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AIBU?

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Original poster

Colleague compares pet death to relative

568 replies

ItsNotTheSame · 01/09/2018 01:17

So long story short... my mum passed away a few months ago. Very sudden & unexpected, happened at home when she was alone and she was found there. Paramedics pronounced her dead on the scene. No chance to say goodbye obviously very shocking and caused me a lot of issues with anxiety and depression etc since while trying to come to terms with this. She was only in her early 50s and no illnesses before this as far as we knew.

Anyway, I’m back at work and have been for a couple of months now. My colleague has recently had a family pet put to sleep due to illness. Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

This really annoyed me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not the same and I walked away feeling angry / upset. I now feel a bit bad that maybe I’ve over reacted and been over sensitive. So opinions please.... Aibu?

OP posts:
Gardenpicnic · 01/09/2018 10:10

YANBU.

I know someone who, on being told by someone else their mum had died, said they knew exactly how they felt as their guinea pig had just passed away.

Hmm

The person whose mum had died was incredulous at the insensitivity
of the comment.

maxthemartian · 01/09/2018 10:16

I think it's unfair to say that a new pet is a replacement for a dead one.
Would you tell a widow who remarried that they had replaced their husband?

It's not for any of us to say how much grief another person should or shouldn't feel at a loss.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 01/09/2018 10:17

I think i would’ve punched that person in the face if they’d said that to me when my brother died. Losing a pet is not compatible at all. It’s an animal.

GunpowderGelatine · 01/09/2018 10:19

Oh OP I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks my dad died in the same way - at home, alone, unexpectedly, early 50s - I know how you feel, and anyone comparing it to the death of a dog is a fucking dickhead. YWNBU good for you for saying it. If anyone thinks feeling the same love for an animal as your own beloved actual parent is, at best, completely backwards.

NadiaLeon · 01/09/2018 10:20

@tinstar

Nadia - what earthly relevance does your post have?

It demonstrates very clearly that SOME people (but not ALL people) value the lives of their pets very highly indeed.
Look how many people bequest money to animal charities as opposed to those that help people. Some people (a minority of course) indeed value animals above people.

OP is also being unreasonable by continuing to be upset by what someone says. Resentment is like drinking a poison and hoping someone else gets sick. It has no purpose so it's better that OP accepts that others have different (twisted) ideas and leaving them be.
This is only hurting OP, not the other person. Thus OP needs to accept their point of view and move on. OP does NOT have to agree with it, but accept that others think differently.

differentnameforthis · 01/09/2018 10:25

She was looking for some common ground and was trying to empathize with your grief.

And instead of saying anything nice, you "told her" ... well done you. Hmm

I wouldn't know if it is the same because I haven't lost a family member, but losing my dog was extremely hard.

mostdays · 01/09/2018 10:28

No, yanbu. It's not the same.

zwellers · 01/09/2018 10:34

It's OK to be sad when a pet dies.aà But let's face it you would have known when you got it you would only has it for at most 20 years. And you can replace a pet. You are never going to replace a parent/ sibling etc. I would taken out a grievance if anyone had compared my father's death in my early 20s to a pet. And don't get me started on the colleague whose compared my dm illnesses to her cats.

zwellers · 01/09/2018 10:36

Differentname. There is no common ground. Op last her parent. The other person a pet. Not the same. You can tell you have been lucky enough not to lose a family member.

StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 01/09/2018 10:37

She was looking for some common ground and was trying to empathize with your grief

No she wasn't. She was talking about her animal dying and saying 'you must know how I feel as your Mum died'. Wanting sympathy from the OP and suggesting their losses were the same. I'd have fucking 'told her' too.

Lizzie48 · 01/09/2018 10:38

I do get what you're saying, NadiaLeon but I still think it's a shocking story. The mother basically said that her baby wasn't special, whereas the dog was. You do see how messed up that is? The baby should have been her priority, end of.

As I said earlier in the thread, I really understand about how you can bond with pets. I love my cats. But our DC are always the priority. My beloved cat couldn't cope when we adopted DD1 at age 1 (she's 9 now). She developed severe stress related problems (over grooming) and then other health problems. I couldn't rehome her because she wouldn't have coped in her state of health and she could no longer live with us. So there was no alternative but to have her PTS.

It was devastating, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to think that I should prioritise my cat over my DD. It's ludicrous.

NadiaLeon · 01/09/2018 10:44

I never said that it's normal. It's distinctly ABNORMAL, thus the level of media attention it got.
It does show however, that for SOME people, their pets mean as much to them as humans.

I'm not supporting the position - that would be bonkers, but providing some additional context.

Birdsgottafly · 01/09/2018 10:45

""Sorry but a cat vs a mother???!! Honestly? I question your sanity""

I miss my little Tabby Cat more than I miss my Mother. I've had friends die and a dog that meant the World to me, it was the dog that helped me through my DH's illness and death. Losing anything that you love, is hard.

As said grief comes in different forms.

