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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague compares pet death to relative

568 replies

ItsNotTheSame · 01/09/2018 01:17

So long story short... my mum passed away a few months ago. Very sudden & unexpected, happened at home when she was alone and she was found there. Paramedics pronounced her dead on the scene. No chance to say goodbye obviously very shocking and caused me a lot of issues with anxiety and depression etc since while trying to come to terms with this. She was only in her early 50s and no illnesses before this as far as we knew.

Anyway, I’m back at work and have been for a couple of months now. My colleague has recently had a family pet put to sleep due to illness. Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

This really annoyed me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not the same and I walked away feeling angry / upset. I now feel a bit bad that maybe I’ve over reacted and been over sensitive. So opinions please.... Aibu?

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 01/09/2018 08:07

Loosing a much loved pet isn’t the same as loosing a parent. However, it can be very upsetting and she is grieving for it. I think shouting at her was uncalled for though and a slight over reaction.

butterflysugarbaby · 01/09/2018 08:08

I adore my beloved pets, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for them, but my GOD you cannot compare losing a dog or cat (or any other pet) to losing a parent.

No-one is dismissing how upsetting it is to lose a pet, but it is not in the same LEAGUE as losing your mother. As a few people have said, the average lifespan of a pet is 10-13 years, and a human is 7-8 times that! And it's devastating to lose your mother (for most people.) And losing her at a young age is extremely traumatic.

I am so sorry you lost your mother @itsnotthesame and my heart goes out to you - especially if you are young. Sad

I mean, losing a parent at 25 or 55 is hard, but it's a well documented fact that people are not emotionally or mentally equipped to lose a parent under age of 35. Without giving too much away (as it's potentially identifying,) I also know this from the career I am in.

It's quite possible your colleague didn't mean to be horrid or insensitive, but you do need to let her know that although you understand her grief after losing her dog, you are upset that she is comparing the loss to your mother, especially so soon after your mother's death.

And as a few posters have said, the death of a parent (especially if you are young at the time,) stays with a person for life. The death of a dog or cat that they had for 10-13 years upsets the vast majority of people for a short while, (maybe 6 months to a year,) but it does not have the same long term psychological affect as the death of a parent.

(((HUGS))) for you OP. Take care of yourself.

hamburgers · 01/09/2018 08:09

I don't know...

You don't know her circumstances. Her dog may have been her life.

I've lost a parent and if I lost my ddog I'd be much sadder than when my dad died.

We don't all have lovely and loving parents.

Sundance2741 · 01/09/2018 08:10

It's not the same, no, but it sounds like she wanted a bit of sympathy from you and used the comparison to get it. Perhaps you hadn't reacted to bring told about the pet's death?

The real issue though, is what to do now if you're feeling bad about your reaction. You could apologise to clear the air but still explain calmly how her comment upset you. Or just agree grief is a difficult emotion. If she still can't appreciate your point of view, then you have at least tried.

Theresnodisneyending · 01/09/2018 08:10

They've obviously never gone through something so heart wrenching as a close family or friend's death. Which is good for them, in a way. Who would wish that kind of grief on anyone? But it doesn't help them in terms of terminal naivety and lack of sensitivity.

Heratnumber7 · 01/09/2018 08:10

I know people who say their dog or cat is "like their children". When the beloved pet has died it's been replaced within a few months by a new pet, which also becomes the child.
You can't do that with actual children.
Pets are replaceable. Children are not.

Lizzie48 · 01/09/2018 08:10

I've always had cats, so I do relate to the grief of your colleague; I was devastated to have to have my beloved 13 year old cat because of illness. Previously, as a teenager, I lost 2 cats in road accidents, within 2 months of each other. My DSis had to have her beloved Labrador Retriever PTS as well, her dog had been her support during her abusive first marriage and subsequent divorce.

But is it the same as my DH losing his DF in a car crash at 65? Of course it isn't!

YANBU, OP. You did overreact to her comment, but hardly surprising as you're grieving. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. ThanksThanksThanks

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 01/09/2018 08:12

Sorry about your loss, OP.

You got upset because you felt she was diminishing your grief. She wasn't though. She was trying to relate.

What if it was her grandfather instead of her pet? Or cousin? Or neighbour she was very close to?

Would that have made you feel the same?

