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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague compares pet death to relative

568 replies

ItsNotTheSame · 01/09/2018 01:17

So long story short... my mum passed away a few months ago. Very sudden & unexpected, happened at home when she was alone and she was found there. Paramedics pronounced her dead on the scene. No chance to say goodbye obviously very shocking and caused me a lot of issues with anxiety and depression etc since while trying to come to terms with this. She was only in her early 50s and no illnesses before this as far as we knew.

Anyway, I’m back at work and have been for a couple of months now. My colleague has recently had a family pet put to sleep due to illness. Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

This really annoyed me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not the same and I walked away feeling angry / upset. I now feel a bit bad that maybe I’ve over reacted and been over sensitive. So opinions please.... Aibu?

OP posts:
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 01/09/2018 21:25

I wouldn't say humans are more importantly than any other animal but humans are programmed to empathise most with other humans. I find it easier to understand what another human is feeling than a dog because we have similar brains, hormone systems etc so our experiences are more similar. Likewise I'm more similar to other mammals than I am to say an insect so I'd care more about a dog's life than I would a centipede. Also humans live longer and have more complex brains so I feel their lives are more significant than a dogs.

I can understand and agree with that. However my experience is different. I have been excluded, bullied, sexually assaulted in childhood, physically assaulted repeatedly, betrayed, let down by the people who should have protected me and am even now being completely failed by people who should be helping me. Humans did that. Some of those humans, minors at the time. Not a dog. My dogs have comforted and protected me, risking her own life once to defend me and have never ever let me down.

Therefore I empathise more easily with them and I consider their lives more significant than a human life. Hell, some people, I'd be doing a whip round for more petrol. Others would take precedence over the dog. It depends on my relationship with the individual. Do you see how I come to that conclusion? Not everyone thinks the same, everyone is moulded by different experiences. It doesn't make them wrong. Some people are very lucky not to have experienced the kind of heinous human beings that make you prefer the company of other species and they take that for granted.

GunpowderGelatine · 01/09/2018 21:28

My friends old horse is 29, she's had him since he was 6months old.

That's 29 years of having to look after him... how is that any different to losing a family member?

I feel a bit embarrassed for people who can't see the (many glaringly obvious) differences in loving animals vs loving humans.

To name a few reasons -

  • we love our own species differently and have stronger bonds , can communicate fully and build complex relationships
  • we don't treat animals the same. No one would make a human sleep in a shed for their whole life
  • you have limited communication with animals, so all of those waxing lyrical about how their pooch just luffs them, with respect, how do you know? Again? It goes back to sticking by you because you feed and walk them. Animals don't choose people like people choose people
  • love and connection with humans is more complex than love and connections with animals. You don't have romantic relationships with animals (I hope, though I'm beginning to wonder about a few on this thread), they don't stick by you for 80 years and wipe your arse as you age.
  • There can never be equal stance with animals. They're absolutely subservient.

Animals love unconditionally- people don't

Bollocks. Animals love on the expectation you'll feed them. I don't think the ones who bite babies faces are especially loving either

Bluewoohoo · 01/09/2018 21:29

If a child goes missing, it hits the news within hours, police are involved, national searches. It's a big deal.

When a cat goes missing, local posters go up on some lampposts. It's not that big a deal.

This is just one way to signify there is a societal difference.

I love my pet, I'm vegetarian and have strong animal rights convictions. I would never be crass enough to compare a pet loss to someone who has lost a parent.

maxthemartian · 01/09/2018 21:34

I'm baffled by people's sheer hysterical anger at the thought that other people might prefer animals to other humans.

I'm autistic and I've been bullied and treated like shit by humans. I have a huge connection to animals.

I think it's completely out of order calling people psychotic and telling them that they are freaks within society if they prefer their pets.

And I think it's fine to say "my beautiful boy died" if that's how they feel.

Lizzie48 · 01/09/2018 21:34

I don't think the OP was really asking about the worth of human v pet. That's not the point as I understood it. You would of course be more upset about your beloved pet dying than a great aunt you'd hardly ever visited for example. You would send a sympathy card to the immediate family, and possibly go to the funeral, but you wouldn't exactly grieve. You might think, 'That's sad but she had a good innings.'

But losing a parent you had a good relationship with is an entirely different matter.

Moussemoose · 01/09/2018 21:45

Animals don't love. Animals are animals. Stop using human emotions to describe animal behaviour it's wrong, insulting and just plain fucking wrong.

GunpowderGelatine · 01/09/2018 21:47

Can you even articulate why humans are more important than any other animal?

Yes, it's really not hard.

We are humans, we have more complex relationships with humans, and children especially are ones we hold dear to our heart. It's a fair assumption that any one child is a huge part of a family's life. If it was my dog, and a child I never knew, there no question a I'd save the child. Because if the dog died it would only be me and my DH affected. You can move on from the death of a pet. If a child dies, it's not just the family affected / it's their School friends, teachers, their community, the people they played with briefly at soft play, so many people are affected so adversely and I think people rarely, if ever, move on from the death of a child. We are not supposed to bury our children but we will almost certainly always outlives our pets. To save your dog would make you the most selfish of selfish twats going and I think anyone who thinks like this needs professional help

maxthemartian · 01/09/2018 21:50

Animals don't love. Animals are animals. Stop using human emotions to describe animal behaviour it's wrong, insulting and just plain fucking wrong.

You're completely wrong, and humans are animals too.

