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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague compares pet death to relative

568 replies

ItsNotTheSame · 01/09/2018 01:17

So long story short... my mum passed away a few months ago. Very sudden & unexpected, happened at home when she was alone and she was found there. Paramedics pronounced her dead on the scene. No chance to say goodbye obviously very shocking and caused me a lot of issues with anxiety and depression etc since while trying to come to terms with this. She was only in her early 50s and no illnesses before this as far as we knew.

Anyway, I’m back at work and have been for a couple of months now. My colleague has recently had a family pet put to sleep due to illness. Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

This really annoyed me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not the same and I walked away feeling angry / upset. I now feel a bit bad that maybe I’ve over reacted and been over sensitive. So opinions please.... Aibu?

OP posts:
1HitWonder · 01/09/2018 23:18

Yanbu. Your mother raised you, someone's dog is incomparable to that.

Bluewoohoo · 01/09/2018 23:24

Here is the test.

If a colleague was returning to work after such a bereavement, how many people on here would say to them 'I understand your loss as my cat has died'.

Seriously, would any of you say that? Really? Even if you totally loved your pet, wouldn't there be a filter stopping you?

GunpowderGelatine · 01/09/2018 23:26

Yep, that's why we should appreciate them. They make the difficult calls so we don't have to

It also consists of those pesky humans, so they can't all be awful, no?

Gronky · 01/09/2018 23:28

Seriously, would any of you say that? Really? Even if you totally loved your pet, wouldn't there be a filter stopping you?

Someone who's grieving (regardless of how much validity society and the law deigns that grief should have) isn't exactly going to be top of their game for making perfect decisions.

Lizzie48 · 01/09/2018 23:30

@CoughLaughFart

Exactly, that's my point. It means that we don't need to make the choice and live with it afterwards. Because in the case of a fire, the choice could be between one child or another.

MadgeMidgerson · 01/09/2018 23:31

This is easily the most English thread I have ever read here (or anywhere)

holy fucking shit

do you think you all could live your animals enough to pick up their shit off the pavements or what

RavenWings · 01/09/2018 23:34

I think it's an absolute joke to compare the death of a pet to the death of your mother and I would also be upset by someone making that comparison. Fine, they're grieving for their pet, but that doesn't compare to a human loss and I think pulling them up on it was a very natural reaction.

You may have many pets throughout your life, but we only have one mother (mostly - I know some people who have a few!).

Lizzie48 · 01/09/2018 23:35

Lol, @MadgeMidgerson I'll be back doing the school run on Tuesday and having to avoid dog shit on the pavement. I quite agree.

Although, friends of mine who are responsible dog owners are very particular about picking up other dogs' shit as well as their own. So we really shouldn't tar all dog owners with the same brush.

Bluewoohoo · 01/09/2018 23:37

This all just strikes me as another part of the Me Me Me syndrome where people conflate any situation to be equivalent to them and to validate their feelings despite the obvious inequality.

I've got cancer = I've got a splinter.

My 25 year marriage has ended = tinder date stood me up

My mum passed away suddenly = my cat died

They're not the same. Really not.

Gingaaarghpussy · 01/09/2018 23:46

My mother wasn't a particularly wonderful human being to me. So when she died, my reaction was less than what it was when I lost one of my cats.
Grief is individual,. Some humans believe that animals are worth more grief, others don't.
I have come to the conclusion that, those that don't understand me, don't matter.

HeckyPeck · 01/09/2018 23:59

Human life is superior

That’s your opinion, but it isn’t a fact, nor is it everyone’s opinion.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 02/09/2018 00:02

This whole thread is so upsetting.
I totally love my cat.
She is sweet and loving.
She shows she loves me.
I would be devastated if anything happened to her.
My mum?
Well, I lost my mum last year. I miss her so much. She was an amazing woman who (with my dad) gave me a wonderful childhood. She was strong and funny and clever and I feel totally blessed to have had that wonderful woman as my mum.
I feel very sad for all you posters who feel more for your pets than your parents. Really I do. You must have really had a shitty time of it.
But please DONT EVER compare the loss of a pet to losing a parent, or god forbid, a child.
Op was absolutely right.
There really is no comparison, and to those that think there is.........I’m very sorry

HeckyPeck · 02/09/2018 00:07

The fact is some people have had a worse experience/ felt a greater loss from losing a pet than from losing a parent. Nobody can tell them they’re wrong.

I don’t think your colleague was trying to make you feel bad OP, just is experiencing their own grief.

Bluewoohoo · 02/09/2018 00:09

@HeckyPeck

Would you make a similar comment to OP that the colleague made, or would you understand the need to filter?

Just curious

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 02/09/2018 00:12

Interesting point blue about filtering.
It’s just not something you say is it?

BakedBeans47 · 02/09/2018 00:14

I genuinely can’t believe there are people who believe the death of a pet could be in any way comparable to the death of a mother, and that the OP was wrong in what she said. This place is absolutely mind boggling sometimes.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/09/2018 00:15

Grief is personal so FOR ME and ONLY ME I would be much more devastated over the death of my dog than either of my dead (toxic) parents.

Because I really love my dog and my parents were twats.

Obviously what she said was horrific as she was trying to tell you that her grief was the SAME as yours and she can’t possibly know that as she’s not you.

So she’s an arsehole

HeckyPeck · 02/09/2018 00:16

No I wouldn’t as I would realise that could be upsetting to someone.

Even if someone had lost the same family member as me I wouldn’t imply that we felt the same way as no two people’s experience of grief is the same.

OP themselves wondered if they’d been too harsh so that made me think there was no malice intended on the part of the colleague.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 02/09/2018 00:18

Sorry fairy that’s a very horrible place to be.

Bluewoohoo · 02/09/2018 00:18

@HeckyPeck

Thank you for that, interesting.

HeckyPeck · 02/09/2018 00:19

I genuinely can’t believe there are people who believe the death of a pet could be in any way comparable to the death of a mother

I’ve read it as people are just saying in their own individual experiences it would be, which you can’t disagree with?

weatherheather · 02/09/2018 00:20

My sisters son was killed in an accident, she was told by our aunt that she totally knew how she felt when the next week her (the aunt) sisters dog died. There are no words - people should think before they compare certain things - how that felt for my sister, hearing that at most unimaginable time in her life still floors me now.

Sallystyle · 02/09/2018 00:22

You could say that's equally psychotic.

Please don't misuse the word psychotic.

Psychotic and Psychopath are two different things, not to be confused.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 02/09/2018 00:38

You know what we’re not playing top trumps here.
Just talking to dd about this.
Her friends have recently each lost a grandma x2, an uncle, a sister and 2 brothers. Most in tragic circumstances.
One friend has got a sick cat.
Friend wth sick cat is really pissing everyone else off.
Realism people

ShotsFired · 02/09/2018 03:10

There are a lot of people using words like "insulting" here (let alone the condescending comments alongside that).

If that is not making it into a competitive hierarchy of grief I don't know what is.

Grief is grief. Yours is not better than mine.

In fact fine, have all the glory of it if it's so sodding important that you win the grief contest.