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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague compares pet death to relative

568 replies

ItsNotTheSame · 01/09/2018 01:17

So long story short... my mum passed away a few months ago. Very sudden & unexpected, happened at home when she was alone and she was found there. Paramedics pronounced her dead on the scene. No chance to say goodbye obviously very shocking and caused me a lot of issues with anxiety and depression etc since while trying to come to terms with this. She was only in her early 50s and no illnesses before this as far as we knew.

Anyway, I’m back at work and have been for a couple of months now. My colleague has recently had a family pet put to sleep due to illness. Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

This really annoyed me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not the same and I walked away feeling angry / upset. I now feel a bit bad that maybe I’ve over reacted and been over sensitive. So opinions please.... Aibu?

OP posts:
ADastardlyThing · 01/09/2018 07:35

I wonder if there's a bit of a feeling of needing to be taken care of when grieving and that's why when someone comes along and mentions their own, some people get a bit prickly, especially if it's deemed to not be as important? I'm not explaining this very well, I guess I mean for me that's part of the grief process, being looked after, having people treat me with kid gloves, being nurtured I suppose, and for some when someone comes along with their own example it's a bit "eh fuck off this is my grief and this is my time to be upset don't try and hijack it, you had your time"?

It's such a complicated process, grief. Even psychologists over the years who have developed grief models admit that they aren't usually followed to the letter.

Somersetlady · 01/09/2018 07:39

@rathammock

Have you ever thought of looking at it as the more time you have to know someone, love someone have their help support and love the harder it is when they leave the world?

troodiedoo · 01/09/2018 07:39

yanbu. of course they are not comparable. and I say that as a crazy cat lady.

she didn't mean to be crass though. people say all kinds of stupid things to the recently bereaved. usually better than the people who pretend it hasn't happened.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

PeakPants · 01/09/2018 07:41

I don’t get it. I know what it is to love a pet and to grieve its loss for years. But it is in no way equivalent to a human member of the family.

For you maybe. Why do you presume that everyone else either feels the same or should feel the same as you? Grief is personal and you can't help how you feel.

trulybadlydeeply · 01/09/2018 07:41

I have had pets all my adult life, they are part of my family, and it is truly heartbreaking to lose one.

However the loss of a pet can never (IMHO) be equated to the loss of a much loved (human) family member or close friend. My father died when I was a young child. I was left with the loss of him as a person in my life, but also left to this day with the grief of what was never to be. He never saw me leave school, graduate, marry. He never met his grandchildren. DD1 & DD2's father died even younger. He never even saw them start school, yet alone any of the other life events.

At the other end of the scale my mother has advanced dementia. The pain of seeing lose her family memories, her physical and cognitive abilities will be tied into the grief when we eventually lose her. Plus the things that she may not be able to attend (eg grandchild's wedding) or if she does she won't be able to remember it.

The loss of a family member where there has been conflict in the relationship can, for some lead to extremely deep grief, perhaps tied in with a lifetime of hurt and regret, and once again, IMHO cannot be likened to the loss of a pet.

On the other hand, I do know from the experience of being on the receiving end, that many people don't know what to say to the recently bereaved. I have had some very callous comments (group of friends moaning about their husbands and telling me I was "lucky" I no longer had one) and perhaps she wanted to reach out to you and said what she thought may help?

simplepimple · 01/09/2018 07:42

I must know how she feels

It's not really an issue between whether the pain from the loss of a pet is more or less than the pain of losing a mother, brother, friend or anyone else.

It's also not a competition about who's pain is more - is pain greater if the loss is closer to home? How can anyone measure pain anyway? Why would we?

It's more that the colleague assumed she knew how OP felt - none of us can really now that apart from OP herself. To assume is likely to get it wrong.

I'm sorry your going through this OP. Flowers

simplepimple · 01/09/2018 07:43

you're Confused

simplepimple · 01/09/2018 07:44

know too early on a sat morning!

babswindsor · 01/09/2018 07:44

OP, YANBU. Sorry for your loss.

DaphneDiligaf · 01/09/2018 07:45

I was devastated when our young dog was killed. After a month or so we got another puppy who we adored. He didn't replace my first boy but we loved him too. You know you will probably outlive your pets but it's against nature to outlive your children - there is no comparison!

