cooked some of our meals. My mate's dad did the "proper" cooking if he was in, his wife worked part time but hated cooking although she didn't mind ironing and cleaning!

A woman end up working full time AND doing everything in the house just looks bonkers to me as an outsider.

I guess others might think I'm both lucky and lazy. And my house is a bit messy. Each to their own.

YADNBU, I get this too. I used to get "You trained him well!" quite a lot too but that's died down

theresnodisneyending I find casual sexism a perfectly reasonable thing to get enraged about, thankyou for your concern.

YANBU
My mum refers to all domestic tasks as mine.
"Oh that's good DH did your dishes/laundry/hoovering etc."

Worse is when DH says to ds "Could you take the bin out/empty dishwasher etc for your mum please?" or "I cleaned the bathroom for you."

I agree. It’s not me who just makes the mess, dirties clothes, needs feeding etc. Drives me up the wall when people said ‘Oh but he’s good!’

When my parents married, dad's family were appalled that he shared the cleaning and cooking with my mum. And I do mean appalled. My gran could hardly bring herself to speak to my mum for "making" dad do housework.
This was in 1947.
Seems nothing has changed more than seventy years later.
I despair, I really do.

I agree. It’s not me who just makes the mess, dirties clothes, needs feeding etc. Drives me up the wall when people said ‘Oh but he’s good!’

YANBU.
DH was a f/t SAHD to DS for five years. He did a great job as the primary career. But my God, you would have thought he’d solved world hunger the way some people went on about it. Would I have got the same praise? Of course not!

Argh! I get this about the baby. Aren't you lucky he does his bit at the weekend? Aren't you lucky he'll have him while you go out? Aren't you lucky that you get to shower in peace everyday?

No! It's not luck! I married a man who expected to equally participate in our relationship, and we discussed how we wanted to care for our baby before I got pregnant. Its not luck, it's mutual thoughtfulness, discussion and careful planning. We took a mature, adult approach to our lives as a married couple.

Sigh.... but I've never said that. I really should next time someone says it.

YANBU. This drives me absolutely crazy. My mum and dp's mum both do this. I work full time, dp works part time, and we share the household stuff, with him doing a bit more on the days he's not working and I am. I'm so sick of being told how good he is because he helps maintain the home he lives in.

The bar is so low fpr men that anything better than ficking off and having no contact is viewed as worthy.
He pays maintainence-wow what a good dad
He works so you can be a sahm-wow what a guy
He wakes up to do a night feed-youre soooo lucky
He plays with HIS OWN CHILD on a saturday and puts the bin out-youve got a keeper there love hope you show him ypu appreciate him. Wouldnt want him to stray...
YADNBU
Men are not some kind of prize.
Made me glad to fuck mine off and do ot myself. Funnily, nobody has ever said I am a 'good one', despite doing all the above and more

You're not wrong but he is in the minority of men who don't feel too good for domestic tasks. So, in THAT way you are lucky not to have got a complete arsehole because they are much much more common.