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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague compares pet death to relative

568 replies

ItsNotTheSame · 01/09/2018 01:17

So long story short... my mum passed away a few months ago. Very sudden & unexpected, happened at home when she was alone and she was found there. Paramedics pronounced her dead on the scene. No chance to say goodbye obviously very shocking and caused me a lot of issues with anxiety and depression etc since while trying to come to terms with this. She was only in her early 50s and no illnesses before this as far as we knew.

Anyway, I’m back at work and have been for a couple of months now. My colleague has recently had a family pet put to sleep due to illness. Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

This really annoyed me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not the same and I walked away feeling angry / upset. I now feel a bit bad that maybe I’ve over reacted and been over sensitive. So opinions please.... Aibu?

OP posts:
Wheretheresawill1 · 01/09/2018 08:28

It’s not a grief competition you know. I spent SIGNIFICANTLY more time with my cat- my companion than I do with family or friends. She’s the one who’s there for me for example on a bank holiday when everyone forgets about you. So I think you are being unreasonable but I guess grief is clouding your judgement. Who are you to say your grief is worse than mine?

Heratnumber7 · 01/09/2018 08:29

I've never thought of our current dog as a “replacement” for our previous one who was run over at three years old

But it was though, wasn't it? You wouldn't have got another child, or mother, if they had been run over.

Nikephorus · 01/09/2018 08:31

YABU - I'm dreading losing one of my pets because they're a huge part of my life. Losing my parents will be hard but they're not here 24/7 like pets are, they're not the reason I get out of bed, and they don't provide unconditional love. Plus she was grieving - you NEVER stamp on someone else's feelings in that situation. That was downright shitty.

Impulsesealer · 01/09/2018 08:32

No definitely not unreasonable.

I’ve lost a pet I loved deeply, it was heartbreaking and I cried for days. I still miss him.

I’ve also lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly and the pain from that far outweighs the grief for my pet. Losing my mum went deep in to my bones and is always on my mind.

Sorry about your mum FlowersBrew

Westworldmaeve · 01/09/2018 08:33

To the OP, of course the colleague's remark appeared crass to you, you're still in the very early stages of grief really. But I also think there could be bit more compassion on this thread in the other direction.

I agree with this. I lost my mum in my twenties and have lost multiple pets. For me, the grief was a very different kind of severity. I understand that her comment upset you. However, she is still dealing with grief so having a go at her while she is upset must have been really hurtful for her too.

PrimalLass · 01/09/2018 08:34

She was probably just trying to empathise.

SerenDippitty · 01/09/2018 08:37

Well yes seren so when you are in your thrirties and that’s the first time you’ve lost someone then you are very blessed.

So they have nothing to compare it with.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/09/2018 08:38

I am so sorry to hear about your mum, OP. Yes, she was daft and very insensitive to say it, but losing a pet you've had for a long time is often a very real cause of grief for many people. I dare say she said it without thinking, and almost certainly not meaning to imply that losing a parent is the same as losing a cat.

As for whoever said 'you can buy another dog or cat', yes, you can, but many pet owners couldnt even think of it for quite a while. It's not like having your phone or laptop nicked, FGS, though many non pet owners seem to think it's not much different.

fourquenelles · 01/09/2018 08:40

My late DH's best friend told me at his funeral that he knew what i was going through as he'd just had to put his dog to sleep. It was the craziness of the comment that got to me and the arrogance of saying he knew what i was going through.

I lost my future when my DH died. He got another dog.
I am so sorry for your loss OP.

tinstar · 01/09/2018 08:41

Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

Just remember folks, the colleague wasn't trying, in a very clumsy way, to express sympathy FOR the op. She was expressing her own grief and trying to elicit sympathy FROM the op. This wasn't a case of someone trying to be supportive and saying the wrong thing.

I wish people would stop talking about there being no competitiveness in grief. Of course there isn't- but that's irrelevant. Of course the colleague's grief for her pet might be at the same level as the OP's for her mother. But it was still a crass comment to make. Amazed that so many think otherwise.

Lizzie48 · 01/09/2018 08:42

@Nikephorus that was very uncalled for. Yes the OP overreacted, most of us would agree there, but grief does things to you, and she's obviously very raw.

And actually, I don't even get why her colleague made the comparison at all. She could have talked about her pet and how she felt about the loss without bringing comparisons into it. Especially as it doesn't sound as if the two of them are actually friends outside work.

brizzledrizzle · 01/09/2018 08:52

Obviously losing a pet is not the same as losing a parent. However grief is grief and you are going to understand that she is grieving as well. I think that's what she meant though she didn't phrase it well.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 01/09/2018 08:55

You shouldn't judge. Some families are toxic and it's natural that pets take the place of those relationships

Nikephorus · 01/09/2018 08:55

She was expressing her own grief and trying to elicit sympathy FROM the op.
Exactly - she was expressing HER OWN GRIEF. She needs to talk about her loss too and that was obviously her way of starting a conversation about it.
that was very uncalled for
No actually it wasn't. Her colleague was grieving too. How would OP feel if someone had said to her that she couldn't possibly know what grief was because she'd only lost her mother and not a child? I'm guessing she'd feel pretty crap. Well guess how the colleague feels.
Empathy and compassion work both ways. OP could have had a conversation where they both talked about how crap they felt. Instead OP lashed out and made the colleague feel twice as bad.

