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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague compares pet death to relative

568 replies

ItsNotTheSame · 01/09/2018 01:17

So long story short... my mum passed away a few months ago. Very sudden & unexpected, happened at home when she was alone and she was found there. Paramedics pronounced her dead on the scene. No chance to say goodbye obviously very shocking and caused me a lot of issues with anxiety and depression etc since while trying to come to terms with this. She was only in her early 50s and no illnesses before this as far as we knew.

Anyway, I’m back at work and have been for a couple of months now. My colleague has recently had a family pet put to sleep due to illness. Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

This really annoyed me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not the same and I walked away feeling angry / upset. I now feel a bit bad that maybe I’ve over reacted and been over sensitive. So opinions please.... Aibu?

OP posts:

Witchofwisteria · 01/09/2018 04:24

YANBU - I get quite annoyed listening to people drone on about how they love their pets as much as people love their kids, no they don't. One friend even tried comparing me caring for a poorly new born with when she first got her puppy LOL. Luckily I loved her enough to laugh it off and offer a swap.

When you loose someone everything is more sensitive, I would say to her next time- "sorry but I don't think you can compare a pet who you had time to say goodbye to, to the sudden death of my mother".

Also no one gets a dog thinking "I'll still have you in 50 years?

Travelledtheworld · 01/09/2018 04:29

Eryngium I empathise with your very wise posts.
And I love your user name.

MoonFacesMum · 01/09/2018 04:54

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, it must continue to be a very difficult thing for you to accept.

I’m really shocked by so many of these responses, I don’t think you were BU at all and were very restrained in your response. Of course it is very sad when a pet dies, but I find it incomprehensible that this could be compared to losing a family member.

I have a friend who was devastated by the long, drawn out death of her beloved dog. He was her “fur baby” and she tried lots of expensive treatments to get more time with him. After he died she bought a new dog within a month. Yes she was heartbroken, but really it was very short lived and in no way comparable to the long shadow cast by the death of a human being who cannot be replaced.

To those posters saying they would more upset by the loss of a pet than one of their own toxic relatives . That is a reflection on your relatives terrible behaviour and not representative of the usual feelings associated with the death of a beloved human relation. Surely to state otherwise shows a lack of insight into the effects of having a toxic relative in the first place?

mathanxiety · 01/09/2018 05:00

YANBU.

Some people have very little emotional intelligence or even manners.

I recently lost a good friend in her early 50s, but more to the point, her children are now left without a parent. They are in their early 20s, and along with all of the other friends of this woman I am aghast at all these two brave children will be left to face without their beloved mum over the next decades. Getting through university, settling down with a life partner, having babies, juggling jobs and parenthood, the list goes on... All the important milestones with no parents around. All the little day to day things that they had taken for granted and all the big things - encouragement of their immense talents and creativity - and it is suddenly cut off. It's not the same coming from well-meaning friends or even relatives.

mathanxiety · 01/09/2018 05:02

And to you - so sorry for your loss.

Willyoujustbequiet · 01/09/2018 05:07

Yanbu

Anyone who thinks losing a pet is the same as a mum is beyond an idiot.

McFugget · 01/09/2018 05:28

It's awfully sad you lost your mum OP.

However, like Ford, I'd grieve far more for my cats because unlike the person who birthed me, they didn't subject me to many kinds of abuse. They are my world, and helped me through some truly awful times.

All relative innit?

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 01/09/2018 05:32

My colleague requested compassionate leave when her cat died. I thought that was ridiculous. Yanbu

PhilomenaButterfly · 01/09/2018 05:36

I've had pets die and no way is it the same! I'll be devastated when my mum dies, even though she drives me nuts! Sorry for your loss.

Haribeau · 01/09/2018 05:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeightorWhite · 01/09/2018 05:52

I lost my cat (traffic accident) and my father (sudden heart attack age 60) in the same week.

In fact the last conversation I had with my dad was me crying because the care had died.

The two deaths did not compare. I thought I was heart broken when the cat died but I was actually heartbroken when my dad died.

YANBU

WeightorWhite · 01/09/2018 06:01

because the cat* had died

KitandPup · 01/09/2018 06:06

So so sorry for your loss.