Angelf1sh · 01/09/2018 07:46

God no, you are not being remotely unreasonable. It was a ridiculous comparison. Borne out of grief rather than malice, but ridiculous nonetheless.

PeakPants · 01/09/2018 07:47

It's more that the colleague assumed she knew how OP felt - none of us can really now that apart from OP herself. To assume is likely to get it wrong.

This. It's inappropriate. And someone who has lost a child/parent will not know how someone else who has lost a child/parent feels either.

chickenliverz · 01/09/2018 07:48

You're not being unreasonable but I can also perhaps understand where she is coming from.
I was devastated when our beloved dog was put down, as devastated as I would be if it was a close family member? Nope.

However - it depends on that individual. If she had no family, and her dog was the only companion she had, she would probably feel that way. One of my work colleagues is single, has no kids, no parents or siblings. Her two dogs are her world and she would feel the same way, and I totally understand that's

chickenliverz · 01/09/2018 07:48

Also - I'm very sorry for the loss of your Mum Thanks

RandomMess · 01/09/2018 07:50

My pets mean more to me than my mother...

They have given me far more in life!

Colleague was very insensitive to say but grief is not a competition plus humans do feel emotions to different extremes. I feel things very deeply which I hate but I do, other people are "thicker skinned" ie just don't feel things as intensely.

Thanks to you op sounds like losing your Mum has been incredibly difficult for you.

Gogreen · 01/09/2018 07:51

A pet dying is not the same as a loss of a mum....however whilst your not unreasonable I think you over reacted, she probably meant you know what she is going through because your grieving and have lost someone you love, just like she is grieving for a pet she loved. That’s all, I think you may have taken it the wrong way.

AudaciousCockerel · 01/09/2018 07:52

Sorry for the loss of your mum, that must have been awful.

What I will say though is that it’s not a grief competition and people are allowed to feel their feelings in whatever way they need to, you included. You’re not wrong to grieve for your mum and she’s not wrong to grieve for a beloved pet. In her grief she feels that the two are comparable -to her- and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Greydog · 01/09/2018 07:55

I'm sorry for your loss. However, when my dog died I felt it much more that when my mother did. That dog meant more to me than any of my "human" family. So, whilst understanding your grief, I think you shouldn't have shouted at her, you can't know her circumstances

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 01/09/2018 07:55

Grief is grief. Yours isn’t better or worse than hers. When you lose someone you loved it’s utterly devastating. No matter who it was. I have grieved over pet loss far more than human in some cases. There are no top trumps with grief. I’m sorry you lost your Mum Op. Flowers

crocsaretoocoolforschool · 01/09/2018 07:56

I always used to think losing a much loved family pet was like losing a family member because I'd lost a pet and the grief was very painful and I genuinely thought this must be as bad as it got

And then I lost a close family member...

And then I saw my best friend lose a child...

And then I realised what an idiot I had been to think that losing a pet was in any way comparable

LyndorCake · 01/09/2018 07:58

I've had pets my entire life. I love my dogs, I really, genuinely do. As much as my child? As much as my husband? Parents? Not a fucking chance.

I'm so sorry for your loss op

BakedBeans47 · 01/09/2018 08:00

YANBU

I have had pets and know they are part of the family and it’s utterly heartbreaking when they die. But as long as you aren’t of advanced years yourself you expect really that you’re only going to have say 12/15 years with it. Plus you can get another dog to help fill the gap, you can’t get another mum.

The unexpected death of a mother at a young age can’t really compare at all.

ichifanny · 01/09/2018 08:00

It’s sad losing pets but you know from the get go they won’t lastbas long as a human so there is always knowledge from the start they will die in your lifetime . Losing a human being shakes your whole world to its core . Ridiculous to even comparr the two .

TheGoddessFrigg · 01/09/2018 08:06

I lost my mother when she was very young and in very traumatic circumstances. I can remember just being angry with everyone - whatever they said. I think your colleague was trying to empathise, in a clumsy way.

My mum would have understood- she adored her cats!

MargaretDribble · 01/09/2018 08:07

I was there in a similar situation. A person had just said that their father had died and someone else said 'I know how you feel. My dog has just died.' However the two people knew each other pretty well and person 2's remark was clearly a misguided attempt at sympathy. Could be the same here.
I don't think you are unreasonable to be upset, but perhaps this person really was trying to be kind, but misjudged.