Mayhemmumma · 01/09/2018 08:58

You're fine OP your colleague may well be very sad about the loss of her pet but it was ridiculous of them to try and make a comparison. Very rude imo.

NotAgainYoda · 01/09/2018 08:59

Nikephorus

The OP has no duty to be responsible for the other person's feelings. The other person showed no such sensitivity.

I speak as someone who recently lost a 21 year old cat, and who still grieves for her. I would never mention her loss in the same conversation as the death of a mother.

I would raise it in the context of a pet death

2018Already · 01/09/2018 09:00

I suspect she was talking about grief generally and wasn’t intending for it to be a competition. If we say YANBU, what difference will it make - will you feel better for being a bit mean to your colleague who was trying to empathise with you? You’re both grieving, can’t you be a bit kinder?

Lizzie48 · 01/09/2018 09:00

It was the tone of your post that I was objecting to tbh, you were so aggressive. You can say the OP overreacted/was unreasonable. But she's in a very dark place at the moment and a little compassion towards her is appropriate.

It's AIBU, sure, but it doesn't need to mean that we have an empathy bypass.

TheOxymoron · 01/09/2018 09:00

Grief is relative and nobody has the right to belittle anybody.
I have lost a child but that doesn’t mean I trump somebody else’s loss and how it’s affected them.

holidaycountdown54321 · 01/09/2018 09:01

Not being unreasonable at all. If you lose a pet you might feel a bit sad, then you get another pet. My relative lost her dog to old age and replaced it with the same breed and called it the same name!! To compare losing a pet to losing your mother is totally insulting! I'd have reacted the same.

I got annoyed when my sil got a puppy literally the same day I gave birth to our first child. When I saw her after having the baby I was sat in my mil's kitchen holding the baby, she picked the dog up and started cradling it like I was!! When said I was up all night feeding, she replied me too, it's hard work isn't it. Unless she was up breastfeeding the dog every 2 hours with cracked nipples and was struggling to walk from birthing the dog I'm pretty sure the two were not comparable!

Moussemoose · 01/09/2018 09:01

Losing a parent is more than the loss of a human. Even if you dislike that parent as a person the role and significance of the role in wider society has a massive impact.

If you love your animals it must be sad when one dies but they are animals. Human life and animal life is not regarded as equal in our society. We eat animals.

As a society legally, socially and morally we place more value on human life.

Losing a parent is significant in terms of you life and where you are in your life even if you dislike that person. Pets will always have a shorter life span and you can expect to experience the death of several pets over the course of your life. You only have one mother.

Your colleague was insensitive.

Artichoke18 · 01/09/2018 09:04

I think this the grief for a beloved pet might in the short term be as devasting as a human loss, but I do think the long term effects of losing your pet do not bear a comparison to those of losing a parent. Bereavement just goes on and on, long after anyone has stopped sympathising with you. I've lost both parents, other close family members, a sibling, several pregnancies and several pets so I do feel (unfortunately) fairly experienced! The problem can come when you meet someone who has managed to have almost zero loss in their lives and will view the first one that comes as something no one has ever experienced before.

ADastardlyThing · 01/09/2018 09:07

Tbf Holiday I personally found the puppy days much, much worse than the early baby days and I had a DC who wouldn't sleep for more than 2 hours a time and mastitis, a breast abscess, a 3rd degree tear, thrush we kept passing back and forth and temporary incontinence and PND. I'd never, ever get another puppy. Never.

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 01/09/2018 09:11

RatHammock thank you and I totally know what you mean. I see people out with their elderly parents and it gives me such a pang, I don't resent them of course but it feels so unfair. I hope your mum lives many many more years 😊

DeadGood you're right, the pain of losing one parent young definitely had an effect on my reaction to losing the other. But as a pp said, there's a different kind of pain in losing someone you've known for all of your 50 or whatever years, who has been there through all your life experiences and suddenly isn't.

Santaclarita · 01/09/2018 09:12

I don't think she was comparing it exactly, more expressing empathy. She understands how you feel now that she's lost something close to her. She's maybe never lost a person in her life yet, so had nothing to compare it to before. It didn't come across well though.

For some, animals are their family too. There's lots of people on here who have gone nc with parents or the entire family. They may have no one in their lives that they are that close to, and pets are all they have.

Very sorry about your mum though. It's not easy to lose anyone in life.

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