Those that have had continuing good personal relationships and good Parents etc, might not understand that. But some people aren't really anything to anyone, or a loss to the World. Whereas a Pet can mean so much.

However, there are do's and don'ts about what you say to someone in the first year of Grief (or ever if it is a child death).

You are both grieving, she said something without thinking. It depends on if she meant that you understand because you are grieving, or because the loss of your Mum is comparable to her pet, which was insensitive.

Birdsgottafly · 01/09/2018 10:47

""Op lost her parent. The other person a pet. Not the same. ""

See, I get pissed off at people telling me that I should give a shit that my excuse of Parent's deaths were a loss. As do many others whose Parents haven't been Parents.

80sMum · 01/09/2018 10:49

YA definitely NBU! I would have been very upset and offended too, OP, by such an insensitive comment as that. I'm sorry you never had the chance to say goodbye to your mum SadFlowers

Halfahunnerstillastunner · 01/09/2018 10:50

Fantastic posts by Eryngium at the start of this thread. Totally agree.
I lost a much loved pet and my Mum in the same year. They are incomparable. Definitely not "the same" as she actually said out loud ShockHmm. She can pop out and get a new pet. We only get one Mum. Anybody who doesn't "get it" is lucky I suppose - they probably still have their parents.

She was completely unreasonable and I'm actually glad you pointed this out to her. People need to be pulled up on this ridiculous stuff so they'll think before they do it again to another person in grief.
Take care and I'm so sorry for your loss.

HermioneWeasley · 01/09/2018 10:51

She’s an insensitive bellend.

Sorry for the sudden loss of your mother

Asuna · 01/09/2018 10:52

She was unreasonable to make the comparison to you while you’re grieving, since obviously it doesn’t compare for most people, but she is not unreasonable for feeling that they’re similar and comparable to her personally. She should just have kept it to herself.

I’ve lost people I’ve been very close to, but mostly elderly relatives. Losing my grandmother was hard because it was sudden and unexpected. However, losing my cat hit me a lot harder. He was young and my responsibility, and it was even more sudden and out of nowhere. I’d never tell anyone this offline because it’d be frowned upon. I loved my grandmother very much and she had a much bigger impact on my life, but the initial impact of losing my cat was just awful. I wouldn’t dream of comparing this loss to anyone else’s loss of a human though.

To be honest, I don’t think you should ever compare one loss with another anyway. My losses will never be the same as someone else’s, human or pet.

80sMum · 01/09/2018 10:55

@NadiaLeon "She begged the judge not to put the dog down, saying she could always have another baby, but the dog was special"

W. T. A. F.?! That mother is insane and her children should be taken away from her for their own safety.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 01/09/2018 10:55

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum.

I grieved for the loss of my grandparents that I was very close to but up until fairly recently the greatest loss was my old dog that I had had from a teen until my 30's. Losing him hurt so badly. I couldn't imagine living without him. It was the worst thing I had ever experienced.

And then I lost a relative that I was very close to and I realised that the death of my dog was nothing in comparison to that.

You are not at all unreasonable to be hurt that someone would make the comparison between the loss of a dog and the loss of a parent, of course you are not. It was not an appropriate thing to say under any circumstances.

Thatssomebadhatharry · 01/09/2018 11:03

I hate when people compare the love for children as the same as animals.
My mother lost my brother in tragic circumstances when he was two before I was born. She never got over it to the day she died. A part of her soul was literally ripped away never to return. I do not know one person who has lost a pet who 30-40 years still has their death rule their world in the way a child’s loss does.
I’v lost pets I loved, it WAS devastating, then it is not.

GreyhoundzRool · 01/09/2018 11:04

For those saying losing a pet can’t compare to losing a parent - FOR YOU . You really can’t say how others feel. I was NC with my dad - I was sad but not devastated by his death. OPs colleague was insensitive and I wouldn’t have voiced that opinion, but please don’t think that you know how everyone feels about the death of a relative - however close you think they ought to be

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 01/09/2018 11:08

Competitive grieving very dangerous as it eats you up-think she was awkward versus malicious-

The worst thing that happens to anyone is their worst thing.

I am so sorry for the loss of your DM-which is your "worst thing"
Your colleague's pet dying is their "worst thing" so to them they may seem comparable.

So you can't compare grief-although I took it as she was trying-very clumsily-to empathise with you rather than diminish your loss.

Sallystyle · 01/09/2018 11:15

I am so sorry for your loss OP. Thanks

My children lost their father at a very young age and they don't just grieve for him, but for all the things he misses out on seeing. Their first serious relationships, going to uni, getting their first job, turning into men, having children and all of that stuff. Losing a loved parent at a young age is so very very hard and just can't be compared to losing a pet. I am guessing you are quite young yourself OP.

StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 01/09/2018 11:18

The type of people who would think their loss of their pet is comparable to the loss of someone elses parent would soon say 'its not the same!' if someone said they knew exactly how they were feeling because their mouse died, or a fish, pet snail, stick insect or whatever.