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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague compares pet death to relative

568 replies

ItsNotTheSame · 01/09/2018 01:17

So long story short... my mum passed away a few months ago. Very sudden & unexpected, happened at home when she was alone and she was found there. Paramedics pronounced her dead on the scene. No chance to say goodbye obviously very shocking and caused me a lot of issues with anxiety and depression etc since while trying to come to terms with this. She was only in her early 50s and no illnesses before this as far as we knew.

Anyway, I’m back at work and have been for a couple of months now. My colleague has recently had a family pet put to sleep due to illness. Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

This really annoyed me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not the same and I walked away feeling angry / upset. I now feel a bit bad that maybe I’ve over reacted and been over sensitive. So opinions please.... Aibu?

OP posts:
StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 01/09/2018 15:26

The OP didn't say that 'it's only a dog' or anything like that though. Nor did she say the colleague didn't have a right to her feelings of grief. Other peoples own reactions to their Mums death aren't relevant to what happened to the OP.

The OP WAS so devastated by the death of her Mother that she became mentally ill and had to have quite a bit of time off work by the sounds of it.

Which the colleague knew about. Yet still thought her pet being put to sleep and being understandably upset about that was a comparable situation.

The colleague had to have their pet put to sleep due to illness and were able to say goodbye and start to process the fact their pet was going to die before it happened.

The OPs Mum in her 50s and seemingly healthy died suddenly. The shock alone would take a long time to subside. OP didn't get to say goodbye, maybe hadn't said all things to her Mum that she'd wanted to or ask her Mum all the questions about her life. She has to deal with organising a funeral and the million other things you need to do after the death of a human. A post mortem..on and on.

So it's appalling that this colleague for a second thought (and worse, said!) that there was any similarity in the situations.

Halfahunnerstillastunner · 01/09/2018 15:27

Animals have no malice or cruelty - never seen a cat play with a half dead bird or mouse for fun then? They can be pretty heartless savages, those deadeyed abusive furry freaks Wink

WeightorWhite · 01/09/2018 15:27

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WeightorWhite · 01/09/2018 15:32

Animals have no malice or cruelty have you not heard of dogs killing babies, children, cats etc? Or does your bubble not include that?

Needsleepneedsleep · 01/09/2018 15:35

Think this post is getting a bit out of hand now. Hmm

SerenDippitty · 01/09/2018 15:35

Animals have no malice or cruelty have you not heard of dogs killing babies, children, cats etc? Or does your bubble not include that?

Yes, but I hear of humans torturing cats and killing babies and children much more often.

PersianCatLady · 01/09/2018 15:35

All this hurt and upset could have been avoided by your stupid colleague being a bit more tactful and saying nothing about her pet.

I know some people who would be more devastated about losing their pet than a family member because of their particular circumstances but even they would know not to say what your colleague said

WeightorWhite · 01/09/2018 15:41

@SerenDippitty few more humans on the land than animals though? So that would be logical you've heard of more? Hmm

WeightorWhite · 01/09/2018 15:42

Oh and @SerenDippitty animals often kill their babies!!!

WeightorWhite · 01/09/2018 15:47

It's interesting on this thread that the people who feel that they would be more devastated losing a pet are also the people who could care less if one of their parents or siblings died?

Is it the case that those that have a good relationship with parents or siblings understand the difference between animal and human loss?

WeightorWhite · 01/09/2018 15:48

*couldn't

ImTheOnlyOneWhoDoes · 01/09/2018 15:51

I lost my 14 year old dog in April. He was with me virtually 24/7 since he was six weeks old. Whether I was working, sleeping, relaxing, holidaying, whatever, he was there. I live alone and he was my constant. I was, and still am, heart broken.
On the other hand, if my Dad dropped dead tomorrow I would struggle to shed a tear.

One could argue that the relationship with your dog was a proxy for the absent relationship with your father. Hence the deeper than normal levels of grief at the loss of an animal.

SerenDippitty · 01/09/2018 15:52

WeightforWhite animals know no better. They act on instinct. Humans should know better.

WeightorWhite · 01/09/2018 15:59

@SerenDippitty but you said they had no malice or cruelty??? Also my point about ratio or humans to animals, ignoring that?

Lizzie48 · 01/09/2018 16:00

That's certainly true of some posters, @WeightorWhite others have just never lost a much loved family member so have no idea how devastating that can be.

Moussemoose · 01/09/2018 16:00

Animals don't have human emotions. They are animals ffs.

StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 01/09/2018 16:01

Animals have no malice or cruelty have you not heard of dogs killing babies, children, cats etc? Or does your bubble not include that?

Yes, but I hear of humans torturing cats and killing babies and children much more often.

Because it's news. Something out of the ordinary, whereas it isn't news when an animal kills it's offspring or kills another species.

Howhot · 01/09/2018 16:04

I'm a huge animal lover and honestly prefer the company of animals to the majority of humans most of the time but to compare the loss of a pet with the loss of a much loved family member is insulting and I'd consider someone to be of low emotional intelligence if they couldn't wrap their head around that. It doesn't have to be true in every scenario but the death of a pet will never match the death of much loved family member, especially a parent who raised you, looked out for you, literally revolved their world around you and gave you everything they could.

WeightorWhite · 01/09/2018 16:09

@Lizzie48 agreed!

Artichoke18 · 01/09/2018 16:14

I suspect my ds might try to save his Xbox from this hypothetical fire rather than his younger sibling. This is not the kind of approach we try to encourage however

SerenDippitty · 01/09/2018 16:15

@SerenDippitty but you said they had no malice or cruelty??? Also my point about ratio or humans to animals, ignoring that?

I never said that. You are confusing me with another poster.

WeightorWhite · 01/09/2018 16:20

@SerenDippitty sorry you backed the ridiculous comment! Hmm

Sleeplikeasloth · 01/09/2018 16:51

I think what a lot of people have missed is that the Ops mum died several months ago, whereas the colleague with the dog's bereavement was 'recent'. Ie, whilst both are grieving, the colleague is more likely to be in the early irrational stages of grief, whereas its come slightly more bedded in for the op (grieving yes, but I doubt it's quite as raw as the week it happened). For that reason mostly, I'd give the benefit of the doubt.

3 years on, I sti freuqecry over the unexpected violent death of my pet. Aside from parents/spouse/children, she was the next closest to me, and it devastated me far more than the death of my grans parents, whom I loved dearly, because she was always there. There isn't a hierarchy in grief.

Jaxhog · 01/09/2018 17:00

I think it depends. Losing a loved one you see every day is quite devastating. Not as much, if they are a distant relative you only see every year or so. I adore my furry babies, and was desperately unhappy to lose them. But you only have one mum.

So can you compare losing a pet to a mum. Nope!

Duskqueen · 01/09/2018 17:11

Some pets are like family, I was just as heartbroken when my cat died as I was when one of my family members died. I had had her a long time, she had been through a lot with me.

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