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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Colleague compares pet death to relative

568 replies

ItsNotTheSame · 01/09/2018 01:17

So long story short... my mum passed away a few months ago. Very sudden & unexpected, happened at home when she was alone and she was found there. Paramedics pronounced her dead on the scene. No chance to say goodbye obviously very shocking and caused me a lot of issues with anxiety and depression etc since while trying to come to terms with this. She was only in her early 50s and no illnesses before this as far as we knew.

Anyway, I’m back at work and have been for a couple of months now. My colleague has recently had a family pet put to sleep due to illness. Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

This really annoyed me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not the same and I walked away feeling angry / upset. I now feel a bit bad that maybe I’ve over reacted and been over sensitive. So opinions please.... Aibu?

OP posts:
Isentthesignal · 01/09/2018 18:46

If I hear ‘There is no hierarchy in grief’ one more time I’ll go on a killing spree. Hmm

bandthenjust · 01/09/2018 18:47

Yanbu. Losing a family pet is losing a member of the family, but it doesn't compare to a human member of the family. some people are insensitive.

CoughLaughFart · 01/09/2018 18:48

If you’ve got something to say Signal, say it. Don’t piss about with emoticons.

Eifla · 01/09/2018 18:50

@ImTheOnlyOneWhoDoes “One could argue that the relationship with your dog was a proxy for the absent relationship with your father. Hence the deeper than normal levels of grief at the loss of an animal“

One would be a twat then wouldn’t one? Hmm Who said my father was absent? I just cared more about my dog than I do him.

Eliza9917 · 01/09/2018 18:50

I think YABU.

Everyone processes grief differently and pets are a part of the family.

I'm still traumatised from having my dog PTS in February. We stayed with her and that will never leave me.

LeftRightCentre · 01/09/2018 18:52

That's 29 years of having to look after him... how is that any different to losing a family member?

Because the family member usually has a life expectancy of longer than 29 years. Because the family member is a person.

Dear god. Some people. Hmm

YANBU. People who make such comparisons are totally ignorant twats.

onetimeposter · 01/09/2018 19:05

Having had psychosis numerous times i resent it being banded about as if you know the fuck what youre talking about Angry
I certainly didnt compare dogs to kids
Idiot

kenandbarbie · 01/09/2018 19:15

Yanbu I can only assume all of the people on this post saying there is no competitiveness in grief and their pets are like family members have never experienced the loss of a loved one. It's like saying to someone with cancer you know how they feel because you had flu once. Maybe it's the worst thing that has happened to you, but common sense would tell you it's usually worse to lose a loved family member than a dog.

redcarbluecar · 01/09/2018 19:23

I wonder if she was just trying to think of something kind / empathic to say and it didn’t quite hit the spot. Maybe try to go easy on her if possible. Sorry to hear about your Mum.

BertrandRussell · 01/09/2018 19:56

"most would save their own first, whether they be human or dog. There's nothing wrong with that,"

There is a lot wrong with that.

Strongmummy · 01/09/2018 19:59

Being completely blunt about it, something has gone severely wrong in your relationship with your parents if you would grieve more over the death of a dog or other animal (that may or may not feel actual love for you) than you would for them. Therefore equating the death of a parent to the death of an animal is very insensitive, as all other things being equal you love your parents more.

Lizzie48 · 01/09/2018 20:12

Re the burning building scenario, I would have thought most of us would concentrate on getting everyone out, not on who was more precious to us. We would try to get children out first, as adults are more able to escape themselves. (Sadly, it's usually children who die in house fires.)

NadiaLeon · 01/09/2018 20:15

My conclusion from the thread is that everyone has different ideas on this, and there is nothing or wrong.
We must learn to not worry so much what people say. It can be hurtful, but it's often just clumsy and not malicious.

havingabadhairday · 01/09/2018 20:23

Didn't somebody at Grenville stay with his dogs rather than leave them? And people have drowned trying to rescue dogs from rivers and lakes.

Clearly if people love their animals enough to be willing risk their lives for them then they will grieve if that animal dies.

It is probably insensitive in most cases to compare the death of just about anyone to the death of a parent or child. But I certainly grieved more for my cat than I did for any number of human relatives who have died.

MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 01/09/2018 20:35

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick request for peace and love.

This thread is about grief so let's not make anyone feel worse than they already do.

Flowers
Lucy001 · 01/09/2018 20:53

I think you were neither reasonable nor unreasonable. You were understandable, but I think I'd maybe still want to tell her that I didn't mean to be so off on one. Where love exists is highly individual, and being judgmental about how people feel, as on this thread, really isn't right. I'm appalled at how far people have gone to suggest that there's something wrong with people who are more grief stricken over one thing than another. Where's the manual that says what is normal and what isn't? And playing amateur psychologist in order to have a dog is actually very cruel.

FWIIW, both my parents are dead and I was more upset over my mum than my dad, but I'd met my dad and none of you have. And my dogs, all of them, have been more considerate, more living and more loyal than him. It still upset me when he died, but it didn't miraculously overwrite a life of experience or make him into a better person. And for the critical, there was nothing at all wrong with my relationship with my father - he got the relationship he deserved and wanted. But from experience, grief doesn't pick out what breaks your heart.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 01/09/2018 20:54

*"most would save their own first, whether they be human or dog. There's nothing wrong with that,"

There is a lot wrong with that.*

So out of two people, one you loved and one you didn't know, you wouldn't go for your loved one first? Bollocks.

Unfortunately some people live surrounded by utter, toxic cunts and their strongest relationships are with animals. So naturally they will grieve more for the relationship that was precious to them rather than a relationship that did not exist.

I grieved far more for my hamster than I did one of my grandmothers. She was a wicked, evil piece of work who was toxic to her kids and downright abusive to her grandkids and there was no relationship there to grieve. I was glad I didn't have to worry about seeing her anymore.

I was much more upset to lose the cuddly little furball who was up every morning for snuggles before work. As for which one was a better use of carbon, well there's just no contest.

kaytee87 · 01/09/2018 20:57

So out of two people, one you loved and one you didn't know, you wouldn't go for your loved one first? Bollocks

But a dog isn't a child....

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 01/09/2018 21:05

I didn't say a child. I said people. That was a completely different part of the argument.

As for the dog vs people bit, it doesn't matter. It's the relationship that people grieve. If they loved them then it doesn't matter if they were a person, a dog or a bloody frog. They loved them and they are grieving. It's not a fucking competition.

BertrandRussell · 01/09/2018 21:08

“So out of two people, one you loved and one you didn't know, you wouldn't go for your loved one first? Bollocks”

If both were people? Yes of course. One a person one an animal?

Of course the person.

CaptainBrickbeard · 01/09/2018 21:09

I think there is something deeply wrong and inadequate about a person who happily admits they would save their dog and let a child die. That is not a person who has normal human relationships or empathy.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 01/09/2018 21:09

And actually, if you want to argue dog vs child, what makes them less? Both mammals. Neither related to you. Only difference is one you know and love and are responsible for and the other you've never set eyes on. I'm not saying you're wrong but why? Can you even articulate why humans are more important than any other animal?

SunnyInGrimsby · 01/09/2018 21:09

YABU.
Judging the nature of someone else's grief is unreasonable.

Perhaps she did grief as much as you; perhaps she was clumsily trying to empathise. Surely this is better than those who won't even engage with a bereaved person because they don't know what to say.

Losing a pet can be absolutely devastating for some people - it is possible to love a member of a different species as much as a member of your own.

Sorry for you loss OP but try to be a bit more understanding.

CripsSandwiches · 01/09/2018 21:13

Can you even articulate why humans are more important than any other animal?

I wouldn't say humans are more importantly than any other animal but humans are programmed to empathise most with other humans. I find it easier to understand what another human is feeling than a dog because we have similar brains, hormone systems etc so our experiences are more similar. Likewise I'm more similar to other mammals than I am to say an insect so I'd care more about a dog's life than I would a centipede. Also humans live longer and have more complex brains so I feel their lives are more significant than a dogs.

jasjas1973 · 01/09/2018 21:19

People who make such comparisons are totally ignorant twats

Grief is relative, for a child losing a favourite pet, it can be very traumatic, a elderly spinster who sees her pet killed in a traffic accident could experience great sadness.

It is insensitive and crass to pass comment on someones grief or make judgements either.