It's strange thing, grief. Don't dismiss someone else's because you think it's to worthy. It is is to them.

butterflysugarbaby · 01/09/2018 08:14

@hamburgers it's true that not everyone has lovely parents, but to compare the loss of your pet, to someone who is devastated at JUST losing her mother is insensitive at best, cruel and nasty at worst! Hmm

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 01/09/2018 08:15

YANBU - was an insensitive thing to say, can only hope it came out wrong!

butterflysugarbaby · 01/09/2018 08:15

As I said, I DO get that people are entitled to be upset at their pet dying, but FFS, it's not the same as losing your MOTHER!

BillywilliamV · 01/09/2018 08:19

None of his matter, everyone is entitled to grieve as much as they need to over whatever they need to, the loss of a fish may hurt someone as much as the loss of a parent hurts someone else. You have no way of knowing how anyone feels so what should be avoided is the statement "I know how you feel!" as you never do.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 01/09/2018 08:19

No YANBU. I think it's about expectations. It's not about love - some people will love their pets as much as family. Some peoples pets are their family. But you buy a cat you expect to outlive it. Even if it's subconscious, you expect it will die after being with you for whatever time (15 years?) and you know that it bring run over etc is a realistic chance. It's not the same with parents and people - you expect them to grow old and die in old age. When it's unexpected and they are young it is so much harder to deal with.

Also, you can buy another cat or dog. You can't replace your family (well maybe a husband or wife but not blood relatives)

sonlypuppyfat · 01/09/2018 08:22

Years ago a friend of my dad's son died in the dentists chair. It was really horrible, when he returned to work someone told him his cat had died and he knew how he felt! They had to drag him off him he went ballistic

ADastardlyThing · 01/09/2018 08:23

All these posts saying it's not the same, it's not the same.........the whole point of the grief process is exactly that, it's never the same for anyone. It's all unique and different and relative to their situation and feelings. It's entirely possible that, if grief could ever be measured and compared, that someone feels the loss of their pet as much as someone else who has lost a loved one, no one can ever know, so it's completely incorrect to say it's not the same, just as incorrect as saying "I know how you feel".

continuallychargingmyphone · 01/09/2018 08:23

Eryngium is correct

To be honest though I do feel the same when people lose grandparents and compare it to the loss of a parent. Which is horrible of me, I know.

SerenDippitty · 01/09/2018 08:23

I,ve never thought of our current dog as a “replacement” for our previous one who was run over at three years old. They are very different. I also tend to think of my DH of nearly 30 years as irreplaceable, but perhaps that’s just me.

picklepost · 01/09/2018 08:24

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so painful when it's unexpected and premature (50s in no age)

Your colleague is a twat and unfortunately many people are. When my dad died a colleague said, oh my dad broke his ankle. Because that's so similar 😌

MaryandMichael · 01/09/2018 08:24

Forgive them. They don't know. Perhaps they never will.

Nanny0gg · 01/09/2018 08:24

To try and explain it better three people may be experiencing a level of 5/5 for their grief. One might have lost a parent, one a partner and one a pet. Their level of pain and emotion is the same even though what caused it it different. And I am not saying a pet is the same as a partner before everyone piles on. In society we tend to put people first etc and pets way down the ladder. But the level of emotion is what that person or pet meant to 'them' and nothing to do with comparing a human with a pet. You don't get to choose how much pain you feel with grief. Which is why some people are surprised at how much or equally how little they feel.

^^This. I am really sorry for your loss OP, and I do know how it feels as I lost a parent when I was relatively young. Your colleague should just have kept quiet. Her loss was nothing to do with yours.Your grieving is personal to you and should be respected and sympathised with not compared in any way with anyone else's.

SerenDippitty · 01/09/2018 08:25

To be honest though I do feel the same when people lose grandparents and compare it to the loss of a parent. Which is horrible of me, I know.

For many people losing a grandparent is their first experience of losing anyone.

bluemascara · 01/09/2018 08:25

Yanbu
I had a friend once who's cat was run over and killed. I remember going round to see her as I knew she was upset. It was like a person had died. She couldn't function. Was on the sofa with blankets on her, lying and crying for days. The worst bit was when she said to me 'it's like losing a child'
I was like wtf??!! I had 3 kids at that stage and she hadn't had any yet (she now has 4)
I don't see her any more but I would love to know now whether she still feels that it's like losing a child given that she's got children now

Twotailed · 01/09/2018 08:26

YANBU. Losing a pet is terribly sad by for her to directly compare it to you circumstances is so crass and insensitive.

So sorry for your loss Flowers

Twotailed · 01/09/2018 08:27

*but

continuallychargingmyphone · 01/09/2018 08:27

Well yes seren so when you are in your thrirties and that’s the first time you’ve lost someone then you are very blessed.