GunpowderGelatine · 01/09/2018 21:50

Sorry for you loss OP but try to be a bit more understanding

@SunnyInGrimsby are you seriously telling someone who recently lost their young mother very suddenly in awful circumstances to be more understanding about someone losing a cat. Are you fucking kidding me? report your post to be deleted, the OP doesn't need to see that ridiculous comment

GunpowderGelatine · 01/09/2018 21:53

didyou I'm sorry for your not experiences, I have been through the same, but saying "humans did that" as opposed to dogs is rather daft - dogs aren't capable of all that. I've been through that and still love human beings as people, like with any animal ((including dogs) you get the occasional bad apple but you'd never accept someone hating all dogs because some bite, would you?

Shampooeeee · 01/09/2018 21:54

Yabu.
I get on well with my DM but I don’t see her very often. Losing my beloved dog would have more of an impact on my daily life than losing my DM
Both situations would be sad in different ways but I wouldn’t say either one was worse.
Your colleague was clearly trying to share some of the loneliness of grief. Instead of being offended, perhaps you should have engaged.

GunpowderGelatine · 01/09/2018 22:06

Those saying that the OP WBU because "I don't love my mum like my dog" - bully for you, the OP adored her Mum and I'm sure her colleagues would have known how much she loved her. The cat colleague was insensitive as hell, and thick as mince, comparing the two

Rednaxela · 01/09/2018 22:07

I can see why you would be offended OP. But I think she didn't mean any harm and would be pretty gutted if she knew how offensive you found her comment.

Interestingly: I lost my dog recently and a friend made comment how it was like losing a person. And referred to losing her dad.

So that's the opposite of the situation you are describing. No one was offended in that case though I was a bit taken aback and didn't know what to say.

The hysteria against caring for animals vs people is pretty bizarre. I have always felt a strong bond to animals which goes way deeper than the bond I feel to any human beings. Not to say I don't love my humans or are not loyal to them. I just know they are flawed and can't be relied upon 100%. But my cat and dog always were. Never fucked me over, never abandoned me. Always there for me, always kind. I can't see why anyone would be against that.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 01/09/2018 22:30

didyou I'm sorry for your not experiences, I have been through the same, but saying "humans did that" as opposed to dogs is rather daft - dogs aren't capable of all that.

Exactly. Dogs aren't capable of any of that. Animals don't stab you in the back. Humans do. I'm glad you can still love human beings after all you've been through but I can't. They just can't be trusted and there are too many that aren't worth saving. So unless I know them personally, no I wouldn't save them over my own pet.

Moussemoose · 01/09/2018 22:35

Animals have a different relationship to emotions. To assume animals experience human emotions and to describe them as such is insulting to the animal.

Animals are not humans and to impose your emotions on them is patronising and insulting.

Our societies regard humans as different and special and give them 'human rights' accordingly. Even someone who has committed atrocities is a human with human rights. To say 'my dog is as special as a human' is wrong legally and morally.

Lizzie48 · 01/09/2018 22:42

Well, this thread makes me feel very grateful for the Fire Brigade. They won't choose who to save on the basis of who matters to them, most or who is more deserving.

HeckyPeck · 01/09/2018 22:42

To say 'my dog is as special as a human' is wrong legally and morally.

Not if you’re saying “it’s as special as a human to me”

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 01/09/2018 22:46

Yep, that's why we should appreciate them. They make the difficult calls so we don't have to.

Sootsprite2612 · 01/09/2018 22:48

YANBU but suffering is totally relative to the person's experience...

In many cases, even comparing say the loss of a much loved mum to a lesser loved dad or reverse would be an inappropriate comparison.

I know some people whose relationships with their pets are more valuable than ones with human beings and I can respect that. She shouldn't have even tried to equate the two things as they are totally different types of loss but I wouldn't say one is more valid than the other.

I got my first pet ever a year ago and it's only now I appreciate how important that bond is. It's strange to say but losing her would be more difficult than losing some humans in my life because she's such a vital part of my daily life... but one loss does not negate another

Im so sorry for your loss, OPFlowers

Gronky · 01/09/2018 22:54

Your anger isn't unreasonable, but neither is her comment. Both of you are in difficult places and everyone experiences varying levels of attachment/grief. It's entirely possible that she felt as much pain as you have but that doesn't diminish the significance of your (or her) tragic loss.

Bluewoohoo · 01/09/2018 23:06

The colleagues comment is unreasonable as in society the value of human life is held higher than an animal. It's insensitive and inappropriate.

OP would have time off from work for funeral attendance and preparations etc. Her manager would maybe do a back to work interview, phased return and so on in recognition of the substantial loss.

The cat owner would not have this as it is not appropriate. It is of a lesser significance overall.

The societal conventions do not make them equivocal events, hence the colleagues comments were inappropriate.

dippyeggsandsoldiers · 01/09/2018 23:10

When my dad died last year someone told me they know what I'm going through because their cat died. I walked away before I said something I'd regret. My dad was 52, so I genuinely do understand how it feels to lose a parent, I'm sorry for your loss Thanks

Bluewoohoo · 01/09/2018 23:13

Oh @dippyeggsandsoldiers how insensitive and inappropriate.

So sorry for your loss and that of the OP. Hope some of the crass comments on here aren't too hurtful. If they are, stop reading them as some of the PP are not getting how awful this actually is.

CoughLaughFart · 01/09/2018 23:15

Well, this thread makes me feel very grateful for the Fire Brigade. They won't choose who to save on the basis of who matters to them, most or who is more deserving.

Almost as if a) it’s their job and b) they don’t know any of the people involved personally...

Moussemoose · 01/09/2018 23:18

Your dog might be special to you. However, as far as society is concerned it is not. Legally it has no 'human rights', morally most humans, philosophers, religions etc regard human life as special and superior.

Your belief that your dog is as important as a human is like saying that you love a beetle. By regarding a dog or cat as on the same level as a human makes you out of step with society.

We eat animals. The society we live in requires they are treated with humanity (note the term humanity) but they are not human. Human life is superior and special.