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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague compares pet death to relative

568 replies

ItsNotTheSame · 01/09/2018 01:17

So long story short... my mum passed away a few months ago. Very sudden & unexpected, happened at home when she was alone and she was found there. Paramedics pronounced her dead on the scene. No chance to say goodbye obviously very shocking and caused me a lot of issues with anxiety and depression etc since while trying to come to terms with this. She was only in her early 50s and no illnesses before this as far as we knew.

Anyway, I’m back at work and have been for a couple of months now. My colleague has recently had a family pet put to sleep due to illness. Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

This really annoyed me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not the same and I walked away feeling angry / upset. I now feel a bit bad that maybe I’ve over reacted and been over sensitive. So opinions please.... Aibu?

OP posts:
Scuzzlet · 01/09/2018 09:16

I think you may be overreacting here.

I don’t think she was trying to trump you or make the death of your mum sound less significant, I think she was just trying to say what an awful feeling it is losing someone close to you whether that be a 4 legged or 2 legged loved one. Don’t be pissed off. I do hope you didn’t bite her head off.

Losing pets hits some people hard as they are part of the family.

So sorry to hear about your Mum too. Big hugs Flowers

Lizzie48 · 01/09/2018 09:17

That's right, @Moussemoose grief is very strange. I grieved for my abusive F, he did some awful things to my siblings and me when we were growing up and his death set us free in most ways. In a way, that made me feel so much guilt for the fact that he'd always made my skin crawl and I hated being near him. I'd actually willed him to die when I was with him in the hospital at the end.

The scales fell off my eyes once I had my DDs and realised how toxic my family of origin had been because of him. It also made sense of the flashbacks that I couldn't place. It's put me in a dark place, I have complex PTSD, but I'm gradually coming through it.

The loss of a parent can be devastating in a way you don't expect. You just can't compare it to the loss of a pet.

StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 01/09/2018 09:18

A friend of mine has stage 4 cancer and knows she will die and leave her young children without a mother.

A colleague of hers said 'your situation has made me think about what will happen to my cats when I die so I understand how scared you are and how helpless you feel'.

She's the kind of person who'd say 'its not a competition you know' if anyone pointed out how fucking ridiculous she is. Hate those kind of people.

'We're all entitled to our feelings'..yep yes you are, feel whatever you like. But don't express those feelings to people suffering much more than you are and expect to be validated because its incredibly crass, selfish and narcissistic.

NutElla5x · 01/09/2018 09:30

I'm a massive dog lover,and still think about and sometimes get upset about my beloved dog I lost over 10 years ago,but even I can see why you got so upset by your colleague's idiotic comparison.Don't be too hard on her-maybe she's just young and naive and/or very stupid,but also don't feel bad for having a pop at her. YANBU.So sorry for your loss Flowers

Yoksha · 01/09/2018 09:32

Travis @ 01:25....I agree, grief is not a competition. It's all relative. Just be kind to each other.

ItsNotTheSame....so sorry for the sudden loss of your mum at such a young age.Flowers

Dollymixture22 · 01/09/2018 09:33

People of course love their pets and grieve when they die. But it’s not the same as losing a human member of your family. It was an insensitive thing to say.

Rufus27 · 01/09/2018 09:36

I'm sorry about your mum, but I do think you were unreasonable for having a go. She wasn't comparing your mum to a pet she was empathising with your grief

I agree with this. I suspect she was well intentioned, though I understand why you would be hurt by her words.

Sleeeeeepzzz · 01/09/2018 09:38

Sorry for your loss OP. I don't think she should have voiced anything to you, you're obviously feeling very raw right now and perhaps common sense would tell have told her that comment would not be taken well.

However, I think her level of grief totally depends on her situation. There are people on this thread who talk about abusive family relationships and their pets being more important to them than those family members. Perhaps this is your colleague? Perhaps that dog was the most important thing in her life, perhaps it was all she had. Maybe it helped her through an awful time & yes I do think it's entirely possible for someone to experience the same level of grief from a pet than a family member. It totally depends on that persons individual situation and the relationships with those involved (human or pet)

There is no limit to grief. It is insensitive to mention it when you're grieving yourself but I think it's incorrect to say she can't possibly be feeling the same as you. She could. For many reasons. We don't know her situation.