I have lost my mum and a pet. They are devastating in different ways. YANBU to feel the way you. She WNBU to feel the way she does. She was unreasonable and insenstive to say what she did though.

echt · 01/09/2018 06:09

What KitandPup said.

Best post on this thread.

GreyhoundzRool · 01/09/2018 06:15

OP I’m sorry for the loss of your mum. My mum is terminally ill and once she goes I will have no family to speak of (I have a few cousins but they live miles away and we haven’t spoken for years) so I will only have my pets. They will be my family - I have no partner.

I think it insensitive of your colleague to have compared her loss to yours and I would never have voiced this in her position, but for some people the loss of a pet is devastating so cut her some slack.

GettingAwayWithIt · 01/09/2018 06:15

YANBU, my BIL died in very similar circumstances earlier this year, followed by my beloved pet last month. I was devastated about my pet but it was expected as he was getting old and he had been very poorly for a week or so.

My BIL was found in his home, it was sudden and unexpected. He was young and it was utterly, utterly tragic.

I am so sorry about your Mum OP

MaggieAndHopey · 01/09/2018 06:18

"My colleague requested compassionate leave when her cat died. I thought that was ridiculous. Yanbu"

I had a colleague whose cat was really all she had - both parents dead, no partner or children. He was with her through her mum's terminal illness so in a way he's a link to memories of her mum too - who she cared for at home. She used to joke that she had the cat as her 'next of kin' on paperwork because there was no-one else. There was a framed picture of him on her desk and she used to look at it lovingly whenever she talked about him (which was a lot). Whenever he dies, I can't imagine her being able to function at work. When I was last there, he was diagnosed with some form of chronic, possibly life-limiting illness and she was in absolute bits even then.

To the OP, of course the colleague's remark appeared crass to you, you're still in the very early stages of grief really. But I also think there could be bit more compassion on this thread in the other direction.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/09/2018 06:24

Agree with KitAndPup

AJPTaylor · 01/09/2018 06:25

In my experience its the worst thing that has happened to her so far. She has no idea. Ignore. Sadly for her she will understand one day,but not yet.

TomHardyswife · 01/09/2018 06:34

*Rathammock
*
I've recently lost my beloved Nanna who was 96 and I was devastated.

Nice comment

FilthyforFirth · 01/09/2018 06:39

YANBU in the slightest. You can replace a pet you can never replace your mum. I am in shock at the number of people who thinl the comparison of a pet to a human is remotely acceptable. So sorry for your loss.

BlueBell50 · 01/09/2018 06:42

I’m sorry for your loss. I think we have worked with the same person. My son died when he was a toddler, I’d only been back at work a few weeks when a colleague lost her dog and made the same comment to me. I was so shocked at the comparison I couldn’t reply.

DiamondsOnTheDogsCollar · 01/09/2018 06:43

Your reaction was rude, but understandable given your grief. But YABU. Her grief is as relevant and raw to her as yours is to you. I have lost two much loved pets and a close relative recently. I was sad about the relative, but devastated about my pets. I can say with complete confidence that I love my pets just as much as other people love their children.

It’s not a competition. She was trying to relate to your grief, albeit clumsily. No one should ever diminish another person’s grief, which seems to be what you did. You could have been supportive of each other. Grief does strange things to people, though, so it’s understandable.

TomHardyswife · 01/09/2018 06:44

YANBU

Sorry for the loss of your Mum.

I do believe that everyone deals with death and grief differently though. I am a dog lover and my 8 year old boy cocker spaniel is my baby.. I am so attached to him and love him so much. It has never crossed my mind whether it amounts to the same love I have for my sons but I do know that when the time comes for him to pass away, I will be totally and utterly devastated. He has loved me unconditionally and been the bearer of cuddles and licked away my tears when I have gone through hard times.

However, It's not a competition at all and her comment was extremely insensitive.. No wonder she hit a raw nerve with you. I bet she instantly regretted her comment.

Don't feel bad at reacting the way you did.

WeightorWhite · 01/09/2018 06:45

@ItsNotTheSame and @BlueBell50 I'm so sorry for your losses and your colleagues insensitivity.

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