My Dad has a lovely dog. He got her when my mum left him in an utterly awful and humiliating way. They are so close. She's honestly his best friend. She's getting older now and I really do worry about him when she does eventually pass. She isn't 'just a dog' to him. She's part of his every day life. She's the one who got him through his depression and gave him a reason to leave the house. She loves him. And he loves her. It will break his heart completely when she passes. No I don't think he'd compare losing me to losing his dog. But he would grieve most definitely. And if he didn't have a child or a close relationship to his family (like your colleague perhaps?) Then losing that dog would be the worst thing to happen in his life for a long time.

TerfsUp · 01/09/2018 09:40

Yes.

SusanneLinder · 01/09/2018 09:40

Having lost my parents...and pets, some people say some silly things when someone has a bereavement. They really don't know what to say, and I think she was, rather clumsily, trying to empathise.
Losing my beloved dog was in no way in comparison to my mother.
I am sorry for your loss xxx

lottiegarbanzo · 01/09/2018 09:45

Well done you for pulling her up on it. It was an utterly stupid and insensitive thing for her to say.

Of course she can feel sad about the loss of her pet. To equate that to the loss of your mother would be stupid. To voice that - to you - was grossly and idiotically insensitive.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/09/2018 09:46

OP, has she apologised? She should.

NadiaLeon · 01/09/2018 09:51

YABU - it doesn't matter what has been lost, but the feeling it invokes.
There was a stir in the USA recently about a mothers 5 mth baby that had been killed by her alsatian. She begged the judge not to put the dog down, saying she could always have another baby, but the dog was special.

tinstar · 01/09/2018 09:52

Nadia - what earthly relevance does your post have?

RedNed · 01/09/2018 09:53

It's fine for the colleague to think her grief is comparable, but speaking to the OP and saying what she did was not ok.

Sorry for your loss OP Flowers

MoonFacesMum · 01/09/2018 09:53

I hope you’re OK if you’re still reading all this OP. I would find this very difficult reading in your position.

I’m amazed by the number of people who think you should be respectful of her grief, but somehow she shouldn’t be of yours.

RedNed · 01/09/2018 09:54

@NadiaLeon wtaf Hmm That's the worst thing I've read on this thread.

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 01/09/2018 09:56

OP, I am sorry for your loss. YANBU. I lost both my parents before I was 22. I'm now 50 and I still have a cry occasionally for them. In that period I've lost several pets, I look at their photos with fond affection but I don't cry for them. The death of a loved relative is not comparable to a pet and I feel sorry for those who haven't been able to make a deep emotional connection with another human being, whether because of toxicity or something else.

seven201 · 01/09/2018 10:00

YANBU. I'm really surprised by some of the responses on here. I guess if you have shunned all family and friends and you make your pets to be your everything, then that's a bit different. I lost my mum to cancer and she was far from old. If someone had compared my grief to theirs for a pet I would have been so upset.

I had a colleague try to tell me all my mum should have done is taken so and so herbal remedies and that she'd have been fine. Wtf! I get hat sometimes people don't know what to say when someone's grieving, but still!

NutElla5x · 01/09/2018 10:00

She begged the judge not to put the dog down, saying she could always have another baby, but the dog was special. So the baby wasn't special??? Wtaf!

Lizzie48 · 01/09/2018 10:00

@NadiaLeon

You tell this story as if you think the woman was actually justified in feeling that way about her dog. What she's actually doing is prioritising her dog over her baby's life. What would the reaction on here be if she said something like this if her partner was the one killed her baby. 'Please don't send him to jail, he's special. I can always have another baby.'

It's disgusting actually. Angry

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 01/09/2018 10:01

Having lost my parents...and pets, some people say some silly things when someone has a bereavement. They really don't know what to say, and I think she was, rather clumsily, trying to empathise.

That's very true. Death and grief are such a taboo that people really are lost for words but want to say something and occasionally do say the strangest things.

Freshstart19 · 01/09/2018 10:07

No YANBU!
I lost my pet it was heartbreaking.
But it not even close to loosing a parent or family member. I don't know what I'd do without my mum.

It also annoys me when people compare them to the same responsibility as having kids. No it's not! Not even close.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/09/2018 10:08

Having lost my parents...and pets, some people say some silly things when someone has a bereavement. They really don't know what to say, and I think she was, rather clumsily, trying to empathise.

There is a general truth there - but it is not relevant ot this instance.

The colleague was not looking for words at the time of OP's mother's death. Some months afterwards, she was telling OP about her own feelings, about her own pet - and seeking sympathy from the OP.

Freshstart19 · 01/09/2018 10:08

@NadiaLeon
The mother clearly has her priorities very wrong. A child is never ever replaceable and that's a sick thing to say!